When the moneys spent and all my friends have vanished and I can't seem to find no love or help for free I know there's no need for me to panic ......

When the moneys all gone,
when the parties over and nothing looks
quite as good as it did will you
still be there by my side,
when I'm standing there with the scissors in my hand
slashing up my arms,
when I'm running round
Town with the credit card,
will you still take the scissors off me,
and the credit card,
will you still wrap your arms around me and
tell me you still love me.

thats the start of me writting a song completly related to me of course.
I try not to indulge in the past but it isn't like I can just forget it, when I think I've recovered that oh so familier feeling comes back and I feel so sick and I remember, I remember how it used to be.
It makes me feel sad that I was so desperate for a man to love me, I put up with abuse and so much bullshit.
Its funny, but not many people have said this to me, but a few people, and men especially, and in particular one guy who I won't mention the name of on here, but he said to me "Elle just promise me you'll stop going out with all these pricks, when are you going to realise your so much better than that"? Now this was a guy who I shared a few kisses with a few times and he definitly wasn't trying to get into my pants. Funny though I don't really remember either of my parents telling me I'm better than all these wankers.
So here I am 23 years old on a friday night just finished consuming the rest of Ben & Jerrys ice cream that me and Rhea bought up asda last night, contimplating on consuming a Mars bar and diet coke ... Watching movies on me own ; 'You again', 'The hangover' and now watching Sliding doors, and I would like to make a few comments on these films in a minute but 1st I want to finish up what I'm about to say here... So I'm seeing "The boy" as I call him, he's young (almost 22) and he's nice, I don't feel frightend when I'm round him, he's not violent, he doesn't even get aggressive which is good... I think... I mean when I say I think, obviously I don't want him to smash things up but I don't want to be with any one like me dad (as in has no emotion what so ever). I do feel slightly scared because I'm aware that we're not exactly exclusive at the moment and so my barriers are up and I can't quite relax just yet, and I suppose only time will tell...

So you again, bullying, wow I've been bullied my whole life, I'll always be an easy target because I'm nice, and nice people always get bullied, I wonder though, if bullies realise how much they can seriously fuck up someones life, its scared me for life. I've always wondered what goes through someones head whos bullying some one else, but I don't know if I'll ever figure it out..
Do you know what I really hate...
I hate it when people look me in the eye and lie to me, I hate it when people just completly use you, I hate people who fucking steal off you and then lie about it, I hate violence, I hate being rejected, I hate that my dad left and now he doesn't want to speak to me or see me and I don't even know why, I hate that I'm always alone when I cry, I hate it that men cheat, God I hate it when people drink too much or take drugs, I hate seeing the pain in other peoples eyes...

I always used to think when I was a kid that one day you'd fall in love and everything would be great forever, but reality isn't like that, looking back I don't think any man that has ever told me he loves me has loved me at all. The one man thats supposed to love me forever is me dad and he's never told me he loves me, and I'm not even sure where I'm going with all this but I have this great sadness about me.

You know I felt pretty pissed off when I was washing the conditioner off me hair this morning that I had to wash it off in freezing cold water because Iain and Becca had used up all the hot water because they decided to have a row in the shower, for fuck sake, it well pisses me off, and then I can't eat dinner at the table because there ain't enough room when he's here and now mum goes away tuesday so he'll be staying tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday, which to be honest is pretty standard now, it just ain't the same, I always get left out when he's here. I don't say any thing because its more hassle than its worth, but I do already feel shit about myself most of the time.
I keep myself stupidly busy because if I don't I sit and think about how I feel like no one really wants me, maybe its not true. I even feel like sometimes that me mates get annoyed with me, I'm sure its all in me head, but when I'm alone I can't pretend I don't have the thoughts of "maybe everyone would be better off if I wasn't here any more".
Wish I didnt' think sometimes...

So now onto some politics, now this has never been me strongest point but there is a few things right now that I am slightly concerned about .. actually scared shitless would be more accurate..

There's the matter of the weather, its hot then cold and its extreme and I'm worried that the effects of global warming are going to fuck up our earth more than usual.
I'm concerned about the fact that papers are saying that people born in 2012 won't be able to retire until their 80s which is just bullshit.
then there's the matter of the petrol going up which means the bus fair is going up again. Fucking hell, where does it end? people say I'm ignorant for living in a bubble but I just think its got to be better than knowing the truth, I know I contradict myself but ignorence is bliss although just maybe not when dating a lying, cheating wanker. That it I can't write anymore!

Peace out

love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean...

Wow can you believe its virtually been a month since I last wrote.
I've been pretty shit at updating but I've been busy living life and thats definitly got to be a good thing!

So whats going on in the world? Whats going on in the crazy world of Princess Elle aye?
Well I think last time I wrote I'd just broke up with Joe (you remember the compulsive liar, heroin addict homeless guy).
So I turned 23 and decided it really was time to turn over a new leaf and in actual fact I've been sticking to it.
Ove the last month I've begun to see that I may not be the smartest, skinniest, prettiest or even the nicest of girls out there, but as the tittle says "I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean".
I've always been slightly oblivious to whats going on in the world but come on would I be me if I was up to date on all the depressing things that happen in the world. I ain't an idiot, I know what goes on in the world but I just chose to be naive to it because it scares the shit out of me.

I will share the fact that according to the metro (which admitidly is not the most reliable source) however they say that babies born this year as in 2012 will not be able to retire till they're in their 80's FUCK ME that is SHOCKING! Whos with me on blowing up the house of Parliment??

So I'm continuing to volunteer in the charity shop, along with swimming twice a week, studying (and passing may I just add) I'm now officially qualified in facials so you know who to come to if you want a freebee!
I'm still knitting too I've made a bag now and I'm making a scarf and a patch work blanket, its nice to have a few projects on the go!

Ohhhh I bought the most amazing laptop recently its PINK!! (obviously)!
Bought some UGGs too recently whoop whoop love it!!!
So lets get to talking about the nitty gritty the thing I know you all love to hear about... my relationships with men and my relationship with alcohol!
So on the alcohol front thats genrally ok I definitly have a much better and healthier relationship with drink than I ever have in my life, I'm not persistantly avoiding altogether but I'm not exceeding it either so finally after 23 years I think I can almost say I've hit the jackpot!

So my relationships with men... Well I wish I could say I've resolved it with me dad, although I haven't so for the time being I'm going to leave that well alone until I figure it out, and who knows maybe I never will!!

So I've recently in the last few weeks been seeing one guy... at least I think I'm seeing him... no I'm almost certain we're seeing each other.. not sure how exsclusive we are yet but we'll see. So he's 22 next month (yes I am a cugar DEAL WITH IT)!!! He's a chef in the army, he doesn't smoke, or take drugs, and he has a home, so already he has more going for him than... everyone I've ever been with..
He's a really decent guy from what I've seen of him so far. It feels totally easy, like it doesn't feel difficult, I don't obsess and I don't constantly ring him 24/7 ... infact I barley ring him, we text and we see each other but there isn't any pressure there.
I trust him and am not freaking out about what he's doing when he isn't with me and yeah just feels really nice.
I think he likes me, he stayed over last night and I kissed him for the 1st time...
.. I know what your thinking, but sorry to disapoint you but the answer is no! We didn't sleep together, I'm still on lent and I want to take it really slow!
I think he's good for me, I don't act like "crazy Elle" when I'm with him, (by crazy Elle I mean the Elle that obsesses, slash my wrists, OD, cry all the time etc etc ..)
This quite possibly is the healthist relationship I've had with a man EVER! I haven't told him about the past bollocks either, finally realising its ok to let go of the past and he doesn't need to know about it as I'm not who I was back then...
It is quite hard learning to be able to have a healthy relationship because you automatically lose that butterfly feeling in your stomache which you convince yourself is excitment but is actually anxiety and fear. I know that, am reading "woman who love too much" for the 2nd time and this time round I'm really getting it, I was determined to get well and now I actually am.
This is the year its all going to happen for me, it already is pretty much, as soon as I get a job earning enough I'm moving out, I'm going on holiday this year :) I bought a laptop which is completly amazing, am going to get my tattoo this year too.
Once 'Pate (the nutty teacher guy) watch sells on ebay (hopefully will sell for at least £80) then I'll have £120 for me tattoo and I will get it done this year, going to be amazing, me nan is going to love it... (am getting ivy with little flowers tattooed around my ankle, cuz me nans names Ivy and I love her to pieces and it'll be like she'll be apart of my forever even once she's passed away) Me nans 95 by the way shes amazing and one of the funniest people I know bless her!

...

So there we have it for the first time in my whole life time of blogging I've finally written an optimistic blog! Princess Elle is definitly well on the road to recovery this time and it feels great.
I must say though if it wasn't for all my fabulous friendships I'm not sure I would have made it!

Love you guys

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm broke, but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind, I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah. I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed....

..I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby. What it all comes down to, is that everythings going to be fine fine fine. Cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other ones giving a high five.
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid, I'm tired but I'm working, yeah. I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone, I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby.
What it all comes down to is everythings going to be quite alright, cuz I got one hand in my pocket, and the other ones flicking a cigarette.
What it all comes down to is I haven't got it all figured out just yet, cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.
I'm free but I'm focussed, I'm green but I'm wise, I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby. I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit, I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.
And what it all boils down to is no one's really got it figured out just yet, I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends, yeah is everythings just fine fine fine. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is hailing a taxi cab.

Amazing song by Alanis Morissette. I swear most of her songs are my life, any how speaking of life, I suppose your all wondering whats been going on in mine. Well well well...

So I think in my last blog I was umming and ahhing about the homeless boy. I'm not sure if I'd actually started speaking to him by this point or not... anyhow, Joe (the homeless boy) and I ended up having a sort of relationship if thats what you can call it, but then come on we all knew it was going to happen, I'm drawn towards fucked up men/boys that I think I can help/fix, one of these days I'll learn that you CANNOT help someone who isn't willing to help himself.
Any how I'm very proud of myself on how I actually handled the whole relationship. Those are Keri's words really going into my head and I'm beginning to really listen and actually hear for once. (Keri is my phyciatric nurse). She told me all about boundaries in relationships and that I don't have to follow their rules as it were, I can just hold up me hands and say enough is enough and walk away, I'm the one that allows them to treat me the way they do! Also making decisions on what I tell me mom and what I chose to not tell her and I am an adult and its interally my choice!
So there we go I've really begun to understand what she meant with all that she said. Learning I don't have to do anything I don't want to do and learning to say no!
So I got into a sort of relationship with Joe, we was spending alot of time together, just me and him, hanging out, drinking coffee, (or in my case tea), talking, laughing, writing notes and genrally enjoying each others company.... Somehow though it all changed and I think it must have been when we both started getting a little bit too close, as in admitting to each other that we had feelings for each other that were stronger than say just friendship. As soon as you go from being mates with a boy/man to being "involved" as I say it all completly changes. At least for me this is how it is. I am more vunrable because Its like Joe suddenly became naked live wires, if I got too close I'd get and eletric shock, and maybe thats what it was like for him too. Anyhow once we sort had confessed we had feelings for each other (and in his case he confessed his undying love for me), in actual fact I can see that he didn't really love me at all, what he was in love with was the idea of me and him, but not so much me. I'm pretty sure in his head he had this fantasy image of what his life would be like if he sorted himself out, got a job and a house and I was his pretty little girlfriend on his arm, pretty and intellagent with plenty of wit, willpower and full of useful skills. So how do I know this... because I fantasise all the time, and its very hard to get a reality check when your a dreamer but even us piceas need a kick up the ass to reality sometimes!
I could feel myself nagging him more about drink and it bothereing me more when he did have a drink, getting more pissed off if he didn't ring when he said he would and started to trust him less and less. I guess it wasn't that I was trusting him less, I suppose it was just when you get "involved" its harder to just step back and see things as an outsider if you get me..
Hopefully this is making sense....
So everything was sort of OK, and I let him spend the night here one nigh (no I didn't sleep with him) wanted to go get tested before all that. Any how it was a really nice evening even though I didn't really trust him. He left the next morning and I didn't hear from here till later that evening (suprise suprise). I was beginning to recall what it was like to be with Chris. I kept telling myself he wasn't like Chris, he was never viloent towards me, I was never scared of Joe physically just mentally!
Any how so even though I had alarm bells going off in my head I ignored them and continued to convince myself it would all be worth it.
Well that was until Joe went missing. I was worried sick, I didn't sleep for 3 days, I reported him as a missing person. 3 days later I get a call and even though I told him how worried sick i'd been I don't think it really registered in his brain!
He was totally casual like it wasn't a big deal, he was staying in Littlehampton with some guy called Dave who was a mate of his or something that wasn't a heroin addict, supposedly anyhow but then I don't know that for certain!
Any how then I eventually saw him 6 days later he came down to Brighton on a friday and took me for dinner and then I put him on a train to Barnham to stay with his mum, who I spoke to whilst worrying my nut off about Joe to see if she'd heard from him. This is also where I began to smell the lies and alarm bells were getting louder, but I wasn't quite ready to give up just then.
I spoke to him next late saturday afternoon and it turns out he was sitting in the middle of the road waiting to get hit by a bus!
Well I was round my mate Kates, with Dani, Kate, Andrea and Chris and I wasn't about to run out on me mates that clearly wasn't really thinking of me. I got a call from the hospital later saying Joe was there and he was fine and that he just wanted me to know. I gave the hospital a ring when I left Kates to speak to him and he wasn't exactly fine but he wasn't hurt.
I then didn't hear from him again till 5 to midnight on my birthday (which was tuesday just gone, 28th) yes I am no longer 22!!!!
Any how he seemed to think everything was fine between us which was when I realised he was totally deluded about our relationship, I'd already assumed it was over between us, but clearly Joe didn't think the same. Any how so I was really off with him and he told me he'd ring back later (which suprise suprise he didn't). Any how enough was enough I changed my number the next day and thats the end of it now!
on that note I've written enough for one night, I've got a hell of a lot more to right but I shall continue to update you sunday as I'm having a duvet day sunday (going out tomo which is saturday to celebrate me birthday properly, so no dobut will have even more to write but then)! xx

Lean on me when your not strong, I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on

So feeling a little bit mixed feelings right now, part of me feels really let down by my family, and totally hopeless around relationships with them. Its now been 5 months that my dad hasn't spoken to me and part of me is just like fuck it, and then there's another part of me that sort of aches for some sort of sign of loving from him, but its hard because I know he'll never change and I've tried so hard but it's exausting trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly isn't bothered whether we have one or not!
So thats me Dad. I guess me mom isn't too bad we do fight quite alot but it tends to blow over in a couple days. I do feel like I'm always a huge disapointment to her though, like I got 87% on my skin care exam tuesday, and she said well done but I just know if it had of been Becca she probabally would have treated her to a meal or something and just sometimes feel like I try really hard to get some where and she never seems to reconise that, yet if I do something wrong she'll notice within a minute and have a fit at me. I guess its hard for her to realise that sometimes I really struggle to get out of bed so even just going for a swim is a big deal, and trying to take control of my health and mental health, it isn't like I'm not doing anything. I don't think she truly has any idea what a struggle I have to sometimes even leave the house, and the fight I have with the mirror every morning!
Then there's Becca, well I don't know what her problem is, it's like she watches me waiting for me to do something wrong. Its constant. It makes me feel so low, its like when I'm doing something sometimes usually when I'm cooking, she just stops and looks at me and I can feel her eyes on me you know that feeling. Its like shes watching and shes just waiting for me to do something wrong so she can start on me.
She can be such a bitch at times, always bringing up the fact that I don't pay any rent. It makes me want to cry, it isn't like I don't know that mum doesn't want me here, and sometimes I think all this shit isn't worth it, but if I leave I haven't got any where else to go! I saw a boy down London Road today when I was down there buying plums, I'm not sure how old he was as he had a hat on, which is pretty standard for this climiate any how, he was homeless in a sleeping bag, and I wanted to cry, I wish there was something I could have done. I walked up and down about 6 times contimplating talking to him, in the end though I just got on the bus because I didn't think it was a good idea, but if I leave that'll be me, and all my homeless mates have always said to me, Elle never be homeless, you'll end up on the drink and the gear with the matter of 3 weeks its the only way to get through the cold nights, they always said I had too much going for me to end up like that.
So guess I'll just stay for now.
Any how I did say only part of me felt like that.
There's another part of me that really is feeling hope right now.
I saw 2 boys at the old steine about 10pm and they were both eating mini chedders, they must have been between 14 and 17 (I'm a crap judge of age) any how I felt really hopefull seeing boys being their age it was refreshing seeing them eating mini chedders instead of drinking cans of beer/cider and smoking.
Feeling hopeful towards myself too, like my gums swelled up monday and so I rung the dentist and made an appointment for today, but even though thats something really small, its good I'm taking better care of myself. Staying away from guys like "Mr across the Road" and Chris, and guys that genrally I know are bad for me!
It was good to see the homepath tuesday too, I got to tell her everything that was going on, so she's given me a remedy that helps reduce swelling of the gums, helps with low mood/depression, good for helping you sleep and anxiety. I swear she's an angel, I'm still depressed but it has picked up a bit, I'm sleeping better, my anxiety is virtually non-existant, my gums have gone down (not completly back to normal but almost) and I'm beginning to be really on touch with what I want in relation to men and knowing when to say no and knowing when to back down so thats fab!!!
Finally figured out why I loved Tom, he wasn't like most guys and he definitly wasn't just after sex, infact he was probabally more mature and smarter than the majority of guys I've dated. Not just that though, Tom really got me, and as in my mind, like when we was playing the game of articulate in dartmoore, me Bradie and Tom was on one team, and then I think it was Emma, James, Alex and Ann-marie on the other team and everytime it was my time to describe Tom got it everytime, Ahhh memories.
Anyhow I'm not even dreading valentines day this year cuz I'm spending it with Rhea, I refussed to sit in my room whilst Bex and Iain get all lovie dovie, blurgh I want to vomit!
Mann I really miss being in love, I mean really in love *moment of fantasising*.
Turns out as long as your surrounded by love ones (in my case my mates) then life is awsome!! Heres to great friendships CHEERS!!
Any hows better finish me homemade plum crumple mmmm yummy, and hot custard and drag ma sorry little arse off to bed, Ally McBeal is waiting for me, and Misty (my teddy bear)!

Night all!

Mucho love and peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's alright, its alright, just as long as we can vote, we live in a democracy, and thats what we promote...

Song by Shakira, I love the way songs get a message across and sometimes when we listen to a song you sing along and you know the words but when you stop singing and really listen to the lyrics and hear the message in the song it can make you begin to question things. Well I love the phyco analyse and lets face it I think everything comes down to money and sex at the end of the day.
Don't miss judge me I do think there is a lot of important things in the world. Just sex and money (especially where men are concerned) are the things I thing growing up in England come down to, I would hate to inpose in other countries, this is purley on reasearch and I do intend to do reasearch else where at some point in the future.
Well any how I have a feeling this may be a long blog.
So for the average person 9 days isn't so long, genrally people just go along doing their business, going to work 5 days a week, studying at uni (although from what I can see there's more drinking involved than studying). Just an observation! Me being me wouldn't like to genralise!!
So any how and mothers looking after their child/children, and there's the lazy unemployed who like to sit on their arse and get pissed (lets not go there just yet). Anyhow you get my drift most peoples lives just continue to run along smoothly, not too much to say over the course of 9 days at least any how!
Well ladies and gents, I am not one of those people and in the life of Princess Elle 9 days and you know I could have quite possibly fallen in and out of love with about 3 people by that amount of time. I'm quite happy to confess this time this isn't the case, however I do have a lot to report back on...
It was Diesels one year death anniversary sunday which i'd been seriously dreading because well death is morbid, heart breaking and sad. So anyhow decided to go for cocktails and light some little angel model candels in memory of him and be around the people I love, (Andrea and David) I do love more people than them but they was the ones that were out that I love... If that makes sense... Any how I began to feel a bit frantic about him because I could feel conversations me and him slipping away from my memory and I feel like I'm running and running to grab them but they're floating away faster and faster and that makes me sad. It also makes me realise that one day I'll have to let go, doesn't mean I'll ever forget him.
Any how for some reason unknown to me, I decided to have a drink (as in alcohol). 1 glass of Sangria ... I think and a glass of red wine with lemonade. I have no idea how but for some reason I felt drunk. Not just a bit drunk, alot drunk... or pissed if you like.. .
So I got home and was feeling abit shit so went over "Mr across the Roads" *very very bad move*! Ever noticed how when you've had a bit to drink things that cross your mind that you would never consider saying or doing sober, seem like a great idea when your drunk after 2 hours of vommiting, banging headache and very little sleep the reality of that so brilliant idea suddenly hits you, sober and hung over and all you can think is fuuccckkk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attempting to sleep with "Mr across the Road" was definitly one of those moments!!
Yes oh the shame of it. It sort of went abit like this... him; laughing after say a couple mins of "doing it" by that I mean having sex! Me; "Do NOT laugh at me whilst your inside me". Him; still laughing, "Can we try this another time.. when your sober" Me; "Urm... lets think about this.... NO get off me idiot" *Elle exits the scene*!
Still at least I know for sure now.
Unfortunatly I did vomit too, for what felt like hours which may have actually been half hour but still if your going to say some thing may as well exaderate abit, makes it more dramatic and I thrive on drama. Ha ha like sitting on the floor of the toilet and urgh it was minging why don't they show that in the movies aye, the reality of not being able to handle your drink = vommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt ewwwwwwww and I tell you what thats not sexy EVER! Any how so I managed to convince myself I was dying and it was horrible. Turns out its true what they say. I am a drama queen...

End of topic one. Lesson learnt; don't drink (no not even one) and certainly do not go round a guys house drunk and act of any ideas that may seem at that moment in time, if you wouldn't do it sober DON'T FUCKING DO IT FULL STOP! thats aimed at me not you...

Any how cute boys drinking at 10.26am to be exact on a monday morning and democracy and tea is going to have to wait. I've got a hole load of ironing to do!

Peace and love to ma trusty followers.................... xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorrow found me when I was young, sorrow waited, sorrow won, sorrow they put me on the pill, its in my honey, its in my milk.... I don't want to get o

..ver you.
Thats my song right now by the nationals.
I don't so much as feel numb, I think I don't feel very alive though, need adrenalyn and alcohol and drugs won't do it. Not even self harming, maybe going on a motor bike 150 MPH or getting a tattoo, something that makes me feel alive.
I must be really fucking nieve, got back with Chris Monday because after he said he was leaving I realised that I still wasn't 100% sure what I wanted but I knew I didn't want him to leave! Then I realised I loved him. Will I ever be on the same page as a man? I can't seem to ever get it right.
He dumped me today, through text! 24 his junior and I had the balls to do it in person WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FUCKING MEN, WHY CAN'T YOU GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND DO IT FACE TO FACE AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MEN, WOMAN HAVE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN MEN ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad, or both.
He did it this morning, telling me some bullshit about me only wanting a part time relationship, yet he's the one who moved to Yorkshire!
*sighs*
I'm mystified I really am. You give men space you accuse them of only wanting to have a part time boyfriend. You don't always get to the phone or reply to a text straight away and we're "cheating". Yet you text them alot and want to see them alot and they accuse you of being crazy and needy. Man can I win?
No is the answer here. I don't want to just give up. I sat on the bus this morning and although it was busy I felt miles away, I have "big big world" playing by Emelia, and Bright eyes by whatsaface, song from watershipdown. any how I felt alone, even the woman sitting next to me got up and moved. I was trying so hard to swallow the tears. On the bus to me sisters I managed to distract myself with me book and for the rest of the day.
I then went and saw my mentor and she gave me lots of stuff to do and I was sitting thinking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk this is way too much work to do I thought thats what she was meant to be helping me with, anyhow so I came home and attempted to do it, getting more and more frustrated and then I cried and I kept on crying, I allowed my heart to break, or more to the point I accepted that my heart was broken, and that it is Diesels one year death anniversary and as usual I am running around trying to keep things together and fuck I fell apart, and I'm too ashamed to go to anyone so I just sit there alone with my arms hugging myself crying and its truly horrific that feeling where I swear I can actually feel my heart break!
You know think back to the blog that wrote just after I'd seen the phyciastrist you remember when I said he asked me "are you always terrified when in a relationship that he's going to leave you" do remember I wrote that and I said yes and he read me like a book. I've figured out why I feel like that its because they do. They all fucking leave me! I finally start to let my barriers down and let them in abit and start to feel the lonliness float away and then like a stab in the back they leave me and I'm alone again, like when I was little girl, this isn't a new feeling and if I can't even get my dad to stay then how can I get any man to stay and I want someone to stay and fight even when things get tough and no man ever does and, and is it so hard for someone to love me, am I that much of a unlovable person that someone doesn't want to stay and love me. I just go over and over in my head all the things he said and man after man, they seem to say all the right things but I'm beginning to realise they're just words empty words.
I'm sorry for being so morbid but my optimism has drowned.
Good night one and all, I hope your all safe tonight!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Better not look down, if you want to keep on flying. Put the hammer down, keep it full speed ahead. Better not look back or you might wind up crying..

...You can keep it moving if you don't look down.

Oh good old songs from Thelma and Lousie, now thats an oldie, Brad Pitt was 18 in that movie and he must be late 30's now so we're talking maybe 20 years ago... hm I was 2 20 years ago...

So here we are in 2012, the year that (and I know I say this at the beginning of every new year, but this time I really mean it) I swear down I will not fuck it up this time. I sort of feel like 2010 (which was the year I was 21) I went off the rails, slept with far too many pricks and had a nervous break down. 2011 the 1st half of the year was still about learning the hard way, and the 2nd half of 2011 was filling in the cracks and healing from the heart ache and pain and so this is going to be the year I really get back on me feet.
I have to say its sort of been abit of a shakey start, I broke up with Chris on the 2nd, and it was horrific, I wanted to be the big person so I did it in person and I cried for what felt like eternity and then I thought he was going to cry and that made me cry harder. Still I know deep down it was the right thing to do. Neither of us trusted each other and being 47 he's clearly an experienced head fuck, much more than me!!!
After watching Eastenders on new years day kind of made me have some perspective on life and the bigger picture. I sort of had an apiphany in the hour and 10 minutes it was on I cried from start to finish and it got me thinking about money and life. Also after watching series 4 of Secret Diary of a call girl and in the end she's pretty much Belle all the time and she choses her job (which initially is money and lies) over love, and I know I always go on about money being the only thing that lasts in the end because loving turns to leaving everytime but maybe that just means sexual relationships. After we all know sex changes everything. Any how when Pat was on her death bed she was surrounded by her family and her loved ones, and it got me thinking. I've always been adiment I never want children, partly because everyones fucked up and then they have kids and they put all their fucked upness onto their kids and then the children grow up to be fucked up and then we just end up in a world of fucked up people, but then maybe just maybe it doesn't have to be that way.
Yes I've done alot of fucked up things in my time that I ain't proud of but if I hadn't have done them I wouldn't be me, and do you know what after all the bullshit I've heard (from men and woman) I really couldn't give a flying fuck what say some skanky ex boyfriend/shag has to say about me, or what "Mr across the road" or his desperate mate has to say because in all honestly the only peoples opinions that count are the people that truly love me, me mates that will be there through everything, not the people that call themselves your mates yet only talk to you when its convienent for them or when they need something, but people who are genuine and in all honesty who gives a fuck what the rest of them have to say!
I don't hate myself any more, so what if not everything goes to plan, thats just life, and besides sometimes not everything is as you imagined... it's even better!!!
So forget all the ballshit, I don't want to die in a mansion alone and bitter. I want to die in a room full of people that love me even if I never learn to buy. You can't put a price on love!
So lets drink not because we want to get off our faces because of the state of the world but to celabrate the new year and to true friendships and true friendships last a lifetime, to people that are no longer with us due to unforseen circumstances, to being able to accept that its OK to make mistakes because we're all just humans at the end of the day and to my 23rd year coming up and who knows where this year will take me!
Love and peace to you all ...........

CHEERS *CLANKING OF GLASSES BANGING TOGETHER AS WE ALL DRINK TO THE NEW YEAR* WOW 2012 AYE ;-)