Sunday 19th September ARGHHHHHHHH!!

Oh my Fucking God!
I feel like I may just be going crazy!!
Seriously someone please send me to a mental home cuz right now I feel like I'm in serious need of it.
Met Martin for the 1st time today and it was great and then just later it got the more restless and agitated I got. What is wrong with me? I finally meet someone who's generally sorted and who loves and cares a bout me and I just freak out.
As stupid as this may sound I think I had stronger feelings for "Diesel" than I thought, and then I was thinking a bout Jay again and I just tried to sleep with him and I couldn' t.
Well I haven't been like that since that guy that I met in the pub when I was out with John around Christmas time. Its ridiculous with him I knew I was going to take him home even knowing that he virtually had a wife and 2 kids and I just was naked and then I just couldn't do it. I felt like how a bloke probably feels when they're with a really sexy girl and they just go soft, that's how I feel (except like without the whole cock business).
Its weird how the world works sometimes.
All I want more than anything right now is to just move house and get a fucking job and instead I just spend me days chasing boys that are clearly no good for me.
I know that deep down I'm just scared. I crave so much for love and then when I actually get it I run away.
Why are we all so desperate to be loved and so eager to just push it away when we find it?
I feel so confused. Or fucked up or even both arghhhhhhhh!!!
I even went clubbing alone yesterday after feeling ridiculously fed up with sitting in and looking at all the stupid half packed boxes. Can someone come and live my life for a bit for me so I can go into hibernation until I feel sain enough to face the world again.
I've just been doing constant research too and now I'm just so fed up.
I've slept with 7 guys this year and I feel dirty and it's strange it doesn't seem to matter how hard I scrub in the shower or bath I still feel dirty!
I just keep looking a round and seeing all these couples that seem perfect but behind closed doors not all of them are that great. Its easy to act for the public eye, after all I'm a fucking pro at it.
As much as it sometimes kills me to say this out loud or put it pen to paper however happily married or happy couples are there's always a dark secret.
Now when it comes to men they're not really that great at hiding it, its strange how when men come to committing adultery if they don't come home to find all their possessions burnt or cut to shreds and beat black and blue with pots and pans, doesn't mean us ladies don't know. We usually let it slide because revenge is sweet and if you think she doesn't know, I'll tell you now SHE DOES! The difference is woman rule the world and we like to play the game as much as you men, the only difference is when we get revenge we make sure you've got nothing left to live for. Funny though seeing as men continue to cheat. My advice if your a cheating wanker don't ever get married or have kids, it's not worth the pain you'll get until you die!
As for woman, now we ain't stupid we know exactly how to cheat and get away with it.
Either way woman rule the world so we'll always win one way or another so men should really just give up now, but hey ho we all gotta get out kicks from something!!
Just a little tip for the ladies if you've never read the book called "how to kill your husband and get away with it" I suggest you do ASAP.
Any how so I haven't really come to the conclusion of how to sort out this fucked up mess that happens to be my life. So I'll smoke another ciggie, eat some food and sleep on it until there's some sort of light at the end of this tunnel as always till next time have fun and don't do anything that I WOULD so ha ha ha