Friday, 31 December 2010

The very last day in the most fucking fabulous year so far!!

For any of you who didn't get that yes I was being sarcastic!
So here I am sitting in Jacqui's front room and giving all my fabulous fans an update of the fabulous life of yours truly.

So I survived Christmas with the family (only just mind you).
Seriously am in need of a great big joint before I go any more crazier than I already am (although I do think that may be slightly impossible).
Nicks left for his travels, and Jacqui is walking around in a fog as if it's the end of the world, I love the fact that I am not the only drama queen in the family.
Although apparently I'm the selfish one, well as much as I do feel for her at least she's got a man, what have I got apart from silly little good for nothing boys texting me and severely irritating the fuck out of me.
Hey whats happened to the font, God damn fucking computers I did not tell it to change the font once again technology trying to piss me off again.
I cannot believe it has been almost 5 weeks since I have had any type of sexual contact with a man, I'm going slightly insane, although I am trying to stick to my sex and love addicts programme I'm just praying my 30 days are almost over so I can change my bottom lines and at least get my good old vibrators out I am in serious need of an orgasm its no wonder I'm grumpy all the time, never mind only a few weeks left now.
I have to be honest though, it does work, I've started to have a new found respect for myself and I'm not settling for any one who just wants to get into my pants. I'm looking for more than that cuz I can see that I am worth more than that!

Turns out Chris (yes the twat that was supposedly my ex, although more like a big mistake would be slightly more appropriate), he only went and got the girl who he left me for pregnant and now has left her and is planning another suicide attempt. Pathetic! What a twat actually that's just plain cuntish hey ho I'm well done with him and his bent knob, if I wanted to make love to a banana I'd go to the supermarket and buy one, at least it wouldn't answer back and I'd be guaranteed to orgasm! Although sounds kind of messy so I think I'll just stick to me toys. majorly need to buy some more, 2 just isn't enough any more.
Any how I'll be sure to fill you in on some more exciting news providing my life does get more exciting, it hasn't been this dull... well EVER! Mann this is so shit!

Well HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR! 2010 can kiss my ass cuz I'm done with it, roll on 2011 and I'll show ya how it's really done, no more mingers, no more druggies, no more alcoholics, no more crap shags and lots of nice good looking fit men with nice bodies and good jobs and who kiss the ground I walk on, I know he's out there and he's been looking in all the wrong places but he'll find me, you'll see!
Oh and in the mean time I think I'll concentrate on doing a hair and beauty course combined with a sex shop!
Good plan!

Peace out my faithful followers

Love love love
Princess Elle

Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 3 of me 30 days

Well well, I'm on day 3 of me 3 days and I'm doing OK.
Can't believe there's only 4 days till Christmas eve, I'm starting to wonder where the year has gone, but under the circumstance that's a pretty stupid question, it's gone on a lot of stupid guys, a lot of gone wrong tragic relationships, being sectioned, losing jobs, moving house, stupid amounts of overdoses, going out partying and a hell of a lot of arguing, time to set some new rules for next year...
1) Do not attempt to commit suicide no matter how bad things get.
2) Do not jump into bed with idiots.
3) Do not get fired.
4) Do not argue, simply walk away.
5) Do not keep moving house.
6) Do not speak to weird homeless people.

Well that's a start isn't it.
I'd rather be on my own than go out with another dickhead.

I'm restless, I'm unbelievably fed up with this stupid weather it is ruining my life, seriously I cannot physically wear heels in this ice (and no parading around the house in heels doesn't count).
Any how on another note I'm trying not to be so damn negative so I should look at the good things from this year, I moved house away from all the drama that was making my life hell. I made up with me sister after 2 years of no contact.
I made new mates, and got out of jobs that I sincerely hated!!

Hm I'll write again soon I think, should be getting a new laptop soonish when I actually get a decent amount on a check come through the post.

Wish me luck I already have a pack of 40 ciggies to get me through the 2 dreaded days of Christmas with my absolutely amazing family (Xmas eve & Xmas Day). Hmmm how long will they last with my darling mother and my even more darling 2nd mother (Becca). This is going to be so much fun! (NOT).

Any how I am off to my home now oh and one last thing please remind me to make a trip next year to be away for Xmas somewhere hot with someone nice away from my so called family!!

Peace out
love love love

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The world and their wankers.

I am officially pissed off! What is this piss Elle off week!!??
Seriously right I cannot stand banks all I wanted was one fucking pin number so I can use my stupid credit card and they're all like oh we got the wrong address or something and then put me on hold for ages so eventually I hung up and rung back hoping to speak to someone who can actually understand English (no such luck)! So after speaking to four different people they finally said that the pin number would be with me latest on Wednesday!
Why it took 4 people to send one four digit pin number and to write my correct address is beyond me, but hey that sums up banks for ya!

Oh yes and how could I forget I bumped into that prick that I went out with yesterday and today God I swear he's stalking me now! Why can't he just FUCK OFF! Thank God I am going to be gone in 3 days I hope I never see his fucking fucked up face again ARGHHHHHHHHHH! Oh don't worry I blanked him, as much as I would take pleasure in fucking up his fucked up face even more I wouldn't and will not give him the satisfaction of letting him see how much he got under my skin!! ARGHHHHHHHH what a CUNT!

Actually speaking of men right they're all a bunch of cunts and sleazy pathetic idiots, and fuck me I'm gagging for a shag, it seems to be the only thing that makes me stop feeling angry, and I start my 30 days in 3 days which means no sex, no relationships, no kissing, no flirting, no communication with a member of the opposite sex and that includes phone calls too and I'm not even allowed to indulge in self pleasure, I know I've got to do this to get better but God it feels so tough!

Right another thing adverts saying "21 and still single" FUCK OFF! Is that meant to be some sort of joke, 21 years old for fuck sake it's a joke, it really is! Can I just say if 21's meant to be old these days what the fuck to woman in their 30's who are still single feel like?
Give us a fucking break OK the media seriously do my fucking head in! It does not mean that if you haven't had kids by the time your 25 that your a freak it means you want a life or a career or maybe you just don't want kids!
I am so unbelievably fed up of being dictated by from the media, or the government or any one else that thinks they know better, please do me a favor and nicely FUCK OFF!

Richy is a CUNT please remind me to put Rich and Ritchy on the list of names of men that I do need sleep with or date!
I'm officially running out of names here, I'm going to end up marrying someone called Ziggy or something else like Quentin cuz I'm getting through names like there's no tomo oh for fuck sake I've had enough I am going to indulge myself in my milk Terrys chocolate orange (whats left of it) and another thing, it ain't Terry's it ain't Dawn French's it's mine ha ha so go FUCK YASELF!

Fuck out
fuck fuck fuck

Thursday, 9 December 2010

When the going gets tough the tough gets going...

I honestly don't know where to begin!
I'm in a slump of depression actually. I guess I'm just fed up with men treating me like shit. When will I just meet someone who likes me for me and who's nice to me??
I've been ridiculously busy and me being me doing my usual of avoiding things I have only started packing today and I've run out of fucking brown tape too so that involves me actually leaving the house tomo (oh happy days).

Start my 30 days in 4 days, 30 days without any sexual contact with a man, no sex with a men, no kissing, no flirting, no dating, just nothing accept complete detox. I think this is going to be one of the hardest thing I'll ever have to do but I need a healthy relationship and I want one... hmm in fact I crave one, I'm just completely exhausted.
I keep getting continuous calls from girls that are going out with Ian, or some other little prick and it's beginning to do my head in! Why can't people just leave me the fuck alone, I'm in the middle of moving house I am so God damn stressed!

Any how I've got far too much to do thinking a bout other peoples girlfriends ringing me is the least of my worries.
I'm packing all day tomo it's dull but it has to be done. God I can't fucking wait to move, seriously like it'll be so nice to go out again without feeling insecure, paranoid, vulnerable and scared. Bullies one thing I cannot stand in life. Along with violence and confrontation!

So Wednesday me and Rob are bigging it up in Landan baby and I have to say I am extremely disappointed the fashion industry is having a midlife crises, I was mooching a bout and the clothes all look half finished, seriously I could have made a bin bag look better then some of things on sale.
So there we have it 1st the fashion industry falls a part and slowly whats next?? After all we are in the middle of rescission.
Ok I physically can not keep me eyes open my bed is officially calling me! xx

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Back home..

So here I am back home from London, in bed half watching the holiday, although it hasn't got to the best bit yet (when Jude Law appears).
London was a bit of a drama but it's over now and it is official my family are nuts.
I'm not particularly happy with my so called sister bex who woke me up at 11.30am and then came down stairs demanding I be ready in 40 minutes.
Banging on the bathroom door whilst I'm trying to wash my fucking hair telling me to hurry up. Then standing over me in the bedroom whilst I'm trying to get ready telling me I've got 20 minutes and then shouting at me for doing my makeup and when eventually I get slightly pissed off and tell her to fuck off she gets a massive hump and tells me to go and throw myself under a bus which isn't exactly very nice considering I only got out of hospital last week for trying to top myself.
All because she needed to see Iain cuz she hadn't seen him for a week.
Fuck sake does my head in it's a week she should count herself lucky it isn't like they're separated by war or something and they hadn't seen each other for years.
Mind you that is Becca for you irrational and controlling! (Especially when it comes to Iain).

Actually she's been doing my head in all weekend shouting at me in Sainsbury's a bout buying inappropriate cereal I swear she still thinks I'm a bout 12 or something!

I've got far more to contribute to this blog but I think I really should get some beauty sleep so I will update you on my fabulous thoughts tomo!!

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

When things start looking up...

So you got it little miss grumpy has gone away!
I won't sit here and pretend my life is suddenly fabulous, but it's 12 days today since I've slept with Chris, or anyone for that matter!!
Almost 2 weeks which is seriously good news.
I've had no contact with Chris what so ever and it's amazing how much you can get done when your not chasing boys around.

So here I am at home 2 weeks until I move out of Hove forever. Why does it seem to be going so fucking slowly???

Keeping busy is the key to making time go quicker, and in a bout 40 minutes I will be leaving the house to go and see a movie and dinner with my fabulous friends Natalie and Andrea. It's weird when I was seeing Chris it's like I forgot that there are people out there that genuinely do care a bout me.
Emma's been amazing I don't think I would have got through it without her.
Spoke to dad and Linda and I wouldn't exactly say that our relationship is perfect now but now that everything's out in the open it feels like actually I will start getting better for real this time!

Since I've taken myself out of the situation of Chris it's like I've started thinking clearer again and started to see that how I was living was so unhealthy and destructive. I'm just so grateful to have great mates and fab family because no way would I have got through any of this without them!!

It isn't going to be easy but I will move house and then eventually once I've started to recover from all this trauma I'll be able to get myself back into work and start living again.

I was looking back through facebook and all the photos I'd been tagged in and I used to have such a great life and ever since I met Chris it kind of just faded away, and I turned into this insecure, obsessive, needy woman something I never wanted or thought I would ever be again after past relationships. So turns out I actually have the worst taste in men.
I thought the older you get the better judgment you get of people, turns out with me not the case, in actual fact I think my judgment has decreased.

I wrote a 10 page letter to Gary in prison, Monday night, I really hope he gets it, I'm not exactly sure what I was trying to achieve by that but I've asked him to send me a V.O. I know I haven't seen him since July but we never actually broke up, so technically you could say we're still together, but there's a lot of things that were gone unsaid and I think it's important that I see him and I say what I never had a chance to say and to listen to him and all the things that he never had a chance to say. At least that way I can have a bit of peace of mind.

That's my goal for the future, I guess it's a pretty lose goal to have but one thing I need that I don't think I've ever really had is peace of mind.
I know that life isn't all happy and roses, it's tough but living like how I have been is so far away from what my life could be.
I've got such a big personality and it's wasted in a job like admin, I need to be doing something that's much more suited to my personality!!
I am strong and I can get through this! More to the point I am determined to get through this!

Any how God this is all a bit emotional maybe I should finish off with something light...
OK I have officially decided I'm 100% jealous of Janine and Stacey from Eastenders because both of them get to make out with Ryan and I think I may have actually fallen in love with him, man why do I have to be so damn heterosexual!!

Role on tomo me and Alex are getting the fuck out of Brighton to go cause drama else where, God I'm sad, love it!!

Peace out
love love love

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Attempting to start over again...

So here I am at me sisters place with my gorgeous little nephew how the fuck could I ever consider killing myself when I've got him!
That's right 2 nights ago I took another overdose, shit loads of different pills and I was admitted to hospital, I threw up a hell of a lot and spent most of the night in and out of conscience. I was alone and I felt alone and it made me think a lot a bout life when I came out.

Life really is too short I need to get the fuck out of Hove. As for going back on the game I just can't do it, my head is so fucked up I think if I go back on it I'll just end up being even more messed up. I feel bad for messing around my agent but I didn't know I would feel like this!

So Chris got a new girlfriend and I guess like I should be mad but actually I'm surprisingly OK about it. Like if I think a bout it's a good thing because now I won't be going back to him. It's not like anything would have ever changed between me and Chris. He would have just carried on treating me like shit and I just would have let him cuz that's what I'm like. He's an alcoholic too and I don't know if he'll ever change, but hey in 2 weeks 5 days I'll never no cuz I'll be gone forever!!

Any how I've decided to throw myself back out there and go on a date. So maybe it will go some where and maybe it won't but at least I'm trying!!

Any how that's all for now!

Peace out

Friday, 26 November 2010

Stuck in a rut

I don't even know what to say.

I feel empty and numb. I feel anxious and scared.
I don't want to be alone any more. Yet at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship either!
I feel disorientated I'm not sure if that's from the overdose I took last night or if it's just the feeling of hopelessness either way I feel crap.

I don't think there's any more that I can write really!

Peace and love

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

My fabulous fucked up family!

Title says it all really!
Don't you just love the way that families are meant to pull together when things are tough, but hey I've always known my family is totally fucked up!
I mean the older I get the less I see of me cousins and aunties and uncles etc so I guess it's fair enough that they don't really want anything to do with me but as far as immediate family goes the only one that's really actually bothered giving a shit a bout me is my sis (Jax) and even she's decided that I'm trying to guilt trip her into giving me money!

It's so fucking shit I just need that money and then I can finally fuck off and get away from all the shit here in Hove!!
Seriously mum's decided she ain't even going to respond to my texts any more and just delete them when she receives them well fuck that shit, she can forget me spending Christmas with her this year acting like that it's proper pathetic!
Whatever I don't need her any how all I get is told off a bout who I see, what I do and who I sleep with which is my choice!
A bout time she realized that I'm an adult and what I do is my choice.
So fuck it. Sent the letter to dad yesterday, he should receive it tomo.
Can't wait to see his reaction to the whole truth. Oh well a bout time a few truths were told.
It ain't like he's going to have some sort of Epiphany and step up to the mark of being a dad even if doesn't know what to do!
He'll probably disown me, my family seem to be good at doing that when things are tough!!
Oh well it isn't exactly like I'll be missing much if he does!

At least I got me mates, I actually think if it wasn't for my mates I'd be dead by now!

Got slightly addicted to watching sugar rush at the moment, I've watched it excessively over and over, but hey gives me something to do seeing as I'm stuck in Hove because until I get money (which feels like will be never at this rate) I haven't even got a bus ticket so I'm pretty much stuck either indoors or out doors attempting to scav ciggies from passer bys and money to buy food!
Oh happy fucking days. Oh not to mention I've run out of deodorant and I've run out of foundation too so I look like shit permanently!

This is actually making me feel worse, wish I'd never started this. I feel even worse writing it down, just reminds me of how my so called family have once again rejected me, ha is it any surprise I end up with guys like Chris!

Someone do me a fucking favor and just shoot me would ya!!!

Peace out to me mates and as for the rest of u go fuck ya selves! (directed at my so called "family").

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Bring me back

Do you know what I've been so wrapped up in Chris and Ian I've been missing all the great things a round me and things are going to get better.
Yes my head is fucked but I have this sort of feeling that something good will happen, makes a change considering I normally thing the worst out of everything.
I just know that once I move it'll be OK like.
I'll be away from Chris and Ian and all of their lot and no one (except me mates) will know where I live and I've changed me number now too!
I've got less than 4 weeks less now till I can move (thank fuck).
Time will go quick, I was thinking the other day back to the 1st time I met Chris and honestly I can't remember hmmm let me look it up!!
August I can't put my finger on a specific date but roughly the middle of August which means I've known him a bout 3 months, Wow it feels like a lot longer, maybe that's cuz I'm unemployed and so much shit has happened!
Fuck it less than 4 weeks now and I'm gone and then I can finally start getting me life back on track!!
I'm watching Sugar Rush at the moment lol! What a life. Seriously right Kim has an obsession with Sugar her best mate, her mum's a alcoholic slag and her dad well he's just a right goody two shoes.
Fucking hell my specialty fucked up families and fucked up relationships!
Becca managed to sort it out and get with Ian, Jax managed to sort it out and get with Nick, so I have a chance and every time I walk away from Chris I get that little bit stronger and every day I become a little bit more aware (exception of yesterday when I had a drink)! Stupid I know but I'm not slipping back into my old ways and I am going to get stronger.
One step at a time!
I can't function at the moment.
I'll write soon when I know a little bit more ....

Thursday, 18 November 2010

In bed with the flu :(

God it is soooooo shit being ill! It was sort of inevitable I have used and abused my body so much in the last couple of months I'm lucky that I haven't got anything till now.

I just hate the fact that being ill means you have to stop, you can't keep running around all over the place like a crazy person. Not to mention when I stop I crash.
It's like if i stop to take a breath everything hits me!

All the shit that's happened over the last few months hits me and I can't cope.
I just feel so alone and I know I've got great mates and stuff but when I'm ill I'm just home alone and I'm never allowed any one round because me flat mate hates every one and doesn't like me having people round so even tho I'm ill I'm going to have to go out! Happy days!

God I can't wait to move out of Hove I hate living here.

Not to mention I've got to write a letter to me dad and I'm dreading it.

God I really do hate my fucking life, I wish so much I had to guts to end it all.
Just the idea of making it through tomo makes me feel exhausted I just feel like I don't want to have to carry on everything's just too much!
I can't function at the moment so maybe I'll just leave it there for now and just write again when I don't feel so much like death!!!

peace xx

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Fucked up...

Yeah it is fucked up, so much is so fucking fucked up.
I've got a mix of feelings today, part of me feels angry, part of me feels sad and there's also a part of me that has a sense of relief and a feeling of being strong.

I was flicking through a magazine yesterday in the young peoples Center with me mate Tanya and it made me so cross just every page was an insult to celebrities that have gained weight or are having a bit of a bad hair day or there's a peak of cellulite on display.
If isn't that then it's some crap like should Lindsey Lohan have gone to prison?! I mean it's fucked up just because she's famous if you commit a crime it doesn't matter who you are you should get the same punishment and that's that.
At the end of the day that sums it up really we are from living in a world of equality and as far as sexism goes it's sky high!
I say bullshit. I will not be dragged down with it!

Any how I slipped again, I slept with Chris 2 days ago. He was sober (for like the 1st time ever) and it was like the Chris that I wanted, no accusations, no violence, no bullying, we just sat and cuddled and we actually had a normal conversation and no rows.
I knew then that, that was the real Chris and that was the Chris I wanted to be with. But hey nothing lasts forever and at a bout 1.30am he was drunk again and it was back to the way it always was.
The abusiveness, the accusations and the bullshit.
I can honestly say now that's it. I saw a glimpse of the Chris I wanted but a few hours later he was gone and I know deep down he ain't coming back and I refuse to live my life praying and hoping one day that Chris will come back and stay.
So there we go I haven't rung him, I haven't text him, I've blanked him when I saw him 3 times yesterday and I know that it has to be over for good this time!

I'm hopefully viewing a flat later in New haven, it's all starting to feel real now I'm going to move away and get better. Get away from the chaos!
Oh it gets better Emma (as in Carl and Emma) has decided to start threatening me lol bullshit.
I can see with all these people they've all got one thing in common, they're all addicts and as for her she's addicted to Heroin and she speaks so much shit it's just ridiculous.
I know no that the only people out of all of them when I move that I'm going to stay in touch with when I'm gone is Lisa and Ian cuz they're the only 2 that are actually nice people and don't chat shit!
Any how will update more later because got to shoot out!

Mucho loving!!

Thursday, 11 November 2010

The early hours of friday! Learning to be strong!

So it's 4am and I just got in from clubbing.
Well most people who go clubbing would probably just go home to sleep but hey I'm not most people and I'm not pissed obviously!
So here I am day 2 of no sex! Day 1 of not having seen Chris.
It isn't easy but I did what I wanted to do today, I bought some beads and stuff and started making my jewelery, then I started my Monet drawing and started my 2nd painting.
I met up with Tom and his mates for drinks then went to Oceania clubbing with Emma and Ellie.
Tom decided to come there too a bit later which I knew wouldn't be a good idea.
He was clearly really drunk and he was just being a bit of a dick.
However I took the high ground I had 2 options I could have stood there and had a massive row with him and cause a massive drama and probably end up getting kicked out or walk away and go and dance with me mates and have fun! You know that's exactly what I did.
I walked away!
I'm through with all the bullshit.
I think slowly I'm beginning to believe that I am better than this and I don't deserve to be treated like shit!
So you want to know a bout the Chris situation...
Well I wish I could say I hadn't spoke to him but I had. In fact I thought it was a bout time he knew what it was like to be left waiting! So I rung him and said I was going to come over (even though I had no intention of doing so).
So I rung him when I left me pad to go meet Tom and the boys to say I was on me way and that I'd be there in 10 mins or so.
Well I never got a call or a text (mind you I have blocked his number). So I went out with him sitting at home thinking I was going to go round. Bullshit.
See 2 can play at that game.
I'm not going back to Chris I'm not sure how many times I've said that but this time I mean it.
I know the more time that goes by the easier it'll get.
At the moment it feels so hard cuz it's only been like 1 day without seeing him but I'm determined to get better!

Ellie and her ex boyfriend of 2 years was having plenty of dramas in the club and I suppose it's weird to think that to other people that's how my dramas probably come across, it's weird because very rarely is there a drama that I'm not involved in and tonight there was and it felt good for it not to be one of mine!

My new productive optimistic outlook in life (well not quite but I'll get there in time).
I know that there's still so much shit I gotta do but tell you what I'll stop at nothing, I will get there!
Peace out.
Love love love

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Going cold Turkey!

So here I am, at home, in bed alone.
You know it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would, don't get me wrong I am craving sex and love like mad but it just doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would!
So Chris got let off on bail (again) and as usual I went crawling back to him as always.
Any how he treats me like shit and after I went round to Phil's tonight and he just completely ignored me.
So as I walked away from there I felt cross, I felt like crying but most of all the thoughts going through my head were that's it!
I mean it I don't want to live a life like this any more.
I've got a sponser now through SLAA and I know that I can get through this and I will!
I know it's going to be so fucking hard.
I've re blocked his number and blocked all texts from him and I know that I just need to be strong.
I know that I don't deserve to be treated like this and I know I don't want to be living a life like this.
So as the tittle says I'm going "cold turkey"!
I am so aware this is not going to be an easy ride but I need distractions, I need things in my life to stop me thinking.
So tomo I'm going to do some art, reading and colouring, I'm going out with Tom in the evening and his mates so that gets me away for a bit!
I've got to meet Kate Friday and see nan and then I'm going out with Alex Friday evening.
That's what I need distractions. I know that with addictions the 1st 48 hours are the hardest but I'll do it.
If i can just get through 48 hours with no contact I'll start to feel a lot better!
I'm just fucking praying for any one to get me out of this mess.
I'm up to my eye balls in debt!
I don't want to go back on the game but I don't think I have much of a choice cuz I'm so skinto and I just can't afford to eat or pay me bills or swim or pay for me art stuff or anything!
I don't want to but hey beggars can't be choosers!
Peace out
love love love

Monday, 8 November 2010

for better, for worse, for love and for hate, for life or death.

Why do I have to have the worst fucking taste in men!
Chris got arrested yesterday for smashing up a shop or something like that. He hasn't been released and he's due in court tomo which I'm guessing he's going to get sentenced.
Now this is the really fucked up part. I've been saying for months I want him to go to jail and it's like now that it's actually happening it's as if I feel like how will I cope. Partly because he's my addiction and I just feel like how will I cope without him to feed off anymore.
I suppose deep down I know that if he goes down for at least 3 months I'll be gone (moved out of Hove) and I'll probably never see him again. I know that's for the best but there's still that little part of me that feels disappointed.
I know there's nothing else I could have done, but I just wanted so much to get him off the drink and I'd been trying to sort him out for months and I knew it wasn't going to happen deep down, but there's still that part of me that feels ashamed of myself for not doing more, even though I know really there wasn't anything more I could do.
It's just my fucked up patterns.
I know I'll get through this I just have to be strong and keep fighting to get well.
It's just tough because even though Chris was pretty much one of the worst boyfriends I ever had, there's still the good times that we had together. There wasn't many but just little things, like the way he used to really cuddle me when I cried, and the way he'd hold my hand.
The one time that will just not leave my head is that time he begged me for a bout 4/5 hours to take him back round Phil's and I just sat there saying no fucking way and then eventually I cracked and I agreed to give him one last chance.
It was that night that we proper made love for the 1st time, it just felt so right it felt so real and alive. You know just the passionate kissing and the way he just looked into my eyes if only I could get that fucking look out of my fucking head.
Just the way he looked at me, I genuinely believed that night he truly loved me. We really did make love like I never have before.
Fuck him after that the sex just went back to the way it was before and I knew already that I'd lost him forever!
One of my weak points - letting go.
I wanted so much to get back to that place we went that night but I should have known it was a one off.
Part of me questions now whether Chris did ever really love me or if it was all just the need to feel loved and wanted.
I did love him, I was always at his beck and call, if you look at it really he just wanted a little woman who will be there when it's convenient for him!
God damn it why did I ever get involved, Gary would have never have done this to me!
Fuck it, not like I can do fuck all now.
It's over and as fucking hard as it's going to be I will get through this. After all I've got over Barney, Simon, Mark, Tony, Sean, Dan, Danny and you know the rest of the cunts who fucked my head up.
God I really do have the worst taste in men.
Right that's me done, I'm falling asleep!
Will re post again with more drama soon
Peace out!

Saturday, 6 November 2010

I will get there in the end!

Wow life really is a bitch,

as for Chris and his stupid little mate Ian they're pathetic, at least I can admit I have problems.
Any how at least Jax is there for me when I need her. I think to myself if it wasn't for her I'd been standing here dead.
Things are tough but I went to my sex and love addicts anonymous meeting today and I've been clean 6 days today. It's so hard you know when I'm sitting in bed alone at night and thoughts start running through my head and this stab of loneliness kicks in and my mind starts playing tricks on me.
I was thinking a couple of days ago a bout the promise I made to Charlie and how I promised him I'd stop dating and sleeping with all these stupid men because he said I was too good for all of them. I don't really have much self confidence and I won't deny that I'm insecure because I am.
I never thought I was one of them girls who goes out tarted up, with tonnes of make up on speaking loudly and flirting outrageously to get attention, but turns out I am one of them girls.
I don't want to be the girl that every one gets fed up with because she's constantly with the wrong man and lets him walk all over her.
That ain't me, not really. I used to be the girl who dated men with nice cars, flash jobs and who would take me out and pay for everything. I mean come on I'm the girl who used to drag men round the shops and bleed them dry.
The girl who never gave a shit a bout how many hearts I broke, and some how I've gone from one extreme to the other. I've started dating boys who like to drink and fight all day, boys who take everything and give nothing.
It's funny isn't it really Chris doesn't want me, he wants a convenience. He wants to see me when it's convenient for him, he wants sex when he wants it, he wants me to be his girlfriend but only on his terms.
There you go there's alarm bells going off in my head! Chris is exactly like my fucking father, the only difference is daddy didn't drink like a fish or beat people up. Personality wise though exactly the same. So what does that tell you!!!!
This is how it is, Chris dated Maria she was a lot older than him and she basically brain washed him into being what she wanted him to be and do what she wanted him to do and then of course when it all went tits up and she'd had enough of him she left him just like everyone who ever loved him has. So Chris ended up doing what every person would do who'd been in that situation.
He found someone younger than him and turned into her.
He knew all the controlling fucked up tricks because he was taught oh so well! I am nothing more to Chris than revenge and anger on his behalf. Except he pushed it too far because I'm not one of his crazy ex's who will just take shit loads of drugs, get pissed, have a baby and go stab someone.
When I get revenge it is sweet oh so fucking sweet!
And just like Chris I don't stop at nothing!!
I will update again soon. Got a few little things to sort out 1st!

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


By the title, for any stupid people I'm being irronic!
I am fed fucking up with people and their perfect fucking lives!
I am fed fucking up with people constantly judging me they can all just FUCK OFF!!
I don't actually mean that, I'm just so fucking mad right now!
I'm fucking furious with myself for constantly taking Chris back and for him to just let me down over and over a fucking gain, I don't even want him for fuck sake the only fucking reason I stay with him is cuz I don't want any one else to fucking have him, not that any one else would want him anyhow.
It's so hard for me to just walk the fuck away and I know that I have to.
I know nothings going to change and I don't fucking want it!
Sure when he's sober and we're alone he's sweet and it's great but I'm not going to fucking live for those fucking rare occasions. He's never going to fucking change and I'm done with it, I'm fucking exausted!
Ian wrote to me from prison yesterday, it's fucked up, I've been so besoted with Chris I forgot a bout Ian!
I just want to get the fuck away from all this, I want my fucking life back!
I'm fed up with everyone around me having fucking happy loved up relationships, it makes me feel physically sick when people walk a round all fucking smug, just FUCK OFF!

I'm fed fucking up with the amount of fucking questions people keep asking me, I don't want to answer any more fucking questions I just want to get fucking better!

Had a fight with Becca a bout her stupid hair straighters today, God I so wanted to get up and scream in her fucking face the way she just picks at every little thing. You know sometimes I think that I may be going mad. Today though I just felt angry and disgusted, shouting at me 1st thing in the morning for using her straightners without asking and then standing over me shouting at me, I swear sometimes I just wonder what goes round in her fucking head, I'm so close to the fucking edge and the more stressed I get the closer to the edge I get and funnily enough someone screaming at me for using their hairstraighners just makes me think fucking hell FUCK OFF!
Can't deal with this shit no more, not everyones living in a fucking loved up bubble like her and Ian, I know we'll never be the same but after all the shit I've been through I think to myself either she's just in denial or fucked up.
Well I ain't coming up mums no more cuz she stresses me out to the limit!
I'll have to find somewhere else to stay till I move to Newhaven.
My head is spinning and I feel like I need to do something dangourous to feel a live again!
I feel like I'm a dead person walking around waiting for someone to kill me!
When will I begin to feel fucking better again, when will I begin to feel alive again!
Peace out
love love love

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Fuck me 8 weeks till Christmas and also halloween!

Oh fucking dear!
Lol not sure if I should say that.
Not sure what to think or say.
Why do I seem to be so good at fucking up. More than anything right now I want to leave. It seems like the only thing left to do.
I started SLAA yesterday (Sex and love addicts anonymous).
I didn't get there till 1pm, I was meant to be there at 12.30pm but leaving the house seemed like such a scary thing and actually admitting I'm a sex and love addict is so fucking scary.
For people who aren't addicts it's impossible for them to really understand what its like to live a life where sex is replaced with the lack of love and there's a permanent desperate need to be surrounded by men and have all the attention on me. That's the addiction here.
It really is. I feed on the high that I get from the attention from men and I feed on how I feel when I'm sleeping with a man and he's deep inside me and how I just get lost in the sex when were so close we couldn't get any closer and that sense of satisfaction I get when I'm naked and so is he and our bodies are touching and our breath is slower and longer and how complete and warm I feel when we're making love.
Except with every addiction there's a come down. I'm so high and yet when it's over I sink, I sink into this low place of depression as if I'm stuck underground and I'm trying to climb back up and my hands just slide back down the walls and I can't get back up.
It's the same with all my addictions. It was the same with the drinking, I was so high when I was drinking I felt cool, confident and so fucking high and yet there would always be that come down and I'd just sink back into depression and I'd just want to continue getting to that place of feeling on top of the world.
I did it with shopping too. I used to get a major high whilst I was going round the shops buying more and more and I'd have bought all these amazing items and I was buzzing. Yet I'd get home and I'd be sitting surrounded by all these bags full of clothes and shoes and whatever else I'd bought and I'd get this pang of guilt in my stomach and I didn't want to clothes anymore I'd just sink into a depressed state because it was over and I wanted to get back to that place of being high and I just couldn't.
I don't want to be alone any more with my addiction I want to be with people who understand what its like to feel how I feel.
It sounds so fucked up the way I crave for sex and attention and then I need more and so I just go from guy to guy and as harsh and as nasty as it may sound I never give a shit how many men I hurt on the way, I spend so much time chasing men and then I get them and it's like then I have to move onto another one because he isn't a challenge anymore.
The thought of not being like that anymore scares the shit out of me because I've been carrying it around for years and it's like now I'm going to try and heal and get healthy cuz I don't want to live my life in suspense anymore.
I want to have a loving healthy relationship and I will one day as long as I just stick to the programme. I know i've got a long way to go but I will get there!
peace out lovers

Monday, 25 October 2010

Just another manic monday... 25th October.

So the weather has begun to to change, its fresh and very cold, the leaves have all started to drop and are all crispy, orangeie, reds, browns and yellows. It's gawjuss, and I think I can safely say autumn has arrived. Time to get out thick coats, gloves, hats and scarves as winter is on its way.
So here I am back in Brighton and not only is it the end of the season its also the end of an era.
The end of the dramas and the heart ache, the pain and the being left in suspence of what may happen next and whether I will make it through alive or not.
It's all finished.
I went away and I went back and revisited all the hurt right back from the beggining when I was a little Elle. I let my heart feel the same feelings they have been recently but back when that 1st feeling ever occoured. I let me heart break and I let myself cry into the arms of my RC lovers and to let myself get so cross that I was litrally shaking and sweating.
So I fought back I can't get back the past but I can change my future and other peoples future.

It seems like a long time ago that I was sectioned and put into a police cell for 7 hours, it seems like a long time ago that I had feelings for Chris.
The anger towards him has gone, the heart ache for him is fading.
I know there's still along way to go, but I just need to keep being persistant. I'm going to continue with RC, I'm going to get my phyciatric nurse and im going to start my support groups on sex and relationships addicts anoynamous.
I feel so much calmer and everything is going to be ok and finally I'm fighting back and I never thought I would this time!!

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Tuesday 19th October

Fucking hell!!
I really do feel like I am in hell!!
I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. Confused, sad, stressed, angry!
Chris overdosed and is currently in intensive care, well he was, he may not be anymore.
I said goodbye to him last night forever, still feel sick though.
I haven't eaten in 2 days now and I relapsed yesterday afternoon I drunk vodka and orange. It's not like me to relapse but I had Ian telling me he loved me and I just kept thinking of all the things me and Chris ever said to each other.
It's crazy but I kept re reading the texts he ever sent over and over again.
I brought myself to delete them. I have to admit that I did keep a couple of voice mails from him that I go to sleep listening to at night over and over.
I know he'll pull through but I can't ever see him again and I know it won't be good for either of us if we did.
It doesn't stop me loving him though. It would be so much easier if I could just hate him.
It's just so fucked up I know I'll get through it cuz I'm strong and as much as there have been times when I've wanted to just give up I know that I can't!
It's just I'm struggling to get me head round it, everything just keeps going round and round in my head and I'm left feeling insane and nutty and more than anything confused!
The last few months have just gone so quickly I find myself trying to catch my breath!
Time out

Monday, 11 October 2010

FUCKING MONDAYS! 11th october.

Currently in the middle of a sugar fix!
God damn it why do I always fall for the wrong fucking men??

I seriously need to turn me life around, have no idea but I don't have a clue where to begin, but I know for a fact that I can't live like this!!!

I feel like I've been like an actress over the last few months, constantly seeing Chris on and off, for him to sit a round telling me he loves me, well as every one knows actions speak louder than words.
According to MR Levi love is when you sit there and drink a beer and refusing to cuddle me, watching some shitty crime programme and turning down a fucking blow job!
Oh lets not forget the time where he tried to break my arm, threw rocks at me and tells me every day that I'm a fat ugly cunt. Well if that's love then he can keep it.
It isn't easy trying to live 3 different lives, permanently on an act a round Chris!
Not to mention I thought it would be a good idea to become a prostitute and clearly fuck my head up that little bit more.
So what do I do? I take the easy option!
I lay on the train tracks at Shoreham station and waited to be killed. That's how I met JR, he dragged me off the tracks. He basically saved me life! As for Chris he said next time he'll chain me to the gate and then I'll definitely die! Like I said if that's love then he can keep it!

So time to turn me life a round!
Well I guess this has been good research! How low one stupid pretentious little prick that is no where near a man, more like a little rat goes to show that his only true love in life is drink and to be honest I may not be pretty, skinny and tall but at least I can honestly hold up me hands and say I ain't drunk for 3.5 years and at least I can say this is who I am and if people like it or not I am me, and your lucky if you ever get to meet the real me cuz not many people have.
Any how I've got to finish my research and then hopefully all of it will come together in the end.

As for men I act naive, I act ditsy and dim but in actual fact it is just an act and the thing is what the stupid prick doesn't realize is I'm going to make him pay for what he's done to me, or at least what he thinks he's done to me and it will be the best revenge so far ... ha ha ha NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A TRUE BLOND SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 30 September 2010

Thursday 30th September!!

Some one please tell me where September went because I can't really remember what I've achieved this month.
I can't exactly remember where I left off so I'll just start off from whats been going on in my mental world.
Well me being clearly the smartest chic in Town let Chris and his mate Ian (recently been released from jail).
So me being me, a spineless whose I let them both stay. I may just add before I reveal this that I never planned for this to happen and it really was just one of those things that just "happened".

We was all lying in bed (me in the middle) and it sort of hit me I was lying in bed with 2 boys either side of full of testosterone. It was impossible for me not to get excited. So my excitement let to horniness. (Always dangerous), I'm ashamed to say it but yes I did sleep with both of them, so even though I've always said I was never fussed a bout a 3 sum I had one. I won't lie I fucking loved it, attention and sexual pleasure from two guys at once it was to die for...

Any how so the next day I'm beginning to feel like a dirty whore and getting stressed a bout money and all that.
So I get through another day and I didn't intentionally do it, but I had a head ache and I was upset and I was just there on the floor searching for pain killers in the medicine box and before I knew it I'd taken 2 packets.
Just for a moment or 2 I just didn't want to think anymore, I didn't want to worry any more, I didn't want to be depressed any more.
I panicked, Text Rob and good old Rob come over, called an ambulance and stayed with me till 6am when they finally let me home!
I do feel like a twat, but whats done is done, and I will get through this no matter what.
That's all I'm going to say for today.
However watch out for the next update from my nutty fingers because I very much dobut there won't be no drama in the next few weeks so keep watching out
Peace out

Monday, 20 September 2010

Monday 20th... falling to bits!

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
I just feel like I've been so naive and stupid.
I can't believe I even fell for Ricky's lies and promises. I just feel so stupid, in fact the last time I felt like this was all the shit with Mark, I was just so blind and stupid and instead of being smart and using my brain I used my heart and let myself become vulnerable and stupid.
Sweet talk and that's all it is, sweet talk. I feel numb I wish I could cry or scream but nothing. I just get nothing just this horrible ache in my gut which is a sign that I've been so fucking stupid.

Can I run away? I don't even want to do that I just want to see me sister and for her to tell me that it's going to be OK cuz right now it doesn't feel like it will be.
I wish I could go back and just change everything. I wish I'd never started talking to Gary that day after work and I don't care if Gary had done some bad shit never did he lay a finger on me, never did he steel off me, never did he threaten me not even as a joke.
He loved me and maybe if he hadn't have been homeless or a drinker we could have been together and ARGHHHHHHHH it's just so fucking frustrating thinking a bout it!
Part of me is just mad for him for leaving me in the mess that he did knowing that I loved him. Will he come back? And even if he does will everything be the same will he constantly keep going or will he stay for good??
I miss him and its just one of them things that he left me just like Jay and all the rest and I'm so exhausted from constantly being left!
Fuck just watching the ending of "confessions of a shopaholic" and it's such a great movie but Becca gets Luke in the end and it's all fabulous.
When will I get my Prince Charming does he exist or am I just meant to be alone forever.
I want so desperately to get the fairytale ending.
Hmmm this calls for a new project...
This one is going to be a bout real life happy endings and what really happens after Prince Charming and his Bride ride off into the sunset!
Peace out ...

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Sunday 19th September ARGHHHHHHHH!!

Oh my Fucking God!
I feel like I may just be going crazy!!
Seriously someone please send me to a mental home cuz right now I feel like I'm in serious need of it.
Met Martin for the 1st time today and it was great and then just later it got the more restless and agitated I got. What is wrong with me? I finally meet someone who's generally sorted and who loves and cares a bout me and I just freak out.
As stupid as this may sound I think I had stronger feelings for "Diesel" than I thought, and then I was thinking a bout Jay again and I just tried to sleep with him and I couldn' t.
Well I haven't been like that since that guy that I met in the pub when I was out with John around Christmas time. Its ridiculous with him I knew I was going to take him home even knowing that he virtually had a wife and 2 kids and I just was naked and then I just couldn't do it. I felt like how a bloke probably feels when they're with a really sexy girl and they just go soft, that's how I feel (except like without the whole cock business).
Its weird how the world works sometimes.
All I want more than anything right now is to just move house and get a fucking job and instead I just spend me days chasing boys that are clearly no good for me.
I know that deep down I'm just scared. I crave so much for love and then when I actually get it I run away.
Why are we all so desperate to be loved and so eager to just push it away when we find it?
I feel so confused. Or fucked up or even both arghhhhhhhh!!!
I even went clubbing alone yesterday after feeling ridiculously fed up with sitting in and looking at all the stupid half packed boxes. Can someone come and live my life for a bit for me so I can go into hibernation until I feel sain enough to face the world again.
I've just been doing constant research too and now I'm just so fed up.
I've slept with 7 guys this year and I feel dirty and it's strange it doesn't seem to matter how hard I scrub in the shower or bath I still feel dirty!
I just keep looking a round and seeing all these couples that seem perfect but behind closed doors not all of them are that great. Its easy to act for the public eye, after all I'm a fucking pro at it.
As much as it sometimes kills me to say this out loud or put it pen to paper however happily married or happy couples are there's always a dark secret.
Now when it comes to men they're not really that great at hiding it, its strange how when men come to committing adultery if they don't come home to find all their possessions burnt or cut to shreds and beat black and blue with pots and pans, doesn't mean us ladies don't know. We usually let it slide because revenge is sweet and if you think she doesn't know, I'll tell you now SHE DOES! The difference is woman rule the world and we like to play the game as much as you men, the only difference is when we get revenge we make sure you've got nothing left to live for. Funny though seeing as men continue to cheat. My advice if your a cheating wanker don't ever get married or have kids, it's not worth the pain you'll get until you die!
As for woman, now we ain't stupid we know exactly how to cheat and get away with it.
Either way woman rule the world so we'll always win one way or another so men should really just give up now, but hey ho we all gotta get out kicks from something!!
Just a little tip for the ladies if you've never read the book called "how to kill your husband and get away with it" I suggest you do ASAP.
Any how so I haven't really come to the conclusion of how to sort out this fucked up mess that happens to be my life. So I'll smoke another ciggie, eat some food and sleep on it until there's some sort of light at the end of this tunnel as always till next time have fun and don't do anything that I WOULD so ha ha ha

Monday, 13 September 2010


Oh fucking dear God, well actually I don't believe in God so he can go and fuck himself, and whilst your at it so can every man that exists!
I started dating this guy Diesal AKA "Ricky" and "Jess", we all know what type of guy has 3 different names SMACK HEADS! That sums him up nicely. The only mistake I made was meeting him!
Pathetic, sure I've met a lot of men that talk out their arse but he is by far the biggest bullshitter that I've ever met!!
So we're going out and he's wearing his Jasper Conran 1000 pound suit and I'm thinking how good is this. He's telling me he's got a 9 inch cock and that he's going to look after me and take me places no man has been before. Yeah laugh all you want but for some stupid lustful reason I believed him!
Well surprise surprise it never happened like that and it was all lies.
Well this is just ridiculous when he decided to ring the police on for me cuz I wanted to get me stuff back!
Well I got my stuff back and then that's it!
I wash my hands on men forever. Do I sound dramatic? Well maybe I am but fuck it how much shit can one person take from a man that promises you the world and leaves you with nothing.
All I wanted is to be loved and where did that get me? Feeling dreadful!!

Any how so besides all that shit I bought cosmopolitan for a bit of research time always my favorite time. Especially cuz I haven't done research cuz I've been pissing a bout chasing good for nothing men!
Any how haven't actually read it cover to cover but apparently I like exciting sex and I should try to get more intimate with guys ha ha that's a joke why would I want to do something like that?
So just by getting this magazine I realize what a sexist world we still live in. Asking men how many guys is acceptable for a woman to sleep with and if they've slept with over a certain amount then they're not interested I mean HELLO fuck off!
I was actually feeling disgusted by that.
Then there's the "BIG O" which stands for Orgasm which you already guessed and giving all this sex advice that I'm pretty certain the majority of woman already know. It's like please give us girlie s a break its them men it should be directed at not us ladies!!

Oh right "10 sexy ways to go green" in brief one is having a shower with your man (urm and if your single....), 2 is organic lingerie apparently feels a lot nicer (and twice the price) 3 switch off the lights when you have sex (we fucking do that anyhow), 4 instead of straghting or curling your hair just get up looking like a tramp (oh yes the look I really want to go for) 5 stop tumble drying (who actually has them these days any how not when your 21 and don't live your 'rents) 6 wait longer to turn the heating on snuggle up to your man (no its fine cuz if your fucking with someone then I guess it's fine but if your SINGLE then your fucked arn't you) 7 stop buying books become a geek and go to the libary (yeah then pay a stupid fucking fine when you forget to return them great plan) 8 stop using your dishwasher and use your hands (how a bout fuck off) 9 stop driving and reduce petrol (yeah either freeze in the cold waiting for the bus to not get a seat or walk and sweat to death) 10 oh my favourite start using solar-powered vibrator (give me a fucking break).

So in conclusion men are a bunch of wankers who are crap in bed and clearly do not give a shit a bout any one except themselves and magazines are full of expensive shit and celebs that no one will ever look like without surgery and we live in a complete sexist world!
So there we go!
Time now to fuck men (not litrally) get off my arse and get a damn good job so I can buy a hell of a lot new clothes and shoes and look the sex like the old days ;-)

Thursday, 2 September 2010

New month ... surley a new start ha ha not so tru. Thursday 2nd September.

Well usually people write I'm not sure where to start and I'm usually one of these people. Well the obvious answer is to start at the beginning, however if I start at the beginning then you may well just be reading forever.
So my last blog I was on a trip to do research.
Well I didn't really do much research on men but I did have a long talk with Amy and that made me feel a lot better.
I was feeling a lone on the fact that I can't seem to hold down a relationship, a job or money for that matter. I'm guessing the job front and money front are both things relatively easily to achieve but when it comes to relationships I'm 100% mystified!
This dark cloud is sort of attached to my head and it just keeps fucking raining. I don't want to say it but me mum was cursed when it comes to men and so am I!

I always go on a bout how there's something wrong with them but I guess I can't be doing everything to perfection. Who wants to be fucking perfect anyhow. Perfect ain't real and I'm exhausted enough from consistently trying to look good in case I bump into an ex (yes does happen on a daily basis).
Bex and Iain had their one year anniversary today and the more time goes by the more I feel like I'm losing my grip! It just takes a few minutes to look around the City to see that is surrounded by stupid happy couples. On the bus, at the bus stop, in bars, clubs, trains, shopping, even the park isn't safe anymore without sickening couples.
Do these people not have any respect for the single people in the world cuz heres something if I'm on a bus (I generally don't want to be on the bus to begin with and usually I get fat smelly people coming to sit next me ewwwwwww). So for couples a word of fucking advice us single people do not want to have to sit behind you on a bus whilst your kissing each others faces off. it is painful and unnecessary.

So instead of going back to big Jame's and his cock being too big and he was a druggie and little james who just was never horny and I can't remember before he came a long it was too long away and I can't even remeber what happened yesterday so lets just say I'm blond by hair and blond by nature!
Any how this is not finished. I haven't even started mentioning chris so to find out more watch this space!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok it is now actually Tuesday so much for writing the next day, hey ho I'm writing now and that's what counts. So as per usual its late, 1.14am actually so technically it is actually Wednesday but lets face it accuracy is not me strongest point.

So Chris.
Where to begin. I'd seen Chris a bout for the last year or so with some older woman and seeing as they was always holding hands I just presumed it was his girlfriend which she was. I'd spoken to Chris once when he was with her and then I never really saw him to talk to at least. That was until he broke up with her and started hanging a round near where I live in Hove with loads of tramps.
To begin with I never really knew him that well I was just a bit concerned a bout him cuz he was slicing his wrists to pieces and was drinking a hell of a lot and hanging out with loads of trampie alcoholics.
I stupidly took it on the responsibility for looking out for him, kind of ended up being a sort of social worker for him and then before I knew it my feelings got involved (always a bad thing with a guy like Chris).
So one thing led to another and he and me ended up going out, we slept together a few times although he hardly ever wanted to which wasn't so great for me but i guess I just kind of put up with it.
He did drive me mad. You've probably noticed I've been writing he did drive me mad and we did sleep together etc. We ain't together anymore. There's only a certain amount of shit one person can take and I was well over the limit with Chris.
I actually don't think he ever really listened to me, he was never really that affectionate even when I cried. I tried so hard to make it work.
After attempting to break my arm (which he still claims as an accident), shouting at me, making me cry, stealing off me, letting his supposed trampie mate talk to me like shit on the bottom of his shoe and not stick up for me once how could I possibly continue a relationship with him?

He is once screwed up guy and I hate to say this cuz I hate giving up on people but he's a hopeless case. He's the type of guy that gets girls pregnant and then they get the kid taken off them.
He's the type of guy who lets you down over and over again. Breaks promises, compulsive liar and then after you stop wanting to see them or don't contact them they wonder why.
Well I may not be perfect but I know one thing I don't deserve to be treated like shit.
I am feeling pretty mad right now though. I was so nice to him and I tried so hard to be what he wanted to be and in the end I just started to slip down a slippery slope myself and for me that is always trouble!
It's strange Chris's identical twin brother seems so sorted compared to Chris and it's mad cuz they both had to same up bringing.
Any how at least I can speak to his brother and his brother's girlfriend Stacey they're really nice!
Any how I've written enough a bout that the more I think a bout it the more angry I get!
Fuck it every one knows how to get over an ex is to get another man and that's exactly what I will do! Give it a couple weeks and they'll be someone else.
There always is .
Peace out!

Saturday, 21 August 2010


Well well long time no write!
I finally have my laptop back and as you can see it is working HALLULIA!!
So I beleive last time I wrote I'd met that guy James, suprise, suprise it didn't work out!
Let me see I wasn't to impressed that he was 35 and turns out he lives like a student. IE takes loads of drugs and is a total piss head. Also I may add in the light he didn't look so cute either.
Not to mention he had an 8.5 inch cock, meausred by yours truely. I couldn't be dealing with a cock that big I swear he injured me with that. What can I say my vagina mucsels are too tight for something that big. Jesus I'm happy with a 5 inch cock.
So there we go it ended.
So I was getting more and more frustrated a bout the fact that men was just bullshit. Until I met Owen.
Well Owen rung me by mistake wrong number and all that but i decided to continue chatting to him seeing as he was 27 and lived in Brighton. I even met up with him and his mate. Well that was until I realised he was so boring which kind of make me understand why he's still single. Not even saying that he clearly loved himself and I'm not exactly sure why because he couldn't dress and he wasn't exactly Mr.stunning.
So got rid of him!
Ha and then I met TeeJay he was cute, met him outside the job centre (not cool). Any how he was cute and seemed ok, and he was only 24 so I thought hey maybe this could go somewhere, until he dragged me back to his mates flat and just got stoned and wanted to do coke etc and so then I was like cya later.
Jesus are there any normal men out there in the world!!??
Any how, I'm out tonight to do some research so watch out for next blog see what I come up with...

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Saturday 7th August aka pride!

Wow so been a while since I have entertained you great people with my latest shinagans.
So I've been up and down I guess as usual. Recently though let me see...
3.30am I get a phone call from the one and only James!
After he broke my heart and moved to Wales he has the cheek to ring me up a 3.30am and ask for a shag because he's back in Brighton for a couple of days!
I couldn't actually believe that he could be that fucking insensitve.
Hey ho though it's not like me just to settle being treated like an object. So I decided to tell him I was pregnant and the baby was his. Ha ha you should have heard him he absolutly shit himself. Think I taught him a valuable lesson though!

Oh and then Danny emails me thru face book telling me he really wish he'd slept with me!
(Yeah that's right ladies and gentlemen the guy who used and abused me wishing myself dead).
So not only did he ask me I was "up for a shag" it turns out he has a girlfriend too. What a scumbag.

I'm begining to freak out a bout how shitty my taste in men is. Well that was of course until I decided enough was enough and no longer did I need a man and I can assure you I certainly didn't want one!
So I'm out last night with Amy and the girls and I get talking to this guy James (not a good name in the respect my last ex who was a total wanker had the same name but all the same I stayed and talked).
We talked for hours and he actually seems really nice. So I let my guard down a bit and agreed to go for lunch with him monday.
Big step for me to even considering trusting men again.
I suppose at the same time though I don't want to be bitter!
Any how so I've agreed to meet him but my eyes are wide open this time and I will not be repeating history. Afterall we all deep down history is a load of bollox and who actually learnt from it?
We all claim that we have but if we really have learnt from the past then how come we're still meeting and dating the same people but with just different names!?
This is beyond history this is a bout insecurities, pressure and our patterns. It doesn't matter how much we deny it every one has their patterns and until we learn to crack them we will continue to make the same mistakes over and over!

This is where I put my foot down!
I gave up drinking at 18 I destroyed that pattern back 3.5 years ago, so now I feel head strong enough to break my patterns with men!

I really should dedicate this blog to my father who really is beyond fucked up. When he pops the clogs the only this he'll ever have to show for his life is his messy patterns that he was to stubborn to even admit he has. So heres to you dad, for never being there when I needed you and continuosly letting me down year after year. This drinks on you!!!

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Wednesday 27th July ... at Jax place!!

Oh my days!
How come woman don't get any respect for really putting themselves out there?
I tell you what to go out and approach a guy who you like the look of whether your at a bar, or a club or a coffee shop or wherever. It isn't an easy thing to do and I don't know a bout any one else but I am officially not impressed with mens attitudes right now!
Firstly last wednesday night me and Emma and Amy went out for drinks and to be honest there wasn't exactly any cute guys chatting up in Pitcher and Pianos. Then we made it to Varsitys and that was completly dead. So Amy left and me and Emma headed to Oceana hoping to have a bit of luck in the male deperment!
Well now when I say luck I don't mean having 3 snogs off 3 different guys, none of which was English and none of which I would say were particuarly good kissers (NOT COOL).
Any how so we had chips on the way back and got to sleep a bout 4am after tea and food!!
Giving it another go the next day me and Emma spend roughly 3 hours getting ready to go out. Had a few drinks, went along to Varsitys ha and then that's when Emma ended up getting off with Greg.
I honestly was relieved to have no more stalkers for the time being until he turned up trashed and lied a bout who he was and then when me and Emz walked off he followed us oh dear STALKER!! Any how we ran off an manged to get away from him. Don't worry I did set him straight the next day, I won't be hearing from him any more.
So we go down to Coalition and the music was propa hot (shame a bout the BOYS). I say boys because thats pretty much what the majority of them were. I'm actally suprised if they even had any facial hair. So that was that no sex for me thursday either GOD DAMN IT!

Ok you know that was pretty shit but you know I know sex and a relationship isn't going to land at my feet so I don't let a few little hichups hit me down.
So I'm walking down the Street from Tesco Express and I'm almost certain he was checking me out, he did cross over the road though like to the other side of the road from me. Any how I thought fuck it what have I got to lose, so I called across the road have you got a lighter. It's not that easy to start a conversation with someone these days especially walking down the Street. He was like No I don't smoke and carried on walking so I was like fuck you then mate (in my head of course).

So I'm down London Road after meeting Kevin for coffee and I see this guy near the Level park and I was so certain he was eyeing me up any how he sat down on this bench so I thought maybe he wants me to go over and talk to him. So I went up and asked him for a lighter and he was like no I don't smoke God damn it. I was like why you sitting on a broken bench. So he goes I'm waiting for someone so I left feeling half annoyed and half relived cuz up close he was a bit of a minger really.

Yet another day, I'm up Sainsburys. Partly because I have a major crush on the security gaurd and I wanted to give him my number (he never got in contact cunt).
Any how so I'm down the ice cream section umming and arghing over whether I should get a ben and jerrys ice cream. I saw this guy giving me a bit of an odd look. I didn't think much of it until i went down the bread isle and he followed me. Then he followed me down the cake isle and like he left the cake isle and then came back and so when I got in the kiosk que he kept looking at me and by this point I was thinking he's quite cute maybe I should talk to him. Any how so I hung around for a bit outside waiting for him to come out.
When he finally did he was sort of standing near me but he wasnt coming over and then he started to walk down the hill and so i walked down the hill on the other side to the bus stop. He crossed the Road and stopped so as usual I was like can I have a lighter. He was like no I don't smoke. By this point I'm thinking jesus is there any guys left out there that smoke. Apparently not.
Any how I started to walk off and then I turned around and like I go you alright and he was like yeah just admiring the view. I.e my arse. I was like oh right thought you was gay and he said no way not like the way ive been looking at them meaning my tits.
He kept walking back and forth and I was just thinking not only is he a total twat for saying that and acting like that he's clearly a stalker.

So I'm round Jax house and Becca's over acting like her usual self. I wish she would just back off. Telling me how I should and shouldn't act around Callum it does my head in the way she always thinks she's right!
She ain't the one that got woke up at 5.30am.
Jesus thank God I'm going out tonight I need it!
Catch you soon, just to chat sincerly yours
this is Elle
(ha ha been listening to Eminem Stan too much hee hee)!

Monday, 19 July 2010

Just another manic monday, wish it was sunday.. Gotta love the Bangles...

Exscuse me! Need to get that out of my system, I'm way passed the stage of pissed off now I am ANGRY!!!!!!!! I officially have NO money, I have no boyfriend, no job and no date, what the fuck is going on?? No man, seriously right now I feel as if the world might be lacking in men, I'm particuarly fed up with fucking couples who are ALL beggining to do my head in! For example two foreigners sitting in front of me on the bus chewing each others faces off! Has no one ever told people that for one it's a fucking public face and for 2 not to rub my nose right in it when I am single and very cross!
What is wrong with all the stupid couples in the world it's actually doing my head in!
I just feel like when people get to the compfy stage of their relationship and they just decide that they're not going to go out and have fun with any of their mates anymore and just sit in like goons. Please someone pass me the sick bucket!!
I'm dobuting that I didn't get the job at the hotel cuz they never rung me and then when I rung them she never rung me back so heres to them they can stick their job up their arse!!!!!!!!!!!
Me being me I can't work for arseholes any how!
Right that's it I'm going back on the net cuz clearly everyone in bars and clubs are total twats with bad dress sense and no personality!!!
Time to leave this City yet?????????
Hmm maybe!

Monday, 12 July 2010

Breaking down on a manic monday...

How shit am I feeling, actually I'm beyond shit!
Nans still in the hospital surrounded by crazy old ladies, it isn't any suprise she's confussed, fuck me I come out of that place feeling confussed (yes more confussed than usual).
God I can't wait for her to get home! The nurses pissed me off big time yesterday they was all like well you can't sit on the patience bed I felt like saying urm fuck off it's my nan and i'll sit her if i like, although I managed to hold me tounge. Oh and then at 5pm they was like you've got to go and I felt smacking that stupid cow across the face!
Any how got up at 8am today fuck me I don't think I've been that early in months. Decided to stay up though, picked up my laptop which is litrally in bits, that made me cross but I didn't scream at the stupid computer geek twat!
I went up to hospital after that and that I met Becca for lunch.
I was very naughty when she left, I treated myself to a new dress from Misselfridge (sale item of course). It is fabulous though worth every penny!
I spoke to James on the phone again today bad idea. I know he's bad for me everyone says it and I just need to believe it!
I'm not convinced he's seeing someone else.
Damn him for being a wanker and damn me for falling for him. Is it possible for me to run away from me yet before I go any loopier!!
I just don't get men you know I can't understand why I can't just meet someone! It's like I'm pretty (well everyone keeps telling me I am least). I have great style, I've got massive tits, I'm great at blowjobs, I'm always up for sex and a good night out, I'm genourous, I like to think I'm kind, I'm witty, I'm good at listening to people's problems, I'm the least boring person I know so WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL SINGLE?????
I am litrally on the verge of giving up altogether I need to get out of this fucking City!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Just another Tuesday- although I do feel like someone has shot me!

Well aparently your life can change in less than a week!
Fucking men, why do I always get sucked in my them??
So I finally make it to the estate agents friday with mum to explain how the housing benifit people are completly and uterly crap!
Any how so we do coffee and then head back up to London Road after convincing mother to spend £97.50 on a new dress, that looked stunning, damn her for having such a good body in her 50's. If I even make it to 50 chances are I'll be obease!
Any how so I saw this guy checking me out so told mum I would be up in a minute. Any how so I started talking to him and he was really cute and he asked for my number I was thinking go me!
Any how so I he was like lets go out tonight so he picked me up from me mums, dropped me home and then later picked me up and we went bowling. We only played the one game and then went and sat up Hove lagoon and then back to mine. After a bout 6 hours of fourplay we finally had sex, twice actually.
The next few days were kind of a bit of a blurgh. We pretty much spent every day together having sex, arguing and kissing etc.
Like everything nothing ever lasts. Slowly it became untangled and things got messy and he broke up with me. I think I cried infront of him for a bout an hour (something I never do under usual circumstances).
So he drove me up me mums and so here I am feeling dreadful.
Oh and so to top it all off my nan might have had a stroke now too. Life is fucking fantastic NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Thursday, 1 July 2010


OK how the fuck did it get to the first of July already, man this is NOT cool. Before long I'm going to be turning 22 and I still have done virtually nothing with my life, God damn it.
So whats going on it the life of Elle?? Well I ended up going out Monday night with the fabulous Amy, we ended up at this Brazilian night. It was actually really quite cool and lucky Amy got hit on by this French dwarf, it was fucking hilerious. Every time we thought we'd lost him, he appeared again ... FREAK!
Martin who's name we've named to Nitram (see if you can work it out) has decided to get back in touch with me. He told me he was in love with me (this is the point I run away screaming). Seriously what the fuck, I haven't even met this guy before. Oh and it gets better, now he wants me to go and spend the weekend at his next weekend and he said he'd spoil me rotton.
Well there's just a few things wrong with that...
1) I've never met him before- so he could be a total minger/phyco.
2) When men say "spoil you" they mean spending the whole weekend in bed and I'm really not in the mood for a weekend full of crap sex.
3) I have serious issues going to the toilet in guys houses... you get what I mean...
4) I still haven't been tested since Wayne the pain, Greggo, Weggo or ash the trash yet.
5) I'd have to drag all my stuff to his house, which involves planning outfits. Mish or what
6) Well I can't really think of a 6 but maybe I just can't be arsed to waste yet another entire weekend.
However do feel free to comment!....
Oh yes how could i forget just as i was thinking life couldn't get much worse Jay.. yes Jay as in the man I'm "supposedly" in love with decides to change bus drivers at London Road to drive the fuckign bus I'm on oh fabulous. I was just getting over him as well, Humph, attempting to anyhow. Why does he have to be so damn fucking cute aye? And another thing why do I have to be so damn Hetrasexual???!!!!
Oh yes I had an appiphany this morning I decided I was going to quit smoking, that was until I went to the stupid housing benifit people today and I ended up speaking to some retarded gay prick who I would have happily punched, now I see why they have those glass panel things in front of their fucking faces. Shame they ain't blacked out, that way I wouldn't have to look at his ugly face!
Fuck this I need a ciggerette!!

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Oh the dramas of a sunday in the heat...

What a fucking day.
I went to see my nan in the morning and haliluia she can hear again I didn't need to shout for her to actually hear me.
Went to Town to pick up Callum- my little monster, and what a day we had...
I won't go into the details of what we did all day the usual going to Tescos playing Jean's garden whilst he ate her out of house and home, what a nightmare.
Any how so it gets later and we go to meet Jax and Nick down the beach to go back to hers for dinner and a movie, that's when the drama begun. He was scooting along down the beach, and then she changes her mind and we go up to the peir instead to meet her.
Any how we get right close to the pier and a poor lady and man fell off their bikes. The lady was ok but the guy wasn't so I went to ring an ambulance and then he didn't want one and was on my phone and I turned around to see that Callum was gone.
I walked up the pier expecting him to be waiting for me, but he wasn't there, immediatly I begun to panic. I rung jax straight away and she started panicing and by the time I met her she was in tears and histerical.
Nick rung the police to report what had happened and they came within a matter of minutes thank God and there was a bout 10, maybe 15 police men looking for him on the pier and along the street.
I was sitting in the police van with her shaking and feeling so awful, I couldn't believe I'd lost my amazing 2 year old nephew. I was so scared I could hardly breath.
To my relief they found him and he had just scooted along all the way to the Odean, which is quite far and lukily some ladies realised he wasn't with anyone and they asked him where his mummy was and the police found him and I was so relieved. I can't explain it. Bless him, Callum didn't even know he was lost, he just thought it was a big adventure!
I don't think I'd shaked so much in my life.
Too much drama for one day.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Yet another shitty thursday...

It's actually Friday now if I was to be accurate cuz it's already past midnight.
I'm up Jacqui's house and she's being a moody cow so decided to be a marter and sleep on the sofa, it's all an exscuse to come on here really and write my blog, but I wasn't going to tell her that.
So I haven't checked in for a while, I really need to get a fucking lap top it's like suicide coming round here or going up mums to actually do something.
Right now I feel like I've hit beyond rock bottom only there's no fucking rope to help me back up and part of me just feels like I want to die, I just sit around at home with my debts floating round my head getting bigger and bigger each day and thinking maybe it would just be better if I died, I feel like my life is going to go absolutly fucking no where.
Tried talkig to mum, but she just doesn't get it, no one does any more and I just kind of get this feeling that every ones patience is running out and I'm just going to die a misurable cow.
swear I think too much.
Can I scream yet? Or would it be better to cry?
It has now been over a week since I've been completly single and I just don't know how long I can do it for, it's so fucking shit being alone and feeling alone. May I just say if one more fucking person moans a bout their relationship with a man/woman I may actually have to kill them... Maybe I'm being insensitive, but all I want is to be in love and when people around me are moaning a bout being in love, I just feel like saying "TRY LIVING MY LIFE"!!!
So I thought I may be pregnant, I had all the signs, I felt sick all the time, dizzy and just in general felt pregnant, anyhow turns out I'm not, part of me feels disapointed, but I guess there's a part of me that feels relieved cuz I don't just want a baby with any old prick. I.E Greggo Weggo, Wayne the pain and certainly not Ash the trash.
Speaking of who, I saw him yesterday.... Wednesday, he went into corals the betting shop and so I did the mature thing and went in to say hi, after all I'm always going to bump into ghosts from the past may as well just fucking aknowlege them, otherwise I'll spend my whole life running away and I can't be arsed with the hassel...
Alternativly I could just run away and right now that's not looking like such a bad idea.
Fuck it I can't even get my fags cuz they're up stairs and I'm being stubborn, damn it and my phone fuck sake.
Notes to myself next time I strop off make sure fags, Lighter and phone are always with me!!
Any how enough for tonight I shall try and inform you again sooner rather later in the new dramas in my life.
Good night

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Fucking wednesday's

Yes it is necessery to name it that cuz I'm in a fowl mood (I know you may be thinking, well nothing changes there). However it is particularly shit. I went to see Sex in the City 2 at the cinema yesterday, alone. How shit is that I am officially Billy no mates and that is not cool!!
However the film was fabulous even if I did come out feeling slightly more depressed on the way out as I did on the way in.
I went up to shitty job centre today to sign on for my measly £51 a week to make up for being UN FUCKING EMPLOYED bollox to the goverment, they all suck big time any how.
I successfully signed up to the doctors so finally I can be diagnosed wit hbi-polar and not be having nervous break downs every fucking week.
Then mistakenly I'm here... Here being mothers house. Unfortunatly since my lap top decided it was going to start smoking and died of lung cancer I'm having to jump between mothers and Jacqui's computers which is very inconvienient if your trying to write a full time blog.
As soon as I walked in the front door I had Becca shouting at me for not paying Jacqui her £30 that I owe her back. Even though I did actually explain to her the money will take 10 FUCKING DAYS TO GO BACK INTO MY ACCOUNT- HELLO IF SHE JUST LISTENED MAYBE SHE WOULDN'T BE STRESSING A BOUT IT!!! GURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Now that rants over!
Looking for jobs on the internet is boring shit, Surley there is a better, more productive and fun way to look for jobs???
Now do I not only need phyciatric help and money help I need a new fucking life anyone fancy switching???
I got to thinking a bout men earlier and how shit they are and I think for the first time ever I'm completly single. I'm not in love with anyone, I'm not seeing any one, I'm not going on dates, I'm not even talking to anyone on the phone anymore and I find myself questioning have men always been this shit??
If so then how can anyone ever get married, it's hard enough to drag a man away from a tele or computer game these days, let a lone drag them down the isle. I cannot believe it has come to this. It's like staring out the bus window earlier I see cute guys that have potential a bout them, it's just such a shame that when they open their mouths its full of shit. Maybe the old saying "Woman should been seen but not heard" should be changed to "Men should be seen not heard". Thats far more appropriate.
I saw my first "bendy" bus today oh the excitment. It really is bullshit. All this crap technolagy that I can assure you does not benifit youer sex life or your relationship for that matter and they haven't even invented things that actually could benifit the human race, like nose warmers and heated hats and something that changes babies nappy. I mean I put it to you all this fucking technolagy but who does it really benefit????

Friday, 11 June 2010

A dull friday morning...

Well well well, I'm sorry I haven't written for a while its litrally been one thing after another since I last wrote!
So the reason it's been so bloody long is because my lap top decided it wanted to follow me in the dying of lung cancer bit and started smoking, and that definitly isn't a good thing. So took up to the fucking lap top place which I hate for them to tell me it'll cost a bout £200 and that of course leaves me fuming!! Any how I don't really want to talk a bout that cuz I may cry!!

So I'll take it back to Amy's 21st birthday. I got my party geer on and me hair extentions and I was thinking oh yeah look at me I'm the fucking bees knees (as always on a night out).
I'd already fucked my knee up from falling over in the rain at work, fuckers. Nothing would ever stop me wearing heels though never!!
Any how by the time I got to Town I was pretty angry and then after going to the cash point with Emma the stupid bouncer said we had to cue and I was like hello our mates booked a table. Any how she went on a bout some crap a bout only having it for an hour. So we qued and qued and then there was another bouncer (who I have to admit was quite cute). Any how I was like can we not just go in, we're missing our best mates 21st and so he looked up the name and was like ok and I go that fat bouncer wouldn't let us in.
I didn't mean to say it, it just popped out. Any how so then I got banned from bloody pitcher and Piano. Fucking hell I had to sit outside for half a bloody hour, and in the time I was stuck outside I managed to loose my packet of 20 cigerettes which id just bought and a fiva, and my hair extensions got fucked up a bout 3 times.
Any how when Amy and co came out we had a drink in fish bowl and then headed down the club. So I shook my arse big time to the 80's cheese, fucking love it.
Bumped into that guy the one I call "Roger", turns out he's called Tom.
Fucking idiot I was close to hitting him. He told me I'd never get a boyfriend cuz I'm too opionated well he can go fuck himself cuz I never really liked him any how.
Had a heart to heart with Charlie (Amy's cousin) that night.
It was a good night though, it was nice to just dance and to be around people that I love, despite having a sore knee, losing money, fags and my lap top deciding to start smoking.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

missing the innocence....

Well I'm feeling tired tonight and there isn't any drama which makes a change. However I'm feeling sad tonight, I'm feeling a lone lying in an empty bed with no one sleeping next to me and no one waking up next to me and I sometimes wish I could just be an innocent child again and not having the think a bout relationships with men.
It all just seems to get so complicated. Men are so complicated and sometimes I just feel so frustrated. I'm constantly bumping into ghosts from the past (Aka Ex boyfriends/dates/shags). It doesn't seem to matter where I go it's like I can't get away from my past, I guess I should listen to Sex in the City "Your 20's are for making the mistakes, your 30's are for learning the mistakes and you 40's are for buying the drinks".
Maybe I'm just attempting to grow up so fast, but I don't thinks me ab normal to want a healthy relationship with a man! Will I Ever find Mr Right!!!????...............

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Today, today, Wednesday 19th I believe!!

So a brief outline of moi, I'm 21, I have straight, just past shoulder length blond hair, brown eyes and massive tits, I'm a true Brightonian born a bred, I fucking love it!!!
I have 2 amazing sisters and a legend mother, who I fear I may be turning into, when I said to my sis, my cousin and mate that we must go to another pub as the live musics too loud and I can't hear myself think... Which actually maybe is a good thing cuz when I think that's when things begin to get messy and my self diagnosed bi polar kicks in big time!!

So that's a brief outline of me.
Can't believe in a couple of weeks we will officially be half way through the year and once again I've been through more men that I can count on one hand, in fact two hands, actually so many I can't even remember half their fucking names deary me!! (Just so you know when I say been through men, it does not mean I've slept with them, I don't just jump into bed with every Tom, Dick or Harry)!
Any how so finally got two days off work whey result!! I swear my feet are still killing though. Currently working as a barmaid, one of my many jobs.
So being a day off didn't wake up till 1pm and know I'm not lazy I just like sleep, now there's nothing wrong with needing my beauty sleep!
Anyhow went up to see my 93 year old nan who is just the most amazing and funniest nan in the world. Not to mention the best for always buying me chocolate bless her!
Any way less of the boring stuff... saw my 1st ex of the day in Tesco's damn him for being hot, he works there and so does his now "fiance"! Any how whatever.
Oh jesus not to mention the fact that I bumped into James, sorry Becca (my big sis) Jim although I hate that name so I'm still calling him James whether he likes it or not!
Ha ha now how would I describe James??
a big mistake... hm then again I'd say that a bout the majority of men I've been with, James... Well he definitely wasn't my boyfriend and the only date we went on consisted of his bed and condoms, so yes James was a "fuck buddy" such a lovely way of putting it these days, but I don't think you could call it anything else cuz we certainly didn't make love.
He was good for going down on me though, giving my orgasms that made me scream the whole fucking house down so I guess he did have his uses, not to mention paying for my taxis "sucker"... now I sound like a prostitute, fuck it what do I care I already said he was a big mistake.
Any how apart from getting side track I saw him which is why I just went on a massive rant a bout the whole thing!!
Any how back to the evening went to meet Becca (big sis), Oliver (big cousin) and Nick (good family mate).
it was good to meet up and hang out although there was no one worth chatting up tonight which was a bit rubbish, although I am sort of off men at the moment, hey at least that's what I keep telling myself one day I might actually believe it!
Tell you what did make me laugh though, there was this fat guy come in to the seven stars, he had dreads and he just looked hilarious I couldn't help but laugh.
No dramas tonight, which makes a change.
Decided to walk home after the pub in my 3 inch high heeled sexy boots, maybe not the best thing for sore feet but I did, sort of regretting it now however.
Walked past one of those disgusting kebab shops which I would never be seen dead in. There were 2 of the guys working there having a ciggie outside and I swear like every time I walk past on of those places the men start watering at the mouth its like hello have you never seen a woman before, its fucking disgusting they're like mongrels or something.
Man I wish I'd bought some chocolate, I'm having cravings now!!
Fuck its already 1.30am I'm so Hungary God damn it.
Any how I'm going to go and men wise myself up by watching the Sex in The City movie for the 3rd time this week.
Good morning, good afternoon, good night .............