Monday, 26 December 2011
You don't know where we go, you don't know that we're angels with dirty faces in the morning, you don't know we've been on the Town low....
So Boxing day aye, well being the "mug" if you like that I am I got back with Chris for him to break up with me on Christmas day, and they say they ain't scum??? Fuck it, tis his loss right? You know what I ain't even going to think about it! His number is deleted from me phone, texts and phone calls blocked!!!
So I survived Christmas day can you believe its virtually another year over? Starting to panic abit now, times going too fast and I wish I could grab it and prolong it abit. Still I guess if I'm not where I want to be by the age of 30 I'll just keep celebrating me 30th birthday until I am where I want to be at 30... Ok that kind of doesn't make sense.. but then do I ever and does anything ever really make sense anyhow???
So before I go into my little rant on men on politics on critism and how its all bullshit I shall reveal Princess Elle's fabulous presents...
I got a cocktail set with an ice crusher... what do you expect I'm cosmapolitan darling...
I got fake pink eye lashes, pretty standard for a princess, don't you think...
I got a beautiful poem written about me by my darling sister, framed and everything...
The best calender from me other sis, feminists would love this..
shampoo, conditioner and tooth paste in my stocking, cheers santa darling what are you trying to tell me aye...
A candle from me mom, thats a given she tells me off all year for borrowing hers and then buys me one for christmas every year without fail.
6 Barry M nail varish ... as said previously my future hubby ;-), a score, £30 gift voucher for Debenhams from me step Dad, £15 for amazon, a beautiful princess dress from princess Andrea...
I think thats it... did I mention I suffer from memory loss frequently.
one packet of ciggies and 2 bottles of mulled wine and I made it whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!
So critism, and construtive critism, darling its bollocks whether you sugarcoat it or not, its still critism which is basically just way to bully someone in the long run... take raquel sitting infront of me telling me my dress sense is "inappropriate" because there're 14 year old boys in the college ha ha I could teach them a thing or 2! (thats a joke, I ain't a pedaphile, 16+ please). Anyhow ever noticed how its dogs who tell you your ugly or your clothes are too progative, and as said so many times before if boys can't contain their errections because I'm wearing a short skirt or a low cut top that ain't my problem... Any how whether you say some thing like: Love you can't sing get off the fucking stage or : hm maybe singing isn't for you why don't you focus more on your art work. Doesn't matter mate its still critism so cut the bullshit with all this constructive crap and get to the point yeah...
So mini rant over... next.............
MEN/POLITICS... sort of / POWER...
So I may only be 22 but I've been with alot of men and even the men I haven't been with I've had the oppertunity to observe and analyse and I have discoverd that as you know we're living in a fast moving world, well at least we are when it comes to technolagy, there's only a matter of time before they invent a flying car... infact I think that may already be on the horizan, you don't physically need to have sex with a man these days to get knocked up as it were you can just nip down to your local sperm bank (yes yes I know it probabally isn't as simple as popping to sainsburys but in a matter of speaking you know what I mean) so how long before we don't need men at all... Afterall we don't exactly need men for the money anymore or for the healthcare or anything for that matter, there are woman in the Army, woman doctors, and more and more woman are getting into the trade industry, most of us have a basic knowledge of DIY and its on the increase every day. We certainly don't need men to make us come, vibrators will do the job every single time (which is more than I can say for a man) and it will never answer back, it will never try it on when your not in the mood and continue to pester you until in the end you give in because its more hassel than its worth. If it runs out of batteries you can just stick it on charge and it'll always be there, because sex sells and as long as sex sells your always have your orgasm as a matter of speaking anyhow.
These days woman are the mothers and fathers. In my opinion men are dying out, so is it any wonder why they behave the way they do. Woman hold 90% of the power whether as a man you chose to accept this or be in complete denial, but either way it is true! We no longer live in a mans world, this is definitly a womans world whether the stupid cunt David what-so-face says so or not, blow up the house of Parliment, they're all a bunch of ignorent, wankers anyhow, and they can shove their "democracy" up their arse, because clearly the pricks have no idea of the meaning. Here have your say, but we'll do what we want anyhow so up yours, ha ha no mate up yours, Bleeding heck I could teach them a thing or 2 .....
Men are the insecure ones and yes I know what your thinking if its a womans world then how come there are still so little numbers of woman in the house of Parliement... Well the answer is this;
It is a womans world but woman are still learning how much power they actually have and because of what we're told and how we've been brought up for years and its basically all been drummed into our heads ever since we can remember that woman stay at home and bring up the kids whilst the husband goes to work, well look how much that has changed round in the last 10 years, and I think that actually men have managed to convice us for so many years that they're the ones that need to be in control because we're a mess when actually, and correct me if I'm wrong is it not men these days that are still partying hard till they're 40 and taking loads of drugs constantly chopping and changing their minds, blag up the size of their cocks (and then your like hold on... where is it, no really where...) blag up how many women they're slept with (which guarenteed is at least half of what they say) and you've all heard that bull shit line of I'll take you places you've never been before, or I'll show you what sex with a real man is like, and then you sit there and your thinking wow sex with a real man is shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt!!!!!
So I figure that more and more I realising just how much power they have and men, as stupid as they might be, have cottoned onto this and are absolutly terrified understandably, they should be! So this explains it a little bit, woman are the ones that know what they want and nothing is the limit these days and as time goes by we (as in woman) will realise this more and more and tehy will use it, so heres a little bit of advice to you men out there, I would stop telling your lover/ wife/ bit on the side or whoever they've got problems cuz I can assure you mate someones got problems but it deffinitly ain't our gender... I would like to finish with a quote from me new calender (definitly a great start for 2012). As you all know I'm not a great fan of animals even though yes I am a vegetarian but this has to be said...
"Every woman should have four pets in her life: a mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a rabbit in her bed (a rampant) and a Jackass who pays for everything".
Peace out me lovers and followers xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Now this may make you feel sick (and this is rich coming from a cynic) but he's the 1st man I've actually felt 100% safe with, I don't feel like he's only after sex and I ain't worried that if I say no to something he's going to get angry and go ahead and just rape me, or take it anyhow. He's the 1st man who truly appriciates me. I never have to worry about him driving off and leaving me, stealing from me, raising his hand to me. Its just when I'm with him its like another world. I forget about the shit that has and is happening and its that feeling the warms the bottom of your heart. The more he says the more I fall in love with him. He just makes so much sense, unlike all the ridiculous wankers I've been out with who literally chat shit for hours, everything he says has meaning. He always opens doors for me and he tells me I look nice every day and when he kisses me I just melt, and I just want to cry and laugh at the same time because I'm falling more and more in love with him every minute I spend with him and yet I'm terrified because I can't help sooner or laters he's going to realise I haven't exactly much to offer and he'll leave me. Oh man I love the way that when I talk he really looks into my eyes and listens. You know I've never had that I don't think from anyone.
He's going back to Yorkshire on Friday for 2 weeks and I'm dreading it, I know we still got the phone but it isn't the same.
Then there's that one more thing that makes me worry and that is this fucked up judmental world we live in. I know for a fact that he will get stick for it because of his age, and it does my nut because why should we have to put up with what other people think. I know exactly what people will say. They'll say he's a pervert and only after my body and that I'm nieve, and do you know what maybe a few years ago yes, but I'm not as nieve as people think and it pisses me off that there always seems to be someone that ain't happy with my decision and then my happiness gets jeprodised! Well tell you what not this time! If I want to be with him, then I'll jolly well be with him, I'm almost 23 years old. A grown woman, I don't have to answer to anyone.
Fuck it am so tired need sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
I wish I could say this was going to be a happy blog, and if I'd written yesterday, when I couldn't control my smile then yeah perhaps it would have been. It ain't yesterday though its today and apparently within 24 hours your life can go from looking pretty good to hell!
So lets start with some positive things... at least one positive thing at least! Got me test reults and ... I DO NOT HAVE HEPITIUS B WHOOOOOOOP WHOOOOOOOOP!!!
Thats your lot.
So you want to know whats happened?
Well I'll tell you the Princes Trust course is a fucking joke!!!
The teachers are a joke!
The college is a joke!
The course is a joke!
And the best bit is that I'm a joke too!
According to Raquel and Charlotte I have no respect for any one on the course!!!!! I'm truly speecheless!! Please define respect for me? Yes maybe I did moan about playing games that 5 year olds play WHEN I HAVE FUCKING SHIT LOADS OF FUCKING LEVEL 2 WORK TO DO THAT I'VE HAD TO ATTEMPT IN 3 WEEKS BECAUSE DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN ASKING TO DO LEVEL 2 SINCE DAY ONE AND EVERY DAY THEN ON IN, RAQUEL DIDN'T GIVE ME THE CRITERIA TILL 3 WEEKS BEFORE THE FUCKIGN END OF THE FUCKING COURSE! PLEASE TELL ME WAS IT NOT ME WHO STAYED LATE EVERY DAY TO ATTEMPT TO DO IT WHEN RAQUEL WAS MEANT TO BE GIVING ME TIME IN CLASS TO DO IT!!!!!!!! IS IT NOT CHRIS WHO GIVES UP HIS SPARE TIME TO HELP ME COMPLETE IT WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN TEACH THE FUCKING STUPID COURSE!
IS IT NOT ME WHO STAYS UP TILL 2AM BAKING CAKES FOR THE TEAM AND FOR THE STUPID TEAM CHALLANGE THAT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO IN THE 1ST FUCKING PLACE BUT CLEARLY NO ONE RESPECTS ME BY THE FACT THAT TEHY DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO WORK WITH CHILDREN AND HAVE NO IDEA STILL WHY BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING ASKED!
IS IT NOT ME WHO SWAM 70 LEGTHS TO TRY AND RAISE MONEY. IS IT NOT ME WHO GOES OUT OF ME WAY IN AND OUT OF COLLEGE TO HELP OTHER TEAM MEMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RESPECT MATE DON'T EVEN FUCKING GO THERE!
UNLIKE ALL OF THE SO CALLED BRILLIANT TEACHERS I LEAVE ALL MY SHIT HERE AND ARINA BRINGING UP DIVORCE WHICH CAN I JUST ADD IS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR FUCKING CORSE ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DO NOT CHAT SHIT ABOUT SOMETHING YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT! YEAH MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED AND I'LL ALWAYS BLAME MESELF BEING THE LAST CHILD AN ALL AND DESPITE WHAT PEOPLE SAY NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT BUT DO NOT FUCKING BRING UP 3 WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS STUPID FUCKING CUNT!
LITTLE GIRLS MAKING UP LIES ITS PATHETIC!
ONE SMALL INCCINENT AND I KNOW LETS CALL THE FILTH TOO SHALL WE WHILST WE'RE AT IT, GET THEIR INPUT!
DON'T GIVE ME YOUR BULLSHIT LIES AND EXSCUSES BECAUSE I'VE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE I GENRALLY DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING TO MAKE IT OUT IT OUT ALIVE, I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION WHERE I'VE BEEN IN THE FUCKING WOODS AND BEEN SO SCARED YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO BREATH, WHERE SOMEONE STANDS THERE AND FORCES YOU TO KISS THEM AND YOUR TRYING TO GET AWAY BUT YOUR WHOLE BODIES PARALYSED WITH FEAR! I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION WHERE SOMEONES TRIED TO RAPE ME, I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION WHERE I'VE HAD TO SLEEP WITH MEN FOR MONEY JUST SO I DON'T END UP ON THE STREETS, I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION WHERE SOMEONE HITS YOU AND THEN SOMEHOW YOU END UP BEING THE ONE THATS APPOLIGISING, I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION WHERE THINGS ARE SO FUCKING UGLY THAT DEATH ACTUALLY SEEMS LIKE TOTAL BLISS, I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION WHERE I KNOW THAT MY DAD HAS THE CHOICE TO BE IN MY LIFE AND ISN'T! I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT FOR EVER!
I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT NO MATTER HOW FUCKING HARD YOU TRY NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!
ON TOP OF THAT I HAVE TO SPEND MY LIFE LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER INCASE THERE'S SOMEONE BEHIND ME WHO WANTS TO STAB ME BECAUSE OF ONE STUPID MISTAKE I MADE ONCE!
I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY TRY AND STAY SOBER, WHICH I SHOULD PROBABALLY POINT OUT THAT RIGHT NOW I AM NOT, AND UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES I THINK THATS EVER SO SLIGHTLY JUSTIFIABLE.
I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT I HAVE GOT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND BECAUSE OF THAT AND ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH I'LL PROBABLLY NEVER BE WITH A GUY FOR LONGER THAN 6 MONTHS SO I'M SO FUCKING SORRY IF RIGHT NOW I SAY SOMETHING OUT OF TURN LIKE FUCK OFF YOU STUPID CUNT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT RESPECT MEANS!
THE COURSE IS A JOKE AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS NOW I'M WELL AND TRULY PAST MY LIMITS AND I AIN'T GOING BACK!
I TELL YOU SOME THING LITTLE MISS PATRONISING I WALKED DOWN TO THE MARINA TO GET THE 12 TO ME SISTERS EARLIER AND I LOOKED OVER THE BRIDGE AT THE MARINA WALL AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF CAN I JUST JUMP UP OFF NOW BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!
SO YOU WANT TO CALL SOME ONE A BULLY LOOK IN THE MIRROR DARLING!
SO NOW I WON'T EVEN GET CHRIS (MR LOVER LOVER) CUZ I'VE QUIT COLLEGE AND FUCK IT WHAT WOULD HE WANT WITH ME ANY WAY I'M JUST A STUPID FUCKED UP BIMBO.
NUFF SAID !
SORRY FOR THE BLUNTNESS BUT I'M DRUNK AND CRAZY!
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Ok so your probabally like has Elle finally lost it... No and to be honest with you if your a big fan of me then really you shouldn't be so suprised that I'm stalking a guy because I'm always stalking guys and the fact that he's 51 well about a month ago I was trying to bed a 16 year old and I'm the one who dated a 40 year old when I was 17 so really don't be so shocked!
Any how I have 3 weeks till I can ask him out (thats when I finish college). Man I really miss just lying the arms of a man I truly trust and falling asleep and just knowing that even when I wake up in the middle of the night crying after having a really bad nightmare that I won't be alone...
God damn it why do I always have to fall for "Mr wrong". He's a blasted teacher at college so I got to wait till I finish and then he'll probabaly say no because honestly what would a 51 year old want with a 22 year old.... He's hardly going to be interested in me now is he.
The inevatable question your all thinking. Am I just looking for a father figure? Well perhaps subconciously but honestly I have no idea, wouldn't be suprised thanks to my so called fucking father I'll probabaly never have a healthy relationship EVER! Actually probabally to the point where he actually doesn't even deserve to be classed as a dad or a father. From now on if I need to refer to him I'll call him Rob (because thats his name, not even sure if he deserves even that much dignity, dickhead would be much more appropriate, although there are so many dickheads to speak of thats just going to get confusing).
I would like to say to every gal and boy who claims to be my friend right up to the point where they become involved (a relationship) and I have to be like hey I'm Elle, remember me you used you used to be me mate... Thats fine, but it is not OK to drop me and then pick me up again when it suits you. Just something I thought I'd make clear! I mean Jesus christ I thought I had no morals, but dropping your mates IS NOT OK!!! (Not even for someone great).
I'm unbelivably fed up with men who spend stupid amounts of time flirting outragiously with me and then acting like its all my head. Drop the act guys because I have the texts to prove it this time, so up your ziggy with the waah waah brush (If you haven't seen strinke, the movie, get off the bleeding interent and go watch it, amazing).
I'm fed up with again being skint, and being a fucking sponge (as in always having to pray that people might take pity on me and buy me a few drinks). Role on january when I can get a job!!
I'm going to bedforshire now good night all
love and peace to my faithful followers .........
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Ok Elle now breeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaathhhh!
*Elle takes big breath*
Nope fuck it I'm still mad, Ok thats all I will say on the matter, if I start ranting about it all I may never stop and then the whole world will be in trouble!!
Note to self, Self inflicted pain...
1) Blood test for Hepititus B- Never ever have unprotected sex EVER AGAIN.... Actually I change me mind, NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN FULL STOP!
2) Period from hell- Never take a break from the pill periods arn't worth it, I'll deal with the consequences
3) Eye brow wax-Self inflicted!
Is it bad that I'm having a meladrama about the fact that I want to get my hair done, a hollywood wax (for those of you don't know a hollywood is every thing... yes all ya God damn pubes). My eyebrows tinted and a spray tan for my presentation on 16th December (after all Prince Harry could potentially be there) Whatever I need at least £60 and I'm sort of having a heart attack about it! God damn it!! Actually I need like £70 probabally! Fuck it, I'm on a serious hunt for a man now..
Oh and get this right stupid Nik... (yes there is no "C" in his name, kind of ironic really seeing as he is a cunt really) although the fact that he has no "C" in his name screams weirdo, should have known especially seeing as I met him through Ian (the alcoholic idiot that I once mistakenly went out with and what a mistake it was). Hmm me thinks I should stop meeting guys through ex's, good plan Elle...
So anyhows Nik and me sort of had a date... He took me to Asdas and bought me £20 worth of christmas decs (ready for Princess Elle's Christmas santa's grotto) and then I cooked him for dinner (which I would like to point out for 1) I actually let him round me house and I rarley invite boys to my place, partly cuz I can't deal with me mom and sis asking me 1000 and 1 questions the next day and partly cuz I never really how much you can trust those little rats with a penis AKA Men/boys/scumbags 2) because ... I've forgotten the 2nd reson so just because.... Oh hold on because I don't want a bunch of tramps turning up at me house...
Anyhow I never cook for guys cuz I just don't think they're worthy realyl of any of my time... OK so there are a few exceptions to the rules... don't get excited though, just a few...
Any how we watched "Get him to the Greek" the movie with Russell Brand who is fit fit and mmm more fit... Then he went home... at like 2am or whatever time it was... Then he bloody dumped me, little prick, I got dumped by someone I didn't even want to go out with FAN FUCKING TASTIC! Anyhow Right we was still meant to be mates.. I think and he picked me up from night school tuesday and then I wanted to take me to Ikea before christmas Day and he won't cuz he was going on about petrol being too much, and how he's got no money.
Its like what else is he going to do with him time, besides he always conveinietly has money for drugs and alcohol WANKER! Not finished just yet, we was having a row on the phone yesterday and then I accidently dropped the phone and it hung up on him so I thought "fuck it" I didn't bother ringing him back, if he can't be bothered to do me a favour I can't be arsed to waste my words of wisdom on him!!
However now that we're on the subject of men I would just like to have a little rant!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why do men have to be so crap! What is it about me and men aye the whole bullshit that I've been hearing since I was 13 ("I just don't want a girlfriend right now").... One month down the line they're with a girl who apparently are bosotted with and end up being together for 7 years, get married and have babies oh and then whoops, wasn't looking where he was going and smash gets hits by a bus... what a shame NOT! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!! Just fucking say it, I'm fed up with men having no balls, think I can't take it? I can!!!!
Yes guys you have to have the uncompfortable fucking break up conversation that goes something like this.......
Him: "Sorry Elle I just can't be with you any more"
Me: "Oh really whys that then, is it me"?
Him: "Honestly Elle, yes, I do really want a girlfriend but your just abit nuts and I don't think I can handle it for the long term, and I thought I'd end it before you get attached"
Me: "good, you can fuck off now, let me tell you a little bit about me... Your cute, but I'll always be cuter NO MATTER WHAT I'll always be smarter and urm shit... is that the time, you better fuck off now my new dates going to be here in 5 mins, he's only 16, he's got a tighter arse and he can keep going for longer"..
Sorry couldn't resist the last bit...
Any how thats how it should go so please boys spare my feelings and GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS!
Besides all that Sean (my street mate) ain't even got time to meet up with me because he was shopping with some other bird GREAT! and I saw him, dressed up to the nines, he never dresses up to see me! :-(.
Not even Ian wants to go out with me anymore, FUCK thats when you know things are bad.
I've recently self diagnosed myself with overeating disorder cuz I can't stop eating cakes and genral crap, so am getting fatter by the minute...
I want to cry every time I look in the mirror cuz the wanker doctors made me change pills because I'd been on bloody Dianette too long and now my acne's come back so basically I look like one big fat giant zit and then I started thinking of Diesel (like I do every fucking sunday) DID I MENTION I HATE SUNDAYS!!
Yes I may sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, and thats probabaly because I am feeling sorry for meself...
It just feels like it doesn't seem to matter how nice I am, or however hard I work it never flippin' pays off and its just crap!
I feel like everything I do or say at the moment just seems to piss people off and everyones screening my calls, to the point where I rung Beau (the last guy I went out with).
Actually I'm so pissed off I've actually turned me phone off! (I only ever do that when I'm really fucking irrate) and I am...
I probably should say at this point I do have good times, I hope people aren't offended that all I do is rant, I have been enjoying all the events I've been going to with all me lovley mates and hope you don't think I'm an ungreatful little cow, its just I'm struggling at the moment!
Any hows I am going to leave you now with the thought of its amazing how much you seem to want something you can't have and for some reason seems so much more desirable... and I shall leave it there...
love love love faithfull followers xxxx
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
...Ain't it funny how your new life never changed you, your still the same old girl you used to be...
Any how I am extremly tired so I write briefly today with my condonenses of how crap I am and how I swear by I shall write some decent shit soon. Hopefully tomo if I get the chance and if not then the w/e
Monday, 31 October 2011
She takes just like a woman, yes she does, she makes love just like a woman, and she aches just like a woman, but she breaks just a little girl...
So today, was the big day ... I finally got to see the Consultant phyciatrist (which for those of you who don't know is the top phyciatrist there is). Any how most of you already know I've been waiting for 9 years for this appointment (since I was 13). As you can imagine my stomach was in knots and I was terrified of lierally falling to bits in the consultants room (I was close, but I managed to hold myself together).
So I'd already done lots of work with my support worker Emily who works for the mental health charity Mind and I'd written everything that has happened my life and on a whole how I am and what the problem was.
He was really great, out of all the people I've seen it was like just such a relief to finally get a diagnosis and to hear from someone who has seen cases like mine for years to be able to tell me that I'm not alone and even though sometimes I just don't want to be here and I just want to die because the idea of being like "this" forever makes me feel so exausted.
He read me like a book, he just seemed to be completly get inside my head and its like he could just see. I guess the fact that he had notes on me since I was about 14 helped (Man he was good the amount of information he'd obtained, even I was impressed).
So I suppose your wondering what my diagnosis is.. it's called "Emotional unstable personality disorder/difficulties" AKA "Borderline Personality disorder". I.e I'm an emotional unstable wreck lol... no that was just a bit of humour thrown in to make it a bit lighter...
So where do I go from here...
This is the fun part. First things 1st, he's referring me to see a mental health nurse (which unfortunatly could take up to a couple months). She will see me and ask lots of questions and do this thing they call "sign posting" which basically means she'll investigate it and then I suspect will get treatment from a phycotherapist. However whilst I'm waiting I can read a bout "borderline personality disorder" on the "Mind" website, he's given me another website which looks individually at problems that have ocoured throughout my life, ie abuse, berevment, sleeping problems, drinking problems etc and it has quotes from other sufferers and what we can do to help ourselves. Finally there's a book called "I hate you- don't leave me"! And there we have it, that sums it up nicely. That title alone was just like wham!
A direct quote from the Phyciatrist "when your in a relationship are you always worried their going to leave you"? He cracked it! That wall I spent the last 10 years building around myself and making it so solid is tumbelling down and it has to!
Dad left when I was 4 and all this subconcious bullshit. Every relationship I've been in or even one night stand I've been completley mental. I've told so many lies I don't even want to admit it but whats the point of pretending any more. I've told guys I'm pregnant before over and over, I've slashed my wrists up, taken overdoses, I've stayed and taken so much shit from guys and been walked all over just because I think if I do then maybe they'll stay, maybe they won't leave me alone.
That horrible feeling of neglect and lonliness and terror. I can;t even begin to try to explain how that feels!
Wheres me dad now? He doesn't even know I had an appointment with the phyciatrist, its been almost 3 months and no phone call, letter, text, nothing. I may as well be dead for all he cares! Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want to know? I'm so broken its making me cry whilst I'm writting this and my eyeliners going to start running and so I better "pull myself together"!
Time to face the reality of what happens when your dad walks out when your 4 and clearly couldn't a flying fuck whether I'm dead or alive, being bullied so badly that the only way to recover is to die, or at least try and die, I can't even remember the amount of times I would sit in my room, cut myself with the scissors, punch myself in the face, smash my head against the wall, anything just to try and not think any more. Until I discovered alcohol and drowned my pain away with a bottle of vodka.
This is when I have to face the fact that I was almost reped at 16 and the point where I have to try not to blame myself and to the point where I need to no I'm not alone with that despite the situation no means no especially said more than 3 times!
fucking idiots no means no God I hate him so much I pray so much he's sitting in a cell right now!
I have to know that I'm not the only one who got abused by a boyfriend and putting up with it because he tells me he loves me and that he'll change and knowing at the back of my mind that he never will but praying that if I'm a better girlfriend he will and it'll be perfect!
To know that even though Diesel died in the end that it wasn't my fault and to work on berevment and the guilt that I hold, the weight of the world of my shoulders because I always think that there was something I could have done to prevent it, or if I'd just worked harder or if I could just be prettier then it would all be OK.
This may all sound totally fucking nuts but thats how I am and I belived it and a certain extent still do. People tell me that all the things that happened wern't my fault but I can't believe them not just yet any how.
I know this is all morbid, but actually you know what this is the way forward and you know people say sometimes the way forward can seem like the way back. I'm 1 step closer to the rd of recovery and although I now have to actually accept that I've got to deal with all this trauma I feel hope, something that had faded a while ago, I feel hope that one day I will be able to lead a normal life and have a healthy relationship with a man!
Right now tonight what I really wish is there was a man here who I trust 110% and who I know loves me to the bone which is what I long for more than anything and I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry and shake and to just show exactly how I feel and to feel safe for the whole night and to just get some God damn fucking sleep. Without a word spoken. Sometimes words just arn't needed! However that isn't going to happen because I don't no any man that loves me to the bone and who I trust 110% or who is willing to stay with me all night, so I guess I'll just cry alone like I usually do!
I think thats probabaly enough said for now. Please don't read this and pity me and least of all feel sorry for me, I'm not looking for a sympathy vote. I write so that people can get a better understanding of my life and my disease!
Hope this hasn't offended any one
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Oh, don't you leave me alone like this, don't you say its the final kiss, oh won't you stay another day..
So enough of that!
Hmmm note to self... walking up North Street... yet again another trampy fast food place opened... my thoughts, Oh joys just what Brighton needs another fast food place... obesiety is on the up rise.... AGAIN!
Just a quicky...
So the life of Princess Elle... Fuck me where do I begin, I rarley sleep there's like virtually no time I'm so stupidly busy...
Well things with Tom I think I can safley say are over, he doesn't even bother replying to my facebook messages anymore. He even untagged himself from my pictures too WANKER! I wrote him, but I very much dobut he'll even bother reading it. So me thinkies I should delete him from facebook... infact maybe just block him and that way I shall no be tempted to "stalk" him.
Good plan... although I did really want him to see the recent pictures of me on facebook looking happy and fabulous... It may be fake but he doesn't know that. I don't want him to think I'm just sitting at home obsessing over him... I sort of am doing that but he doesn't need to know that. However something deep inside me is telling me that he doesn't actually give a flying fuck and clearly I'm a twat for thinking that a 16 year old boy could be anything but like Tom! WHAT A MUG... (me I mean)... actually he's a mug too but for other reasons..
So we have esablished (hopefully) by this point that I'm feeling just a tad low... I actually was thinking earlier about Tom and men in general and after sending a text to Terry (yes I know I'm an idiot please don't say anything) I realised that it probabaly isn't Tom, I mean yes to a certain extent it was, it was like I really fancied him, and when we was away he was like this totally understanding guy who seemed to say everything I needed to hear and was just genrally lovley and yes maybe I'm just a little bit nieve still but I thought he actually meant it... what a fool I was ... I should have learnt by now that guys aren't in it for the whole with me.
Its like guys who go, "I just ain't looking for a relationship right now" and then a month later they're in a relationship and it's like mate why don't you just grow some balls and say what you really mean "you just don't want a relationship with me". Thats really depressing. To know that despite all of what people say to me I know that I'll never get married and have babies like everyone else.
Sometimes I can deal with it and other times it makes me want to kill myself.. Especially when I see (acception of me mom for obvious reasons) every one else in my family is in a relationship... Jennets with Matt, Kats with Dan, Bex is with Iain, Jax is with Nick and Ollys with Kat.
Wow its going to be a long and lonley life... although if I continue to make meself ridiculosly busy then time'll go quicker and I won't notice so much that I'm alone.
See this ain't about Tom, this is about men and how every guy I attempt to get with I hold that tiny bit of hope thats basically thread bare now and I hope that maybe just maybe he'll like me and he won't dump me before the week is through...
Ok enoughs enough, I need to retire to Bedforshire, I got work tomo and a very busy week ahead as always!
Good night my lusious followers
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Keep it hidden from the world, there's only a handful of people you can really truly trust on this plannet and thats a given!
So lets check in a bit with me...
Tom dumped me! Face bovared, does it look bovared! Lol ok I'll lose the attitude and the act a little bit. Course I care. I got used by a 16 year old boy! Surley I should know better by now? Apparently I'll never learn my lesson!
However the break down period has reduced immensly! I could almost say I'm over it... him.. OK perhaps not, but still doing things for me!
My knittings coming along quite nicley (I know I'm like 22 going on 82 but shhhhh) stops me drinking.
Me and "Mr across the Road" are back to normal again... well I think normal would be an understatment because we're both miles away from "normal" fuck being normal, normals for boring twats! Any how we're hanging out, talking, drinking tea... (I drink tea he smokes a joint.. thats pretty standered for us).
I'm not stalking anyone at the moment..
God lifes so boring when I ain't stalking anyone of got a "project" AKA a man!
However bought meself some lush new boots today just a little present for me, from me to show my appriciation towards myself!
Ohhh Robs getting me this amazing corset for Christmas oh my goshie its proper lushie, check out the sight, tis on fb (facebook for the weirdos out there that haven't quite worked out the abrieviation for it yet).
Can you belive christmas is only 64 days away fuccccccccck! Better crack on with making the presents.. this week should be good as no drama on wed or night school on tuesday result!
I've asked for soooo many nice things hope I get them... to be fair I've mainly asked for nail varnish and DVDS the only big things I've asked for is a lava lamp which these days are ... £10 on amazon and a cocktail set which is £20 (but that includes ice crusher) so hopefully me mummy will get me that and then me sisters and relatives can get me nail varnish and DVDs! I very much dobut me dad will get me anything this year. Stingie bastared that he is and seeing as he's still throwing a strop over the fact that I didn't send him a fathers day card or a birthday card whatever man. He's a shit dad! He wouldn't even lend me £3 for loo role when I was skint and had to drip cuz of lack of bog role and funds, ha for someone thats sitting on £50,000 thats pretty steep! Should just fucking rob him! The point I was making is if he won't help me out why should I use the very small amount of money that I do get on buying him a card and a stamp to say happy fucking birthday and fathers day ... DEAR DAD CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE SHITTEST DAD... EVER... LOVE YOU! I mean do behave!!
Hey my step dad might give me some doe... I can hope any how lol.
I swear down before the year ends I will get my tattoo done and my 3rd and 4th holes in my ear done God damn it I always have to wait too fucking long...
A little glimpse of Tom just came into me head then.
Christmas time, he's going to be all alone banged up and I'll be with my amazing sis, her man, me nephew and me mother but as I bring up a lot we all know that feeling of being surrounded by people but yet feeling so alone thats what I'll be like on christmas day, I'll probabally be sitting and wondering about him too.
od he's so young! I wish he could see how much potential he has! It makes me so angry the whole situation! He's so smart, he's a propa little man but because of things he just can't see it and his lifes already over before its begun, this is just the begining he'll be in and out of prison now forever undobutedly and end up like poor old Sean who will never become clean (off the gear) or Diesel may he R.I.P! Do you know how shit it is to know whats going to happen before it has and to know full well there's nothing you can do to change it. It's so frustrating!
Any how I've got to focus on me...
God a bollocking a college the other day...
- Inappopriate clothing ... skirts too short.. interesting isn't it how its only woman that critisise this ...
- Talking about sex too much. Exscuse me I'm giving these kids a sex education lesson that'll they'll never forget and take with them for ever, and to be fair one day it'll probabally benefit them.
- talking about me problemos ... OK so maybe that one is a fair point!
- I actually got sent to counselling.
Ohhhhhhh if I've been a naughty girl turn me over and spank me and it'll probablly turn me on ha ha cuz I'm a dirty ho ;) ha ha love it!
I actually think the counsellor needed to see someone after seeing me, after I told her about all the trauma I'd been thru she looked pretty traumitised herself... thank God its only 9 days till I see Dr doo dee dah phyciatrist dude who hopefuly will be the answer to my prayers.... thats ironic seeing as I don't pray but you get me..
so what else is going on in the life of Princess Elle... well fuck knows! I can't belive its only 9.10pm it feels so much later.. me thinking should go out ... afterall tis saturday... I need some new blood... hmmmmmmmm PROJECT...
love ya xxxxxxx
Sunday, 16 October 2011
I just want to start by saying my family drive me nuts and I swear me mom always knows when I'm up to know good... I.e drinking and sneaking boys home! What the fuck how old am I? 16 again, I mean fuck off I'm 22 years old for crying out loud.
Whatevers we'll come to that in a bit...
So I've been away with college to Dartmoore in Devon and yes it was the worst week of my life! Staying in basically a squat, where there are spider webs every where, wood worm, ucompfy beds, toilets outside the bedrooms (yes you actually had to walk outside to get to the loo at 3am). Baring in mind that I am a princess and I'm used to my double outhapedic matrouse, electric blanket with all my princess dresses and high heels. I don't exactly think hiking around for a week is particulary up my street. Especially with a bunch of teenagers who can't cook or clean apparently (hmm maybe thats a bit unfair there was the bare minumum) still totally fucked me off!!
I'm pretty sure majority of the people I went away with arn't talking to me, but hey I didn't sign up for friendship, I signed up for the course!
I had a manic episode on thursday and friday. Not good, I attempted to slash up my wrists with a blunt knife (this wasn't intentional, there were no sharp knives) however the knife draw got hidden any how!
I also tried to OD.
Don't ask its bipolar, no control over it what so ever :-(.
I did however absail off a 100 foot bridge and swim in a freezing cold lake and climb a lot of very dangourous rocks, not to mention walking about a 20 million mile hike... Ok so I'm exaderating, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't!
So how would I bring in Tom into all of this without you all falling off ya chairs...
Fuck that those of you who know me should be shocked by nothing I say or do so here goes..
Tom is a 16 year old boy who goes to college with me and I slept in the same bed as him monday, tuesday and wednesday... what can I say I'm a horney bitch who just got my HIV/syphalis results back NEGATIVE!! RESULT!! No I didn't shag him, we kissed and touched though... I was good actually I didn't even let him finger me!
However I did get drunk friday... and saturday (yes I know not very good recovering alcoholic) but after my week I more than earnt it.
So sneaked Tom back to mine last night and shagged him!
He is so fucking sexy and young, is that really wrong? He don't look or act 16 so whatever! Besides he's shagged woman older than me before so whatever! OK I am really trying to justify the fact that I shagged a 16 year old boy today and yesterday... I can't help it he is propa lush!
We're meant to be together but he's 16 and I'm a mess so we'll see how long that lasts...
God its so frustrating, plus he's going inside on 15th December so won't get to see him for 6 months. Bless him though he ain't had the easiest of lives and he's so young, you know what that means ;-) I can mould him, when guys get to their 20's they're beyond "fixing" but Tom has so much potential and my God he's so sexy, he's like 6 foot, stunning blue eyes, amazing body, lucious smile and well fit bum ;-)!!!
I promise I'm not a perv... OK maybe just a bit.
So as the last line for todays title just because currently seeing Tom does not mean I should forget meself, as in still stick to everything I need to do and me mates ALWAYS come 1st no matter what!
You know now that I'm back I feel a lot better and I have a good feeling about 2012! Afterall this year ain't been too bad. I've only shagged Luke, Mike, Terry, Marc and Tom this year. Up to 37 now! Fuck actually 5 ain't really that good.
Fuck it the only person that has the right to judge me is me!
I'm living my life now no one elses.
On that note I must now go as always working to a tight schedule, must have a bath, exfoliate, shave me legs, chose me outfit for tomo, paint me nails and well thats enough, its already 9pm, I intend to be in bed before midnight tonight!
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
So its been a couple weeks now and your probabally wondering whats been going on so I'm going to be incredably optimistic here just to piss you all off .. (kidding). Optimism doesn't run through my blood too often so when it does I feel the need to express it. Call me arrogent all you like but I've been through hell and back so feeling a little bit hopeful is something I would like to big up as much as possible whilst it lasts. I may be a tad bitchy too, but a little bit of bitchiness is definitly necessery!
So I have been a "busy bee" as Paul (me mate up London) likes to call me (no I'm not shagging him)! Member I'm an ex hooker!
I finally finished knitting my phone case its fabulous! (laugh all you like) least I got something to show for my time besides a hangover and a hole in my purse!
I finally got "Mr across the Rd" who I still call to this day because he still hasn't told me what he wants me to call him, so for now we'll stick with "Mr across the Rd".
Yeah so you know that sort of feeling when you obsess over someone for a really long time because you ain't got the balls to actually go and talk to them and you fantasise and day dream about them like all the time, and you sort of end up creating exactly that A FANTASY! Doesn't exist darlings. He's one of the biggest pricks I've met so far (admitidly I'll give him that he's a good kisser) only because I'm about to knock his "pride." (as we all know "pride" to man means his cock). Please am I being ignorant here but will someone please tell me what men mean when they say they have a cock? Because the last ... every man infact thats told me they've got a big cock (and this is me guessing about 8 inches +) ... of course unless 3 inches is the average these days in which case then wow 5 is huge...
Seriously though when are guys going to realise I couldn't give a flying fuck in hell how big their cock is, I'm not dating their cock I want to date their mind. In actualfact I hate big cocks anyhow. I mean for crying out loud us girls don't go round shouting about how big are flipping vaginas are... I mean you'd think...
Also may I just add if any man (the type that would brag about the size of cock, cuz this isn't all men, this is a type of man). who actually had any idea of how to please a woman should know that the G-spot is roughly 2.5 inches up into the vagina on the front wall and therefore an 8 inch cock is just a waste of blood and the clits best stimulated with the tounge.
If one more guy mentions about how he's going to "ruin" me during sex, do yourself a favour and don't bother, full of shit mate!
So "Mr across the road" was a bit of a disapointment, but hey I completed the challenge, 3 months without sex so finally i can get my last and final test HALLILUIA!
So I am now at college woop woop its amazing, my self esteem I feel has already imensley improved in just over the 3 days I've been attending. I've bonded well with a few of the girls and guys they're all really supportive and unjudgmental which is a huge relief!
Started my beauty course too, its very intense but you know what I'm going to stick with it and tudy really hard, jesus I've waited long enough.
So any of my trusty followers fancy free facials etc whilst I do each module inbox me on fb and we can work something out ;-)
Ooooooooh was in me show too on sunday was shattered but was all good shit, check out pics on the link. http://www.flickr.com/caporushes/sets/72157627766818112/show/
On that note I may actually fall sleep typing so shall being going to the land of nod however shall try to be less lame and update more often!
Mucho lovos darlin'g reliable followers
I have much care for you
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Man my life sucks!!
I wish good things last but they don't!
The majority of my problems revolve around money and men!
I live off virtually nothing and now the buses have gone up from £55 to £62 thats £7! This is a fucking joke, I swear I don't even know what I'm paying for, to stand around in the cold for near enough at least half hour everytime I wait for a bus. I'm on the serious case to complain to a lot of authority people right now, God fucking damn it!
I can't even aford to buy the material to make peoples christmas presents this year!
I'm in desperate need of one of those light boxes for SAD cuz autumns only just started and already I'm suffereing from severe lack of vitimin D but unfortunatly they cost between £50-£100!
Why does everything cost so much fucking money! It's a joke.
So I think I'm down to my last straw after attempting to ask people to you know maybe ... give me £50 so I can buy all my bits to make everyone christmas prezzies and being rejected I conclude I have two options left the 1st being
commit suicide (and I'm really sorry if you read this and think a) I'm being a drama queen/attention seeker, b) thats a really selfish thing to put up for people to read). However my argument is this is my blog and I don't sugar coat things and I write the truth of how I feel and as I always say, you are reading it at your own risk!
and how the other option is becoming a theif... Ok lets say "borrowing" theif doesn't sound too good. So I like borrow things from say Tescos for example (come on it isn't like they can't afford it). I just happen to forget to return it!
Although relistically neither of those options are a good idea really are they.
So here I am stuck back at square one, misurable, depressed and skint, without ciggerettes, alcohol or sex! Fabulous! I mean what was so bad about being a chain smoker, an alcoholic and the best sex life in Brighton, fuck getting called a whore it solved my money problems. If I was having sex I wasn't sitting round depressed about money and thinking about where the next meals going to come from! I feel as though I may fall off the wagon soon with the booze, yay or nay?
So I saw Barney today, you all know Barney right? Some prick that stole my virginity ... actually I gave it up pretty williningly to be fair to him. But I was maybe not in love with him but besotted with him! He's still as gawjuss as ever, fuck him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth tanned skin ugh I officially hate him for still being able to make me catch me breath 6 years down the line! His now fiance of 5 years is really not very attractive and overweight, can I just say at this point I am not delibratly a bitch, but he broke my fucking heart and so why could he be with her not me? I know I'm not exactly little miss stunning but I thought I'd grown into my looks (or maybe I've just grown out of them, God knows). Any how so if it isn't my looks then it must be my personality and I kind of think thats worse! I know i'm mentally ill, but would it be really bad if I started stalking him in attempt to win him back... I know where he lives!
This stalking business is getting a little out of hand me thinks. I mean I stalked him for a year before I even had the bleeding balls to ask for his number and I think I need to seriously give up stalking "mr across the Rd". Oh jesus and then I started stalking this new guy Wakan- I have no idea jhow to pronounce this, he's 22, born in Pakestan but living in london and thinking of moving to Brighton (round the corner from me mums-conveniently) has a car too (although its green, not good). Whatever he's an idiot because he took my digits and hasn't rung or added me on fb! (yes he did ask me for me fb name)! I really hate guys taking me number, I'd much rather take there's cuz as you all know I'm a total control freak and I like to be able to contact them if I want or keep them hanging on if I want, but now he has all the control and I have none GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck it I refuse to get silly over boys- I AM NOT 15 ANYMORE!
Jesus I'm really struggling with the whole Diesel situation, everytime I kind of think I'm OK with it something reminds me of something he said or did or wore or whatever and it all comes rushing back!
For fuck sake when will I be at ease with his suicide!
Not a good subject to bring up at night thats me having night mares all night BRILLIANT! Although it is September 11th so I guess it would be inevatable anyhow.
OK thats it I'm going to job centre tomo to demand they give me more money CUNTS blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm sure theres more to write, like Terrys a prick, and my dads a wanker, but hey guess you already knew that if you are a regular follower!
I'm going to go pass out I'm beyond tired need sleepppppppppppppppppppppp
Peace out lovers
love , love , love
Sunday, 4 September 2011
If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with ma friends, make it last forever friendship never ends ...
I'm not doing a very good job at my updates am I recently, terrible. I do apoligise, I've been ridiculosly busy!
So current mood, would be somewhere between frustrated and annoyed! I am frustrated because I have recently developed a crush for "mr across the road" and my Goshie he is hottie ;-) infact we actually had our first conversation the other day he called across the road "you alright" and I was like "yeah am fine thanks you"? and he was like "yeah all good"! This is a big step for me. Although after going out with the girls today (Andrea, Dani and Kate) I've made the decision to leave my number that I give to boys (as in not the number I use for long term people ie mates and family) and leave it on his windscreen wiper of his car. Accept there is one tiny problem... actually a great big fucking fat juicy one! He's not in... well at least his cars not there and his bedroom light isn't on and there's no chance he would be asleep now! I've been watching the house since 8pm! (Oh jesus I'm begining to sound like a bit of a phyco).
Look he lives oppisite OK I am NOT stalking ... I promise... Ok maybe just a little.. heehee.
Anyhow back to the point thats why I'm frustrated. I thought if I just leave my number and a kiss that way if he rings I can't answer cuz my other phone only works for texting and he'll just get o2 voicemail, as opposed to my increadably embarassing one about being a fucking princess (even though, lets face it I am... a princess that is) (not a fucking one.. I'm celibate STILL and jesus don't I just know it)!!! anyhow going off on abit of a tangent as always so I was going to wait for him to text me and ask if he's single and if he says no I won't text him again and he'll never even no it was me mwahahahahahaha! This would all be a hell of a lot simpler if I knew his fucking name, I could find him on fb. Or I dunno if I knew one of his mates names I could find him through that arghhhhhhhhhh!! So anyhows gotta do it the hard way...
I'm annoyed because my dad is an official wanker! Guess I sort of knew that anyhow. 3 months he ain't rung me and so I started thinking probabaly should get in touch, coming up for christmas and all that and my step mums obviously pissed off with me cuz she passed me straight over to my dad. Not sure what I'm meant to have done but hey she does like to hold grudges even worse than me... although it would be nice if I knew what I had done wrong. I know I ain't rung in a while but jesus they never rung me neither and I was the one that was homeless!
Anyhows so my dad clearly reluctently talked to me and I kind of wish I hadn't bothered... I won't in future, Jesus its really not worth the hassel just for about £30 worth of christmas presents. I don't have to prove nout to him, or her for that matter or anyone. Anyways so told me dad about college and stuff and all the things I'd been doing but got fuck all support and enthusiasm and now I remember why I stopped ringing in the 1st place. Fuck it, would have been so much easier if he just left when I was 4 and that was it, he's mad e it so much worse coming in and out of my life for 18 years, I wish I never knew him, it would have made it easier, I could have hated him that way. Instead I just resent him, I don't know whats worse!
Men aye MEH!
Rant over. There is a little bit more shit stuff and then I fill you with the good news... Well I had my wanking wisdom tooth number 2 out and I was completly off my face it was quite amusing.. until it wore off and I was in agony, never the less I'm gradually healing..
My sister (becca) can really be like the nasiset bitch ever sometimes, although she's away until tomo so making the most of lack of bossiness and the TV not being dominated, or the fact that she goes out of her way to get in the shower before me when she knows I've got to be somewhere by a ceratin time.
Emma (as in my supposed best mate) decided that I am a bitch because apparently I never support her even though it was always me going to see her and she always cancelled on me so not sure how I was meant to support her but anyhow its been weeks now, so she'll probabaly just go get married and have a bunch of kids but whatever her life not mine!
So on the plus side, I don't have any STD's so now just have one last HIV test left to have in a couple weeks and I'm all clear!
I haven't had a ciggerette or an alcoholic drink for months, and I am also still celibate...
I got onto my beauty therapy course at Lewes college, I got onto the princes Trsut team programme, I've taken up knitting, I'm still doing me voluntry work at Newhaven Fort, I've joined a drama group too :-D.
All optimistic things..
And I've joined a bi polar support group (1st thursday of every month). Its so good to not feel alone with me illness any more. Get this too I finally after 9 years have an appointment with a consultant phyciatrist HALLILULA!!!!!!
I finally might get a real diagnosis.
Good shit and I went to Princess Andrea's Oasis party friday night and won £50 gift vouchers to spend at Oasis wooop wooop :D and the lovley Dani gave me her free gift which was this totally wicked bracelet.
Man I love me mates!
xx mwah xx
Now heading off to write my christmas list so I can send it to Santa, mmm santa I've been a very good gal this year ;-) oh and got serious boy stalking to do!
Peace out me faithful followers!
love love love
Sunday, 21 August 2011
So there we have it I stupidly went from dating guys in their 30s and occasionally even 40's to then giving guys in their 20s ago and it's crazy how different the conversation flows.
For example if I was trying to talk to a guy in their 20's about my anxietys and problems etc I just get this completly bullshit response. Spmething like "snap out of it" or "oh well I don't care its not me thats upset you" or even "I'm not really interested in hearing about this". Ever noticed how they're happy to go on and on and on about crap that we're not really interested in but yet expect us to listen and if we don't they "go into their cave".
So no more men in their 20's its a no go area! Look I've had Chris, Terry, Craig, Beau, Luke, Ian, etc and apart from all being pricks they all had one thing in common, men in their 20's!!!
Now as you know I try not to genralize but all in all men in their 30's tend to be much more understanding, and better at listening, not spending their whole time looking for someone else to blame when something doesn't work out and knows how to take responsability for their actions!!
So your probabaly been wondering what dramas have been going down in the world of princess in the last 3 weeks...
Well apart from developing a massive crush on mr across the Rd I haven't really had an interaction with men!
I haven't snogged any men or slept with any men...
I am still celibate, still on the wagon and still not smoking. I belive its either 10 or 11 weeks without a ciggy tomo. About 2 months without a drink on thursday and 8 weeks without sex today, only 3 more weeks till I can go for my blood test, I already had my last STD test and should get the results in about 1/2 weeks time so fingers crossed for me...
Other than that I have learnt how to knit and going to "knit and natter" club on mondays don't fucking laugh OK it's better than sitting around watching people get drunk or attempting to have a conversation with someone in a club whilst shouting at them and not hearing what they say anyhow cuz its too loud and they're too drunk to make any sense any how. At least with knitting you have something to show for it as opposed to a sore head and an empty purse. Not that I need to justify myself of course!!
Been still doing me voluntry work, infact I'm seeing the shakespeare play that we must not say on tuesday night!
Going to see ma sis tomo an all its been way too long.
Oh did I mention that Becca is completly unreasonable. I swear she suffers from conveinient amnesia. We had a massive fight on friday, which sort of lead on from thursday. PArtly cuz she's completly unreasonable and a bully.
Thursday night. I'm in the living room with her (her being Becca my delightful sister) and Iain and I was saying ohhh I hope mum pays for me tomo night as I'm totally skint and she was all like well I dobut it she may pay a bit towards it, and I was like oh but I'm totally skint, and she's all like well you had money to go swimming! I mean hello swimming is £2.30 its hardly the same price as a meal, and I'm certainly not giving that up, its just about the only thing that stops me from breaking her legs when shes being a bitch which seems to get more and more frequant by the hour. She's on a total mission to get mum to kick me out!
So any how I was all like oh I won't come then, and she was like whatever don't come then I don't care. So I was like oh whatever you can sort the cake out on your own.
So I start reading me book and her and Iain start arguing because that's all they ever fucking do. I was like jesus can you not I get bored listening. So she was all like well you don't have to read down here. So I was like fine and went next door to use the printer. So she then comes in and starts having a pop at me about using the printer, I love the way she thinks she owns the place!
Anyhow she was acting OKish later so I sort of let it go.
However the next day I'm baking the cake for mum and Jude birthday and she comes home and starts telling me off for just about everything telling me I'm doing it all wrong. I did try to not get cross but its hard when someone is constantly on your case for EVERYTHING! So I snapped and yes I do shout quite loudly. I walked out and went upstairs and she just doesn't leave me alone she follows me upstairs shouting up at me at the bottom of the stairs. She can be such a cow too she told me that mum should just kick me out and she hates me and that I should just go kill myself. She's such a bitch. She made me cry, but she doesn't care, I'll never get an appolagy of the middle class cow that thinks shes right no matter what she does or says.
I texted mum to say that I wasn't coming for dinner because becca had been horrible to me and made me cry and that I couldn't afford it anyhow. She told me she was expecting to pay for me anyhow and that to try to just be civilised to one another for one evening. Jude came up and had a chat with me when they arrived home!
So I did end up going. Her and Iain had a row for about 2 hours before we went out and mum was really upset. I swear she goes on about how I think the hole world revolves around me, but at least I don't deny it and besides shes dying for the whole world to revolve around her. Hasn't anyone told that girl thats the only person jealousy hurts is yourself! Apparently not!
Still I find out if I can do the princes trust course on friday. If i do that starts in september and its full time so that'll keep me well out the way for 12 weeks at least.
I also find on on 31st (10 days today) whether I get onto my beauty therapy course! Man I'm praying soooooo hard!!
I'm also considering having me hair cut short again... What do peoples think if that?
Any hows that gives you alot to think about.
Peace out my amazing followers
love love love
Sunday, 31 July 2011
What can I say I just I feel like.. ok how to I put this without sounding like a total bitch?
...I am a total bitch so fuck it. You know like when people have an okish job and a flat or whatever and they're say in their early 20s and they plan to have a child with their "long term boyfriend"/ fiance! Well I always feel like there's got to be more to life than just having an Okish job and a bunch of kids. Well thats kind of how I feel with guys. I just feel like there's got to be more to men than what there is.
So your wondering why me and Beau broke up? I'll tel you why ...
I haven't met anyone as big as a wind up merchant as Beau since I left school. He drove me mad. It just was like this constant obsession to see how far he could push me before I either cried, wanted to kill him or hit the bottle. Not exactly a great start to a healthy relationship.
It wasn't just that I guess I felt like he was completly incapable of being sensitve towards my feelings. Using what I'd told him against me. (Yes OK so maybe I shouldn't tell guys everything so quickly but thats no exscuse). For example going on and on about how many people I'd slept with like it was some sort of crazy fixation or something past is past. Let it go. His paranoia that I was going to cheat on him (OK so in the past I may have cheated but 1st time I was 16 hello and 2nd time was Chris so need I say any more). Oh and he was always on at me for supposedly looking at girls...
He used me once upon a time being a hooker against me, which actually is none of his damn business and no one has a right to judge me!
When I started getting really bad anxiety about my ex Diesel who killed himself instead of trying to be understanding he just kept telling me to snap out of it!
I really can't be bothered to go on. You get the jist of it..
Any how I left the hotel at 5.30am and sat in Mac Donalds till 8am when the bus came to take me back to Brighton. He did offer to let me stay until the 1st bus came after he'd pushed me well over my limit, by this point I was so frustrated, pissed off and bitter the idea of spending another minute with him felt like torture and for all of you know me and know how much I despise Mac Donalds must understand how bad it would have been for me to chose sitting in there for 2.5 hours as oppossed to spend another minute with him.
So am I sad? To be honest I'm kind of relieved he wasn't making me happy, I certainly wasn't making him happy and all we did was argue!
Thinking about becoming a swinger. Getting a vagazzle, can't wait for me celabacy to be over! I think I got about 6 more weeks! Thank fuck!
Any how I'm exauasted so should proabablly go, a night of sex in the city tonight me thinks...
Sunday, 24 July 2011
So I have been running around like a blue arsed fly; swimming, getting to appointments, working, doing me co-counselling and attempting to see mates but sometimes wondering where the hours in the day have gone.
So your wondering who dumped me? Well that was Craig, I wouldn't really have called him my boyfriend just another prick to add to the list really, besides he wasn't even that cute, I'm better!
Any how so you want to know who me man is yes?
Well he's called Beau (for the weirdos out there who don't know it means beautiful in french). And bless him he really is.
I met him online begrugingly because I was coming to litrally the very end of my teather with men until I met Beau!
He lives in Ascott and I have absolutly no idea where that is because my geography is appauling but according to him it's about an hour and half drive away!
So he came to pick me up friday evening and we booked into the Lansdowne Place hotel which was totally cosmopolitan! I'd previously made reservations at La tascas so we got a taxi there and the food was amazing as ever, fuck I love food too much for this stupid diet bullshit (although I am still going to aim towards being a skinny mini).
We went back to the hotel for cocktails after dinner was a totally amazing night...
Yeah I know what your questioning but sorry to disapoint you but read up... 5 WEEKS CELIBATE... no I didn't slip up I still haven't had sex, trust me come september the wait will be well worth it!
So acception of a few hiccups all in all it was a lovely weekend I didn't want Beau to leave but I know that good things come to those who wait and besides I've only got to wait 6 more days before I see him again and if you saw how packed my diary is you'll understand how one week roles into the next week without a blink of an eye seriously before I know it I'm going to be 40 years old with bunions the size of Africa .. (actually they already are the size of Africa) the size of Jupiter and a great big bum and tits that reach so low even the devil can have a fucking grope, fuck me thats really depressing!
Oh and one more thing please don't tell me I'm putting all my eggs into one basket because for one I'm fed up with expressions, for two that expressions is completly over rated and for 3 I don't have any eggs so blurgh!
I love the way everytime I seem to have good news my family can't just be like "do you know what Elle that's really good" instead they have to start ranting on about some shit and then I just want to scratch their eyes out!
It would just be nice if for once every one could just support me on my decision and trust my judgment (this isn't actually refereing to my new man, but thats probabally why I haven't told mum yet cuz I can already hear her voice ringing in my ear) I was actually refering to my courses that I start in a month and a week! Wow don't you just love being supported!
Any how thats all for now I'm tired and severly craving chocolate, ta ta for now!
Peace and love to my faithful followers
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Anyhows it's been 5 weeks and 2 days without a ciggerette, 3 weeks and 6 days sober and 2 weeks 3 days celibate. I can assure you it ain't easy and all I do is eat. My eatings sort of out of control at the moment. Its seems that I can't stop.
I've got loads of thigns to do today and the idea of doing them makes me feel shaken to the bone. I sslashed up my arm last night and today I feel guilty ick and tired!
I feel the agraphobia kicking in which means I definitly need to do what I had planned for today because otherwise it'll get worse.
I'm meant to be going for a swim in the next half hour before it gets busy, then to come back here for abit and then be in Newhaven for 3pm for Tia Chi till 5pm and then back here (to mums) to then meet Jess and 8pm. That involves getting 8 buses today.. that is not cool.
But hey if I just take one step at a time. Like make it to the pool and then getting to newhaven, I just need to stop thinking so flippin' much.
I feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!
So what else is going on? What besides that fact that I'm going to be homeless??
Well I ended things with Jimmy... actually to be honest I didn't I just didn't contact him again, but then he didn't contact me either so there you go..
I dunno there was no chemistry and ... fuck have I already said all this in my last blog???
So I've started seeing this guy Craig, I ain't giving too much away but I do really like him and I'm praying that I don't fuck this one up and I'm terified that I'm going to, just for once please send some luck my way I'll be good forever I promise.
I'm sorry for slashing up me arms, its just sometimes it just gets too much...
Okies I should probablly go.
I am in agony my tooth still hurts, I've got a mouth ulcer the size of jupiter and the antibiotics has given me thrush from hell OH JOYS!!!
Thursday, 7 July 2011
I then puled out my stupid bumpit and hair grips and just threw them, after that I tore off my gawjuss lepord print dress stamped on it and spat on it, then I dug all my nails into my cheeks and scrapped downwards so it looks like I've been scratched by a wild cat and I'm screaming as well with rage whilst doing all this. Then I see this guy and he's looking at me and I'm just so fucking mad I just go up to him and start punching him over and over again and kicking him and just screaming... Hmmm and I wondered why they sectioned me...
Ok ok that didn't happen, but in my head thats what I could see happening, and whats the point of writting what really happened. I sat on the bus thinking about all the guys that have used and abused me, Luke, Terry, Chris, Ian, Marc, Aaron etc and think about each one and I could feel tears prick up in my eyes, but crying in a public place (especially the bus where there's no where to hide) is embarrassing at the best of times, even more so when your done up to the nines, the risk of make up running everywhere and looking like you've been beaten up is not a good look!
So I waited till I got in, collapsed onto the sofa and cried.
Yes I am due on so my hormones are higher than usual but I'm through with it, I'm through with men! How the fuck are we confusing? Seriosuly WHAT THE FUCK DO MEN ACTUALLY WANT!? Will someone actually tell me please. Right I've been nice, I've spent hours getting ready, constantly looking immaculate, I've been a bitch to men, I've given them sex even when I'm not really in the mood or I'm tired, I've made paintings for men, I've been smart, I've been stupid, I've made them food and I'm talking good food, I've texted and rung alot, I've played it cool with the texting and ringing!
I'M FUCKING EXAUSTED WILL SOMEONE ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK MEN WANT!?
Do you know what I don't even care anymore I'm actually done with men, fuck them, fuck the lot of them, they can go stick their fucking cocks up and fucking horses bum hole cuz I am fuckign done, done, done!
You know I'm too good for all this bollocks, I'm a smart girl and I'm fed up with guys consistantly throwing all my kindness back in my face so from now on its about me, myself and I... Course me mates and family too!
As far as men are concerned your all shit!
2.5 hours sunday night I spent getting ready and 2 tonight for what... "you look nice"!!!
NICE, NICE, FUCKING NICE, will someone tell me what I'm meant to do with nice!!!??? I am none other than cosmopolitan and I am fucking fed up with men (sorry boys) and their constant whinning, and talking talking talking...
"Oh hurry up", "whats taking you so long", blah dee blah dee blah right girls we've all heard it well heres a thought, unlike you disgusting little rats aka boys we actually like to take pride in out apperance and if we went out in jeans and trainers, without any make up or without brushing our hair, cleaning our teeth or putting on a nice scent we'd never hear the fucking end of it so heres an idea GO FUCK YOURSELVES, OR A HORSES BUM, BUT DEFINITLY NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen I'm really sorry if this offends anyone. I ain't aiming it at all men but you all know what I'm like by now...
love, love, love
Friday, 1 July 2011
Seriously, at 11.30am on the show "this morning" they're already talking about sex I mean jesus christ this is not what I want to wake up to.
I know what you might be thinking, my sister (becca) said to me yesterday "jesus Elle not everyone has sex on the brain". God damn it I do have sex on the brain. Its hardly a suprise though every where I look its basically in my face!!
So last night I was pretty wasted, I only had 3 double vodkas and cokes, which is I suppose an eqivalant to 6 vodka and cokes and for someone who doesn't drink is quite alot.
Anyhow I've decided thats it now. Time to get sober again, I can't keep doing this! I keep just going from my addiction to sex, then back to m addiction of alcohol and both together is just a great big no go area!!
It feels like if I can't get my sex fix then I go get my fix from drink.
So heres an idea, give up drinking and give up sex.
It sounds hard but wasn't it me who said I want to live a life without addiction?
So heres my plan ...
I've gone 3.5 years without a sip of alcohol and then another 6 months so I can do it, I've proved to myself I can do it!
Obviously I'm not going to never have sex again so heres my plan on the sex front.
I last had sex sunday so from sunday I need to count 3 months (or 12 weeks) and then I can go get a check up at the clinic to for an HIV test from when I slept with Terry and from the guy I shagged sunday and a screen test from the guy I slept with sunday. So basically my plan is to not have sex until that date!
For the average single person this would be relativly easy, me being the not average girl its going to prove extremly difficult especially if I meet someone. But then if I do meet someone if they like me enough they'll wait and if not they ain't worth it any how.
I've gone 7 months before so 3 months or just under) should be a doddle!!
Okies there we have it plan...
Think I might see if I can start over with Craig, go on a date (and no going to Mac donalds at 2am does not count as a date).
So yeah start again give it ago before just writting it off.
Any how 1.30pm... Need to be in Brighton for 3pm and still in my pjs so should probabally leave now.
Staying at Jakes tonight as my mother is kindly kicking me out for the weekend as my auntie's down oh joys.
Thursday, 30 June 2011
I just want to say I'm not a vileont nutcase, I write this blog merley for myself to let off steam. Sometimes it can be really hard to keep it all locked up, I know what I write sometimes can be shocking, and subtelty was never my strong point!
Any how so met up with Aaron last night. My suspicions we're definitly conformed he's a right little prick. He kept trying (sorry not trying actually doing) putting his hand up my skirt, and completly ignoring the fact that I told him to get off. You know I was thinking about it and actually most of the guys I've slept with could potentially been classed as rape cuz I'm pretty sure about 50% of the guys I've slept with I've told to stop and they're just all like let me carry on for another couple mins and I'm kind of like seriously stop and they just completly ignore me and then before I know it they've blown their load and they're already zipping up and getting ready to leave.
You know what men really are little shits.
Aaron's actually told me to fuck off and not to text or ring him again cuz I wouldn't sleep with him. Now usually I would have sent him the arsiest text back like ever but in actual fact I stopped and I thought, do you know what I'm way too good for this guy who has bad breath, herpes on his face, is a right twat and isn't even realyl cute at all, I started thinking jesus my standards really have slipped! And that he isn't even worth a free text or one of my free minutes so I ignored it completly.
I'm through with men, they actually are all pricks.
Right and something that really gets me fucking fuming is this obsession guys have about girls being pretty!!!!!!!!!
Heres a conversation between me and Aaron...
Me: Why you so into me any ways I thought I was a whore!!
Aaron: Oh yeah but your beautiful so its kind of OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Please will someone tell me what the fuck the word pretty, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous etc means?
Does it mean you can sleep with 1000's of men and it doesn't matter, does it mean you can take loads of drugs, does it mean you can shop lift? Does it mean you can kill someone fuck sake.
Fuck this shit man, I am going out clubbing to show all the men in Brighton who I have slept with that they didn't get under my skin and that I am still going out woop woop fuck you men in Brighton men FUCKKKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!
PEACE OUT LOVERS XXXXXXXXXX
Sunday, 26 June 2011
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me, don't let me out of your sight, I'm just a girl all pretty and petite, so don't let me have any rights...
Amazing song and lyrics.
Any how unfortunatly before I start todays topic, I must have a rant.
I don't think I've ever met a couple who row the way Becca and Iain do, it drives me fucking mad!! Not to mention that every time I watch some thing it gets insulted by Iain so and everything gets questioned it does my nut!!
Then I have to listen to them having make up sex, can I vomit yet???
I would say that that my rants over but it is far from over especially seeing as Iain is sitting behind me asking me questions about really stupid things conversation...
*listening to Taylor Swift*
Iain: Do you like Taylor Swift?
Me: (thinking in my head nahhh I just put it on cuz I hate it). Yes.
Iain: why do you like her?
Me: (thinking oh my God please shutup what sort of question is that anyhow).
*me can't take anymore, saves blog, gets up and leaves the room*!!
So todays topic is about cheating, and not just any sort of cheating, cheating in a relationship and yes it is wrong but not every case can be judged in the same way because yes cheating is cheating but there are many different circumstances and what I want to talk about is not the cheater, or the cheatee, but in actual fact the "Other woman" (I guess other man too but I deal with things from womans point of veiws not mens sorry guys).
So despite how much you may be thinking "the other woman" is a total bitch and what not, stop right there OK. I ain't trying to justify the other womans behavour, but she has feelings too and I know what your thinking why would she get involved with a married man/ a man in a relationship to begin with? Well for starters men are extremly good liars so it could be that she didn't know until she'd already fallen in love with him, or the simple fact of we can't always help who we fall for!! Whoever they are...
So yes it is really shit for the wife/girlfriend but think about the other woman, she gets all these broken promises and deep down knows that they're probabally not true and yet clings on to them and the longer the affair continues the more we get attached and then end up being clingier and clingier cuz we get to the point that we're so used to this crazy double life to lose it would be unbearable. (At least thats what we convince ourselves).
Don't think there isn't a single moment of a single day goes buy that the "other woman" doesn't feel so guilty and so dreadful that ending it seems like the only way out but the actual ending it is so much harder to put into practise than it is to say it!
The other woman who longs to be truely loved and cared for as herself!
Any how I'm not trying to justify anything but I think its important not to always look at things in a black and white narrow minded sort of way!
So I broke it, so much for lucky number 36, yes I slipped, I had sex, I ain't going to say with who cuz for once, its private but I question if it was a mistake? Well give me 3 months and I'll let you know...
So now on the hunt for lucky number 37, and jesus christ it better be lucky because otherwise I'm going to end up with sleeping as many people as last year... last year was ... about 11, and this year its 4 now, so as longas I don't sleep with another 7 peoples this year I am OK. To do that I'd have to be meeting quite a few men seeing as there are only another 6 months left in the year!!!
Any how I am a bit of a naughty girl tonight, I went out... came home... went out to meet me mate for a long walk... and now waiting for another guy to come pick me up and go out in Brighton for a bit... I am not a dirty stop out.. I'm just fed up with lying in bed at night staring at the ceiling feeling alone, and not being able to sleep, may as well go out right...
I was thinking when I got into bed last night about my life and stuff and I started to feel like I don't really fit in anywhere.. I hate that feeling but I've never really felt like I belong really. Maybe that is the potential bi polar. I felt really annoyed on the train on friday some girl got on the train and she sat on my table oppisite me and she was with her mate and I don't know what it was but like I got really annoyed with her. Like I think it was an attention thing. Like when I'm out on the Town if there's some girl thats out being quite loud, she's gotta go, it doesn't matter who she is or how nice she is, if she's stealing my lime light, shes gotta go!
I mean how fucked up is that...
Any how going out so catch ya later aligators..
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Saw Gnomeo and Juliett, hilerious, Letters to Juliett, Paul, Leap year, think we're watching the hangover later and maybe Sex in the City 2 (yes I know I've got it on DVD but nothing like watching it on a 92 " screen, besides tis amazing).
Oh my Goshie been having hot choccy every night (and I'm not just talking about your average hot choccy, I'm talking about Jens hot choccy with choccy and plain cream on top and tonight were even having marsh mellows, and sprinkles, amazin)!
Tonight we're making apple pie (yes from scratch) and mash potato for dinner with veggy sausages and onion rings. Ugh its so good being here!
If the weather improves towards the end of the week may even get to go for a dip in the swimming pool ;-).
Got me fringe cut in the hairdresses today (yes for free, jesus it only takes 5 mins). Got so blonde hair dye specifically for touching up roots so soon (hopefully tomo) will no longer have roots that look grey and then nicked one of them highlighting caps out of another box from a highlighting kits from boots so can do me pink streaks too after touching up me rooms. Going to look fabby :D
Bought some orange Barry M nail varnish today (gotta be Barry M, amazing), going to paint them orange when back at mums and then put the magic black on and me finger nails will look like tiger print and you know how much I love to stand out...
Spoke to James... from the counsil today got a couple of one bedroom properties for me to look at in Newhaven... I know I wasn't going to move back there but if I can get a one bed flat there then why not. It's close to Jax and besides don't want to live in Hove and start me Princes trust course in September .. (only like 2 months and a week away now) so yeah why not. Was thinking after a year the rules of the counsil change they'll only pay all my rent for a year and then they only do that if your over 35 but figure if I put me name on the counsil list after a year they should be able to find me a flat thats well permenant till I give it up bacically so got it sorted mate!
Any hows offskies now to enjoy the luxuries of having to do absolutlky nothing ... If I chose not to!
xX mwah Xx
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Saw a pitcure of Terry and that girl I'm convinced is having his baby earlier, playing happy families already urghyk!
Oh man watched New moon last night on 92 inch screen, can't stop fantasizing about Jake or Edward since they're both just 100% amazing I think I'm officially in love *mmm fantasises*!! See why can't real men be like them? I wouldn't exactly call guys in the south men anyhow, most of them don't even grow proper facial hair yet, and even if they do they ain't what I'd call "real men". Their idea of a "real man" is sleeping with as many woman as they can, drinking until they litrally can't walk and taking so many drugs till they're sparko or arrested! Oh and beating the shit out of other guys (and sometimes girls if they're really fucked up, like the majority of my ex's).
Technolagy, alcohol, drugs and image has ruined are men. Send them to the army that'll sort em out, they go in a boy and ome out a man!
Someone who isn't only interested in a quick shag consisting for a few thrusts and hey preto its over. I actually wonder if guys even know how to turn woman on these days. A quote from a previous conversation with an ex ...
Him: lets have sex...
go into bedroom....
me: Ok well you gotta turn me on 1st I can't just have sex with you when i'm not the slightest bit horney...
Him: Well how do I do that...
I mean jesus you think...
Thats men for you though they just never seem to understand what I'm trying to get at. Thats the thing with men from the south, or maybe just men from the UK in genrel they're all a little bit simple. I don't mean they're thick cuz by all means tghere are alot of them that arn't but when it comes to really getting me none of them really do. I wish I could say I'd met a man that really got me, and I guess David gets me so not every english man but then he's different. I used to think Ben got me, but now like really thinking about it he didn't!
You know actually Colin got me too (my step dads nephew) mmm colin was so gawjuss, beyond gawjuss, he was uh a total sex God and Graham wasn't much behind him, more buff than Colin. In Twilight terms- Colin would be Edward and Graham would be Jake!!
Still amazing just in different ways. Actually I believe Colin is recently single again ;-) ;-) nudge nudge, not like he'd be interested in me in a million years and I haven't even got the hope of bumping into him anymore cuz I have no idea where he works or where he live!
There is always the hope of my step dad filling me in but I very much dobut he would Colin must be at least 10 years older than me (although age has never been an issue from my end). 32 isn't exactly old now!
Would be so nice to have the sort of pleasure that you get when your really making love with someone or at least intimate, passionatte sex, we've all had it at one point in our lives... I hope, or if not experianced it then dreamt about it. Its the kind of thing where four play goes on all night for maybe 6 hours before you even contimplate having sex. Where you explore each others bodies in such away that its like the real world disappears and any worries you had or were having are temporerally discarded. A world where your free from pain and free from fear, completly taken away from everything apart from each other.
Its amazing and when you do finally have penitration it isn't just a few thrusts and whella finito, its a long process full of emotion and passion and not only are they inside you like how we all know penatration is but they're inside you emotionally and mentally too and honestly there is no sex like that!
It was along time ago that I had sex like that and I only ever had sex with one person like that! Out of the 35 males (not men) that I've slept with I can honestly say only 2 of them were worth sleeping with. Ritchy who was a right prick but the best one night stand I ever had, and little James who was the only boyfriend I've had thats been good in bed and that is really fucking depressing!
Maybe I should only promote the fact in future that I've only slept with 2 guys, afterall the rest of them arn't really worth mentioning... good plan!
Any how need to stay away from amazon already bought meself New moon and eclipse and just ordered kidulthood too. Mann the internet is too damn addictive. I've actually been online all day. I'm recently addicted to this bloody wesite that Zoe told me about tagged, I need to go into rehab for the most addictive personality of Brighton...
God damn it!
mucho love me followers...
peace out ...