..I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby. What it all comes down to, is that everythings going to be fine fine fine. Cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other ones giving a high five.
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid, I'm tired but I'm working, yeah. I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone, I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby.
What it all comes down to is everythings going to be quite alright, cuz I got one hand in my pocket, and the other ones flicking a cigarette.
What it all comes down to is I haven't got it all figured out just yet, cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.
I'm free but I'm focussed, I'm green but I'm wise, I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby. I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit, I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.
And what it all boils down to is no one's really got it figured out just yet, I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends, yeah is everythings just fine fine fine. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is hailing a taxi cab.
Amazing song by Alanis Morissette. I swear most of her songs are my life, any how speaking of life, I suppose your all wondering whats been going on in mine. Well well well...
So I think in my last blog I was umming and ahhing about the homeless boy. I'm not sure if I'd actually started speaking to him by this point or not... anyhow, Joe (the homeless boy) and I ended up having a sort of relationship if thats what you can call it, but then come on we all knew it was going to happen, I'm drawn towards fucked up men/boys that I think I can help/fix, one of these days I'll learn that you CANNOT help someone who isn't willing to help himself.
Any how I'm very proud of myself on how I actually handled the whole relationship. Those are Keri's words really going into my head and I'm beginning to really listen and actually hear for once. (Keri is my phyciatric nurse). She told me all about boundaries in relationships and that I don't have to follow their rules as it were, I can just hold up me hands and say enough is enough and walk away, I'm the one that allows them to treat me the way they do! Also making decisions on what I tell me mom and what I chose to not tell her and I am an adult and its interally my choice!
So there we go I've really begun to understand what she meant with all that she said. Learning I don't have to do anything I don't want to do and learning to say no!
So I got into a sort of relationship with Joe, we was spending alot of time together, just me and him, hanging out, drinking coffee, (or in my case tea), talking, laughing, writing notes and genrally enjoying each others company.... Somehow though it all changed and I think it must have been when we both started getting a little bit too close, as in admitting to each other that we had feelings for each other that were stronger than say just friendship. As soon as you go from being mates with a boy/man to being "involved" as I say it all completly changes. At least for me this is how it is. I am more vunrable because Its like Joe suddenly became naked live wires, if I got too close I'd get and eletric shock, and maybe thats what it was like for him too. Anyhow once we sort had confessed we had feelings for each other (and in his case he confessed his undying love for me), in actual fact I can see that he didn't really love me at all, what he was in love with was the idea of me and him, but not so much me. I'm pretty sure in his head he had this fantasy image of what his life would be like if he sorted himself out, got a job and a house and I was his pretty little girlfriend on his arm, pretty and intellagent with plenty of wit, willpower and full of useful skills. So how do I know this... because I fantasise all the time, and its very hard to get a reality check when your a dreamer but even us piceas need a kick up the ass to reality sometimes!
I could feel myself nagging him more about drink and it bothereing me more when he did have a drink, getting more pissed off if he didn't ring when he said he would and started to trust him less and less. I guess it wasn't that I was trusting him less, I suppose it was just when you get "involved" its harder to just step back and see things as an outsider if you get me..
Hopefully this is making sense....
So everything was sort of OK, and I let him spend the night here one nigh (no I didn't sleep with him) wanted to go get tested before all that. Any how it was a really nice evening even though I didn't really trust him. He left the next morning and I didn't hear from here till later that evening (suprise suprise). I was beginning to recall what it was like to be with Chris. I kept telling myself he wasn't like Chris, he was never viloent towards me, I was never scared of Joe physically just mentally!
Any how so even though I had alarm bells going off in my head I ignored them and continued to convince myself it would all be worth it.
Well that was until Joe went missing. I was worried sick, I didn't sleep for 3 days, I reported him as a missing person. 3 days later I get a call and even though I told him how worried sick i'd been I don't think it really registered in his brain!
He was totally casual like it wasn't a big deal, he was staying in Littlehampton with some guy called Dave who was a mate of his or something that wasn't a heroin addict, supposedly anyhow but then I don't know that for certain!
Any how then I eventually saw him 6 days later he came down to Brighton on a friday and took me for dinner and then I put him on a train to Barnham to stay with his mum, who I spoke to whilst worrying my nut off about Joe to see if she'd heard from him. This is also where I began to smell the lies and alarm bells were getting louder, but I wasn't quite ready to give up just then.
I spoke to him next late saturday afternoon and it turns out he was sitting in the middle of the road waiting to get hit by a bus!
Well I was round my mate Kates, with Dani, Kate, Andrea and Chris and I wasn't about to run out on me mates that clearly wasn't really thinking of me. I got a call from the hospital later saying Joe was there and he was fine and that he just wanted me to know. I gave the hospital a ring when I left Kates to speak to him and he wasn't exactly fine but he wasn't hurt.
I then didn't hear from him again till 5 to midnight on my birthday (which was tuesday just gone, 28th) yes I am no longer 22!!!!
Any how he seemed to think everything was fine between us which was when I realised he was totally deluded about our relationship, I'd already assumed it was over between us, but clearly Joe didn't think the same. Any how so I was really off with him and he told me he'd ring back later (which suprise suprise he didn't). Any how enough was enough I changed my number the next day and thats the end of it now!
on that note I've written enough for one night, I've got a hell of a lot more to right but I shall continue to update you sunday as I'm having a duvet day sunday (going out tomo which is saturday to celebrate me birthday properly, so no dobut will have even more to write but then)! xx
Friday, 2 March 2012
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Lean on me when your not strong, I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
So feeling a little bit mixed feelings right now, part of me feels really let down by my family, and totally hopeless around relationships with them. Its now been 5 months that my dad hasn't spoken to me and part of me is just like fuck it, and then there's another part of me that sort of aches for some sort of sign of loving from him, but its hard because I know he'll never change and I've tried so hard but it's exausting trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly isn't bothered whether we have one or not!
So thats me Dad. I guess me mom isn't too bad we do fight quite alot but it tends to blow over in a couple days. I do feel like I'm always a huge disapointment to her though, like I got 87% on my skin care exam tuesday, and she said well done but I just know if it had of been Becca she probabally would have treated her to a meal or something and just sometimes feel like I try really hard to get some where and she never seems to reconise that, yet if I do something wrong she'll notice within a minute and have a fit at me. I guess its hard for her to realise that sometimes I really struggle to get out of bed so even just going for a swim is a big deal, and trying to take control of my health and mental health, it isn't like I'm not doing anything. I don't think she truly has any idea what a struggle I have to sometimes even leave the house, and the fight I have with the mirror every morning!
Then there's Becca, well I don't know what her problem is, it's like she watches me waiting for me to do something wrong. Its constant. It makes me feel so low, its like when I'm doing something sometimes usually when I'm cooking, she just stops and looks at me and I can feel her eyes on me you know that feeling. Its like shes watching and shes just waiting for me to do something wrong so she can start on me.
She can be such a bitch at times, always bringing up the fact that I don't pay any rent. It makes me want to cry, it isn't like I don't know that mum doesn't want me here, and sometimes I think all this shit isn't worth it, but if I leave I haven't got any where else to go! I saw a boy down London Road today when I was down there buying plums, I'm not sure how old he was as he had a hat on, which is pretty standard for this climiate any how, he was homeless in a sleeping bag, and I wanted to cry, I wish there was something I could have done. I walked up and down about 6 times contimplating talking to him, in the end though I just got on the bus because I didn't think it was a good idea, but if I leave that'll be me, and all my homeless mates have always said to me, Elle never be homeless, you'll end up on the drink and the gear with the matter of 3 weeks its the only way to get through the cold nights, they always said I had too much going for me to end up like that.
So guess I'll just stay for now.
Any how I did say only part of me felt like that.
There's another part of me that really is feeling hope right now.
I saw 2 boys at the old steine about 10pm and they were both eating mini chedders, they must have been between 14 and 17 (I'm a crap judge of age) any how I felt really hopefull seeing boys being their age it was refreshing seeing them eating mini chedders instead of drinking cans of beer/cider and smoking.
Feeling hopeful towards myself too, like my gums swelled up monday and so I rung the dentist and made an appointment for today, but even though thats something really small, its good I'm taking better care of myself. Staying away from guys like "Mr across the Road" and Chris, and guys that genrally I know are bad for me!
It was good to see the homepath tuesday too, I got to tell her everything that was going on, so she's given me a remedy that helps reduce swelling of the gums, helps with low mood/depression, good for helping you sleep and anxiety. I swear she's an angel, I'm still depressed but it has picked up a bit, I'm sleeping better, my anxiety is virtually non-existant, my gums have gone down (not completly back to normal but almost) and I'm beginning to be really on touch with what I want in relation to men and knowing when to say no and knowing when to back down so thats fab!!!
Finally figured out why I loved Tom, he wasn't like most guys and he definitly wasn't just after sex, infact he was probabally more mature and smarter than the majority of guys I've dated. Not just that though, Tom really got me, and as in my mind, like when we was playing the game of articulate in dartmoore, me Bradie and Tom was on one team, and then I think it was Emma, James, Alex and Ann-marie on the other team and everytime it was my time to describe Tom got it everytime, Ahhh memories.
Anyhow I'm not even dreading valentines day this year cuz I'm spending it with Rhea, I refussed to sit in my room whilst Bex and Iain get all lovie dovie, blurgh I want to vomit!
Mann I really miss being in love, I mean really in love *moment of fantasising*.
Turns out as long as your surrounded by love ones (in my case my mates) then life is awsome!! Heres to great friendships CHEERS!!
Any hows better finish me homemade plum crumple mmmm yummy, and hot custard and drag ma sorry little arse off to bed, Ally McBeal is waiting for me, and Misty (my teddy bear)!
Night all!
Mucho love and peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
So thats me Dad. I guess me mom isn't too bad we do fight quite alot but it tends to blow over in a couple days. I do feel like I'm always a huge disapointment to her though, like I got 87% on my skin care exam tuesday, and she said well done but I just know if it had of been Becca she probabally would have treated her to a meal or something and just sometimes feel like I try really hard to get some where and she never seems to reconise that, yet if I do something wrong she'll notice within a minute and have a fit at me. I guess its hard for her to realise that sometimes I really struggle to get out of bed so even just going for a swim is a big deal, and trying to take control of my health and mental health, it isn't like I'm not doing anything. I don't think she truly has any idea what a struggle I have to sometimes even leave the house, and the fight I have with the mirror every morning!
Then there's Becca, well I don't know what her problem is, it's like she watches me waiting for me to do something wrong. Its constant. It makes me feel so low, its like when I'm doing something sometimes usually when I'm cooking, she just stops and looks at me and I can feel her eyes on me you know that feeling. Its like shes watching and shes just waiting for me to do something wrong so she can start on me.
She can be such a bitch at times, always bringing up the fact that I don't pay any rent. It makes me want to cry, it isn't like I don't know that mum doesn't want me here, and sometimes I think all this shit isn't worth it, but if I leave I haven't got any where else to go! I saw a boy down London Road today when I was down there buying plums, I'm not sure how old he was as he had a hat on, which is pretty standard for this climiate any how, he was homeless in a sleeping bag, and I wanted to cry, I wish there was something I could have done. I walked up and down about 6 times contimplating talking to him, in the end though I just got on the bus because I didn't think it was a good idea, but if I leave that'll be me, and all my homeless mates have always said to me, Elle never be homeless, you'll end up on the drink and the gear with the matter of 3 weeks its the only way to get through the cold nights, they always said I had too much going for me to end up like that.
So guess I'll just stay for now.
Any how I did say only part of me felt like that.
There's another part of me that really is feeling hope right now.
I saw 2 boys at the old steine about 10pm and they were both eating mini chedders, they must have been between 14 and 17 (I'm a crap judge of age) any how I felt really hopefull seeing boys being their age it was refreshing seeing them eating mini chedders instead of drinking cans of beer/cider and smoking.
Feeling hopeful towards myself too, like my gums swelled up monday and so I rung the dentist and made an appointment for today, but even though thats something really small, its good I'm taking better care of myself. Staying away from guys like "Mr across the Road" and Chris, and guys that genrally I know are bad for me!
It was good to see the homepath tuesday too, I got to tell her everything that was going on, so she's given me a remedy that helps reduce swelling of the gums, helps with low mood/depression, good for helping you sleep and anxiety. I swear she's an angel, I'm still depressed but it has picked up a bit, I'm sleeping better, my anxiety is virtually non-existant, my gums have gone down (not completly back to normal but almost) and I'm beginning to be really on touch with what I want in relation to men and knowing when to say no and knowing when to back down so thats fab!!!
Finally figured out why I loved Tom, he wasn't like most guys and he definitly wasn't just after sex, infact he was probabally more mature and smarter than the majority of guys I've dated. Not just that though, Tom really got me, and as in my mind, like when we was playing the game of articulate in dartmoore, me Bradie and Tom was on one team, and then I think it was Emma, James, Alex and Ann-marie on the other team and everytime it was my time to describe Tom got it everytime, Ahhh memories.
Anyhow I'm not even dreading valentines day this year cuz I'm spending it with Rhea, I refussed to sit in my room whilst Bex and Iain get all lovie dovie, blurgh I want to vomit!
Mann I really miss being in love, I mean really in love *moment of fantasising*.
Turns out as long as your surrounded by love ones (in my case my mates) then life is awsome!! Heres to great friendships CHEERS!!
Any hows better finish me homemade plum crumple mmmm yummy, and hot custard and drag ma sorry little arse off to bed, Ally McBeal is waiting for me, and Misty (my teddy bear)!
Night all!
Mucho love and peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
It's alright, its alright, just as long as we can vote, we live in a democracy, and thats what we promote...
Song by Shakira, I love the way songs get a message across and sometimes when we listen to a song you sing along and you know the words but when you stop singing and really listen to the lyrics and hear the message in the song it can make you begin to question things. Well I love the phyco analyse and lets face it I think everything comes down to money and sex at the end of the day.
Don't miss judge me I do think there is a lot of important things in the world. Just sex and money (especially where men are concerned) are the things I thing growing up in England come down to, I would hate to inpose in other countries, this is purley on reasearch and I do intend to do reasearch else where at some point in the future.
Well any how I have a feeling this may be a long blog.
So for the average person 9 days isn't so long, genrally people just go along doing their business, going to work 5 days a week, studying at uni (although from what I can see there's more drinking involved than studying). Just an observation! Me being me wouldn't like to genralise!!
So any how and mothers looking after their child/children, and there's the lazy unemployed who like to sit on their arse and get pissed (lets not go there just yet). Anyhow you get my drift most peoples lives just continue to run along smoothly, not too much to say over the course of 9 days at least any how!
Well ladies and gents, I am not one of those people and in the life of Princess Elle 9 days and you know I could have quite possibly fallen in and out of love with about 3 people by that amount of time. I'm quite happy to confess this time this isn't the case, however I do have a lot to report back on...
It was Diesels one year death anniversary sunday which i'd been seriously dreading because well death is morbid, heart breaking and sad. So anyhow decided to go for cocktails and light some little angel model candels in memory of him and be around the people I love, (Andrea and David) I do love more people than them but they was the ones that were out that I love... If that makes sense... Any how I began to feel a bit frantic about him because I could feel conversations me and him slipping away from my memory and I feel like I'm running and running to grab them but they're floating away faster and faster and that makes me sad. It also makes me realise that one day I'll have to let go, doesn't mean I'll ever forget him.
Any how for some reason unknown to me, I decided to have a drink (as in alcohol). 1 glass of Sangria ... I think and a glass of red wine with lemonade. I have no idea how but for some reason I felt drunk. Not just a bit drunk, alot drunk... or pissed if you like.. .
So I got home and was feeling abit shit so went over "Mr across the Roads" *very very bad move*! Ever noticed how when you've had a bit to drink things that cross your mind that you would never consider saying or doing sober, seem like a great idea when your drunk after 2 hours of vommiting, banging headache and very little sleep the reality of that so brilliant idea suddenly hits you, sober and hung over and all you can think is fuuccckkk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attempting to sleep with "Mr across the Road" was definitly one of those moments!!
Yes oh the shame of it. It sort of went abit like this... him; laughing after say a couple mins of "doing it" by that I mean having sex! Me; "Do NOT laugh at me whilst your inside me". Him; still laughing, "Can we try this another time.. when your sober" Me; "Urm... lets think about this.... NO get off me idiot" *Elle exits the scene*!
Still at least I know for sure now.
Unfortunatly I did vomit too, for what felt like hours which may have actually been half hour but still if your going to say some thing may as well exaderate abit, makes it more dramatic and I thrive on drama. Ha ha like sitting on the floor of the toilet and urgh it was minging why don't they show that in the movies aye, the reality of not being able to handle your drink = vommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt ewwwwwwww and I tell you what thats not sexy EVER! Any how so I managed to convince myself I was dying and it was horrible. Turns out its true what they say. I am a drama queen...
End of topic one. Lesson learnt; don't drink (no not even one) and certainly do not go round a guys house drunk and act of any ideas that may seem at that moment in time, if you wouldn't do it sober DON'T FUCKING DO IT FULL STOP! thats aimed at me not you...
Any how cute boys drinking at 10.26am to be exact on a monday morning and democracy and tea is going to have to wait. I've got a hole load of ironing to do!
Peace and love to ma trusty followers.................... xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Don't miss judge me I do think there is a lot of important things in the world. Just sex and money (especially where men are concerned) are the things I thing growing up in England come down to, I would hate to inpose in other countries, this is purley on reasearch and I do intend to do reasearch else where at some point in the future.
Well any how I have a feeling this may be a long blog.
So for the average person 9 days isn't so long, genrally people just go along doing their business, going to work 5 days a week, studying at uni (although from what I can see there's more drinking involved than studying). Just an observation! Me being me wouldn't like to genralise!!
So any how and mothers looking after their child/children, and there's the lazy unemployed who like to sit on their arse and get pissed (lets not go there just yet). Anyhow you get my drift most peoples lives just continue to run along smoothly, not too much to say over the course of 9 days at least any how!
Well ladies and gents, I am not one of those people and in the life of Princess Elle 9 days and you know I could have quite possibly fallen in and out of love with about 3 people by that amount of time. I'm quite happy to confess this time this isn't the case, however I do have a lot to report back on...
It was Diesels one year death anniversary sunday which i'd been seriously dreading because well death is morbid, heart breaking and sad. So anyhow decided to go for cocktails and light some little angel model candels in memory of him and be around the people I love, (Andrea and David) I do love more people than them but they was the ones that were out that I love... If that makes sense... Any how I began to feel a bit frantic about him because I could feel conversations me and him slipping away from my memory and I feel like I'm running and running to grab them but they're floating away faster and faster and that makes me sad. It also makes me realise that one day I'll have to let go, doesn't mean I'll ever forget him.
Any how for some reason unknown to me, I decided to have a drink (as in alcohol). 1 glass of Sangria ... I think and a glass of red wine with lemonade. I have no idea how but for some reason I felt drunk. Not just a bit drunk, alot drunk... or pissed if you like.. .
So I got home and was feeling abit shit so went over "Mr across the Roads" *very very bad move*! Ever noticed how when you've had a bit to drink things that cross your mind that you would never consider saying or doing sober, seem like a great idea when your drunk after 2 hours of vommiting, banging headache and very little sleep the reality of that so brilliant idea suddenly hits you, sober and hung over and all you can think is fuuccckkk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attempting to sleep with "Mr across the Road" was definitly one of those moments!!
Yes oh the shame of it. It sort of went abit like this... him; laughing after say a couple mins of "doing it" by that I mean having sex! Me; "Do NOT laugh at me whilst your inside me". Him; still laughing, "Can we try this another time.. when your sober" Me; "Urm... lets think about this.... NO get off me idiot" *Elle exits the scene*!
Still at least I know for sure now.
Unfortunatly I did vomit too, for what felt like hours which may have actually been half hour but still if your going to say some thing may as well exaderate abit, makes it more dramatic and I thrive on drama. Ha ha like sitting on the floor of the toilet and urgh it was minging why don't they show that in the movies aye, the reality of not being able to handle your drink = vommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt ewwwwwwww and I tell you what thats not sexy EVER! Any how so I managed to convince myself I was dying and it was horrible. Turns out its true what they say. I am a drama queen...
End of topic one. Lesson learnt; don't drink (no not even one) and certainly do not go round a guys house drunk and act of any ideas that may seem at that moment in time, if you wouldn't do it sober DON'T FUCKING DO IT FULL STOP! thats aimed at me not you...
Any how cute boys drinking at 10.26am to be exact on a monday morning and democracy and tea is going to have to wait. I've got a hole load of ironing to do!
Peace and love to ma trusty followers.................... xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 16 January 2012
Sorrow found me when I was young, sorrow waited, sorrow won, sorrow they put me on the pill, its in my honey, its in my milk.... I don't want to get o
..ver you.
Thats my song right now by the nationals.
I don't so much as feel numb, I think I don't feel very alive though, need adrenalyn and alcohol and drugs won't do it. Not even self harming, maybe going on a motor bike 150 MPH or getting a tattoo, something that makes me feel alive.
I must be really fucking nieve, got back with Chris Monday because after he said he was leaving I realised that I still wasn't 100% sure what I wanted but I knew I didn't want him to leave! Then I realised I loved him. Will I ever be on the same page as a man? I can't seem to ever get it right.
He dumped me today, through text! 24 his junior and I had the balls to do it in person WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FUCKING MEN, WHY CAN'T YOU GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND DO IT FACE TO FACE AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MEN, WOMAN HAVE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN MEN ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad, or both.
He did it this morning, telling me some bullshit about me only wanting a part time relationship, yet he's the one who moved to Yorkshire!
*sighs*
I'm mystified I really am. You give men space you accuse them of only wanting to have a part time boyfriend. You don't always get to the phone or reply to a text straight away and we're "cheating". Yet you text them alot and want to see them alot and they accuse you of being crazy and needy. Man can I win?
No is the answer here. I don't want to just give up. I sat on the bus this morning and although it was busy I felt miles away, I have "big big world" playing by Emelia, and Bright eyes by whatsaface, song from watershipdown. any how I felt alone, even the woman sitting next to me got up and moved. I was trying so hard to swallow the tears. On the bus to me sisters I managed to distract myself with me book and for the rest of the day.
I then went and saw my mentor and she gave me lots of stuff to do and I was sitting thinking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk this is way too much work to do I thought thats what she was meant to be helping me with, anyhow so I came home and attempted to do it, getting more and more frustrated and then I cried and I kept on crying, I allowed my heart to break, or more to the point I accepted that my heart was broken, and that it is Diesels one year death anniversary and as usual I am running around trying to keep things together and fuck I fell apart, and I'm too ashamed to go to anyone so I just sit there alone with my arms hugging myself crying and its truly horrific that feeling where I swear I can actually feel my heart break!
You know think back to the blog that wrote just after I'd seen the phyciastrist you remember when I said he asked me "are you always terrified when in a relationship that he's going to leave you" do remember I wrote that and I said yes and he read me like a book. I've figured out why I feel like that its because they do. They all fucking leave me! I finally start to let my barriers down and let them in abit and start to feel the lonliness float away and then like a stab in the back they leave me and I'm alone again, like when I was little girl, this isn't a new feeling and if I can't even get my dad to stay then how can I get any man to stay and I want someone to stay and fight even when things get tough and no man ever does and, and is it so hard for someone to love me, am I that much of a unlovable person that someone doesn't want to stay and love me. I just go over and over in my head all the things he said and man after man, they seem to say all the right things but I'm beginning to realise they're just words empty words.
I'm sorry for being so morbid but my optimism has drowned.
Good night one and all, I hope your all safe tonight!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thats my song right now by the nationals.
I don't so much as feel numb, I think I don't feel very alive though, need adrenalyn and alcohol and drugs won't do it. Not even self harming, maybe going on a motor bike 150 MPH or getting a tattoo, something that makes me feel alive.
I must be really fucking nieve, got back with Chris Monday because after he said he was leaving I realised that I still wasn't 100% sure what I wanted but I knew I didn't want him to leave! Then I realised I loved him. Will I ever be on the same page as a man? I can't seem to ever get it right.
He dumped me today, through text! 24 his junior and I had the balls to do it in person WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FUCKING MEN, WHY CAN'T YOU GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND DO IT FACE TO FACE AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MEN, WOMAN HAVE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN MEN ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad, or both.
He did it this morning, telling me some bullshit about me only wanting a part time relationship, yet he's the one who moved to Yorkshire!
*sighs*
I'm mystified I really am. You give men space you accuse them of only wanting to have a part time boyfriend. You don't always get to the phone or reply to a text straight away and we're "cheating". Yet you text them alot and want to see them alot and they accuse you of being crazy and needy. Man can I win?
No is the answer here. I don't want to just give up. I sat on the bus this morning and although it was busy I felt miles away, I have "big big world" playing by Emelia, and Bright eyes by whatsaface, song from watershipdown. any how I felt alone, even the woman sitting next to me got up and moved. I was trying so hard to swallow the tears. On the bus to me sisters I managed to distract myself with me book and for the rest of the day.
I then went and saw my mentor and she gave me lots of stuff to do and I was sitting thinking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk this is way too much work to do I thought thats what she was meant to be helping me with, anyhow so I came home and attempted to do it, getting more and more frustrated and then I cried and I kept on crying, I allowed my heart to break, or more to the point I accepted that my heart was broken, and that it is Diesels one year death anniversary and as usual I am running around trying to keep things together and fuck I fell apart, and I'm too ashamed to go to anyone so I just sit there alone with my arms hugging myself crying and its truly horrific that feeling where I swear I can actually feel my heart break!
You know think back to the blog that wrote just after I'd seen the phyciastrist you remember when I said he asked me "are you always terrified when in a relationship that he's going to leave you" do remember I wrote that and I said yes and he read me like a book. I've figured out why I feel like that its because they do. They all fucking leave me! I finally start to let my barriers down and let them in abit and start to feel the lonliness float away and then like a stab in the back they leave me and I'm alone again, like when I was little girl, this isn't a new feeling and if I can't even get my dad to stay then how can I get any man to stay and I want someone to stay and fight even when things get tough and no man ever does and, and is it so hard for someone to love me, am I that much of a unlovable person that someone doesn't want to stay and love me. I just go over and over in my head all the things he said and man after man, they seem to say all the right things but I'm beginning to realise they're just words empty words.
I'm sorry for being so morbid but my optimism has drowned.
Good night one and all, I hope your all safe tonight!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday, 6 January 2012
Better not look down, if you want to keep on flying. Put the hammer down, keep it full speed ahead. Better not look back or you might wind up crying..
...You can keep it moving if you don't look down.
Oh good old songs from Thelma and Lousie, now thats an oldie, Brad Pitt was 18 in that movie and he must be late 30's now so we're talking maybe 20 years ago... hm I was 2 20 years ago...
So here we are in 2012, the year that (and I know I say this at the beginning of every new year, but this time I really mean it) I swear down I will not fuck it up this time. I sort of feel like 2010 (which was the year I was 21) I went off the rails, slept with far too many pricks and had a nervous break down. 2011 the 1st half of the year was still about learning the hard way, and the 2nd half of 2011 was filling in the cracks and healing from the heart ache and pain and so this is going to be the year I really get back on me feet.
I have to say its sort of been abit of a shakey start, I broke up with Chris on the 2nd, and it was horrific, I wanted to be the big person so I did it in person and I cried for what felt like eternity and then I thought he was going to cry and that made me cry harder. Still I know deep down it was the right thing to do. Neither of us trusted each other and being 47 he's clearly an experienced head fuck, much more than me!!!
After watching Eastenders on new years day kind of made me have some perspective on life and the bigger picture. I sort of had an apiphany in the hour and 10 minutes it was on I cried from start to finish and it got me thinking about money and life. Also after watching series 4 of Secret Diary of a call girl and in the end she's pretty much Belle all the time and she choses her job (which initially is money and lies) over love, and I know I always go on about money being the only thing that lasts in the end because loving turns to leaving everytime but maybe that just means sexual relationships. After we all know sex changes everything. Any how when Pat was on her death bed she was surrounded by her family and her loved ones, and it got me thinking. I've always been adiment I never want children, partly because everyones fucked up and then they have kids and they put all their fucked upness onto their kids and then the children grow up to be fucked up and then we just end up in a world of fucked up people, but then maybe just maybe it doesn't have to be that way.
Yes I've done alot of fucked up things in my time that I ain't proud of but if I hadn't have done them I wouldn't be me, and do you know what after all the bullshit I've heard (from men and woman) I really couldn't give a flying fuck what say some skanky ex boyfriend/shag has to say about me, or what "Mr across the road" or his desperate mate has to say because in all honestly the only peoples opinions that count are the people that truly love me, me mates that will be there through everything, not the people that call themselves your mates yet only talk to you when its convienent for them or when they need something, but people who are genuine and in all honesty who gives a fuck what the rest of them have to say!
I don't hate myself any more, so what if not everything goes to plan, thats just life, and besides sometimes not everything is as you imagined... it's even better!!!
So forget all the ballshit, I don't want to die in a mansion alone and bitter. I want to die in a room full of people that love me even if I never learn to buy. You can't put a price on love!
So lets drink not because we want to get off our faces because of the state of the world but to celabrate the new year and to true friendships and true friendships last a lifetime, to people that are no longer with us due to unforseen circumstances, to being able to accept that its OK to make mistakes because we're all just humans at the end of the day and to my 23rd year coming up and who knows where this year will take me!
Love and peace to you all ...........
CHEERS *CLANKING OF GLASSES BANGING TOGETHER AS WE ALL DRINK TO THE NEW YEAR* WOW 2012 AYE ;-)
Oh good old songs from Thelma and Lousie, now thats an oldie, Brad Pitt was 18 in that movie and he must be late 30's now so we're talking maybe 20 years ago... hm I was 2 20 years ago...
So here we are in 2012, the year that (and I know I say this at the beginning of every new year, but this time I really mean it) I swear down I will not fuck it up this time. I sort of feel like 2010 (which was the year I was 21) I went off the rails, slept with far too many pricks and had a nervous break down. 2011 the 1st half of the year was still about learning the hard way, and the 2nd half of 2011 was filling in the cracks and healing from the heart ache and pain and so this is going to be the year I really get back on me feet.
I have to say its sort of been abit of a shakey start, I broke up with Chris on the 2nd, and it was horrific, I wanted to be the big person so I did it in person and I cried for what felt like eternity and then I thought he was going to cry and that made me cry harder. Still I know deep down it was the right thing to do. Neither of us trusted each other and being 47 he's clearly an experienced head fuck, much more than me!!!
After watching Eastenders on new years day kind of made me have some perspective on life and the bigger picture. I sort of had an apiphany in the hour and 10 minutes it was on I cried from start to finish and it got me thinking about money and life. Also after watching series 4 of Secret Diary of a call girl and in the end she's pretty much Belle all the time and she choses her job (which initially is money and lies) over love, and I know I always go on about money being the only thing that lasts in the end because loving turns to leaving everytime but maybe that just means sexual relationships. After we all know sex changes everything. Any how when Pat was on her death bed she was surrounded by her family and her loved ones, and it got me thinking. I've always been adiment I never want children, partly because everyones fucked up and then they have kids and they put all their fucked upness onto their kids and then the children grow up to be fucked up and then we just end up in a world of fucked up people, but then maybe just maybe it doesn't have to be that way.
Yes I've done alot of fucked up things in my time that I ain't proud of but if I hadn't have done them I wouldn't be me, and do you know what after all the bullshit I've heard (from men and woman) I really couldn't give a flying fuck what say some skanky ex boyfriend/shag has to say about me, or what "Mr across the road" or his desperate mate has to say because in all honestly the only peoples opinions that count are the people that truly love me, me mates that will be there through everything, not the people that call themselves your mates yet only talk to you when its convienent for them or when they need something, but people who are genuine and in all honesty who gives a fuck what the rest of them have to say!
I don't hate myself any more, so what if not everything goes to plan, thats just life, and besides sometimes not everything is as you imagined... it's even better!!!
So forget all the ballshit, I don't want to die in a mansion alone and bitter. I want to die in a room full of people that love me even if I never learn to buy. You can't put a price on love!
So lets drink not because we want to get off our faces because of the state of the world but to celabrate the new year and to true friendships and true friendships last a lifetime, to people that are no longer with us due to unforseen circumstances, to being able to accept that its OK to make mistakes because we're all just humans at the end of the day and to my 23rd year coming up and who knows where this year will take me!
Love and peace to you all ...........
CHEERS *CLANKING OF GLASSES BANGING TOGETHER AS WE ALL DRINK TO THE NEW YEAR* WOW 2012 AYE ;-)
Monday, 26 December 2011
You don't know where we go, you don't know that we're angels with dirty faces in the morning, you don't know we've been on the Town low....
That song totally sums up me child hood... Ok adolecent years, all the times I lied, when danger meant excitment and breaking the rules was my greatest pleasure in life, before I quite understood the meaning of responsability, consequences and had no conscience at all I never used to feel guilty... Well that part may not have changed much, I dunno I occasionly feel guilty, but rarley!
So Boxing day aye, well being the "mug" if you like that I am I got back with Chris for him to break up with me on Christmas day, and they say they ain't scum??? Fuck it, tis his loss right? You know what I ain't even going to think about it! His number is deleted from me phone, texts and phone calls blocked!!!
So I survived Christmas day can you believe its virtually another year over? Starting to panic abit now, times going too fast and I wish I could grab it and prolong it abit. Still I guess if I'm not where I want to be by the age of 30 I'll just keep celebrating me 30th birthday until I am where I want to be at 30... Ok that kind of doesn't make sense.. but then do I ever and does anything ever really make sense anyhow???
So before I go into my little rant on men on politics on critism and how its all bullshit I shall reveal Princess Elle's fabulous presents...
I got a cocktail set with an ice crusher... what do you expect I'm cosmapolitan darling...
I got fake pink eye lashes, pretty standard for a princess, don't you think...
I got a beautiful poem written about me by my darling sister, framed and everything...
The best calender from me other sis, feminists would love this..
shampoo, conditioner and tooth paste in my stocking, cheers santa darling what are you trying to tell me aye...
A candle from me mom, thats a given she tells me off all year for borrowing hers and then buys me one for christmas every year without fail.
6 Barry M nail varish ... as said previously my future hubby ;-), a score, £30 gift voucher for Debenhams from me step Dad, £15 for amazon, a beautiful princess dress from princess Andrea...
I think thats it... did I mention I suffer from memory loss frequently.
one packet of ciggies and 2 bottles of mulled wine and I made it whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!
So critism, and construtive critism, darling its bollocks whether you sugarcoat it or not, its still critism which is basically just way to bully someone in the long run... take raquel sitting infront of me telling me my dress sense is "inappropriate" because there're 14 year old boys in the college ha ha I could teach them a thing or 2! (thats a joke, I ain't a pedaphile, 16+ please). Anyhow ever noticed how its dogs who tell you your ugly or your clothes are too progative, and as said so many times before if boys can't contain their errections because I'm wearing a short skirt or a low cut top that ain't my problem... Any how whether you say some thing like: Love you can't sing get off the fucking stage or : hm maybe singing isn't for you why don't you focus more on your art work. Doesn't matter mate its still critism so cut the bullshit with all this constructive crap and get to the point yeah...
So mini rant over... next.............
MEN/POLITICS... sort of / POWER...
So I may only be 22 but I've been with alot of men and even the men I haven't been with I've had the oppertunity to observe and analyse and I have discoverd that as you know we're living in a fast moving world, well at least we are when it comes to technolagy, there's only a matter of time before they invent a flying car... infact I think that may already be on the horizan, you don't physically need to have sex with a man these days to get knocked up as it were you can just nip down to your local sperm bank (yes yes I know it probabally isn't as simple as popping to sainsburys but in a matter of speaking you know what I mean) so how long before we don't need men at all... Afterall we don't exactly need men for the money anymore or for the healthcare or anything for that matter, there are woman in the Army, woman doctors, and more and more woman are getting into the trade industry, most of us have a basic knowledge of DIY and its on the increase every day. We certainly don't need men to make us come, vibrators will do the job every single time (which is more than I can say for a man) and it will never answer back, it will never try it on when your not in the mood and continue to pester you until in the end you give in because its more hassel than its worth. If it runs out of batteries you can just stick it on charge and it'll always be there, because sex sells and as long as sex sells your always have your orgasm as a matter of speaking anyhow.
These days woman are the mothers and fathers. In my opinion men are dying out, so is it any wonder why they behave the way they do. Woman hold 90% of the power whether as a man you chose to accept this or be in complete denial, but either way it is true! We no longer live in a mans world, this is definitly a womans world whether the stupid cunt David what-so-face says so or not, blow up the house of Parliment, they're all a bunch of ignorent, wankers anyhow, and they can shove their "democracy" up their arse, because clearly the pricks have no idea of the meaning. Here have your say, but we'll do what we want anyhow so up yours, ha ha no mate up yours, Bleeding heck I could teach them a thing or 2 .....
Men are the insecure ones and yes I know what your thinking if its a womans world then how come there are still so little numbers of woman in the house of Parliement... Well the answer is this;
It is a womans world but woman are still learning how much power they actually have and because of what we're told and how we've been brought up for years and its basically all been drummed into our heads ever since we can remember that woman stay at home and bring up the kids whilst the husband goes to work, well look how much that has changed round in the last 10 years, and I think that actually men have managed to convice us for so many years that they're the ones that need to be in control because we're a mess when actually, and correct me if I'm wrong is it not men these days that are still partying hard till they're 40 and taking loads of drugs constantly chopping and changing their minds, blag up the size of their cocks (and then your like hold on... where is it, no really where...) blag up how many women they're slept with (which guarenteed is at least half of what they say) and you've all heard that bull shit line of I'll take you places you've never been before, or I'll show you what sex with a real man is like, and then you sit there and your thinking wow sex with a real man is shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt!!!!!
So I figure that more and more I realising just how much power they have and men, as stupid as they might be, have cottoned onto this and are absolutly terrified understandably, they should be! So this explains it a little bit, woman are the ones that know what they want and nothing is the limit these days and as time goes by we (as in woman) will realise this more and more and tehy will use it, so heres a little bit of advice to you men out there, I would stop telling your lover/ wife/ bit on the side or whoever they've got problems cuz I can assure you mate someones got problems but it deffinitly ain't our gender... I would like to finish with a quote from me new calender (definitly a great start for 2012). As you all know I'm not a great fan of animals even though yes I am a vegetarian but this has to be said...
"Every woman should have four pets in her life: a mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a rabbit in her bed (a rampant) and a Jackass who pays for everything".
Peace out me lovers and followers xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
So Boxing day aye, well being the "mug" if you like that I am I got back with Chris for him to break up with me on Christmas day, and they say they ain't scum??? Fuck it, tis his loss right? You know what I ain't even going to think about it! His number is deleted from me phone, texts and phone calls blocked!!!
So I survived Christmas day can you believe its virtually another year over? Starting to panic abit now, times going too fast and I wish I could grab it and prolong it abit. Still I guess if I'm not where I want to be by the age of 30 I'll just keep celebrating me 30th birthday until I am where I want to be at 30... Ok that kind of doesn't make sense.. but then do I ever and does anything ever really make sense anyhow???
So before I go into my little rant on men on politics on critism and how its all bullshit I shall reveal Princess Elle's fabulous presents...
I got a cocktail set with an ice crusher... what do you expect I'm cosmapolitan darling...
I got fake pink eye lashes, pretty standard for a princess, don't you think...
I got a beautiful poem written about me by my darling sister, framed and everything...
The best calender from me other sis, feminists would love this..
shampoo, conditioner and tooth paste in my stocking, cheers santa darling what are you trying to tell me aye...
A candle from me mom, thats a given she tells me off all year for borrowing hers and then buys me one for christmas every year without fail.
6 Barry M nail varish ... as said previously my future hubby ;-), a score, £30 gift voucher for Debenhams from me step Dad, £15 for amazon, a beautiful princess dress from princess Andrea...
I think thats it... did I mention I suffer from memory loss frequently.
one packet of ciggies and 2 bottles of mulled wine and I made it whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!
So critism, and construtive critism, darling its bollocks whether you sugarcoat it or not, its still critism which is basically just way to bully someone in the long run... take raquel sitting infront of me telling me my dress sense is "inappropriate" because there're 14 year old boys in the college ha ha I could teach them a thing or 2! (thats a joke, I ain't a pedaphile, 16+ please). Anyhow ever noticed how its dogs who tell you your ugly or your clothes are too progative, and as said so many times before if boys can't contain their errections because I'm wearing a short skirt or a low cut top that ain't my problem... Any how whether you say some thing like: Love you can't sing get off the fucking stage or : hm maybe singing isn't for you why don't you focus more on your art work. Doesn't matter mate its still critism so cut the bullshit with all this constructive crap and get to the point yeah...
So mini rant over... next.............
MEN/POLITICS... sort of / POWER...
So I may only be 22 but I've been with alot of men and even the men I haven't been with I've had the oppertunity to observe and analyse and I have discoverd that as you know we're living in a fast moving world, well at least we are when it comes to technolagy, there's only a matter of time before they invent a flying car... infact I think that may already be on the horizan, you don't physically need to have sex with a man these days to get knocked up as it were you can just nip down to your local sperm bank (yes yes I know it probabally isn't as simple as popping to sainsburys but in a matter of speaking you know what I mean) so how long before we don't need men at all... Afterall we don't exactly need men for the money anymore or for the healthcare or anything for that matter, there are woman in the Army, woman doctors, and more and more woman are getting into the trade industry, most of us have a basic knowledge of DIY and its on the increase every day. We certainly don't need men to make us come, vibrators will do the job every single time (which is more than I can say for a man) and it will never answer back, it will never try it on when your not in the mood and continue to pester you until in the end you give in because its more hassel than its worth. If it runs out of batteries you can just stick it on charge and it'll always be there, because sex sells and as long as sex sells your always have your orgasm as a matter of speaking anyhow.
These days woman are the mothers and fathers. In my opinion men are dying out, so is it any wonder why they behave the way they do. Woman hold 90% of the power whether as a man you chose to accept this or be in complete denial, but either way it is true! We no longer live in a mans world, this is definitly a womans world whether the stupid cunt David what-so-face says so or not, blow up the house of Parliment, they're all a bunch of ignorent, wankers anyhow, and they can shove their "democracy" up their arse, because clearly the pricks have no idea of the meaning. Here have your say, but we'll do what we want anyhow so up yours, ha ha no mate up yours, Bleeding heck I could teach them a thing or 2 .....
Men are the insecure ones and yes I know what your thinking if its a womans world then how come there are still so little numbers of woman in the house of Parliement... Well the answer is this;
It is a womans world but woman are still learning how much power they actually have and because of what we're told and how we've been brought up for years and its basically all been drummed into our heads ever since we can remember that woman stay at home and bring up the kids whilst the husband goes to work, well look how much that has changed round in the last 10 years, and I think that actually men have managed to convice us for so many years that they're the ones that need to be in control because we're a mess when actually, and correct me if I'm wrong is it not men these days that are still partying hard till they're 40 and taking loads of drugs constantly chopping and changing their minds, blag up the size of their cocks (and then your like hold on... where is it, no really where...) blag up how many women they're slept with (which guarenteed is at least half of what they say) and you've all heard that bull shit line of I'll take you places you've never been before, or I'll show you what sex with a real man is like, and then you sit there and your thinking wow sex with a real man is shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt!!!!!
So I figure that more and more I realising just how much power they have and men, as stupid as they might be, have cottoned onto this and are absolutly terrified understandably, they should be! So this explains it a little bit, woman are the ones that know what they want and nothing is the limit these days and as time goes by we (as in woman) will realise this more and more and tehy will use it, so heres a little bit of advice to you men out there, I would stop telling your lover/ wife/ bit on the side or whoever they've got problems cuz I can assure you mate someones got problems but it deffinitly ain't our gender... I would like to finish with a quote from me new calender (definitly a great start for 2012). As you all know I'm not a great fan of animals even though yes I am a vegetarian but this has to be said...
"Every woman should have four pets in her life: a mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a rabbit in her bed (a rampant) and a Jackass who pays for everything".
Peace out me lovers and followers xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Love is in the air in the wisper of the tree, love is in the air in the thunder of the sea...
What a lovely song, feeling and thought too. Love is everywhere, and yes, I have fallen head over heels in love, and I tell you what its amazing, but there is a bit of me that is terrified, and thats part of the illness playing apart here, because we've barley been together 5 minutes and it isn't official until Friday anyhow for obvious reasons, but I am so scared of him leaving me! There we have it, from the phyciatrist himself; "Every time your with some one are you terrified of them leaving you". Course I fucking am, just look at the odds, everyone I've ever loved has left me, it may not be a conscience thing right now but its getting there... very slowly.
Now this may make you feel sick (and this is rich coming from a cynic) but he's the 1st man I've actually felt 100% safe with, I don't feel like he's only after sex and I ain't worried that if I say no to something he's going to get angry and go ahead and just rape me, or take it anyhow. He's the 1st man who truly appriciates me. I never have to worry about him driving off and leaving me, stealing from me, raising his hand to me. Its just when I'm with him its like another world. I forget about the shit that has and is happening and its that feeling the warms the bottom of your heart. The more he says the more I fall in love with him. He just makes so much sense, unlike all the ridiculous wankers I've been out with who literally chat shit for hours, everything he says has meaning. He always opens doors for me and he tells me I look nice every day and when he kisses me I just melt, and I just want to cry and laugh at the same time because I'm falling more and more in love with him every minute I spend with him and yet I'm terrified because I can't help sooner or laters he's going to realise I haven't exactly much to offer and he'll leave me. Oh man I love the way that when I talk he really looks into my eyes and listens. You know I've never had that I don't think from anyone.
He's going back to Yorkshire on Friday for 2 weeks and I'm dreading it, I know we still got the phone but it isn't the same.
Then there's that one more thing that makes me worry and that is this fucked up judmental world we live in. I know for a fact that he will get stick for it because of his age, and it does my nut because why should we have to put up with what other people think. I know exactly what people will say. They'll say he's a pervert and only after my body and that I'm nieve, and do you know what maybe a few years ago yes, but I'm not as nieve as people think and it pisses me off that there always seems to be someone that ain't happy with my decision and then my happiness gets jeprodised! Well tell you what not this time! If I want to be with him, then I'll jolly well be with him, I'm almost 23 years old. A grown woman, I don't have to answer to anyone.
Fuck it am so tired need sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peace out
xxxxxxxxxx
Now this may make you feel sick (and this is rich coming from a cynic) but he's the 1st man I've actually felt 100% safe with, I don't feel like he's only after sex and I ain't worried that if I say no to something he's going to get angry and go ahead and just rape me, or take it anyhow. He's the 1st man who truly appriciates me. I never have to worry about him driving off and leaving me, stealing from me, raising his hand to me. Its just when I'm with him its like another world. I forget about the shit that has and is happening and its that feeling the warms the bottom of your heart. The more he says the more I fall in love with him. He just makes so much sense, unlike all the ridiculous wankers I've been out with who literally chat shit for hours, everything he says has meaning. He always opens doors for me and he tells me I look nice every day and when he kisses me I just melt, and I just want to cry and laugh at the same time because I'm falling more and more in love with him every minute I spend with him and yet I'm terrified because I can't help sooner or laters he's going to realise I haven't exactly much to offer and he'll leave me. Oh man I love the way that when I talk he really looks into my eyes and listens. You know I've never had that I don't think from anyone.
He's going back to Yorkshire on Friday for 2 weeks and I'm dreading it, I know we still got the phone but it isn't the same.
Then there's that one more thing that makes me worry and that is this fucked up judmental world we live in. I know for a fact that he will get stick for it because of his age, and it does my nut because why should we have to put up with what other people think. I know exactly what people will say. They'll say he's a pervert and only after my body and that I'm nieve, and do you know what maybe a few years ago yes, but I'm not as nieve as people think and it pisses me off that there always seems to be someone that ain't happy with my decision and then my happiness gets jeprodised! Well tell you what not this time! If I want to be with him, then I'll jolly well be with him, I'm almost 23 years old. A grown woman, I don't have to answer to anyone.
Fuck it am so tired need sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peace out
xxxxxxxxxx
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