Monday, 30 April 2012

If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss..

Which lets face it is the biggest load of bollocks really, although maybe thats because no guys have never truly been in love with me, I don't think I've ever felt what I think your supposed to feel when a guy loves you and is commited to you. Or maybe men arn't really commited to anyone... Maybe I'm a biggimist. (not sure if thats the right word in this content but whatever).
Any how I just don't think guys love like they once did, if it was my life or there's on the line I very much dobut a guy would chose himself to die, they're too damn selfish. Any how this isn't going to be a blog where I slag off men the whole time, although admitidly that does always make me feel so much better, and its pretty standard for my feminist view, but no I am a hypacrit, and no dobut I do contradict myself ALOT but hey what they fuck are you going to do ;-).
So I temporarily went off the rails just abit, its so unlike me these days to get mixed up with sex & love and stupid boys. Anyhow do not fear because I'm back now, from wherever I was. I won't lie I did sleep with Dan last night again, but its funny isn't it, the more you see someone the more you realise what an idiot they are (well not always but mostly). It was like the more I saw him the worse he looked and the worse he smelt! The more horrible I was to him to nicer he was to me, and that irritates the fuck out of me, guys who let girls walk all over them. Guys need to grow a back bone. Also and exscuse my crudness, the sex was actually pretty good but he started doing a Levi on  me, going to sleep after coming once!
I was ready to go again and he just couldn't get it back up and what can I say for a 24 year old thats pitiful, what is it with guys they just don't seem to have the energy to keep up.. See when I get started I want to keep going all night but hey thats just me! Still on the plus side at least he didn't object to using a condom. Which reminds me may have to pop into the doctor/clinic soon to pick up a goody bag, got through virtually all of mine over the last 2 seperate nights me and Dan had sex. That ship has definitly sailed now. I'm ready to take back some control on my life.
Unfortunatly my toe is still in pain, but after a whole day of antibiotics and half a day yesterday of antibiotics by tomorrow I'm hoping walking will be more bearable.

So enough of Dan he's boring and history! Oh God whilst on the subject of Dan the other Dan emailed me today and I swear he's been checking my facebook status's and reading my blog which is kind of a little bit freaky, clearly has no respect for my private life what so ever, this is my online diary, I can write what I want, I don't make people read it, in actual fact I'm pretty sure I've said plenty of times in the past that if you get offended easily then not to read my blog, so as I always read at your own risk...

Am back watching Ally McBeal again, this programme really is one of those rare occasions when its acceptable to use the word "awsome". Its just so fucking fabulous. Totally puts life into perspective!
I realise that it isn't just english men that are crap, its american men too and I'm not alone with the wankers, Ally gets wankers too and I get fed the same bullshit as she does and its great, oh God I could watch thi programme over and over 1000's of times and it would still make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets!! (which isn't far off really seeing as I'm on so many tablets).
Here are just a few quotes that I picked up on during my watchings so far...
"Men will throw away their whole life for sex, its like a drug". Come on I know not all guys but genrally speaking how many ladies out there have found a man that says no to having sex (and gay guys don't count). I'm not proud but I'm speaking from experience!!

"Men are like gum after you chew they lose their flavour" This is beyond fact in my life at least...

"put out or lose out" from a man thats clear and please don't follow this, not putting out means they lose out, the only thing you lose is having to suck a twats penis!

"this is the problem with playing games, someones got to lose at it" ladies don't let it be you, you can play him at his own game!

Anyhow I need to do some serious Ally McBeal watching so love ya and leave ya followers!!


Sunday, 29 April 2012

'cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew,all the things you'd say, they were never true, never true and the games you'd play you'd always win, always win....

Just got to love Adele!
I wish I could say it had been a good day and a good week, but it hasn't. Don't get me wrong certain aspects of it have like hanging out with me sister Becca monday, going to college tuesday & seeing Kelly, seeing Samantha on wednesday and having me hair done :D realising that the life I live is the life I've choosen and its ok I'm not married and don't have babies yet.
Was good to see "the boy" on thursday even though I feel completly vunrable around him, then went to young adult support group that evening and then that was the evening that I did something really fucking stupid! I slept with Dan, I never know why I think I can handle sex like a man, I can't.
I feel so shit cuz suprise suprise he don't want to know and he shagged someone else last night, which just makes me feel like a peice of shit really.
So your probabaly thinking why do I do these things.. well there is a number of reasons there's the fact of things seem like a good idea at the time but then later you realise actually it wasn't so smart after all, there's the fact that I hadn't slept with anyone for 3 months and I'd forgotten what sex with a human felt like, there's that whole thing of wanting to be wanted and just being held and getting to cuddle up with someone afterwards. Its crazy how much sex can fuck a person up! Still at least I made him use a condom! God I sound so fucking cheap. Not sure what the fuck is going on with me, could be all the fucking tablets I'm taking at the moment I swear I rattle when I walk!!
I'm on amitripyline for my neck, back and shoulders. Taking vitimin D x 2 a day cuz of the lack of sun, iron tablets cuz I've convinced myself I'm anemic or however the fuck you spell it, vitimin B12/Bcomplex, vitimin C and eccinacea (again have no idea how to spell this). Thats a fair few tablets, but then (as if I wasn't feeling shit enough) my toe started hurting and throughout the day it got worse & worse to the point where I couldn't do anything & it was seriously throbbing, so I went to A & E and I've got a fucking foot infection so now am on antibiotics 4 times a day and strong pain killers and am stuck in bed with an ice pack on my toe & its shit! I know its a sunday and I always feel shitty on a sunday but God when will BPD leave me alone, I'm trying to fight back but it isn't easy!
I got to see Andrea friday that was good :D then well I'm not even going to mention saturday and today was going well at the wedding fair with Tasha & Chris, although I did eat way too much cake and I almost cried during the show (the cat walk of models in the wedding dresses/bridesmaids dresses) because I realised that I'm probabaly never going to get married an have kids and that makes me feel sad.
Any how well that all went wrong cuz of my God damn fucking toe! Not cool!
I know this is no way to live but I keep asking what if... Must not reminis over the past argh its so frustrating!
Re-joined that stupid dating website to realise that everyone on there is just a total weirdo and only after one thing. argh I really can't cope with men, as soon as I can walk again I'm outta here, a holiday is just what I need right now. Only a couple months left to go thank fuck.
I'm too tired and ratty to right any more right now.

Night night all
Peace out xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 23 April 2012

I was worried about you but you never cared about me none, you took my money and I know that you, you could kill someone...

Here we are then welcome back to what is not that far off May... although the weather says otherwise.
Wow in the real world its been say 16 days but in Elle world thats a life time.. I've broken up with 3 guys since I last wrote. Well things with the boy I decided that maybe it wasn't the wisest idea to be with someone that works so far away. I don't think I can handle having to wait weeks on end to see someone, it was a matter of either has a girlfriend or he quits his job, well I wasn't about to give him an unlimatum, needless to say he would have choosen his job and that would involve me being rejected and a bruised ego, we can't be having that now can we...
I didn't exactly end it with him but it sort of tried to fizzle it out... although he's started texting me in last few days so maybe I might just have to be blunt soon...
Next there was desperate Dan, aw he was kind of sweet but then he just kind of got on my tits abit and like wanted to see me all the time and kept trying to buy me stuff and planning stuff and I was just thinking jesus if he's planning stuff after 4 dates how long before he starts planning our babies, too much can't handle it. So he had to go... sorry but please needy boys are such a turn off...
Then comes Dan 2! Well I met him at the bus stop after a drunked night out with Louella, still not 100% sure what I was doing along by Lewes Rd at 12.3o at night but hey ho thats alcohol for you...
Any how so I got talking to him and then again not sure how but ended up at his mums *cringe* was like being 15 all over again sneaking around... Got a cab home at 7.30am after no sleep totally uncool, no wonder the cabdriver thought I was only 17 sort of a 17 year old thing to do. Any how kind of ended up back at his mums again the next night too... (although left at 5am this time). He stayed at mine saturday (only cuz mum was at my sisters for the night). Well we didn't exactly have sex, four play I guess, either way I had an orgasm, he didn't come though lol, although I think he may have a sweat problem. Seriously he was so horney he was litrally soaking wet, it was like he'd just got out the shower, it was so bad I actually had to change the sheets! (which is wasn't best pleased about seeing as I'd only just changed them earlier that evening and ironed them) fucking men such a liability!! Any how he had 2 kids BAGGAGE! eww and he smoked. Still at least I got me orgasm, ha after all my failed relationships I always make sure I get an orgasm, on the other hand couldn't give a flying fuck if they come or not...
Any how then I started to really like this guy and that is not cool, I don't think he was really that into me, although he did have an obsession with my teeth (slightly disconcerning, thought he might try to steal them whilst I was sleeping).
Yeah so he was a bit thick too, not like Ian Mcorriston thick, but just not that bright. For example I'm pretty sure one of the 1st thing he said to me was "wow I've never met a blonde girl whos smart" he needs to get out more ... any how he's from Moulscoomb, and don't want to be a snob but thats just not cool...
Also you know when you sort of that gut instinct about someone like somethings not quite right about them?? Well any how I had that so was definitly a good thing to get out of that one. He's well and tryly gone and besides he was cute, but I'm cuter and we're definitly not on the same page, oh well his loss fucker, at least I ended it, I love taking back the power ;-)
I guess on the plus point I'm less worried cuz I was beginning to think my sex drive had gone forever, seeing as 3 months since I got laid and was thinking that this isn't just a dry patch, this is a drought! So guess it just takes a cute guy to get me going. ;-)

I'm so much better off without a man, although I've re joined a dating site, I can't help it, I hate men but I need them, which is kind of fucked up, but then I am fucked up so whatever...

Not long till thursday now either, I get to see "the boy" on thursday, he's a total knob but he's hot, in a fucked up kind of irritating way, and I really really want to shag him, recon he'd be a well good fuck! Oh come on its blaitenly going to happen, I have good self control but sometimes you just got to give into these things, so Princess Elle is totally off the wagon... at least with sex and men anyhow...
Oh christ speaking about sex, I saw Wayne the pain sunday morning as in the guy I shagged when I was 21 met him at AA he was the beginning of my shag fest when I was 21 ha ha good times..
Oh Christ and speaking of 21 'Levi's now living at fiveways with his old girlfriend, I've seen him 3 times already in the last 10 days, twice on the bus and once in town, probabaly why I'm slowly falling off the wagon, I can't deal with it and I need to get out of my head for a bit and stop thinking...

Ok right can I just say my sister has the worst taste in T.v, shes always watched crap, but recently shes started watching "Made in Chealsea" for those of you who haven't had the agony of watching it, its basically a reality show of rich gals and guys who live in chealsea and its just awful, it truly is, I actually want to knock them into the middle of next monday... Seriously I'd be more interesting than them twats, sort it out dhalings your PATHETIC! Any how got to shoot, my beds calling ...

mucho love faithfull follwers ....

Friday, 6 April 2012

When the moneys spent and all my friends have vanished and I can't seem to find no love or help for free I know there's no need for me to panic ......

When the moneys all gone,
when the parties over and nothing looks
quite as good as it did will you
still be there by my side,
when I'm standing there with the scissors in my hand
slashing up my arms,
when I'm running round
Town with the credit card,
will you still take the scissors off me,
and the credit card,
will you still wrap your arms around me and
tell me you still love me.

thats the start of me writting a song completly related to me of course.
I try not to indulge in the past but it isn't like I can just forget it, when I think I've recovered that oh so familier feeling comes back and I feel so sick and I remember, I remember how it used to be.
It makes me feel sad that I was so desperate for a man to love me, I put up with abuse and so much bullshit.
Its funny, but not many people have said this to me, but a few people, and men especially, and in particular one guy who I won't mention the name of on here, but he said to me "Elle just promise me you'll stop going out with all these pricks, when are you going to realise your so much better than that"? Now this was a guy who I shared a few kisses with a few times and he definitly wasn't trying to get into my pants. Funny though I don't really remember either of my parents telling me I'm better than all these wankers.
So here I am 23 years old on a friday night just finished consuming the rest of Ben & Jerrys ice cream that me and Rhea bought up asda last night, contimplating on consuming a Mars bar and diet coke ... Watching movies on me own ; 'You again', 'The hangover' and now watching Sliding doors, and I would like to make a few comments on these films in a minute but 1st I want to finish up what I'm about to say here... So I'm seeing "The boy" as I call him, he's young (almost 22) and he's nice, I don't feel frightend when I'm round him, he's not violent, he doesn't even get aggressive which is good... I think... I mean when I say I think, obviously I don't want him to smash things up but I don't want to be with any one like me dad (as in has no emotion what so ever). I do feel slightly scared because I'm aware that we're not exactly exclusive at the moment and so my barriers are up and I can't quite relax just yet, and I suppose only time will tell...

So you again, bullying, wow I've been bullied my whole life, I'll always be an easy target because I'm nice, and nice people always get bullied, I wonder though, if bullies realise how much they can seriously fuck up someones life, its scared me for life. I've always wondered what goes through someones head whos bullying some one else, but I don't know if I'll ever figure it out..
Do you know what I really hate...
I hate it when people look me in the eye and lie to me, I hate it when people just completly use you, I hate people who fucking steal off you and then lie about it, I hate violence, I hate being rejected, I hate that my dad left and now he doesn't want to speak to me or see me and I don't even know why, I hate that I'm always alone when I cry, I hate it that men cheat, God I hate it when people drink too much or take drugs, I hate seeing the pain in other peoples eyes...

I always used to think when I was a kid that one day you'd fall in love and everything would be great forever, but reality isn't like that, looking back I don't think any man that has ever told me he loves me has loved me at all. The one man thats supposed to love me forever is me dad and he's never told me he loves me, and I'm not even sure where I'm going with all this but I have this great sadness about me.

You know I felt pretty pissed off when I was washing the conditioner off me hair this morning that I had to wash it off in freezing cold water because Iain and Becca had used up all the hot water because they decided to have a row in the shower, for fuck sake, it well pisses me off, and then I can't eat dinner at the table because there ain't enough room when he's here and now mum goes away tuesday so he'll be staying tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday, which to be honest is pretty standard now, it just ain't the same, I always get left out when he's here. I don't say any thing because its more hassle than its worth, but I do already feel shit about myself most of the time.
I keep myself stupidly busy because if I don't I sit and think about how I feel like no one really wants me, maybe its not true. I even feel like sometimes that me mates get annoyed with me, I'm sure its all in me head, but when I'm alone I can't pretend I don't have the thoughts of "maybe everyone would be better off if I wasn't here any more".
Wish I didnt' think sometimes...

So now onto some politics, now this has never been me strongest point but there is a few things right now that I am slightly concerned about .. actually scared shitless would be more accurate..

There's the matter of the weather, its hot then cold and its extreme and I'm worried that the effects of global warming are going to fuck up our earth more than usual.
I'm concerned about the fact that papers are saying that people born in 2012 won't be able to retire until their 80s which is just bullshit.
then there's the matter of the petrol going up which means the bus fair is going up again. Fucking hell, where does it end? people say I'm ignorant for living in a bubble but I just think its got to be better than knowing the truth, I know I contradict myself but ignorence is bliss although just maybe not when dating a lying, cheating wanker. That it I can't write anymore!

Peace out

love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 1 April 2012

I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean...

Wow can you believe its virtually been a month since I last wrote.
I've been pretty shit at updating but I've been busy living life and thats definitly got to be a good thing!

So whats going on in the world? Whats going on in the crazy world of Princess Elle aye?
Well I think last time I wrote I'd just broke up with Joe (you remember the compulsive liar, heroin addict homeless guy).
So I turned 23 and decided it really was time to turn over a new leaf and in actual fact I've been sticking to it.
Ove the last month I've begun to see that I may not be the smartest, skinniest, prettiest or even the nicest of girls out there, but as the tittle says "I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean".
I've always been slightly oblivious to whats going on in the world but come on would I be me if I was up to date on all the depressing things that happen in the world. I ain't an idiot, I know what goes on in the world but I just chose to be naive to it because it scares the shit out of me.

I will share the fact that according to the metro (which admitidly is not the most reliable source) however they say that babies born this year as in 2012 will not be able to retire till they're in their 80's FUCK ME that is SHOCKING! Whos with me on blowing up the house of Parliment??

So I'm continuing to volunteer in the charity shop, along with swimming twice a week, studying (and passing may I just add) I'm now officially qualified in facials so you know who to come to if you want a freebee!
I'm still knitting too I've made a bag now and I'm making a scarf and a patch work blanket, its nice to have a few projects on the go!

Ohhhh I bought the most amazing laptop recently its PINK!! (obviously)!
Bought some UGGs too recently whoop whoop love it!!!
So lets get to talking about the nitty gritty the thing I know you all love to hear about... my relationships with men and my relationship with alcohol!
So on the alcohol front thats genrally ok I definitly have a much better and healthier relationship with drink than I ever have in my life, I'm not persistantly avoiding altogether but I'm not exceeding it either so finally after 23 years I think I can almost say I've hit the jackpot!

So my relationships with men... Well I wish I could say I've resolved it with me dad, although I haven't so for the time being I'm going to leave that well alone until I figure it out, and who knows maybe I never will!!

So I've recently in the last few weeks been seeing one guy... at least I think I'm seeing him... no I'm almost certain we're seeing each other.. not sure how exsclusive we are yet but we'll see. So he's 22 next month (yes I am a cugar DEAL WITH IT)!!! He's a chef in the army, he doesn't smoke, or take drugs, and he has a home, so already he has more going for him than... everyone I've ever been with..
He's a really decent guy from what I've seen of him so far. It feels totally easy, like it doesn't feel difficult, I don't obsess and I don't constantly ring him 24/7 ... infact I barley ring him, we text and we see each other but there isn't any pressure there.
I trust him and am not freaking out about what he's doing when he isn't with me and yeah just feels really nice.
I think he likes me, he stayed over last night and I kissed him for the 1st time...
.. I know what your thinking, but sorry to disapoint you but the answer is no! We didn't sleep together, I'm still on lent and I want to take it really slow!
I think he's good for me, I don't act like "crazy Elle" when I'm with him, (by crazy Elle I mean the Elle that obsesses, slash my wrists, OD, cry all the time etc etc ..)
This quite possibly is the healthist relationship I've had with a man EVER! I haven't told him about the past bollocks either, finally realising its ok to let go of the past and he doesn't need to know about it as I'm not who I was back then...
It is quite hard learning to be able to have a healthy relationship because you automatically lose that butterfly feeling in your stomache which you convince yourself is excitment but is actually anxiety and fear. I know that, am reading "woman who love too much" for the 2nd time and this time round I'm really getting it, I was determined to get well and now I actually am.
This is the year its all going to happen for me, it already is pretty much, as soon as I get a job earning enough I'm moving out, I'm going on holiday this year :) I bought a laptop which is completly amazing, am going to get my tattoo this year too.
Once 'Pate (the nutty teacher guy) watch sells on ebay (hopefully will sell for at least £80) then I'll have £120 for me tattoo and I will get it done this year, going to be amazing, me nan is going to love it... (am getting ivy with little flowers tattooed around my ankle, cuz me nans names Ivy and I love her to pieces and it'll be like she'll be apart of my forever even once she's passed away) Me nans 95 by the way shes amazing and one of the funniest people I know bless her!


So there we have it for the first time in my whole life time of blogging I've finally written an optimistic blog! Princess Elle is definitly well on the road to recovery this time and it feels great.
I must say though if it wasn't for all my fabulous friendships I'm not sure I would have made it!

Love you guys