Tuesday, 31 July 2012

We have the rain together, we survived the pain forever Oh, its good to be home again its good to be with my friends

I love that song, its by Pink and her daddy Jim Moore!
So its back to cold almost rainy old Brighton, you know the Brighton we know all so well, and our summer is over, wow after just 4 days or so. Guess I shouldn't really complain, afterall I've got more important things to think about and moan about that what the weathers doing, although that be said I hope it doesn't rain saturday because meant to be seeing Princess Andrea to see Greece and Dirty Dancing on the big screen down the beach.
Let me start by saying I have deleted facebook. I just can't deal with it right now, everytime I have a rant their always seems like there's someone their having ago at me, if you don't like it DE-FRIEND me or hide my news feed, its my fucking facebook I can write what I fucking well want. So fed up with always being bloody told off, I'm not a child anymore I wish people wouldn't treat me like one, so fucking patronising!
Anyhow thats that rant over with, I've de-activated so the people that get oh so easily offended will have to go find some one else to get offended by.
*and breath*
I would like to point out that I'm still single, and still not having any sex, become slightly obsessed with being skinny too. It never used to bother me so much but recently I've been really thinking about weight and food and being a little bit obssesive, I guess growing up with 2 skinny minis (aka anorexics) doesn't help. I've spent my life growing up always being told I'm fucking fat its hardly suprising I have a huge complex about it.
Having a sister thats 6 stone and a mother not far behind I mean its fucked up, on the plus side at least I have bigger tits and look more like a woman.
I've always had issues with food, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to grow up with people that don't constantly obsess over food all the time, maybe I wouldn't always feel so depressed when I look in the mirror. I have been battling with my reflection for as long as I can remember and spend my whole life admiring other girls and thinking "if only I could have her tits, her stomache, her nose, her hair, her mouth" etc. Oh come on we've all done it at one time or another. Learning to be happy being my is something I really need to learn!
Beccas decided to move to Eastbourne with the cunt, not sure if I mentioned that in my last entry, bad bad move, shes going to be soooo lonley the cunts going to commute to london every day, but shes addamant to move out with him! I guess its one of those things that even though I really don't want her too she'll have to learn the hard way, I've had to on virtually everything, its tough to watch but I guess thats just life, nothing I can do about it!
On the plus side Jacs is talking about moving back to Brighton, man I hope so, be so cool her living close again, I can see her more and it'll be like the times when I lived in Newhaven. I know I shouldn't get too excited because it might not even happen but it'll be good to have all my family back around me again, makes me feel safer. Oh you know except me dad but just kind of forgotten about him really, I really haven't got time for his games anymore. I'm 23 now, not 12 anymore and he missed out on so much I think what the fuck is the point anyhow, like I always say it'll be his loss in the end, when I get to where I want to be he won't be able to take any credit for any of it because he hasn't played any part of it, misurable old git!
Got loads of fun things planned for august so thats cool. Got work meal tomorrow at La tascas whoop whoop. Going glamping next thursday, Kat and Dan coming down at one point in August, going out with Kelly, Amanda and Jackie from college, got Callums 5th birthday party, going to a ball too in august that'll be fun, before I know it'll be the wedding, am so excited about it now, looking forward to being able to eat again and see all me family and of course getting drunk!
I am barely drinking at the moment because of the calories in alcohol. If I want to be a small size 12 for the wedding then I have to be really dedicated to not drinking or eating excessivly!
Any how todays blog is shit because there's no fucking drama.
I have discovered that by joining a dating site (yes for the billionth time) that there are alot of ugly single guys in Brighton and no if you are fat, ugly, 45, divorced with 3 kids I do not want to come and suck your wrinkly cock, for fuck sake do fat guys like this really honestly think I would actually say yet its fucking disgusting and on that note I'm going to go vom. ha ha Nah I'm not actually but if this weight doesn't shift soon may have to be bulimic again. I was so skinny when I was bulemic!

Peace out lovers

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Feeling hot, hot, hot...

Wow would you believe it, 24th July & we have sun Bingo, God we're so spoilt in Britain ;-)!!

So its been say 22 days since I wrote, 3 weeks and 1 day, for the average person they probabaly would have just gone about their every day life and not too much would have happened, however already establishing that I'm not the average person and say I get about as much excitment in 3 weeks than the avarage person might get in the entire year!

So Iain, who I have just decided to replace with the words "The Cunt" because his name gives me shivers down my back, he was being a bigger prick than usual (yes apparently it is possible). Him and Becca were arguing through the whole house, she was in tears and he was just basically not giving a shit because lets face it why would he, he's a self obssesed arrogont twat. Any how it was so bad that both me and mum walked out that night, I ended up eating out alone because I was so hungary and couldn't bare to be at the house, I think mum went for a drink alone. Lukily Princess Andrea came and met me and that really helped, having me pals support me over these extremly tough times is one of the few things thats keeping me going. Proper angels!!
So I came home later to realise that they we're both totally oblivious to the fact that they made both me and mum walk out.
Mum stayed up till 3am crying, I tried to stay awake till she went to bed but ended up just passing out with the top light on and my glasses on whoops!
So the next day I texted Jacqui and told her to ring mum, so she looked after mum for the whole day and I tried to support her as much as I felt I could into finally doing something about this situation which has gone on far too long.
Any how so as usual the weekend past and nothing was said, and as usual no-one apart from me said how I really felt. Heaven forbid that we actually say what we actually feel, does my fucking head in!

I ran away the weekend after because I simply couldn't cope anymore my mental health was through the roof, anxiety and depression, I felt suicidally depressed so decided that staying with friends would be a wise idea, good support & distraction. When I'm in a state like that I have to do whatever I can to keep well!!
It was a weekened that really hit the spot in every way possible. Had lush food at Princess Andreas friday night and then went to the pub where I found a fish bowl full of business cards so decided to grab a load and text all the males with mobiles saying "hi sexy" and left my number on the back of a few of them and put them back in the fish bowl. Was a slightly disapointing outcome, didn't get dates from any of them which is a shame. Still their loss not mine right?
Made amazing cupcakes saturday that was loadsa fun :D. We then went over to Kates and Dani come over too and we just spent the whole evening eating cake mmm love it and chatting and watching funny TV programmes, was a really good evening! We spent most of the sunday in our pjs, good times ;-).
Unfortunatly came back to world war 3 on sunday, wasn't too bad though because I just stayed up in my room... I think I tend to suffer from memory loss a lot in my old age ;-).

Any how so then Kat (me cousin) come down on the wednesday and that was good, its always good when shes down because she's so funny, I laugh so much when she comes to visit, and even at 22 weeks pregaz, its so weird to think of her as pregnant, shes having a little boy, hope he's cute, well can guarentee it up until the age of about 3 and then it depends, could go either way I suppose...

So last weekend just passed well well well friday night I was like nah not going to get pissed this weekend just having a couple glasses of wine and be done with it, however that all changed when I bumped into the boy in a pub along Lewes Road, YES THE BOY as in the one that I was desperate to have sex for, for at least a month, well I think I can well and truly say I fucked up even potentially having a one night stand with him!
I downed my large glass of rose, I'd had a small glass of rose prior to this and a pimms and lemonade. Then I decided to drink 4 vodka & lemonades. After telling everyone that I don't drink vodka, so I was drunk, I wouldn't say quite pareletic but I was drunk meaning I lost all embarresment. Oh Jesus I even sat on the boys lap at one point, he clearly wasn't interested at all. I think I did inform him that I had a crush on him, although I didn't actually listen to his response... or maybe I didn but I don't remember.
He did let me where his coat though, I think I had to guilt trip him into that, just before he left I stood there going "your leaving me" like over and over again as if we'd been together or something! God damn him he looked so fuckable on friday, more than ever!
Any how he fucking left and so he's a cunt right and I should just stop thinking about him right?  Shame I can't get him out of my head!!
Enough of that it's pissing me off!
Saturday morning felt fairly reasonable considering, although buy the afternoon I felt like someone had tipped me upsdide down and shook me, not a good feeling, or look!
I was meant to be going on a date with some guy called Marc from the internet, which didn't end up happeneing because I got to the station at half 8 to meet him and he kindly informed me his train wasn't due till 9.10pm (he lives in Worthing) and therfore wouldn't arrive in Brighton till 9.38pm so I was like there isn't much point there, I wondered around for 2 hours and then went home! I didn't give him a second chance, kind of figured if he's that unorginised this early on what the fuck would he be like 2 weeks down the line, don't want to chance it really!!

So sunday it was hot so got up early to go see me nan and bought myself a lush new dress, I felt I deserved it after being stood up previous night, fuck me new dresses and mates are so much better that boys.
Went for sunday roast with Rhea and Andrea, then chilled out in the Pavilion Gardens in the sun listening to top ass tunes, followed by yummy cupcakes from cloud nine and softails from all bar one. Good times, went for a glass of wine at the local with Becca after too (we're talking again now, cannot be bothered to be more stressed than I already am).

So last wednesday you'll never guess who I bumped into... only Ian Mccoriston, hadn't spoken to him in months, apparently he's in rehab now and he's allowed out now. (He wasn't allowed out for 1st 3 months). I couldn't believe he'd actually got sober, I'd sort of given up on him because he was always chatting shit. Still I'm quite impressed that he's done it.
I met up with him for a smoothie last night because I decided that everyone deserves a 2nd chance in life and even though he's been a nightmare in the past he'd never actually been horrible to me, apart from telling everyone we'd had sex loads which is a lie, but guess I should feel flattered really. He didn't bully me though like Chris did. Anyhow I'm glad he's gotten sober, I just hope he sticks with it. It'll be worth it one day!!

So I have a new crush too, I don't exactly know this guy, I've seen him about loads in last few months, and I saw him a couple days ago near the Steine, sunday I think, and then I saw him again in asda last night. I was thinking hmm what are you doing here, ha ha cuz clearly asda belongs to moi.   ;-). He was with a girl, an older man and an older lady and I was trying to work out wether the girl was his g/f and the older lady and gentlemen were her parents or if she was his sister and the older lady and gentlemen were his mum and dad. Well currently I don't even know his name so some serious stalking is in order me thinks...

Was having serious money issues and then my DvD player decided to pack in at the worse possible time and I thought I might physically break down, because I'm a drama queen and thats what drama queens do... actually its because I have BPD and unexpected things throw me off and I panic and can't think straight! Anyhow lukily for me Ettie and Chris kindly saved my back by giving me theirs!
My friends truly are angels. Gods definitly got my back this time.

on that note I'm going to finish because I've written loads anyhow already, this will keep ya busy for a while....
peace out
love xxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 2 July 2012


I've started reading "Memoirs of Cleopatra" recently, recommended by Lauren & to get a  better understanding I ordered to movie, the most recent one with Billy Zane, L'eonor Varela and Timothy Dalton!
It's such a brilliant story, even though its true long ago and although the movie is just actors I believe that they portray it well. It really gets me thinking (always a bad thing). I stared thinking that in 2000 years how much has really changed? Yes we live in democracy now, and when we have wars they're nuclear and it isn't how it was back then in that respect. But I think when it comes to love & relationships how different is it? Well I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't have wanted to die young & live through mayhem but Caesar is one of the most powerful men in the whole of the world, yet when he falls in love for Cleopatra and he really does fall in love with her, true love, its like so passionette, and I wonder if thats what Britain lacks is passion, it seems to me that alcohol and drugs is the only passion people have these days, I hate it. I guess places like Egypt were probabaly much more passionette places to live, take Italy for example they're passionatte about food, Egypt has the pyramids, France has the Eiffle tower and Spain is just, I don't really know but there is definitly a certain Aura that people from these countries carry & the other thing us British seem to carry is drink/drug problems, the weight of the world on our shoulders and anything possible to moan about.

Recently I've been really thinking about men (ok ok I know I'm always thinking about men) in a sort of way of what do I want. What do I really want, I'm forever breaking up with guys for what seem like slightly shallow reasons like they're hairs weird, or they ring me too much, or they want to see me all the time, or they never call me, or they're boring, or their eyebrows are too long, or some crap like that. Although I suppose what I'm really feeling is lack of passion and maybe thats why I keep breaking up with these guys, they're all just the same person in different bodies and slightly different stories. I want a man who gives me an apitite, and not for food, my passion and desire for food is fine, but I'm talking about an appitite for life!
A man that makes me want to get up early and give me this energy that I've only really ever felt from foreign woman before, usually from France or Spain! A man who makes my heart race and my whole body quiver with just one touch, and not just the first time we make love but forever more, a man who is like a book, leaves me hungary for more!
A man who is brave, and by that I don't mean someone who will remove a spider for me when I'm having an anratonphobia fit, and not a man who goes and beat the shit out of someone for whatever reason. I mean a man who isn't affraid to speak his fears, a man who knows how to cry and show his emotions, a man that looks like a fucking man, I'm fed up with having to fucking diet all the time because all the guys around me are small and skinny, I want a man who is tall with sturdy legs, strong arms, a body built like a tree trunk, big, but firm!
Instead I'm surrounded by silly little boys who have legs like chickens, are skinny like an anerexic cat, big arms from taking steroids, and they're whole body looks out of proportion, or they just have arms like twigs! I'm not sure whats worse!! There's an alternative to going out with a man whose obease, you'll probabaly find him burger king, both are seriously depressing!
Half of them don't even have proper facial hair, and then when they do it goes bloody ginger and it just reminds me of that little freak Faigan from Oliver twist!
Most of the boys who attempt to go out with me can't read they think reading car magazines or newspapers class as reading it doesn't, they totally shocked that someone with blond hair is reading an actual book I mean jesus christ!
Most of them don't last much longer than 10 minutes when having sex and then they role over and go to sleep, I'm not sure any of them, well at least any of the ones I've been with know the art of making love!
Half of them can't dress, they walk around with they're bums hanging out of their jeans, and majority of them seriously need a haircut!
The most recent guy, ha suprisingly called Chris (which is a no go in itself really) he spoke in 3rd person and that is annoying shit.
I know your probabaly thinking wow she must think shes the fucking bees knees and that I'm basically slagging off all British men, which is kind of unfair of me seeing as I haven't obviously met every British man, but I'm just trying to express myself from what I know and have seen and how I feel, please try not to be offended. I'm trying to get across my frustration!
No I do not think I'm the bees knees, but I'll tell you, I know how to dress, I know how to make my make up look good, I know how to read a book, not just a magazine, an actual book!  A noval!
I know how to cook, I have a passion for baking, I appriciate art in all its forms, I have an imagination beyond any mans wildest dreams, I have this passion like fire burning deep inside me, which is waiting to be unleashed just as soon as it senses someone worthy enough for it to be realesed.
I haven't been sleeping well recently, I'm not sure if thats to do with the whole male thing, I think its a mixtue of that, mixed with a long hang over, mixed with anxiety of being alone, being left behind, worrying about stupid day to day things. It doesn't seem to matter what time I go to bed and how early I get up I just can't seem to sleep fully without fear! Thank God I'm seeing the homepath tomorrow, and the physio wednesday!
My eyes are feeling heavy and my mind is off with my imagination!

Peace out my Prince's and Godess's cxxxxxxxxxxxxxx