Yeah yeah we all know the song... Fighter by Christina Aguilera... If you haven't you must be very strange...
So its been a couple weeks now and your probabally wondering whats been going on so I'm going to be incredably optimistic here just to piss you all off .. (kidding). Optimism doesn't run through my blood too often so when it does I feel the need to express it. Call me arrogent all you like but I've been through hell and back so feeling a little bit hopeful is something I would like to big up as much as possible whilst it lasts. I may be a tad bitchy too, but a little bit of bitchiness is definitly necessery!
So I have been a "busy bee" as Paul (me mate up London) likes to call me (no I'm not shagging him)! Member I'm an ex hooker!
I finally finished knitting my phone case its fabulous! (laugh all you like) least I got something to show for my time besides a hangover and a hole in my purse!
I finally got "Mr across the Rd" who I still call to this day because he still hasn't told me what he wants me to call him, so for now we'll stick with "Mr across the Rd".
Yeah so you know that sort of feeling when you obsess over someone for a really long time because you ain't got the balls to actually go and talk to them and you fantasise and day dream about them like all the time, and you sort of end up creating exactly that A FANTASY! Doesn't exist darlings. He's one of the biggest pricks I've met so far (admitidly I'll give him that he's a good kisser) only because I'm about to knock his "pride." (as we all know "pride" to man means his cock). Please am I being ignorant here but will someone please tell me what men mean when they say they have a cock? Because the last ... every man infact thats told me they've got a big cock (and this is me guessing about 8 inches +) ... of course unless 3 inches is the average these days in which case then wow 5 is huge...
Seriously though when are guys going to realise I couldn't give a flying fuck in hell how big their cock is, I'm not dating their cock I want to date their mind. In actualfact I hate big cocks anyhow. I mean for crying out loud us girls don't go round shouting about how big are flipping vaginas are... I mean you'd think...
Also may I just add if any man (the type that would brag about the size of cock, cuz this isn't all men, this is a type of man). who actually had any idea of how to please a woman should know that the G-spot is roughly 2.5 inches up into the vagina on the front wall and therefore an 8 inch cock is just a waste of blood and the clits best stimulated with the tounge.
If one more guy mentions about how he's going to "ruin" me during sex, do yourself a favour and don't bother, full of shit mate!
So "Mr across the road" was a bit of a disapointment, but hey I completed the challenge, 3 months without sex so finally i can get my last and final test HALLILUIA!
So I am now at college woop woop its amazing, my self esteem I feel has already imensley improved in just over the 3 days I've been attending. I've bonded well with a few of the girls and guys they're all really supportive and unjudgmental which is a huge relief!
Started my beauty course too, its very intense but you know what I'm going to stick with it and tudy really hard, jesus I've waited long enough.
So any of my trusty followers fancy free facials etc whilst I do each module inbox me on fb and we can work something out ;-)
Ooooooooh was in me show too on sunday was shattered but was all good shit, check out pics on the link. http://www.flickr.com/caporushes/sets/72157627766818112/show/
On that note I may actually fall sleep typing so shall being going to the land of nod however shall try to be less lame and update more often!
Mucho lovos darlin'g reliable followers
I have much care for you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Ain' that just the way life goes down, down, down, down, moving way too fast or much too slow
Thats sort of how I am ya know, I'm either rushing about on a manic high, or slumping around and doing everything thing really slow.
Man my life sucks!!
I wish good things last but they don't!
The majority of my problems revolve around money and men!
I live off virtually nothing and now the buses have gone up from £55 to £62 thats £7! This is a fucking joke, I swear I don't even know what I'm paying for, to stand around in the cold for near enough at least half hour everytime I wait for a bus. I'm on the serious case to complain to a lot of authority people right now, God fucking damn it!
I can't even aford to buy the material to make peoples christmas presents this year!
I'm in desperate need of one of those light boxes for SAD cuz autumns only just started and already I'm suffereing from severe lack of vitimin D but unfortunatly they cost between £50-£100!
Why does everything cost so much fucking money! It's a joke.
So I think I'm down to my last straw after attempting to ask people to you know maybe ... give me £50 so I can buy all my bits to make everyone christmas prezzies and being rejected I conclude I have two options left the 1st being
commit suicide (and I'm really sorry if you read this and think a) I'm being a drama queen/attention seeker, b) thats a really selfish thing to put up for people to read). However my argument is this is my blog and I don't sugar coat things and I write the truth of how I feel and as I always say, you are reading it at your own risk!
and how the other option is becoming a theif... Ok lets say "borrowing" theif doesn't sound too good. So I like borrow things from say Tescos for example (come on it isn't like they can't afford it). I just happen to forget to return it!
Although relistically neither of those options are a good idea really are they.
So here I am stuck back at square one, misurable, depressed and skint, without ciggerettes, alcohol or sex! Fabulous! I mean what was so bad about being a chain smoker, an alcoholic and the best sex life in Brighton, fuck getting called a whore it solved my money problems. If I was having sex I wasn't sitting round depressed about money and thinking about where the next meals going to come from! I feel as though I may fall off the wagon soon with the booze, yay or nay?
So I saw Barney today, you all know Barney right? Some prick that stole my virginity ... actually I gave it up pretty williningly to be fair to him. But I was maybe not in love with him but besotted with him! He's still as gawjuss as ever, fuck him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth tanned skin ugh I officially hate him for still being able to make me catch me breath 6 years down the line! His now fiance of 5 years is really not very attractive and overweight, can I just say at this point I am not delibratly a bitch, but he broke my fucking heart and so why could he be with her not me? I know I'm not exactly little miss stunning but I thought I'd grown into my looks (or maybe I've just grown out of them, God knows). Any how so if it isn't my looks then it must be my personality and I kind of think thats worse! I know i'm mentally ill, but would it be really bad if I started stalking him in attempt to win him back... I know where he lives!
This stalking business is getting a little out of hand me thinks. I mean I stalked him for a year before I even had the bleeding balls to ask for his number and I think I need to seriously give up stalking "mr across the Rd". Oh jesus and then I started stalking this new guy Wakan- I have no idea jhow to pronounce this, he's 22, born in Pakestan but living in london and thinking of moving to Brighton (round the corner from me mums-conveniently) has a car too (although its green, not good). Whatever he's an idiot because he took my digits and hasn't rung or added me on fb! (yes he did ask me for me fb name)! I really hate guys taking me number, I'd much rather take there's cuz as you all know I'm a total control freak and I like to be able to contact them if I want or keep them hanging on if I want, but now he has all the control and I have none GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck it I refuse to get silly over boys- I AM NOT 15 ANYMORE!
Jesus I'm really struggling with the whole Diesel situation, everytime I kind of think I'm OK with it something reminds me of something he said or did or wore or whatever and it all comes rushing back!
For fuck sake when will I be at ease with his suicide!
Not a good subject to bring up at night thats me having night mares all night BRILLIANT! Although it is September 11th so I guess it would be inevatable anyhow.
OK thats it I'm going to job centre tomo to demand they give me more money CUNTS blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm sure theres more to write, like Terrys a prick, and my dads a wanker, but hey guess you already knew that if you are a regular follower!
I'm going to go pass out I'm beyond tired need sleepppppppppppppppppppppp
Peace out lovers
love , love , love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Man my life sucks!!
I wish good things last but they don't!
The majority of my problems revolve around money and men!
I live off virtually nothing and now the buses have gone up from £55 to £62 thats £7! This is a fucking joke, I swear I don't even know what I'm paying for, to stand around in the cold for near enough at least half hour everytime I wait for a bus. I'm on the serious case to complain to a lot of authority people right now, God fucking damn it!
I can't even aford to buy the material to make peoples christmas presents this year!
I'm in desperate need of one of those light boxes for SAD cuz autumns only just started and already I'm suffereing from severe lack of vitimin D but unfortunatly they cost between £50-£100!
Why does everything cost so much fucking money! It's a joke.
So I think I'm down to my last straw after attempting to ask people to you know maybe ... give me £50 so I can buy all my bits to make everyone christmas prezzies and being rejected I conclude I have two options left the 1st being
commit suicide (and I'm really sorry if you read this and think a) I'm being a drama queen/attention seeker, b) thats a really selfish thing to put up for people to read). However my argument is this is my blog and I don't sugar coat things and I write the truth of how I feel and as I always say, you are reading it at your own risk!
and how the other option is becoming a theif... Ok lets say "borrowing" theif doesn't sound too good. So I like borrow things from say Tescos for example (come on it isn't like they can't afford it). I just happen to forget to return it!
Although relistically neither of those options are a good idea really are they.
So here I am stuck back at square one, misurable, depressed and skint, without ciggerettes, alcohol or sex! Fabulous! I mean what was so bad about being a chain smoker, an alcoholic and the best sex life in Brighton, fuck getting called a whore it solved my money problems. If I was having sex I wasn't sitting round depressed about money and thinking about where the next meals going to come from! I feel as though I may fall off the wagon soon with the booze, yay or nay?
So I saw Barney today, you all know Barney right? Some prick that stole my virginity ... actually I gave it up pretty williningly to be fair to him. But I was maybe not in love with him but besotted with him! He's still as gawjuss as ever, fuck him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth tanned skin ugh I officially hate him for still being able to make me catch me breath 6 years down the line! His now fiance of 5 years is really not very attractive and overweight, can I just say at this point I am not delibratly a bitch, but he broke my fucking heart and so why could he be with her not me? I know I'm not exactly little miss stunning but I thought I'd grown into my looks (or maybe I've just grown out of them, God knows). Any how so if it isn't my looks then it must be my personality and I kind of think thats worse! I know i'm mentally ill, but would it be really bad if I started stalking him in attempt to win him back... I know where he lives!
This stalking business is getting a little out of hand me thinks. I mean I stalked him for a year before I even had the bleeding balls to ask for his number and I think I need to seriously give up stalking "mr across the Rd". Oh jesus and then I started stalking this new guy Wakan- I have no idea jhow to pronounce this, he's 22, born in Pakestan but living in london and thinking of moving to Brighton (round the corner from me mums-conveniently) has a car too (although its green, not good). Whatever he's an idiot because he took my digits and hasn't rung or added me on fb! (yes he did ask me for me fb name)! I really hate guys taking me number, I'd much rather take there's cuz as you all know I'm a total control freak and I like to be able to contact them if I want or keep them hanging on if I want, but now he has all the control and I have none GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck it I refuse to get silly over boys- I AM NOT 15 ANYMORE!
Jesus I'm really struggling with the whole Diesel situation, everytime I kind of think I'm OK with it something reminds me of something he said or did or wore or whatever and it all comes rushing back!
For fuck sake when will I be at ease with his suicide!
Not a good subject to bring up at night thats me having night mares all night BRILLIANT! Although it is September 11th so I guess it would be inevatable anyhow.
OK thats it I'm going to job centre tomo to demand they give me more money CUNTS blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm sure theres more to write, like Terrys a prick, and my dads a wanker, but hey guess you already knew that if you are a regular follower!
I'm going to go pass out I'm beyond tired need sleepppppppppppppppppppppp
Peace out lovers
love , love , love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 4 September 2011
If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with ma friends, make it last forever friendship never ends ...
Oh my Goshie the spice gals rawwwwwwwwwwwwwk!!!
I'm not doing a very good job at my updates am I recently, terrible. I do apoligise, I've been ridiculosly busy!
So current mood, would be somewhere between frustrated and annoyed! I am frustrated because I have recently developed a crush for "mr across the road" and my Goshie he is hottie ;-) infact we actually had our first conversation the other day he called across the road "you alright" and I was like "yeah am fine thanks you"? and he was like "yeah all good"! This is a big step for me. Although after going out with the girls today (Andrea, Dani and Kate) I've made the decision to leave my number that I give to boys (as in not the number I use for long term people ie mates and family) and leave it on his windscreen wiper of his car. Accept there is one tiny problem... actually a great big fucking fat juicy one! He's not in... well at least his cars not there and his bedroom light isn't on and there's no chance he would be asleep now! I've been watching the house since 8pm! (Oh jesus I'm begining to sound like a bit of a phyco).
Look he lives oppisite OK I am NOT stalking ... I promise... Ok maybe just a little.. heehee.
Anyhow back to the point thats why I'm frustrated. I thought if I just leave my number and a kiss that way if he rings I can't answer cuz my other phone only works for texting and he'll just get o2 voicemail, as opposed to my increadably embarassing one about being a fucking princess (even though, lets face it I am... a princess that is) (not a fucking one.. I'm celibate STILL and jesus don't I just know it)!!! anyhow going off on abit of a tangent as always so I was going to wait for him to text me and ask if he's single and if he says no I won't text him again and he'll never even no it was me mwahahahahahaha! This would all be a hell of a lot simpler if I knew his fucking name, I could find him on fb. Or I dunno if I knew one of his mates names I could find him through that arghhhhhhhhhh!! So anyhows gotta do it the hard way...
I'm annoyed because my dad is an official wanker! Guess I sort of knew that anyhow. 3 months he ain't rung me and so I started thinking probabaly should get in touch, coming up for christmas and all that and my step mums obviously pissed off with me cuz she passed me straight over to my dad. Not sure what I'm meant to have done but hey she does like to hold grudges even worse than me... although it would be nice if I knew what I had done wrong. I know I ain't rung in a while but jesus they never rung me neither and I was the one that was homeless!
Anyhows so my dad clearly reluctently talked to me and I kind of wish I hadn't bothered... I won't in future, Jesus its really not worth the hassel just for about £30 worth of christmas presents. I don't have to prove nout to him, or her for that matter or anyone. Anyways so told me dad about college and stuff and all the things I'd been doing but got fuck all support and enthusiasm and now I remember why I stopped ringing in the 1st place. Fuck it, would have been so much easier if he just left when I was 4 and that was it, he's mad e it so much worse coming in and out of my life for 18 years, I wish I never knew him, it would have made it easier, I could have hated him that way. Instead I just resent him, I don't know whats worse!
Men aye MEH!
Rant over. There is a little bit more shit stuff and then I fill you with the good news... Well I had my wanking wisdom tooth number 2 out and I was completly off my face it was quite amusing.. until it wore off and I was in agony, never the less I'm gradually healing..
My sister (becca) can really be like the nasiset bitch ever sometimes, although she's away until tomo so making the most of lack of bossiness and the TV not being dominated, or the fact that she goes out of her way to get in the shower before me when she knows I've got to be somewhere by a ceratin time.
Emma (as in my supposed best mate) decided that I am a bitch because apparently I never support her even though it was always me going to see her and she always cancelled on me so not sure how I was meant to support her but anyhow its been weeks now, so she'll probabaly just go get married and have a bunch of kids but whatever her life not mine!
So on the plus side, I don't have any STD's so now just have one last HIV test left to have in a couple weeks and I'm all clear!
I haven't had a ciggerette or an alcoholic drink for months, and I am also still celibate...
I got onto my beauty therapy course at Lewes college, I got onto the princes Trsut team programme, I've taken up knitting, I'm still doing me voluntry work at Newhaven Fort, I've joined a drama group too :-D.
All optimistic things..
And I've joined a bi polar support group (1st thursday of every month). Its so good to not feel alone with me illness any more. Get this too I finally after 9 years have an appointment with a consultant phyciatrist HALLILULA!!!!!!
I finally might get a real diagnosis.
Good shit and I went to Princess Andrea's Oasis party friday night and won £50 gift vouchers to spend at Oasis wooop wooop :D and the lovley Dani gave me her free gift which was this totally wicked bracelet.
Man I love me mates!
xx mwah xx
Now heading off to write my christmas list so I can send it to Santa, mmm santa I've been a very good gal this year ;-) oh and got serious boy stalking to do!
Peace out me faithful followers!
love love love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm not doing a very good job at my updates am I recently, terrible. I do apoligise, I've been ridiculosly busy!
So current mood, would be somewhere between frustrated and annoyed! I am frustrated because I have recently developed a crush for "mr across the road" and my Goshie he is hottie ;-) infact we actually had our first conversation the other day he called across the road "you alright" and I was like "yeah am fine thanks you"? and he was like "yeah all good"! This is a big step for me. Although after going out with the girls today (Andrea, Dani and Kate) I've made the decision to leave my number that I give to boys (as in not the number I use for long term people ie mates and family) and leave it on his windscreen wiper of his car. Accept there is one tiny problem... actually a great big fucking fat juicy one! He's not in... well at least his cars not there and his bedroom light isn't on and there's no chance he would be asleep now! I've been watching the house since 8pm! (Oh jesus I'm begining to sound like a bit of a phyco).
Look he lives oppisite OK I am NOT stalking ... I promise... Ok maybe just a little.. heehee.
Anyhow back to the point thats why I'm frustrated. I thought if I just leave my number and a kiss that way if he rings I can't answer cuz my other phone only works for texting and he'll just get o2 voicemail, as opposed to my increadably embarassing one about being a fucking princess (even though, lets face it I am... a princess that is) (not a fucking one.. I'm celibate STILL and jesus don't I just know it)!!! anyhow going off on abit of a tangent as always so I was going to wait for him to text me and ask if he's single and if he says no I won't text him again and he'll never even no it was me mwahahahahahaha! This would all be a hell of a lot simpler if I knew his fucking name, I could find him on fb. Or I dunno if I knew one of his mates names I could find him through that arghhhhhhhhhh!! So anyhows gotta do it the hard way...
I'm annoyed because my dad is an official wanker! Guess I sort of knew that anyhow. 3 months he ain't rung me and so I started thinking probabaly should get in touch, coming up for christmas and all that and my step mums obviously pissed off with me cuz she passed me straight over to my dad. Not sure what I'm meant to have done but hey she does like to hold grudges even worse than me... although it would be nice if I knew what I had done wrong. I know I ain't rung in a while but jesus they never rung me neither and I was the one that was homeless!
Anyhows so my dad clearly reluctently talked to me and I kind of wish I hadn't bothered... I won't in future, Jesus its really not worth the hassel just for about £30 worth of christmas presents. I don't have to prove nout to him, or her for that matter or anyone. Anyways so told me dad about college and stuff and all the things I'd been doing but got fuck all support and enthusiasm and now I remember why I stopped ringing in the 1st place. Fuck it, would have been so much easier if he just left when I was 4 and that was it, he's mad e it so much worse coming in and out of my life for 18 years, I wish I never knew him, it would have made it easier, I could have hated him that way. Instead I just resent him, I don't know whats worse!
Men aye MEH!
Rant over. There is a little bit more shit stuff and then I fill you with the good news... Well I had my wanking wisdom tooth number 2 out and I was completly off my face it was quite amusing.. until it wore off and I was in agony, never the less I'm gradually healing..
My sister (becca) can really be like the nasiset bitch ever sometimes, although she's away until tomo so making the most of lack of bossiness and the TV not being dominated, or the fact that she goes out of her way to get in the shower before me when she knows I've got to be somewhere by a ceratin time.
Emma (as in my supposed best mate) decided that I am a bitch because apparently I never support her even though it was always me going to see her and she always cancelled on me so not sure how I was meant to support her but anyhow its been weeks now, so she'll probabaly just go get married and have a bunch of kids but whatever her life not mine!
So on the plus side, I don't have any STD's so now just have one last HIV test left to have in a couple weeks and I'm all clear!
I haven't had a ciggerette or an alcoholic drink for months, and I am also still celibate...
I got onto my beauty therapy course at Lewes college, I got onto the princes Trsut team programme, I've taken up knitting, I'm still doing me voluntry work at Newhaven Fort, I've joined a drama group too :-D.
All optimistic things..
And I've joined a bi polar support group (1st thursday of every month). Its so good to not feel alone with me illness any more. Get this too I finally after 9 years have an appointment with a consultant phyciatrist HALLILULA!!!!!!
I finally might get a real diagnosis.
Good shit and I went to Princess Andrea's Oasis party friday night and won £50 gift vouchers to spend at Oasis wooop wooop :D and the lovley Dani gave me her free gift which was this totally wicked bracelet.
Man I love me mates!
xx mwah xx
Now heading off to write my christmas list so I can send it to Santa, mmm santa I've been a very good gal this year ;-) oh and got serious boy stalking to do!
Peace out me faithful followers!
love love love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 21 August 2011
good bye 20 something guys.. hello 30 something guys...
It wasn't until I was on the phone today that I remembered how I've been going oh so wrong when it comes to men! Obviously not everythings black and white (its fucking grey) however all in all it all comes down to one thing... AGE!!!
So there we have it I stupidly went from dating guys in their 30s and occasionally even 40's to then giving guys in their 20s ago and it's crazy how different the conversation flows.
For example if I was trying to talk to a guy in their 20's about my anxietys and problems etc I just get this completly bullshit response. Spmething like "snap out of it" or "oh well I don't care its not me thats upset you" or even "I'm not really interested in hearing about this". Ever noticed how they're happy to go on and on and on about crap that we're not really interested in but yet expect us to listen and if we don't they "go into their cave".
So no more men in their 20's its a no go area! Look I've had Chris, Terry, Craig, Beau, Luke, Ian, etc and apart from all being pricks they all had one thing in common, men in their 20's!!!
Now as you know I try not to genralize but all in all men in their 30's tend to be much more understanding, and better at listening, not spending their whole time looking for someone else to blame when something doesn't work out and knows how to take responsability for their actions!!
So your probabaly been wondering what dramas have been going down in the world of princess in the last 3 weeks...
Well apart from developing a massive crush on mr across the Rd I haven't really had an interaction with men!
I haven't snogged any men or slept with any men...
I am still celibate, still on the wagon and still not smoking. I belive its either 10 or 11 weeks without a ciggy tomo. About 2 months without a drink on thursday and 8 weeks without sex today, only 3 more weeks till I can go for my blood test, I already had my last STD test and should get the results in about 1/2 weeks time so fingers crossed for me...
Other than that I have learnt how to knit and going to "knit and natter" club on mondays don't fucking laugh OK it's better than sitting around watching people get drunk or attempting to have a conversation with someone in a club whilst shouting at them and not hearing what they say anyhow cuz its too loud and they're too drunk to make any sense any how. At least with knitting you have something to show for it as opposed to a sore head and an empty purse. Not that I need to justify myself of course!!
Been still doing me voluntry work, infact I'm seeing the shakespeare play that we must not say on tuesday night!
Going to see ma sis tomo an all its been way too long.
Oh did I mention that Becca is completly unreasonable. I swear she suffers from conveinient amnesia. We had a massive fight on friday, which sort of lead on from thursday. PArtly cuz she's completly unreasonable and a bully.
Thursday night. I'm in the living room with her (her being Becca my delightful sister) and Iain and I was saying ohhh I hope mum pays for me tomo night as I'm totally skint and she was all like well I dobut it she may pay a bit towards it, and I was like oh but I'm totally skint, and she's all like well you had money to go swimming! I mean hello swimming is £2.30 its hardly the same price as a meal, and I'm certainly not giving that up, its just about the only thing that stops me from breaking her legs when shes being a bitch which seems to get more and more frequant by the hour. She's on a total mission to get mum to kick me out!
So any how I was all like oh I won't come then, and she was like whatever don't come then I don't care. So I was like oh whatever you can sort the cake out on your own.
So I start reading me book and her and Iain start arguing because that's all they ever fucking do. I was like jesus can you not I get bored listening. So she was all like well you don't have to read down here. So I was like fine and went next door to use the printer. So she then comes in and starts having a pop at me about using the printer, I love the way she thinks she owns the place!
Anyhow she was acting OKish later so I sort of let it go.
However the next day I'm baking the cake for mum and Jude birthday and she comes home and starts telling me off for just about everything telling me I'm doing it all wrong. I did try to not get cross but its hard when someone is constantly on your case for EVERYTHING! So I snapped and yes I do shout quite loudly. I walked out and went upstairs and she just doesn't leave me alone she follows me upstairs shouting up at me at the bottom of the stairs. She can be such a cow too she told me that mum should just kick me out and she hates me and that I should just go kill myself. She's such a bitch. She made me cry, but she doesn't care, I'll never get an appolagy of the middle class cow that thinks shes right no matter what she does or says.
I texted mum to say that I wasn't coming for dinner because becca had been horrible to me and made me cry and that I couldn't afford it anyhow. She told me she was expecting to pay for me anyhow and that to try to just be civilised to one another for one evening. Jude came up and had a chat with me when they arrived home!
So I did end up going. Her and Iain had a row for about 2 hours before we went out and mum was really upset. I swear she goes on about how I think the hole world revolves around me, but at least I don't deny it and besides shes dying for the whole world to revolve around her. Hasn't anyone told that girl thats the only person jealousy hurts is yourself! Apparently not!
Still I find out if I can do the princes trust course on friday. If i do that starts in september and its full time so that'll keep me well out the way for 12 weeks at least.
I also find on on 31st (10 days today) whether I get onto my beauty therapy course! Man I'm praying soooooo hard!!
I'm also considering having me hair cut short again... What do peoples think if that?
Any hows that gives you alot to think about.
Peace out my amazing followers
love love love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
So there we have it I stupidly went from dating guys in their 30s and occasionally even 40's to then giving guys in their 20s ago and it's crazy how different the conversation flows.
For example if I was trying to talk to a guy in their 20's about my anxietys and problems etc I just get this completly bullshit response. Spmething like "snap out of it" or "oh well I don't care its not me thats upset you" or even "I'm not really interested in hearing about this". Ever noticed how they're happy to go on and on and on about crap that we're not really interested in but yet expect us to listen and if we don't they "go into their cave".
So no more men in their 20's its a no go area! Look I've had Chris, Terry, Craig, Beau, Luke, Ian, etc and apart from all being pricks they all had one thing in common, men in their 20's!!!
Now as you know I try not to genralize but all in all men in their 30's tend to be much more understanding, and better at listening, not spending their whole time looking for someone else to blame when something doesn't work out and knows how to take responsability for their actions!!
So your probabaly been wondering what dramas have been going down in the world of princess in the last 3 weeks...
Well apart from developing a massive crush on mr across the Rd I haven't really had an interaction with men!
I haven't snogged any men or slept with any men...
I am still celibate, still on the wagon and still not smoking. I belive its either 10 or 11 weeks without a ciggy tomo. About 2 months without a drink on thursday and 8 weeks without sex today, only 3 more weeks till I can go for my blood test, I already had my last STD test and should get the results in about 1/2 weeks time so fingers crossed for me...
Other than that I have learnt how to knit and going to "knit and natter" club on mondays don't fucking laugh OK it's better than sitting around watching people get drunk or attempting to have a conversation with someone in a club whilst shouting at them and not hearing what they say anyhow cuz its too loud and they're too drunk to make any sense any how. At least with knitting you have something to show for it as opposed to a sore head and an empty purse. Not that I need to justify myself of course!!
Been still doing me voluntry work, infact I'm seeing the shakespeare play that we must not say on tuesday night!
Going to see ma sis tomo an all its been way too long.
Oh did I mention that Becca is completly unreasonable. I swear she suffers from conveinient amnesia. We had a massive fight on friday, which sort of lead on from thursday. PArtly cuz she's completly unreasonable and a bully.
Thursday night. I'm in the living room with her (her being Becca my delightful sister) and Iain and I was saying ohhh I hope mum pays for me tomo night as I'm totally skint and she was all like well I dobut it she may pay a bit towards it, and I was like oh but I'm totally skint, and she's all like well you had money to go swimming! I mean hello swimming is £2.30 its hardly the same price as a meal, and I'm certainly not giving that up, its just about the only thing that stops me from breaking her legs when shes being a bitch which seems to get more and more frequant by the hour. She's on a total mission to get mum to kick me out!
So any how I was all like oh I won't come then, and she was like whatever don't come then I don't care. So I was like oh whatever you can sort the cake out on your own.
So I start reading me book and her and Iain start arguing because that's all they ever fucking do. I was like jesus can you not I get bored listening. So she was all like well you don't have to read down here. So I was like fine and went next door to use the printer. So she then comes in and starts having a pop at me about using the printer, I love the way she thinks she owns the place!
Anyhow she was acting OKish later so I sort of let it go.
However the next day I'm baking the cake for mum and Jude birthday and she comes home and starts telling me off for just about everything telling me I'm doing it all wrong. I did try to not get cross but its hard when someone is constantly on your case for EVERYTHING! So I snapped and yes I do shout quite loudly. I walked out and went upstairs and she just doesn't leave me alone she follows me upstairs shouting up at me at the bottom of the stairs. She can be such a cow too she told me that mum should just kick me out and she hates me and that I should just go kill myself. She's such a bitch. She made me cry, but she doesn't care, I'll never get an appolagy of the middle class cow that thinks shes right no matter what she does or says.
I texted mum to say that I wasn't coming for dinner because becca had been horrible to me and made me cry and that I couldn't afford it anyhow. She told me she was expecting to pay for me anyhow and that to try to just be civilised to one another for one evening. Jude came up and had a chat with me when they arrived home!
So I did end up going. Her and Iain had a row for about 2 hours before we went out and mum was really upset. I swear she goes on about how I think the hole world revolves around me, but at least I don't deny it and besides shes dying for the whole world to revolve around her. Hasn't anyone told that girl thats the only person jealousy hurts is yourself! Apparently not!
Still I find out if I can do the princes trust course on friday. If i do that starts in september and its full time so that'll keep me well out the way for 12 weeks at least.
I also find on on 31st (10 days today) whether I get onto my beauty therapy course! Man I'm praying soooooo hard!!
I'm also considering having me hair cut short again... What do peoples think if that?
Any hows that gives you alot to think about.
Peace out my amazing followers
love love love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 31 July 2011
and thats when it blew up in my face...
and there we have it another failed relationship!
What can I say I just I feel like.. ok how to I put this without sounding like a total bitch?
...I am a total bitch so fuck it. You know like when people have an okish job and a flat or whatever and they're say in their early 20s and they plan to have a child with their "long term boyfriend"/ fiance! Well I always feel like there's got to be more to life than just having an Okish job and a bunch of kids. Well thats kind of how I feel with guys. I just feel like there's got to be more to men than what there is.
So your wondering why me and Beau broke up? I'll tel you why ...
I haven't met anyone as big as a wind up merchant as Beau since I left school. He drove me mad. It just was like this constant obsession to see how far he could push me before I either cried, wanted to kill him or hit the bottle. Not exactly a great start to a healthy relationship.
It wasn't just that I guess I felt like he was completly incapable of being sensitve towards my feelings. Using what I'd told him against me. (Yes OK so maybe I shouldn't tell guys everything so quickly but thats no exscuse). For example going on and on about how many people I'd slept with like it was some sort of crazy fixation or something past is past. Let it go. His paranoia that I was going to cheat on him (OK so in the past I may have cheated but 1st time I was 16 hello and 2nd time was Chris so need I say any more). Oh and he was always on at me for supposedly looking at girls...
He used me once upon a time being a hooker against me, which actually is none of his damn business and no one has a right to judge me!
NO ONE!!!
When I started getting really bad anxiety about my ex Diesel who killed himself instead of trying to be understanding he just kept telling me to snap out of it!
I really can't be bothered to go on. You get the jist of it..
Any how I left the hotel at 5.30am and sat in Mac Donalds till 8am when the bus came to take me back to Brighton. He did offer to let me stay until the 1st bus came after he'd pushed me well over my limit, by this point I was so frustrated, pissed off and bitter the idea of spending another minute with him felt like torture and for all of you know me and know how much I despise Mac Donalds must understand how bad it would have been for me to chose sitting in there for 2.5 hours as oppossed to spend another minute with him.
So am I sad? To be honest I'm kind of relieved he wasn't making me happy, I certainly wasn't making him happy and all we did was argue!
Thinking about becoming a swinger. Getting a vagazzle, can't wait for me celabacy to be over! I think I got about 6 more weeks! Thank fuck!
Any how I'm exauasted so should proabablly go, a night of sex in the city tonight me thinks...
xx
What can I say I just I feel like.. ok how to I put this without sounding like a total bitch?
...I am a total bitch so fuck it. You know like when people have an okish job and a flat or whatever and they're say in their early 20s and they plan to have a child with their "long term boyfriend"/ fiance! Well I always feel like there's got to be more to life than just having an Okish job and a bunch of kids. Well thats kind of how I feel with guys. I just feel like there's got to be more to men than what there is.
So your wondering why me and Beau broke up? I'll tel you why ...
I haven't met anyone as big as a wind up merchant as Beau since I left school. He drove me mad. It just was like this constant obsession to see how far he could push me before I either cried, wanted to kill him or hit the bottle. Not exactly a great start to a healthy relationship.
It wasn't just that I guess I felt like he was completly incapable of being sensitve towards my feelings. Using what I'd told him against me. (Yes OK so maybe I shouldn't tell guys everything so quickly but thats no exscuse). For example going on and on about how many people I'd slept with like it was some sort of crazy fixation or something past is past. Let it go. His paranoia that I was going to cheat on him (OK so in the past I may have cheated but 1st time I was 16 hello and 2nd time was Chris so need I say any more). Oh and he was always on at me for supposedly looking at girls...
He used me once upon a time being a hooker against me, which actually is none of his damn business and no one has a right to judge me!
NO ONE!!!
When I started getting really bad anxiety about my ex Diesel who killed himself instead of trying to be understanding he just kept telling me to snap out of it!
I really can't be bothered to go on. You get the jist of it..
Any how I left the hotel at 5.30am and sat in Mac Donalds till 8am when the bus came to take me back to Brighton. He did offer to let me stay until the 1st bus came after he'd pushed me well over my limit, by this point I was so frustrated, pissed off and bitter the idea of spending another minute with him felt like torture and for all of you know me and know how much I despise Mac Donalds must understand how bad it would have been for me to chose sitting in there for 2.5 hours as oppossed to spend another minute with him.
So am I sad? To be honest I'm kind of relieved he wasn't making me happy, I certainly wasn't making him happy and all we did was argue!
Thinking about becoming a swinger. Getting a vagazzle, can't wait for me celabacy to be over! I think I got about 6 more weeks! Thank fuck!
Any how I'm exauasted so should proabablly go, a night of sex in the city tonight me thinks...
xx
Sunday, 24 July 2011
A whole new world...
Wow 11 days of no show is an extremly long time in the world of princess Elle, since I've last written Becca and Iain have had about ten thousand arguments, I've been dumped once, asked out twice, Amy Winehouse has died, 91 people in Norway got shot by some nutter, I am actually going to do my beauty therapy course, I haven't smoked in 7 weeks tomo, I haven't drunk in 6 weeks thursday, I've been celibate 5 weeks today and I am no longer single, get me in one week and 4 days mental or what...
So I have been running around like a blue arsed fly; swimming, getting to appointments, working, doing me co-counselling and attempting to see mates but sometimes wondering where the hours in the day have gone.
So your wondering who dumped me? Well that was Craig, I wouldn't really have called him my boyfriend just another prick to add to the list really, besides he wasn't even that cute, I'm better!
Any how so you want to know who me man is yes?
Well he's called Beau (for the weirdos out there who don't know it means beautiful in french). And bless him he really is.
I met him online begrugingly because I was coming to litrally the very end of my teather with men until I met Beau!
He lives in Ascott and I have absolutly no idea where that is because my geography is appauling but according to him it's about an hour and half drive away!
So he came to pick me up friday evening and we booked into the Lansdowne Place hotel which was totally cosmopolitan! I'd previously made reservations at La tascas so we got a taxi there and the food was amazing as ever, fuck I love food too much for this stupid diet bullshit (although I am still going to aim towards being a skinny mini).
We went back to the hotel for cocktails after dinner was a totally amazing night...
Yeah I know what your questioning but sorry to disapoint you but read up... 5 WEEKS CELIBATE... no I didn't slip up I still haven't had sex, trust me come september the wait will be well worth it!
So acception of a few hiccups all in all it was a lovely weekend I didn't want Beau to leave but I know that good things come to those who wait and besides I've only got to wait 6 more days before I see him again and if you saw how packed my diary is you'll understand how one week roles into the next week without a blink of an eye seriously before I know it I'm going to be 40 years old with bunions the size of Africa .. (actually they already are the size of Africa) the size of Jupiter and a great big bum and tits that reach so low even the devil can have a fucking grope, fuck me thats really depressing!
Oh and one more thing please don't tell me I'm putting all my eggs into one basket because for one I'm fed up with expressions, for two that expressions is completly over rated and for 3 I don't have any eggs so blurgh!
I love the way everytime I seem to have good news my family can't just be like "do you know what Elle that's really good" instead they have to start ranting on about some shit and then I just want to scratch their eyes out!
It would just be nice if for once every one could just support me on my decision and trust my judgment (this isn't actually refereing to my new man, but thats probabally why I haven't told mum yet cuz I can already hear her voice ringing in my ear) I was actually refering to my courses that I start in a month and a week! Wow don't you just love being supported!
Any how thats all for now I'm tired and severly craving chocolate, ta ta for now!
Peace and love to my faithful followers
xxxxxxxxxx
So I have been running around like a blue arsed fly; swimming, getting to appointments, working, doing me co-counselling and attempting to see mates but sometimes wondering where the hours in the day have gone.
So your wondering who dumped me? Well that was Craig, I wouldn't really have called him my boyfriend just another prick to add to the list really, besides he wasn't even that cute, I'm better!
Any how so you want to know who me man is yes?
Well he's called Beau (for the weirdos out there who don't know it means beautiful in french). And bless him he really is.
I met him online begrugingly because I was coming to litrally the very end of my teather with men until I met Beau!
He lives in Ascott and I have absolutly no idea where that is because my geography is appauling but according to him it's about an hour and half drive away!
So he came to pick me up friday evening and we booked into the Lansdowne Place hotel which was totally cosmopolitan! I'd previously made reservations at La tascas so we got a taxi there and the food was amazing as ever, fuck I love food too much for this stupid diet bullshit (although I am still going to aim towards being a skinny mini).
We went back to the hotel for cocktails after dinner was a totally amazing night...
Yeah I know what your questioning but sorry to disapoint you but read up... 5 WEEKS CELIBATE... no I didn't slip up I still haven't had sex, trust me come september the wait will be well worth it!
So acception of a few hiccups all in all it was a lovely weekend I didn't want Beau to leave but I know that good things come to those who wait and besides I've only got to wait 6 more days before I see him again and if you saw how packed my diary is you'll understand how one week roles into the next week without a blink of an eye seriously before I know it I'm going to be 40 years old with bunions the size of Africa .. (actually they already are the size of Africa) the size of Jupiter and a great big bum and tits that reach so low even the devil can have a fucking grope, fuck me thats really depressing!
Oh and one more thing please don't tell me I'm putting all my eggs into one basket because for one I'm fed up with expressions, for two that expressions is completly over rated and for 3 I don't have any eggs so blurgh!
I love the way everytime I seem to have good news my family can't just be like "do you know what Elle that's really good" instead they have to start ranting on about some shit and then I just want to scratch their eyes out!
It would just be nice if for once every one could just support me on my decision and trust my judgment (this isn't actually refereing to my new man, but thats probabally why I haven't told mum yet cuz I can already hear her voice ringing in my ear) I was actually refering to my courses that I start in a month and a week! Wow don't you just love being supported!
Any how thats all for now I'm tired and severly craving chocolate, ta ta for now!
Peace and love to my faithful followers
xxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Manic lows and a whole lot of pain..
I crashed last night. It wasn't just one thing. I had meant to be going out with Jess but she had to work and re aranged it for tonight instead. Which meant I was here (at mums) I don't want to be here at all. After mun decided she's going to kick me out I don't want to be around her.
Anyhows it's been 5 weeks and 2 days without a ciggerette, 3 weeks and 6 days sober and 2 weeks 3 days celibate. I can assure you it ain't easy and all I do is eat. My eatings sort of out of control at the moment. Its seems that I can't stop.
I've got loads of thigns to do today and the idea of doing them makes me feel shaken to the bone. I sslashed up my arm last night and today I feel guilty ick and tired!
I feel the agraphobia kicking in which means I definitly need to do what I had planned for today because otherwise it'll get worse.
I'm meant to be going for a swim in the next half hour before it gets busy, then to come back here for abit and then be in Newhaven for 3pm for Tia Chi till 5pm and then back here (to mums) to then meet Jess and 8pm. That involves getting 8 buses today.. that is not cool.
But hey if I just take one step at a time. Like make it to the pool and then getting to newhaven, I just need to stop thinking so flippin' much.
I feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!
So what else is going on? What besides that fact that I'm going to be homeless??
Well I ended things with Jimmy... actually to be honest I didn't I just didn't contact him again, but then he didn't contact me either so there you go..
I dunno there was no chemistry and ... fuck have I already said all this in my last blog???
Okies whatever...
So I've started seeing this guy Craig, I ain't giving too much away but I do really like him and I'm praying that I don't fuck this one up and I'm terified that I'm going to, just for once please send some luck my way I'll be good forever I promise.
I'm sorry for slashing up me arms, its just sometimes it just gets too much...
Okies I should probablly go.
I am in agony my tooth still hurts, I've got a mouth ulcer the size of jupiter and the antibiotics has given me thrush from hell OH JOYS!!!
Peace out
xxx
Anyhows it's been 5 weeks and 2 days without a ciggerette, 3 weeks and 6 days sober and 2 weeks 3 days celibate. I can assure you it ain't easy and all I do is eat. My eatings sort of out of control at the moment. Its seems that I can't stop.
I've got loads of thigns to do today and the idea of doing them makes me feel shaken to the bone. I sslashed up my arm last night and today I feel guilty ick and tired!
I feel the agraphobia kicking in which means I definitly need to do what I had planned for today because otherwise it'll get worse.
I'm meant to be going for a swim in the next half hour before it gets busy, then to come back here for abit and then be in Newhaven for 3pm for Tia Chi till 5pm and then back here (to mums) to then meet Jess and 8pm. That involves getting 8 buses today.. that is not cool.
But hey if I just take one step at a time. Like make it to the pool and then getting to newhaven, I just need to stop thinking so flippin' much.
I feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!
So what else is going on? What besides that fact that I'm going to be homeless??
Well I ended things with Jimmy... actually to be honest I didn't I just didn't contact him again, but then he didn't contact me either so there you go..
I dunno there was no chemistry and ... fuck have I already said all this in my last blog???
Okies whatever...
So I've started seeing this guy Craig, I ain't giving too much away but I do really like him and I'm praying that I don't fuck this one up and I'm terified that I'm going to, just for once please send some luck my way I'll be good forever I promise.
I'm sorry for slashing up me arms, its just sometimes it just gets too much...
Okies I should probablly go.
I am in agony my tooth still hurts, I've got a mouth ulcer the size of jupiter and the antibiotics has given me thrush from hell OH JOYS!!!
Peace out
xxx
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