I honestly don't know where to begin!
I'm in a slump of depression actually. I guess I'm just fed up with men treating me like shit. When will I just meet someone who likes me for me and who's nice to me??
I've been ridiculously busy and me being me doing my usual of avoiding things I have only started packing today and I've run out of fucking brown tape too so that involves me actually leaving the house tomo (oh happy days).
Start my 30 days in 4 days, 30 days without any sexual contact with a man, no sex with a men, no kissing, no flirting, no dating, just nothing accept complete detox. I think this is going to be one of the hardest thing I'll ever have to do but I need a healthy relationship and I want one... hmm in fact I crave one, I'm just completely exhausted.
I keep getting continuous calls from girls that are going out with Ian, or some other little prick and it's beginning to do my head in! Why can't people just leave me the fuck alone, I'm in the middle of moving house I am so God damn stressed!
Any how I've got far too much to do thinking a bout other peoples girlfriends ringing me is the least of my worries.
I'm packing all day tomo it's dull but it has to be done. God I can't fucking wait to move, seriously like it'll be so nice to go out again without feeling insecure, paranoid, vulnerable and scared. Bullies one thing I cannot stand in life. Along with violence and confrontation!
So Wednesday me and Rob are bigging it up in Landan baby and I have to say I am extremely disappointed the fashion industry is having a midlife crises, I was mooching a bout and the clothes all look half finished, seriously I could have made a bin bag look better then some of things on sale.
So there we have it 1st the fashion industry falls a part and slowly whats next?? After all we are in the middle of rescission.
Ok I physically can not keep me eyes open my bed is officially calling me! xx
Thursday, 9 December 2010
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Back home..
So here I am back home from London, in bed half watching the holiday, although it hasn't got to the best bit yet (when Jude Law appears).
London was a bit of a drama but it's over now and it is official my family are nuts.
I'm not particularly happy with my so called sister bex who woke me up at 11.30am and then came down stairs demanding I be ready in 40 minutes.
Banging on the bathroom door whilst I'm trying to wash my fucking hair telling me to hurry up. Then standing over me in the bedroom whilst I'm trying to get ready telling me I've got 20 minutes and then shouting at me for doing my makeup and when eventually I get slightly pissed off and tell her to fuck off she gets a massive hump and tells me to go and throw myself under a bus which isn't exactly very nice considering I only got out of hospital last week for trying to top myself.
All because she needed to see Iain cuz she hadn't seen him for a week.
Fuck sake does my head in it's a week she should count herself lucky it isn't like they're separated by war or something and they hadn't seen each other for years.
Mind you that is Becca for you irrational and controlling! (Especially when it comes to Iain).
Actually she's been doing my head in all weekend shouting at me in Sainsbury's a bout buying inappropriate cereal I swear she still thinks I'm a bout 12 or something!
I've got far more to contribute to this blog but I think I really should get some beauty sleep so I will update you on my fabulous thoughts tomo!!
xx
London was a bit of a drama but it's over now and it is official my family are nuts.
I'm not particularly happy with my so called sister bex who woke me up at 11.30am and then came down stairs demanding I be ready in 40 minutes.
Banging on the bathroom door whilst I'm trying to wash my fucking hair telling me to hurry up. Then standing over me in the bedroom whilst I'm trying to get ready telling me I've got 20 minutes and then shouting at me for doing my makeup and when eventually I get slightly pissed off and tell her to fuck off she gets a massive hump and tells me to go and throw myself under a bus which isn't exactly very nice considering I only got out of hospital last week for trying to top myself.
All because she needed to see Iain cuz she hadn't seen him for a week.
Fuck sake does my head in it's a week she should count herself lucky it isn't like they're separated by war or something and they hadn't seen each other for years.
Mind you that is Becca for you irrational and controlling! (Especially when it comes to Iain).
Actually she's been doing my head in all weekend shouting at me in Sainsbury's a bout buying inappropriate cereal I swear she still thinks I'm a bout 12 or something!
I've got far more to contribute to this blog but I think I really should get some beauty sleep so I will update you on my fabulous thoughts tomo!!
xx
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
When things start looking up...
So you got it little miss grumpy has gone away!
I won't sit here and pretend my life is suddenly fabulous, but it's 12 days today since I've slept with Chris, or anyone for that matter!!
Almost 2 weeks which is seriously good news.
I've had no contact with Chris what so ever and it's amazing how much you can get done when your not chasing boys around.
So here I am at home 2 weeks until I move out of Hove forever. Why does it seem to be going so fucking slowly???
Keeping busy is the key to making time go quicker, and in a bout 40 minutes I will be leaving the house to go and see a movie and dinner with my fabulous friends Natalie and Andrea. It's weird when I was seeing Chris it's like I forgot that there are people out there that genuinely do care a bout me.
Emma's been amazing I don't think I would have got through it without her.
Spoke to dad and Linda and I wouldn't exactly say that our relationship is perfect now but now that everything's out in the open it feels like actually I will start getting better for real this time!
Since I've taken myself out of the situation of Chris it's like I've started thinking clearer again and started to see that how I was living was so unhealthy and destructive. I'm just so grateful to have great mates and fab family because no way would I have got through any of this without them!!
It isn't going to be easy but I will move house and then eventually once I've started to recover from all this trauma I'll be able to get myself back into work and start living again.
I was looking back through facebook and all the photos I'd been tagged in and I used to have such a great life and ever since I met Chris it kind of just faded away, and I turned into this insecure, obsessive, needy woman something I never wanted or thought I would ever be again after past relationships. So turns out I actually have the worst taste in men.
I thought the older you get the better judgment you get of people, turns out with me not the case, in actual fact I think my judgment has decreased.
I wrote a 10 page letter to Gary in prison, Monday night, I really hope he gets it, I'm not exactly sure what I was trying to achieve by that but I've asked him to send me a V.O. I know I haven't seen him since July but we never actually broke up, so technically you could say we're still together, but there's a lot of things that were gone unsaid and I think it's important that I see him and I say what I never had a chance to say and to listen to him and all the things that he never had a chance to say. At least that way I can have a bit of peace of mind.
That's my goal for the future, I guess it's a pretty lose goal to have but one thing I need that I don't think I've ever really had is peace of mind.
I know that life isn't all happy and roses, it's tough but living like how I have been is so far away from what my life could be.
I've got such a big personality and it's wasted in a job like admin, I need to be doing something that's much more suited to my personality!!
I am strong and I can get through this! More to the point I am determined to get through this!
Any how God this is all a bit emotional maybe I should finish off with something light...
OK I have officially decided I'm 100% jealous of Janine and Stacey from Eastenders because both of them get to make out with Ryan and I think I may have actually fallen in love with him, man why do I have to be so damn heterosexual!!
Role on tomo me and Alex are getting the fuck out of Brighton to go cause drama else where, God I'm sad, love it!!
Peace out
love love love
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I won't sit here and pretend my life is suddenly fabulous, but it's 12 days today since I've slept with Chris, or anyone for that matter!!
Almost 2 weeks which is seriously good news.
I've had no contact with Chris what so ever and it's amazing how much you can get done when your not chasing boys around.
So here I am at home 2 weeks until I move out of Hove forever. Why does it seem to be going so fucking slowly???
Keeping busy is the key to making time go quicker, and in a bout 40 minutes I will be leaving the house to go and see a movie and dinner with my fabulous friends Natalie and Andrea. It's weird when I was seeing Chris it's like I forgot that there are people out there that genuinely do care a bout me.
Emma's been amazing I don't think I would have got through it without her.
Spoke to dad and Linda and I wouldn't exactly say that our relationship is perfect now but now that everything's out in the open it feels like actually I will start getting better for real this time!
Since I've taken myself out of the situation of Chris it's like I've started thinking clearer again and started to see that how I was living was so unhealthy and destructive. I'm just so grateful to have great mates and fab family because no way would I have got through any of this without them!!
It isn't going to be easy but I will move house and then eventually once I've started to recover from all this trauma I'll be able to get myself back into work and start living again.
I was looking back through facebook and all the photos I'd been tagged in and I used to have such a great life and ever since I met Chris it kind of just faded away, and I turned into this insecure, obsessive, needy woman something I never wanted or thought I would ever be again after past relationships. So turns out I actually have the worst taste in men.
I thought the older you get the better judgment you get of people, turns out with me not the case, in actual fact I think my judgment has decreased.
I wrote a 10 page letter to Gary in prison, Monday night, I really hope he gets it, I'm not exactly sure what I was trying to achieve by that but I've asked him to send me a V.O. I know I haven't seen him since July but we never actually broke up, so technically you could say we're still together, but there's a lot of things that were gone unsaid and I think it's important that I see him and I say what I never had a chance to say and to listen to him and all the things that he never had a chance to say. At least that way I can have a bit of peace of mind.
That's my goal for the future, I guess it's a pretty lose goal to have but one thing I need that I don't think I've ever really had is peace of mind.
I know that life isn't all happy and roses, it's tough but living like how I have been is so far away from what my life could be.
I've got such a big personality and it's wasted in a job like admin, I need to be doing something that's much more suited to my personality!!
I am strong and I can get through this! More to the point I am determined to get through this!
Any how God this is all a bit emotional maybe I should finish off with something light...
OK I have officially decided I'm 100% jealous of Janine and Stacey from Eastenders because both of them get to make out with Ryan and I think I may have actually fallen in love with him, man why do I have to be so damn heterosexual!!
Role on tomo me and Alex are getting the fuck out of Brighton to go cause drama else where, God I'm sad, love it!!
Peace out
love love love
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Attempting to start over again...
So here I am at me sisters place with my gorgeous little nephew how the fuck could I ever consider killing myself when I've got him!
That's right 2 nights ago I took another overdose, shit loads of different pills and I was admitted to hospital, I threw up a hell of a lot and spent most of the night in and out of conscience. I was alone and I felt alone and it made me think a lot a bout life when I came out.
Life really is too short I need to get the fuck out of Hove. As for going back on the game I just can't do it, my head is so fucked up I think if I go back on it I'll just end up being even more messed up. I feel bad for messing around my agent but I didn't know I would feel like this!
So Chris got a new girlfriend and I guess like I should be mad but actually I'm surprisingly OK about it. Like if I think a bout it's a good thing because now I won't be going back to him. It's not like anything would have ever changed between me and Chris. He would have just carried on treating me like shit and I just would have let him cuz that's what I'm like. He's an alcoholic too and I don't know if he'll ever change, but hey in 2 weeks 5 days I'll never no cuz I'll be gone forever!!
Any how I've decided to throw myself back out there and go on a date. So maybe it will go some where and maybe it won't but at least I'm trying!!
Any how that's all for now!
Peace out
xx
That's right 2 nights ago I took another overdose, shit loads of different pills and I was admitted to hospital, I threw up a hell of a lot and spent most of the night in and out of conscience. I was alone and I felt alone and it made me think a lot a bout life when I came out.
Life really is too short I need to get the fuck out of Hove. As for going back on the game I just can't do it, my head is so fucked up I think if I go back on it I'll just end up being even more messed up. I feel bad for messing around my agent but I didn't know I would feel like this!
So Chris got a new girlfriend and I guess like I should be mad but actually I'm surprisingly OK about it. Like if I think a bout it's a good thing because now I won't be going back to him. It's not like anything would have ever changed between me and Chris. He would have just carried on treating me like shit and I just would have let him cuz that's what I'm like. He's an alcoholic too and I don't know if he'll ever change, but hey in 2 weeks 5 days I'll never no cuz I'll be gone forever!!
Any how I've decided to throw myself back out there and go on a date. So maybe it will go some where and maybe it won't but at least I'm trying!!
Any how that's all for now!
Peace out
xx
Friday, 26 November 2010
Stuck in a rut
I don't even know what to say.
I feel empty and numb. I feel anxious and scared.
I don't want to be alone any more. Yet at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship either!
I feel disorientated I'm not sure if that's from the overdose I took last night or if it's just the feeling of hopelessness either way I feel crap.
I don't think there's any more that I can write really!
Peace and love
xx
I feel empty and numb. I feel anxious and scared.
I don't want to be alone any more. Yet at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship either!
I feel disorientated I'm not sure if that's from the overdose I took last night or if it's just the feeling of hopelessness either way I feel crap.
I don't think there's any more that I can write really!
Peace and love
xx
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
My fabulous fucked up family!
Title says it all really!
Don't you just love the way that families are meant to pull together when things are tough, but hey I've always known my family is totally fucked up!
I mean the older I get the less I see of me cousins and aunties and uncles etc so I guess it's fair enough that they don't really want anything to do with me but as far as immediate family goes the only one that's really actually bothered giving a shit a bout me is my sis (Jax) and even she's decided that I'm trying to guilt trip her into giving me money!
It's so fucking shit I just need that money and then I can finally fuck off and get away from all the shit here in Hove!!
Seriously mum's decided she ain't even going to respond to my texts any more and just delete them when she receives them well fuck that shit, she can forget me spending Christmas with her this year acting like that it's proper pathetic!
Whatever I don't need her any how all I get is told off a bout who I see, what I do and who I sleep with which is my choice!
A bout time she realized that I'm an adult and what I do is my choice.
So fuck it. Sent the letter to dad yesterday, he should receive it tomo.
Can't wait to see his reaction to the whole truth. Oh well a bout time a few truths were told.
It ain't like he's going to have some sort of Epiphany and step up to the mark of being a dad even if doesn't know what to do!
He'll probably disown me, my family seem to be good at doing that when things are tough!!
Oh well it isn't exactly like I'll be missing much if he does!
At least I got me mates, I actually think if it wasn't for my mates I'd be dead by now!
Got slightly addicted to watching sugar rush at the moment, I've watched it excessively over and over, but hey gives me something to do seeing as I'm stuck in Hove because until I get money (which feels like will be never at this rate) I haven't even got a bus ticket so I'm pretty much stuck either indoors or out doors attempting to scav ciggies from passer bys and money to buy food!
Oh happy fucking days. Oh not to mention I've run out of deodorant and I've run out of foundation too so I look like shit permanently!
This is actually making me feel worse, wish I'd never started this. I feel even worse writing it down, just reminds me of how my so called family have once again rejected me, ha is it any surprise I end up with guys like Chris!
Someone do me a fucking favor and just shoot me would ya!!!
Peace out to me mates and as for the rest of u go fuck ya selves! (directed at my so called "family").
Don't you just love the way that families are meant to pull together when things are tough, but hey I've always known my family is totally fucked up!
I mean the older I get the less I see of me cousins and aunties and uncles etc so I guess it's fair enough that they don't really want anything to do with me but as far as immediate family goes the only one that's really actually bothered giving a shit a bout me is my sis (Jax) and even she's decided that I'm trying to guilt trip her into giving me money!
It's so fucking shit I just need that money and then I can finally fuck off and get away from all the shit here in Hove!!
Seriously mum's decided she ain't even going to respond to my texts any more and just delete them when she receives them well fuck that shit, she can forget me spending Christmas with her this year acting like that it's proper pathetic!
Whatever I don't need her any how all I get is told off a bout who I see, what I do and who I sleep with which is my choice!
A bout time she realized that I'm an adult and what I do is my choice.
So fuck it. Sent the letter to dad yesterday, he should receive it tomo.
Can't wait to see his reaction to the whole truth. Oh well a bout time a few truths were told.
It ain't like he's going to have some sort of Epiphany and step up to the mark of being a dad even if doesn't know what to do!
He'll probably disown me, my family seem to be good at doing that when things are tough!!
Oh well it isn't exactly like I'll be missing much if he does!
At least I got me mates, I actually think if it wasn't for my mates I'd be dead by now!
Got slightly addicted to watching sugar rush at the moment, I've watched it excessively over and over, but hey gives me something to do seeing as I'm stuck in Hove because until I get money (which feels like will be never at this rate) I haven't even got a bus ticket so I'm pretty much stuck either indoors or out doors attempting to scav ciggies from passer bys and money to buy food!
Oh happy fucking days. Oh not to mention I've run out of deodorant and I've run out of foundation too so I look like shit permanently!
This is actually making me feel worse, wish I'd never started this. I feel even worse writing it down, just reminds me of how my so called family have once again rejected me, ha is it any surprise I end up with guys like Chris!
Someone do me a fucking favor and just shoot me would ya!!!
Peace out to me mates and as for the rest of u go fuck ya selves! (directed at my so called "family").
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Bring me back
Do you know what I've been so wrapped up in Chris and Ian I've been missing all the great things a round me and things are going to get better.
Yes my head is fucked but I have this sort of feeling that something good will happen, makes a change considering I normally thing the worst out of everything.
I just know that once I move it'll be OK like.
I'll be away from Chris and Ian and all of their lot and no one (except me mates) will know where I live and I've changed me number now too!
I've got less than 4 weeks less now till I can move (thank fuck).
Time will go quick, I was thinking the other day back to the 1st time I met Chris and honestly I can't remember hmmm let me look it up!!
August I can't put my finger on a specific date but roughly the middle of August which means I've known him a bout 3 months, Wow it feels like a lot longer, maybe that's cuz I'm unemployed and so much shit has happened!
Fuck it less than 4 weeks now and I'm gone and then I can finally start getting me life back on track!!
I'm watching Sugar Rush at the moment lol! What a life. Seriously right Kim has an obsession with Sugar her best mate, her mum's a alcoholic slag and her dad well he's just a right goody two shoes.
Fucking hell my specialty fucked up families and fucked up relationships!
Becca managed to sort it out and get with Ian, Jax managed to sort it out and get with Nick, so I have a chance and every time I walk away from Chris I get that little bit stronger and every day I become a little bit more aware (exception of yesterday when I had a drink)! Stupid I know but I'm not slipping back into my old ways and I am going to get stronger.
One step at a time!
I can't function at the moment.
I'll write soon when I know a little bit more ....
Yes my head is fucked but I have this sort of feeling that something good will happen, makes a change considering I normally thing the worst out of everything.
I just know that once I move it'll be OK like.
I'll be away from Chris and Ian and all of their lot and no one (except me mates) will know where I live and I've changed me number now too!
I've got less than 4 weeks less now till I can move (thank fuck).
Time will go quick, I was thinking the other day back to the 1st time I met Chris and honestly I can't remember hmmm let me look it up!!
August I can't put my finger on a specific date but roughly the middle of August which means I've known him a bout 3 months, Wow it feels like a lot longer, maybe that's cuz I'm unemployed and so much shit has happened!
Fuck it less than 4 weeks now and I'm gone and then I can finally start getting me life back on track!!
I'm watching Sugar Rush at the moment lol! What a life. Seriously right Kim has an obsession with Sugar her best mate, her mum's a alcoholic slag and her dad well he's just a right goody two shoes.
Fucking hell my specialty fucked up families and fucked up relationships!
Becca managed to sort it out and get with Ian, Jax managed to sort it out and get with Nick, so I have a chance and every time I walk away from Chris I get that little bit stronger and every day I become a little bit more aware (exception of yesterday when I had a drink)! Stupid I know but I'm not slipping back into my old ways and I am going to get stronger.
One step at a time!
I can't function at the moment.
I'll write soon when I know a little bit more ....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
