Wednesday, 28 September 2011

... So thanks for making me fighter...

Yeah yeah we all know the song... Fighter by Christina Aguilera... If you haven't you must be very strange...

So its been a couple weeks now and your probabally wondering whats been going on so I'm going to be incredably optimistic here just to piss you all off .. (kidding). Optimism doesn't run through my blood too often so when it does I feel the need to express it. Call me arrogent all you like but I've been through hell and back so feeling a little bit hopeful is something I would like to big up as much as possible whilst it lasts. I may be a tad bitchy too, but a little bit of bitchiness is definitly necessery!

So I have been a "busy bee" as Paul (me mate up London) likes to call me (no I'm not shagging him)! Member I'm an ex hooker!

I finally finished knitting my phone case its fabulous! (laugh all you like) least I got something to show for my time besides a hangover and a hole in my purse!
I finally got "Mr across the Rd" who I still call to this day because he still hasn't told me what he wants me to call him, so for now we'll stick with "Mr across the Rd".
Yeah so you know that sort of feeling when you obsess over someone for a really long time because you ain't got the balls to actually go and talk to them and you fantasise and day dream about them like all the time, and you sort of end up creating exactly that A FANTASY! Doesn't exist darlings. He's one of the biggest pricks I've met so far (admitidly I'll give him that he's a good kisser) only because I'm about to knock his "pride." (as we all know "pride" to man means his cock). Please am I being ignorant here but will someone please tell me what men mean when they say they have a cock? Because the last ... every man infact thats told me they've got a big cock (and this is me guessing about 8 inches +) ... of course unless 3 inches is the average these days in which case then wow 5 is huge...
Seriously though when are guys going to realise I couldn't give a flying fuck in hell how big their cock is, I'm not dating their cock I want to date their mind. In actualfact I hate big cocks anyhow. I mean for crying out loud us girls don't go round shouting about how big are flipping vaginas are... I mean you'd think...
Also may I just add if any man (the type that would brag about the size of cock, cuz this isn't all men, this is a type of man). who actually had any idea of how to please a woman should know that the G-spot is roughly 2.5 inches up into the vagina on the front wall and therefore an 8 inch cock is just a waste of blood and the clits best stimulated with the tounge.
If one more guy mentions about how he's going to "ruin" me during sex, do yourself a favour and don't bother, full of shit mate!
So "Mr across the road" was a bit of a disapointment, but hey I completed the challenge, 3 months without sex so finally i can get my last and final test HALLILUIA!
So I am now at college woop woop its amazing, my self esteem I feel has already imensley improved in just over the 3 days I've been attending. I've bonded well with a few of the girls and guys they're all really supportive and unjudgmental which is a huge relief!
Started my beauty course too, its very intense but you know what I'm going to stick with it and tudy really hard, jesus I've waited long enough.
So any of my trusty followers fancy free facials etc whilst I do each module inbox me on fb and we can work something out ;-)
Ooooooooh was in me show too on sunday was shattered but was all good shit, check out pics on the link.

On that note I may actually fall sleep typing so shall being going to the land of nod however shall try to be less lame and update more often!

Mucho lovos darlin'g reliable followers
I have much care for you


Sunday, 11 September 2011

Ain' that just the way life goes down, down, down, down, moving way too fast or much too slow

Thats sort of how I am ya know, I'm either rushing about on a manic high, or slumping around and doing everything thing really slow.
Man my life sucks!!
I wish good things last but they don't!
The majority of my problems revolve around money and men!
I live off virtually nothing and now the buses have gone up from £55 to £62 thats £7! This is a fucking joke, I swear I don't even know what I'm paying for, to stand around in the cold for near enough at least half hour everytime I wait for a bus. I'm on the serious case to complain to a lot of authority people right now, God fucking damn it!
I can't even aford to buy the material to make peoples christmas presents this year!
I'm in desperate need of one of those light boxes for SAD cuz autumns only just started and already I'm suffereing from severe lack of vitimin D but unfortunatly they cost between £50-£100!
Why does everything cost so much fucking money! It's a joke.
So I think I'm down to my last straw after attempting to ask people to you know maybe ... give me £50 so I can buy all my bits to make everyone christmas prezzies and being rejected I conclude I have two options left the 1st being
commit suicide (and I'm really sorry if you read this and think a) I'm being a drama queen/attention seeker, b) thats a really selfish thing to put up for people to read). However my argument is this is my blog and I don't sugar coat things and I write the truth of how I feel and as I always say, you are reading it at your own risk!
and how the other option is becoming a theif... Ok lets say "borrowing" theif doesn't sound too good. So I like borrow things from say Tescos for example (come on it isn't like they can't afford it). I just happen to forget to return it!
Although relistically neither of those options are a good idea really are they.
So here I am stuck back at square one, misurable, depressed and skint, without ciggerettes, alcohol or sex! Fabulous! I mean what was so bad about being a chain smoker, an alcoholic and the best sex life in Brighton, fuck getting called a whore it solved my money problems. If I was having sex I wasn't sitting round depressed about money and thinking about where the next meals going to come from! I feel as though I may fall off the wagon soon with the booze, yay or nay?

So I saw Barney today, you all know Barney right? Some prick that stole my virginity ... actually I gave it up pretty williningly to be fair to him. But I was maybe not in love with him but besotted with him! He's still as gawjuss as ever, fuck him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth tanned skin ugh I officially hate him for still being able to make me catch me breath 6 years down the line! His now fiance of 5 years is really not very attractive and overweight, can I just say at this point I am not delibratly a bitch, but he broke my fucking heart and so why could he be with her not me? I know I'm not exactly little miss stunning but I thought I'd grown into my looks (or maybe I've just grown out of them, God knows). Any how so if it isn't my looks then it must be my personality and I kind of think thats worse! I know i'm mentally ill, but would it be really bad if I started stalking him in attempt to win him back... I know where he lives!
This stalking business is getting a little out of hand me thinks. I mean I stalked him for a year before I even had the bleeding balls to ask for his number and I think I need to seriously give up stalking "mr across the Rd". Oh jesus and then I started stalking this new guy Wakan- I have no idea jhow to pronounce this, he's 22, born in Pakestan but living in london and thinking of moving to Brighton (round the corner from me mums-conveniently) has a car too (although its green, not good). Whatever he's an idiot because he took my digits and hasn't rung or added me on fb! (yes he did ask me for me fb name)! I really hate guys taking me number, I'd much rather take there's cuz as you all know I'm a total control freak and I like to be able to contact them if I want or keep them hanging on if I want, but now he has all the control and I have none GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck it I refuse to get silly over boys- I AM NOT 15 ANYMORE!

Jesus I'm really struggling with the whole Diesel situation, everytime I kind of think I'm OK with it something reminds me of something he said or did or wore or whatever and it all comes rushing back!
For fuck sake when will I be at ease with his suicide!
Not a good subject to bring up at night thats me having night mares all night BRILLIANT! Although it is September 11th so I guess it would be inevatable anyhow.
OK thats it I'm going to job centre tomo to demand they give me more money CUNTS blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm sure theres more to write, like Terrys a prick, and my dads a wanker, but hey guess you already knew that if you are a regular follower!

I'm going to go pass out I'm beyond tired need sleepppppppppppppppppppppp

Peace out lovers

love , love , love

Sunday, 4 September 2011

If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with ma friends, make it last forever friendship never ends ...

Oh my Goshie the spice gals rawwwwwwwwwwwwwk!!!
I'm not doing a very good job at my updates am I recently, terrible. I do apoligise, I've been ridiculosly busy!
So current mood, would be somewhere between frustrated and annoyed! I am frustrated because I have recently developed a crush for "mr across the road" and my Goshie he is hottie ;-) infact we actually had our first conversation the other day he called across the road "you alright" and I was like "yeah am fine thanks you"? and he was like "yeah all good"! This is a big step for me. Although after going out with the girls today (Andrea, Dani and Kate) I've made the decision to leave my number that I give to boys (as in not the number I use for long term people ie mates and family) and leave it on his windscreen wiper of his car. Accept there is one tiny problem... actually a great big fucking fat juicy one! He's not in... well at least his cars not there and his bedroom light isn't on and there's no chance he would be asleep now! I've been watching the house since 8pm! (Oh jesus I'm begining to sound like a bit of a phyco).
Look he lives oppisite OK I am NOT stalking ... I promise... Ok maybe just a little.. heehee.
Anyhow back to the point thats why I'm frustrated. I thought if I just leave my number and a kiss that way if he rings I can't answer cuz my other phone only works for texting and he'll just get o2 voicemail, as opposed to my increadably embarassing one about being a fucking princess (even though, lets face it I am... a princess that is) (not a fucking one.. I'm celibate STILL and jesus don't I just know it)!!! anyhow going off on abit of a tangent as always so I was going to wait for him to text me and ask if he's single and if he says no I won't text him again and he'll never even no it was me mwahahahahahaha! This would all be a hell of a lot simpler if I knew his fucking name, I could find him on fb. Or I dunno if I knew one of his mates names I could find him through that arghhhhhhhhhh!! So anyhows gotta do it the hard way...

I'm annoyed because my dad is an official wanker! Guess I sort of knew that anyhow. 3 months he ain't rung me and so I started thinking probabaly should get in touch, coming up for christmas and all that and my step mums obviously pissed off with me cuz she passed me straight over to my dad. Not sure what I'm meant to have done but hey she does like to hold grudges even worse than me... although it would be nice if I knew what I had done wrong. I know I ain't rung in a while but jesus they never rung me neither and I was the one that was homeless!
Anyhows so my dad clearly reluctently talked to me and I kind of wish I hadn't bothered... I won't in future, Jesus its really not worth the hassel just for about £30 worth of christmas presents. I don't have to prove nout to him, or her for that matter or anyone. Anyways so told me dad about college and stuff and all the things I'd been doing but got fuck all support and enthusiasm and now I remember why I stopped ringing in the 1st place. Fuck it, would have been so much easier if he just left when I was 4 and that was it, he's mad e it so much worse coming in and out of my life for 18 years, I wish I never knew him, it would have made it easier, I could have hated him that way. Instead I just resent him, I don't know whats worse!
Men aye MEH!

Rant over. There is a little bit more shit stuff and then I fill you with the good news... Well I had my wanking wisdom tooth number 2 out and I was completly off my face it was quite amusing.. until it wore off and I was in agony, never the less I'm gradually healing..
My sister (becca) can really be like the nasiset bitch ever sometimes, although she's away until tomo so making the most of lack of bossiness and the TV not being dominated, or the fact that she goes out of her way to get in the shower before me when she knows I've got to be somewhere by a ceratin time.
Emma (as in my supposed best mate) decided that I am a bitch because apparently I never support her even though it was always me going to see her and she always cancelled on me so not sure how I was meant to support her but anyhow its been weeks now, so she'll probabaly just go get married and have a bunch of kids but whatever her life not mine!

So on the plus side, I don't have any STD's so now just have one last HIV test left to have in a couple weeks and I'm all clear!
I haven't had a ciggerette or an alcoholic drink for months, and I am also still celibate...
I got onto my beauty therapy course at Lewes college, I got onto the princes Trsut team programme, I've taken up knitting, I'm still doing me voluntry work at Newhaven Fort, I've joined a drama group too :-D.
All optimistic things..
And I've joined a bi polar support group (1st thursday of every month). Its so good to not feel alone with me illness any more. Get this too I finally after 9 years have an appointment with a consultant phyciatrist HALLILULA!!!!!!
I finally might get a real diagnosis.
Good shit and I went to Princess Andrea's Oasis party friday night and won £50 gift vouchers to spend at Oasis wooop wooop :D and the lovley Dani gave me her free gift which was this totally wicked bracelet.
Man I love me mates!

xx mwah xx

Now heading off to write my christmas list so I can send it to Santa, mmm santa I've been a very good gal this year ;-) oh and got serious boy stalking to do!

Peace out me faithful followers!

love love love