Dear Jesus I know I haven't always been a good girl but I'm begging you for forgivness, please send some luck my way...

I'm mortified that its been 21 days since I last wrote. Exscuse the title not everything is bad but why is it when it comes to men I am just so totally fucked up!?
A couple of weeks ago I sat at home contimplating suicide, so I cut up my arms and then decided enough was enough, so I packed a suit case and I left, I got on a train and went to London, I met up with this guy Matt who was a total weirdo (and also apparently one of Lukes mates). He was really discusting and so me being me fell off the wagon i.e got very drunk. Some how ended up in bed with Matt's brother Luke (no not my ex Luke). any how we didn't have sex, although we could have done if you know what I mean.
I ended up going to my Luke's the next night and staying at his and then he wouldn't sleep with me so I guess I had to once and for all accept that it was over for good. So I left and then we was still talking on the phone for a bit till I decided as long as I keep talking to him on the phone I'll never truly get over him. So I deleted his number and that was that finito.
Started going on dates with other guys which were all 99.9% disasterious James is not particuarly cool, he wanted to have sex in an ally me being me got all frigid and freaked out so apparently now I'm a "cock tease". Wow ain't been called that since I was 15. (this is not cool, but after being in sex therapy I can't just sleep around any more).
So then there was Andy- jesus he tried to snog me and I didn't really fancy him in the slightest so that was him gone.
Then there was Adam, nice guy, didn't really fancy him and has far too many issues.
Then there was Nathan, now where do I begin with Nathan, extremly good looking, the most arrogent prick I may have met so far. Got the hump cuz I wouldn't sleep with him and he wasn't particuarly that nice either so that was him crossed off too.
Went out for the Royal Wedding that was fabulous and I had lots of fun, however it all kicked of last night at Iain (bex boyfriends birthday party). Alcohol is the enemy.
I was dressed up to the nines in a massive ball gown and heels and curly hair and a tiara and I have to say I did look the business.
So Ben was there (Iain's bro) we sort of had a bit of a thing about 18 months ago, it didn't end well and I was slightly apprehensive about seeing him again. He blanked me for the 1st few hours then of course when the alcohol kicked in flirted with me outragously.
So then we all go off to the club (well the majority of us any how, Becca, Iain, Jacqui and Nick didn't come).
I ended up having a massive strop because obviously Ben wouldn't get with me because Becca and Iain are together and so apparenlty it would be too weird.
According to him I'm pretty and a nice girl, but I'm totally nuts and thats why he wouldn't get with me for fuck sake if one more guy tells me I'm fucking pretty I will go mad, it isn't about fucking looks. Oh you wait it gets better ... it always does with me....
Luke only fucking texts me for fuck sake why can't he just let me get on with my life God damn it!!
Then by the end I was so pissed off I was in need of fags so I walked off with no money and I walked all the way back from Brighton, to mums in 4 inch stileto heels and a ball gown at 3.30am, got into bed about 5am me no happy bunny. (for those of you who don't know my mum lives up in Hollingbury near asda).
My feet aree virtually bleeding, everything aches I maybe getting a cold and once again I'm conimplating suicide so sorry for this very depressing blog but I always speak the truth ... (majority of the time anyhow).

Love love love my lovely followers.
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Whats a girls to do ...

I have to say I'm feeling pretty shitty! In fact I think that's probabally an understatment, I hate that I have thoughts of maybe I would be better off dead. All I seem to do is make a cock up of everything I do. I feel so fucking alone right now. It's mental cuz as I walk around Town there are people every where but not one of them gets me and I long to be with some one who really gets me and I keep wondering if I'll ever meet some one who really feels that emptiness that lives in me. When I'm in the house on my own at night I just sometimes (well most of the time these days) I wrap myself in my duvet and wrap my arms around myself and cry, you know that sort of crying that makes your stomache like an ache, like a starvation pain, except your not starving for pain. Your starving for love and that is so much harder than just being hungary. I sit and pray that some one will come accept no one ever does and then I cry harder you know when you cry so much you feel like you could be sick or something. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to report, I wish I did but I don't feel optimistc at all at the moment, but you know I'm going to try and hang in there. Love me followers xxxxxxxx

Living on a sinking ship

God I feel like total shit, my throat hurts and I'm probablly getting a cold and I've got like PMT from hell. I sort of feel like no one really gets me right now and it's shit. I broke up with Mike and it's just like it was my decision and I just feel a bit shit cuz I feel like everyone feels I didn't give it a chance but it's not like that. There wasn't just one thing and I think a lot of it is my stuff over his, but I accept that and it pisses me off the way like people always seem to presume your in a relationship or you want to be in one. It's like with me I don't feel like I never want to have a boyfriend again but I don't want one right now. It isn't that I don't want to be close to some one and all the things that are great that come with being in a relationship, but with the sweet comes the sour! So why did I break up with Mike? I ain't going to beat around the bush here I'm just going to come out with it. I felt like the relationship went far too quickly and that kind of thing scares the shit out of me. Meeting his parents after say 3 days it's too quick so that was one thing. Another was that I didn't really feel like we had much fun, it was always like serious shit and I can't deal with serious all the time. He didn't exactly have the most highest sex drive and for some reason in that area it felt odd. Then the problem of him being insecure and telling me I could do better than him, it was a total turn off and then the lack of emotion, I can't be with someone who doesn't express emotion, it just drives me mad and reminds me of dad, and we all know on here that as soon as a boyfriend reminds me of my dad its well and truly over! God why do I feel like a total bitch? Fuck it I'm not going to just keep doi ng things to make other people happy this is a bout me and I'm fed up with always trying to please everyone else. I'm completly restimulated from drinking and I just feel like I don't feel like any one gets where I'm fucking coming from and I just feel so frustrated, not only with people but with myself and I wish I could scream. I feel like I'm on this ship and it's just sinking as the world gets more and more in a state and it's just shit. I'm meant to being doing my C.V right now but I'm so fucking annoyed I can't even think a bout doing it today. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SHUT FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGGGG UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I'm at mums and Bex is walking around singing and keeps walking in and out of the fuckign kitchen and it's really begginging to do my fucking head in because I am trying to concentrate and I've got PMT and I swear she's doing it to annoy me. Fuck sake I need a bleeding fag. Sorry to sound so fukcing hopeless right now but thats how I feel and it's shit Much loving followers xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

slow down...

So me and Mike are together now, yes he is my boyfriend and I'm so lucky because he is a totally lush guy. I met his parents yesterday (always something I totally freak out a bout). Partly bacause I normally end up saying the wrong thing, although I was suprisingly OK because I didn't say any thing bad (I don't think) I even kept my language to a minumum and lets face it if any one swears too much it's deffinitly me! Any how so I've been going out and hardcoreing it way too much and beggining to feel just slightly nakard so I intend to have an early one tonight. I guess I really need to actually be getting a job too, it might be a bright idea to do so! Any how good news on RC front because I am now going to the working class work shop on friday so that'll be good, give me a bit of time to get my head together. I suppose I have been feeling a bit weird latley. I guess me and Luke didn't broke up that long ago and yes we are still mates and I can't deny that Lukes suddenly not going to be in my life any more because he is in my life and I'm questioning this, is this fucked up? Or is that just me? I've spent the last 3 years of my life worrying a bout getting old and not having enough time to do things and for the 1st time I think to myself actually I am young and I have got my whole life ahead of me. Fuck it woman have kids at 40 these days. I've got 18 years till then, besides I'm not even sure if I even want any little shits yet. So Dad is officially a twat, but hey hold on didn't I already know that? Linda rung me and I didn't answer because I was still pissed that Dad hadn't returned my call from when I left him a message at work. Any how she left me a voicemail and I did ring back Saturday and apparently Dad was in the garden cough cough bullshit! He was meant to ring me back but that was 2 days ago and so I won't hold my breath. WOOP WOOP might be getting my tattoo this wednesday, and if not this wednesday it'll be the wednesday after oh yeah rock on!! Seriously I've been waiting for fucking long for this tattoo it's like not even funny. Nan has to see it. Changed my mind a bout the butterfly though. I am still going to get it but I've decided to get the Ivy (for nan) and the little flowers too and then when she dies I'll get the butterfly because then it's sort of like a symbol of her flying off into the sunset type thing, but she's not dead yet so it seems slightly inappropriate!! Any how not too much drama at the moment. Don't worry a bout that though this is me we're talking a bout give me a few weeks and I will entertain you with my naughty shinanigans ;-) love to all my followers xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow the sun is shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiing

I'm sorry I'm so lame with updating these days, it's hard to get access to a computer these days. Can you believe I'm actually in an internet cafe. 70p for half hour that's pretty good.
So lets see whats going on in the life of princess Elle..............
Well I'm in a bit of a predicament at the moment because I'm still in love with Luke which I'm beginning to think I should really get over!
I haven't had sex in 2 weeks and one day. Well is that a good thing or a bad thing? I guess it depends on which way you look at it!
I met this guy Danny, who is a total prick (although I did meet him in oceana so that sort of explains it). Any how I don't think they get much more arrogant than Danny. He even got his fucking arse out. Please tell me am I missing something why do guys do this? It's like I don't go round getting my arse out (although some how I recon guys would some how not complain if woman did that). Any how he clearly loved himself and wanted to get into my knickers (which it pained me to decline NOT)!! Any how so now he's got a bruised ego and fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk my times running out.
OK fuck it. This will be continued promise....


Love love love
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Sorry a bout that ladies and gents, I'm now at Paulies with Emz and Mike and I've temporarily taken over the computer so that I can update you all my lovely followers. So any how I got rid of Danny cuz he was a complete waste of time so got rid of him. Then his mate Marco who had been chatting up the lovely Emma all night decided to try and get with me after wards. well let me tell you about Marco he's been to prison twice and as much as I think he's quite sweet. I think there's something going on there especially when I saw him in Town with another blond girl yesterday so fuck him.
I met Mike and Paulie at the bus stop last Friday night and so here we are at Paulie's flat.
I'm still in love with Luke but I think I need to accept that it's over so maybe moving on is now a good idea.
Any how i am aware that I am being completely rude so I should probably go and see where the night takes us....

Lots of love my secret followers xxxxxxx

Feeling like death

So here it is day 2 of being "dumped", I hate that word but which ever way you look at it or how ever you say it, it still means the say thing so why try and sugar coat it.
Part of me feels numb, part of me feels angry and I don't know whether I want to scream or cry, but I know I am so fucking fed up with crying I just don't want to think any more.

It's a shame there isn't a degree in falling for MR Wrong really cuz if there was I'd be guarenteed to get 110%.
Part of me just wants to go and sleep with some one else to get L%*e out of my head. I think that is probabally a possability of getting over him, or maybe just go on the pull big time and meet someone else and then I can just forget all a bout him.
It's fucked up that I want to call him, yet I know it'll just make the whole thing worse in the long run! Even though it's tough, and it is really tough, I've deleted all the texts I had from him, deleted his number from my phone and call register. I've changed my profile picture on fb too. It's too painful to be a round things.
I haven't quite brought myself to delete his voicemails yet, and I will because I know it won't help to keep listening to them but I'm not ready to do that just yet, I'm not ready to destroy all the evidence of the relationship we had together. I will in time because it hurts and it'll make it worse.
I feel like a twat for planning so much together. We lasted just over a month. Whats wrong with me why do I have to keep dating shits!? I've been dating since I was 14 that's 8 years of dating shit men, I'm exausted when is it going to stop!?
Maybe it's really time to take a good long break from men for a while. All they ever end up doing in the end is making you feel shitty any how so whats the point!?
Any how I can't write any more cuz I think I might be going schitzos

Love to you all. My fabulous followers!!
xxx

Lovin' turns to leavin' everytime

Well at least I'm the one that goes round saying that all the time and now it has!
Yes me and the guy that I thought I could potentially marry and have babies with broke up with me today!
How do I feel? Utter shit, still really raw too but I guess it is sinking in a little bit more each hour, however doesn't mean it hurts any less! I've cried for what feels like a million years and yet I still feel like there's more to come. I'll wait till I'm in bed though before I cry again.
I wanted everything to be so fucking fabulous and I tried my best I really did, I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend. I didn't even look at other guys when me and Luke was together that's how comitted I was, but fuck it, committment means fuck all these days!
Am I angry and bitter? Well a little I suppose but mainly just heart broken. I wish the pain would stop but it isn't and even though it's hard to think like this right now it's just like the song by Girls alloud goes; "My heart is broken and bleeding, but it's beating". That's what I got to remember and like I always say OK right now I'll probabally go on my usual "I hate all men" and all men are "wankers" phase like I always do after a break up and then slowly second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, I'll heal and I'll meet someone and this failed relationship will just be a distant memory just like all the rest.
It feels pretty hopeless at the moment but as they say time is a healer!

I won't ever rule out that I won't love again. cuz I'd rather fall than never to have loved at all! I've got a lot of love to give and I like to think I'm a loving person and that I've got a lot to give, whether that is peoples opinions on me or not.

On the plus side I did get a cool new hat, and gloves from L@%e in Camden Market!

Any how Sorry if this post is depressing, just trying to be honest.

Love to you all!!
xxx