Monday, 31 October 2011
She takes just like a woman, yes she does, she makes love just like a woman, and she aches just like a woman, but she breaks just a little girl...
So today, was the big day ... I finally got to see the Consultant phyciatrist (which for those of you who don't know is the top phyciatrist there is). Any how most of you already know I've been waiting for 9 years for this appointment (since I was 13). As you can imagine my stomach was in knots and I was terrified of lierally falling to bits in the consultants room (I was close, but I managed to hold myself together).
So I'd already done lots of work with my support worker Emily who works for the mental health charity Mind and I'd written everything that has happened my life and on a whole how I am and what the problem was.
He was really great, out of all the people I've seen it was like just such a relief to finally get a diagnosis and to hear from someone who has seen cases like mine for years to be able to tell me that I'm not alone and even though sometimes I just don't want to be here and I just want to die because the idea of being like "this" forever makes me feel so exausted.
He read me like a book, he just seemed to be completly get inside my head and its like he could just see. I guess the fact that he had notes on me since I was about 14 helped (Man he was good the amount of information he'd obtained, even I was impressed).
So I suppose your wondering what my diagnosis is.. it's called "Emotional unstable personality disorder/difficulties" AKA "Borderline Personality disorder". I.e I'm an emotional unstable wreck lol... no that was just a bit of humour thrown in to make it a bit lighter...
So where do I go from here...
This is the fun part. First things 1st, he's referring me to see a mental health nurse (which unfortunatly could take up to a couple months). She will see me and ask lots of questions and do this thing they call "sign posting" which basically means she'll investigate it and then I suspect will get treatment from a phycotherapist. However whilst I'm waiting I can read a bout "borderline personality disorder" on the "Mind" website, he's given me another website which looks individually at problems that have ocoured throughout my life, ie abuse, berevment, sleeping problems, drinking problems etc and it has quotes from other sufferers and what we can do to help ourselves. Finally there's a book called "I hate you- don't leave me"! And there we have it, that sums it up nicely. That title alone was just like wham!
A direct quote from the Phyciatrist "when your in a relationship are you always worried their going to leave you"? He cracked it! That wall I spent the last 10 years building around myself and making it so solid is tumbelling down and it has to!
Dad left when I was 4 and all this subconcious bullshit. Every relationship I've been in or even one night stand I've been completley mental. I've told so many lies I don't even want to admit it but whats the point of pretending any more. I've told guys I'm pregnant before over and over, I've slashed my wrists up, taken overdoses, I've stayed and taken so much shit from guys and been walked all over just because I think if I do then maybe they'll stay, maybe they won't leave me alone.
That horrible feeling of neglect and lonliness and terror. I can;t even begin to try to explain how that feels!
Wheres me dad now? He doesn't even know I had an appointment with the phyciatrist, its been almost 3 months and no phone call, letter, text, nothing. I may as well be dead for all he cares! Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want to know? I'm so broken its making me cry whilst I'm writting this and my eyeliners going to start running and so I better "pull myself together"!
Time to face the reality of what happens when your dad walks out when your 4 and clearly couldn't a flying fuck whether I'm dead or alive, being bullied so badly that the only way to recover is to die, or at least try and die, I can't even remember the amount of times I would sit in my room, cut myself with the scissors, punch myself in the face, smash my head against the wall, anything just to try and not think any more. Until I discovered alcohol and drowned my pain away with a bottle of vodka.
This is when I have to face the fact that I was almost reped at 16 and the point where I have to try not to blame myself and to the point where I need to no I'm not alone with that despite the situation no means no especially said more than 3 times!
fucking idiots no means no God I hate him so much I pray so much he's sitting in a cell right now!
I have to know that I'm not the only one who got abused by a boyfriend and putting up with it because he tells me he loves me and that he'll change and knowing at the back of my mind that he never will but praying that if I'm a better girlfriend he will and it'll be perfect!
To know that even though Diesel died in the end that it wasn't my fault and to work on berevment and the guilt that I hold, the weight of the world of my shoulders because I always think that there was something I could have done to prevent it, or if I'd just worked harder or if I could just be prettier then it would all be OK.
This may all sound totally fucking nuts but thats how I am and I belived it and a certain extent still do. People tell me that all the things that happened wern't my fault but I can't believe them not just yet any how.
I know this is all morbid, but actually you know what this is the way forward and you know people say sometimes the way forward can seem like the way back. I'm 1 step closer to the rd of recovery and although I now have to actually accept that I've got to deal with all this trauma I feel hope, something that had faded a while ago, I feel hope that one day I will be able to lead a normal life and have a healthy relationship with a man!
Right now tonight what I really wish is there was a man here who I trust 110% and who I know loves me to the bone which is what I long for more than anything and I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry and shake and to just show exactly how I feel and to feel safe for the whole night and to just get some God damn fucking sleep. Without a word spoken. Sometimes words just arn't needed! However that isn't going to happen because I don't no any man that loves me to the bone and who I trust 110% or who is willing to stay with me all night, so I guess I'll just cry alone like I usually do!
I think thats probabaly enough said for now. Please don't read this and pity me and least of all feel sorry for me, I'm not looking for a sympathy vote. I write so that people can get a better understanding of my life and my disease!
Hope this hasn't offended any one
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Oh, don't you leave me alone like this, don't you say its the final kiss, oh won't you stay another day..
So enough of that!
Hmmm note to self... walking up North Street... yet again another trampy fast food place opened... my thoughts, Oh joys just what Brighton needs another fast food place... obesiety is on the up rise.... AGAIN!
Just a quicky...
So the life of Princess Elle... Fuck me where do I begin, I rarley sleep there's like virtually no time I'm so stupidly busy...
Well things with Tom I think I can safley say are over, he doesn't even bother replying to my facebook messages anymore. He even untagged himself from my pictures too WANKER! I wrote him, but I very much dobut he'll even bother reading it. So me thinkies I should delete him from facebook... infact maybe just block him and that way I shall no be tempted to "stalk" him.
Good plan... although I did really want him to see the recent pictures of me on facebook looking happy and fabulous... It may be fake but he doesn't know that. I don't want him to think I'm just sitting at home obsessing over him... I sort of am doing that but he doesn't need to know that. However something deep inside me is telling me that he doesn't actually give a flying fuck and clearly I'm a twat for thinking that a 16 year old boy could be anything but like Tom! WHAT A MUG... (me I mean)... actually he's a mug too but for other reasons..
So we have esablished (hopefully) by this point that I'm feeling just a tad low... I actually was thinking earlier about Tom and men in general and after sending a text to Terry (yes I know I'm an idiot please don't say anything) I realised that it probabaly isn't Tom, I mean yes to a certain extent it was, it was like I really fancied him, and when we was away he was like this totally understanding guy who seemed to say everything I needed to hear and was just genrally lovley and yes maybe I'm just a little bit nieve still but I thought he actually meant it... what a fool I was ... I should have learnt by now that guys aren't in it for the whole with me.
Its like guys who go, "I just ain't looking for a relationship right now" and then a month later they're in a relationship and it's like mate why don't you just grow some balls and say what you really mean "you just don't want a relationship with me". Thats really depressing. To know that despite all of what people say to me I know that I'll never get married and have babies like everyone else.
Sometimes I can deal with it and other times it makes me want to kill myself.. Especially when I see (acception of me mom for obvious reasons) every one else in my family is in a relationship... Jennets with Matt, Kats with Dan, Bex is with Iain, Jax is with Nick and Ollys with Kat.
Wow its going to be a long and lonley life... although if I continue to make meself ridiculosly busy then time'll go quicker and I won't notice so much that I'm alone.
See this ain't about Tom, this is about men and how every guy I attempt to get with I hold that tiny bit of hope thats basically thread bare now and I hope that maybe just maybe he'll like me and he won't dump me before the week is through...
Ok enoughs enough, I need to retire to Bedforshire, I got work tomo and a very busy week ahead as always!
Good night my lusious followers
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Keep it hidden from the world, there's only a handful of people you can really truly trust on this plannet and thats a given!
So lets check in a bit with me...
Tom dumped me! Face bovared, does it look bovared! Lol ok I'll lose the attitude and the act a little bit. Course I care. I got used by a 16 year old boy! Surley I should know better by now? Apparently I'll never learn my lesson!
However the break down period has reduced immensly! I could almost say I'm over it... him.. OK perhaps not, but still doing things for me!
My knittings coming along quite nicley (I know I'm like 22 going on 82 but shhhhh) stops me drinking.
Me and "Mr across the Road" are back to normal again... well I think normal would be an understatment because we're both miles away from "normal" fuck being normal, normals for boring twats! Any how we're hanging out, talking, drinking tea... (I drink tea he smokes a joint.. thats pretty standered for us).
I'm not stalking anyone at the moment..
God lifes so boring when I ain't stalking anyone of got a "project" AKA a man!
However bought meself some lush new boots today just a little present for me, from me to show my appriciation towards myself!
Ohhh Robs getting me this amazing corset for Christmas oh my goshie its proper lushie, check out the sight, tis on fb (facebook for the weirdos out there that haven't quite worked out the abrieviation for it yet).
Can you belive christmas is only 64 days away fuccccccccck! Better crack on with making the presents.. this week should be good as no drama on wed or night school on tuesday result!
I've asked for soooo many nice things hope I get them... to be fair I've mainly asked for nail varnish and DVDS the only big things I've asked for is a lava lamp which these days are ... £10 on amazon and a cocktail set which is £20 (but that includes ice crusher) so hopefully me mummy will get me that and then me sisters and relatives can get me nail varnish and DVDs! I very much dobut me dad will get me anything this year. Stingie bastared that he is and seeing as he's still throwing a strop over the fact that I didn't send him a fathers day card or a birthday card whatever man. He's a shit dad! He wouldn't even lend me £3 for loo role when I was skint and had to drip cuz of lack of bog role and funds, ha for someone thats sitting on £50,000 thats pretty steep! Should just fucking rob him! The point I was making is if he won't help me out why should I use the very small amount of money that I do get on buying him a card and a stamp to say happy fucking birthday and fathers day ... DEAR DAD CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE SHITTEST DAD... EVER... LOVE YOU! I mean do behave!!
Hey my step dad might give me some doe... I can hope any how lol.
I swear down before the year ends I will get my tattoo done and my 3rd and 4th holes in my ear done God damn it I always have to wait too fucking long...
A little glimpse of Tom just came into me head then.
Christmas time, he's going to be all alone banged up and I'll be with my amazing sis, her man, me nephew and me mother but as I bring up a lot we all know that feeling of being surrounded by people but yet feeling so alone thats what I'll be like on christmas day, I'll probabally be sitting and wondering about him too.
od he's so young! I wish he could see how much potential he has! It makes me so angry the whole situation! He's so smart, he's a propa little man but because of things he just can't see it and his lifes already over before its begun, this is just the begining he'll be in and out of prison now forever undobutedly and end up like poor old Sean who will never become clean (off the gear) or Diesel may he R.I.P! Do you know how shit it is to know whats going to happen before it has and to know full well there's nothing you can do to change it. It's so frustrating!
Any how I've got to focus on me...
God a bollocking a college the other day...
- Inappopriate clothing ... skirts too short.. interesting isn't it how its only woman that critisise this ...
- Talking about sex too much. Exscuse me I'm giving these kids a sex education lesson that'll they'll never forget and take with them for ever, and to be fair one day it'll probabally benefit them.
- talking about me problemos ... OK so maybe that one is a fair point!
- I actually got sent to counselling.
Ohhhhhhh if I've been a naughty girl turn me over and spank me and it'll probablly turn me on ha ha cuz I'm a dirty ho ;) ha ha love it!
I actually think the counsellor needed to see someone after seeing me, after I told her about all the trauma I'd been thru she looked pretty traumitised herself... thank God its only 9 days till I see Dr doo dee dah phyciatrist dude who hopefuly will be the answer to my prayers.... thats ironic seeing as I don't pray but you get me..
so what else is going on in the life of Princess Elle... well fuck knows! I can't belive its only 9.10pm it feels so much later.. me thinking should go out ... afterall tis saturday... I need some new blood... hmmmmmmmm PROJECT...
love ya xxxxxxx
Sunday, 16 October 2011
I just want to start by saying my family drive me nuts and I swear me mom always knows when I'm up to know good... I.e drinking and sneaking boys home! What the fuck how old am I? 16 again, I mean fuck off I'm 22 years old for crying out loud.
Whatevers we'll come to that in a bit...
So I've been away with college to Dartmoore in Devon and yes it was the worst week of my life! Staying in basically a squat, where there are spider webs every where, wood worm, ucompfy beds, toilets outside the bedrooms (yes you actually had to walk outside to get to the loo at 3am). Baring in mind that I am a princess and I'm used to my double outhapedic matrouse, electric blanket with all my princess dresses and high heels. I don't exactly think hiking around for a week is particulary up my street. Especially with a bunch of teenagers who can't cook or clean apparently (hmm maybe thats a bit unfair there was the bare minumum) still totally fucked me off!!
I'm pretty sure majority of the people I went away with arn't talking to me, but hey I didn't sign up for friendship, I signed up for the course!
I had a manic episode on thursday and friday. Not good, I attempted to slash up my wrists with a blunt knife (this wasn't intentional, there were no sharp knives) however the knife draw got hidden any how!
I also tried to OD.
Don't ask its bipolar, no control over it what so ever :-(.
I did however absail off a 100 foot bridge and swim in a freezing cold lake and climb a lot of very dangourous rocks, not to mention walking about a 20 million mile hike... Ok so I'm exaderating, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't!
So how would I bring in Tom into all of this without you all falling off ya chairs...
Fuck that those of you who know me should be shocked by nothing I say or do so here goes..
Tom is a 16 year old boy who goes to college with me and I slept in the same bed as him monday, tuesday and wednesday... what can I say I'm a horney bitch who just got my HIV/syphalis results back NEGATIVE!! RESULT!! No I didn't shag him, we kissed and touched though... I was good actually I didn't even let him finger me!
However I did get drunk friday... and saturday (yes I know not very good recovering alcoholic) but after my week I more than earnt it.
So sneaked Tom back to mine last night and shagged him!
He is so fucking sexy and young, is that really wrong? He don't look or act 16 so whatever! Besides he's shagged woman older than me before so whatever! OK I am really trying to justify the fact that I shagged a 16 year old boy today and yesterday... I can't help it he is propa lush!
We're meant to be together but he's 16 and I'm a mess so we'll see how long that lasts...
God its so frustrating, plus he's going inside on 15th December so won't get to see him for 6 months. Bless him though he ain't had the easiest of lives and he's so young, you know what that means ;-) I can mould him, when guys get to their 20's they're beyond "fixing" but Tom has so much potential and my God he's so sexy, he's like 6 foot, stunning blue eyes, amazing body, lucious smile and well fit bum ;-)!!!
I promise I'm not a perv... OK maybe just a bit.
So as the last line for todays title just because currently seeing Tom does not mean I should forget meself, as in still stick to everything I need to do and me mates ALWAYS come 1st no matter what!
You know now that I'm back I feel a lot better and I have a good feeling about 2012! Afterall this year ain't been too bad. I've only shagged Luke, Mike, Terry, Marc and Tom this year. Up to 37 now! Fuck actually 5 ain't really that good.
Fuck it the only person that has the right to judge me is me!
I'm living my life now no one elses.
On that note I must now go as always working to a tight schedule, must have a bath, exfoliate, shave me legs, chose me outfit for tomo, paint me nails and well thats enough, its already 9pm, I intend to be in bed before midnight tonight!