Thursday 30th September!!

Some one please tell me where September went because I can't really remember what I've achieved this month.
I can't exactly remember where I left off so I'll just start off from whats been going on in my mental world.
Well me being clearly the smartest chic in Town let Chris and his mate Ian (recently been released from jail).
So me being me, a spineless whose I let them both stay. I may just add before I reveal this that I never planned for this to happen and it really was just one of those things that just "happened".

We was all lying in bed (me in the middle) and it sort of hit me I was lying in bed with 2 boys either side of full of testosterone. It was impossible for me not to get excited. So my excitement let to horniness. (Always dangerous), I'm ashamed to say it but yes I did sleep with both of them, so even though I've always said I was never fussed a bout a 3 sum I had one. I won't lie I fucking loved it, attention and sexual pleasure from two guys at once it was to die for...

Any how so the next day I'm beginning to feel like a dirty whore and getting stressed a bout money and all that.
So I get through another day and I didn't intentionally do it, but I had a head ache and I was upset and I was just there on the floor searching for pain killers in the medicine box and before I knew it I'd taken 2 packets.
Just for a moment or 2 I just didn't want to think anymore, I didn't want to worry any more, I didn't want to be depressed any more.
I panicked, Text Rob and good old Rob come over, called an ambulance and stayed with me till 6am when they finally let me home!
I do feel like a twat, but whats done is done, and I will get through this no matter what.
That's all I'm going to say for today.
However watch out for the next update from my nutty fingers because I very much dobut there won't be no drama in the next few weeks so keep watching out
Peace out
xxxxxxxxxx

Monday 20th... falling to bits!

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
I just feel like I've been so naive and stupid.
I can't believe I even fell for Ricky's lies and promises. I just feel so stupid, in fact the last time I felt like this was all the shit with Mark, I was just so blind and stupid and instead of being smart and using my brain I used my heart and let myself become vulnerable and stupid.
Sweet talk and that's all it is, sweet talk. I feel numb I wish I could cry or scream but nothing. I just get nothing just this horrible ache in my gut which is a sign that I've been so fucking stupid.

Can I run away? I don't even want to do that I just want to see me sister and for her to tell me that it's going to be OK cuz right now it doesn't feel like it will be.
I wish I could go back and just change everything. I wish I'd never started talking to Gary that day after work and I don't care if Gary had done some bad shit never did he lay a finger on me, never did he steel off me, never did he threaten me not even as a joke.
He loved me and maybe if he hadn't have been homeless or a drinker we could have been together and ARGHHHHHHHH it's just so fucking frustrating thinking a bout it!
Part of me is just mad for him for leaving me in the mess that he did knowing that I loved him. Will he come back? And even if he does will everything be the same will he constantly keep going or will he stay for good??
I miss him and its just one of them things that he left me just like Jay and all the rest and I'm so exhausted from constantly being left!
Fuck just watching the ending of "confessions of a shopaholic" and it's such a great movie but Becca gets Luke in the end and it's all fabulous.
When will I get my Prince Charming does he exist or am I just meant to be alone forever.
I want so desperately to get the fairytale ending.
Hmmm this calls for a new project...
This one is going to be a bout real life happy endings and what really happens after Prince Charming and his Bride ride off into the sunset!
Peace out ...
xx

Sunday 19th September ARGHHHHHHHH!!

Oh my Fucking God!
I feel like I may just be going crazy!!
Seriously someone please send me to a mental home cuz right now I feel like I'm in serious need of it.
Met Martin for the 1st time today and it was great and then just later it got the more restless and agitated I got. What is wrong with me? I finally meet someone who's generally sorted and who loves and cares a bout me and I just freak out.
As stupid as this may sound I think I had stronger feelings for "Diesel" than I thought, and then I was thinking a bout Jay again and I just tried to sleep with him and I couldn' t.
Well I haven't been like that since that guy that I met in the pub when I was out with John around Christmas time. Its ridiculous with him I knew I was going to take him home even knowing that he virtually had a wife and 2 kids and I just was naked and then I just couldn't do it. I felt like how a bloke probably feels when they're with a really sexy girl and they just go soft, that's how I feel (except like without the whole cock business).
Its weird how the world works sometimes.
All I want more than anything right now is to just move house and get a fucking job and instead I just spend me days chasing boys that are clearly no good for me.
I know that deep down I'm just scared. I crave so much for love and then when I actually get it I run away.
Why are we all so desperate to be loved and so eager to just push it away when we find it?
I feel so confused. Or fucked up or even both arghhhhhhhh!!!
I even went clubbing alone yesterday after feeling ridiculously fed up with sitting in and looking at all the stupid half packed boxes. Can someone come and live my life for a bit for me so I can go into hibernation until I feel sain enough to face the world again.
I've just been doing constant research too and now I'm just so fed up.
I've slept with 7 guys this year and I feel dirty and it's strange it doesn't seem to matter how hard I scrub in the shower or bath I still feel dirty!
I just keep looking a round and seeing all these couples that seem perfect but behind closed doors not all of them are that great. Its easy to act for the public eye, after all I'm a fucking pro at it.
As much as it sometimes kills me to say this out loud or put it pen to paper however happily married or happy couples are there's always a dark secret.
Now when it comes to men they're not really that great at hiding it, its strange how when men come to committing adultery if they don't come home to find all their possessions burnt or cut to shreds and beat black and blue with pots and pans, doesn't mean us ladies don't know. We usually let it slide because revenge is sweet and if you think she doesn't know, I'll tell you now SHE DOES! The difference is woman rule the world and we like to play the game as much as you men, the only difference is when we get revenge we make sure you've got nothing left to live for. Funny though seeing as men continue to cheat. My advice if your a cheating wanker don't ever get married or have kids, it's not worth the pain you'll get until you die!
As for woman, now we ain't stupid we know exactly how to cheat and get away with it.
Either way woman rule the world so we'll always win one way or another so men should really just give up now, but hey ho we all gotta get out kicks from something!!
Just a little tip for the ladies if you've never read the book called "how to kill your husband and get away with it" I suggest you do ASAP.
Any how so I haven't really come to the conclusion of how to sort out this fucked up mess that happens to be my life. So I'll smoke another ciggie, eat some food and sleep on it until there's some sort of light at the end of this tunnel as always till next time have fun and don't do anything that I WOULD so ha ha ha

MANIC MONDAY 13TH THIS BEATS FRIDAY THE 13TH ANY DAY...

Oh fucking dear God, well actually I don't believe in God so he can go and fuck himself, and whilst your at it so can every man that exists!
I started dating this guy Diesal AKA "Ricky" and "Jess", we all know what type of guy has 3 different names SMACK HEADS! That sums him up nicely. The only mistake I made was meeting him!
Pathetic, sure I've met a lot of men that talk out their arse but he is by far the biggest bullshitter that I've ever met!!
So we're going out and he's wearing his Jasper Conran 1000 pound suit and I'm thinking how good is this. He's telling me he's got a 9 inch cock and that he's going to look after me and take me places no man has been before. Yeah laugh all you want but for some stupid lustful reason I believed him!
Well surprise surprise it never happened like that and it was all lies.
Well this is just ridiculous when he decided to ring the police on for me cuz I wanted to get me stuff back!
Well I got my stuff back and then that's it!
I wash my hands on men forever. Do I sound dramatic? Well maybe I am but fuck it how much shit can one person take from a man that promises you the world and leaves you with nothing.
All I wanted is to be loved and where did that get me? Feeling dreadful!!

Any how so besides all that shit I bought cosmopolitan for a bit of research time always my favorite time. Especially cuz I haven't done research cuz I've been pissing a bout chasing good for nothing men!
Any how haven't actually read it cover to cover but apparently I like exciting sex and I should try to get more intimate with guys ha ha that's a joke why would I want to do something like that?
So just by getting this magazine I realize what a sexist world we still live in. Asking men how many guys is acceptable for a woman to sleep with and if they've slept with over a certain amount then they're not interested I mean HELLO fuck off!
I was actually feeling disgusted by that.
Then there's the "BIG O" which stands for Orgasm which you already guessed and giving all this sex advice that I'm pretty certain the majority of woman already know. It's like please give us girlie s a break its them men it should be directed at not us ladies!!

Oh right "10 sexy ways to go green" in brief one is having a shower with your man (urm and if your single....), 2 is organic lingerie apparently feels a lot nicer (and twice the price) 3 switch off the lights when you have sex (we fucking do that anyhow), 4 instead of straghting or curling your hair just get up looking like a tramp (oh yes the look I really want to go for) 5 stop tumble drying (who actually has them these days any how not when your 21 and don't live your 'rents) 6 wait longer to turn the heating on snuggle up to your man (no its fine cuz if your fucking with someone then I guess it's fine but if your SINGLE then your fucked arn't you) 7 stop buying books become a geek and go to the libary (yeah then pay a stupid fucking fine when you forget to return them great plan) 8 stop using your dishwasher and use your hands (how a bout fuck off) 9 stop driving and reduce petrol (yeah either freeze in the cold waiting for the bus to not get a seat or walk and sweat to death) 10 oh my favourite start using solar-powered vibrator (give me a fucking break).

So in conclusion men are a bunch of wankers who are crap in bed and clearly do not give a shit a bout any one except themselves and magazines are full of expensive shit and celebs that no one will ever look like without surgery and we live in a complete sexist world!
So there we go!
Time now to fuck men (not litrally) get off my arse and get a damn good job so I can buy a hell of a lot new clothes and shoes and look the sex like the old days ;-)

New month ... surley a new start ha ha not so tru. Thursday 2nd September.

Well usually people write I'm not sure where to start and I'm usually one of these people. Well the obvious answer is to start at the beginning, however if I start at the beginning then you may well just be reading forever.
So my last blog I was on a trip to do research.
Well I didn't really do much research on men but I did have a long talk with Amy and that made me feel a lot better.
I was feeling a lone on the fact that I can't seem to hold down a relationship, a job or money for that matter. I'm guessing the job front and money front are both things relatively easily to achieve but when it comes to relationships I'm 100% mystified!
This dark cloud is sort of attached to my head and it just keeps fucking raining. I don't want to say it but me mum was cursed when it comes to men and so am I!

I always go on a bout how there's something wrong with them but I guess I can't be doing everything to perfection. Who wants to be fucking perfect anyhow. Perfect ain't real and I'm exhausted enough from consistently trying to look good in case I bump into an ex (yes does happen on a daily basis).
Bex and Iain had their one year anniversary today and the more time goes by the more I feel like I'm losing my grip! It just takes a few minutes to look around the City to see that is surrounded by stupid happy couples. On the bus, at the bus stop, in bars, clubs, trains, shopping, even the park isn't safe anymore without sickening couples.
Do these people not have any respect for the single people in the world cuz heres something if I'm on a bus (I generally don't want to be on the bus to begin with and usually I get fat smelly people coming to sit next me ewwwwwww). So for couples a word of fucking advice us single people do not want to have to sit behind you on a bus whilst your kissing each others faces off. it is painful and unnecessary.

So instead of going back to big Jame's and his cock being too big and he was a druggie and little james who just was never horny and I can't remember before he came a long it was too long away and I can't even remeber what happened yesterday so lets just say I'm blond by hair and blond by nature!
Any how this is not finished. I haven't even started mentioning chris so to find out more watch this space!!!!!!!!!!!!

.......................................


Ok it is now actually Tuesday so much for writing the next day, hey ho I'm writing now and that's what counts. So as per usual its late, 1.14am actually so technically it is actually Wednesday but lets face it accuracy is not me strongest point.

So Chris.
Where to begin. I'd seen Chris a bout for the last year or so with some older woman and seeing as they was always holding hands I just presumed it was his girlfriend which she was. I'd spoken to Chris once when he was with her and then I never really saw him to talk to at least. That was until he broke up with her and started hanging a round near where I live in Hove with loads of tramps.
To begin with I never really knew him that well I was just a bit concerned a bout him cuz he was slicing his wrists to pieces and was drinking a hell of a lot and hanging out with loads of trampie alcoholics.
I stupidly took it on the responsibility for looking out for him, kind of ended up being a sort of social worker for him and then before I knew it my feelings got involved (always a bad thing with a guy like Chris).
So one thing led to another and he and me ended up going out, we slept together a few times although he hardly ever wanted to which wasn't so great for me but i guess I just kind of put up with it.
He did drive me mad. You've probably noticed I've been writing he did drive me mad and we did sleep together etc. We ain't together anymore. There's only a certain amount of shit one person can take and I was well over the limit with Chris.
I actually don't think he ever really listened to me, he was never really that affectionate even when I cried. I tried so hard to make it work.
After attempting to break my arm (which he still claims as an accident), shouting at me, making me cry, stealing off me, letting his supposed trampie mate talk to me like shit on the bottom of his shoe and not stick up for me once how could I possibly continue a relationship with him?

He is once screwed up guy and I hate to say this cuz I hate giving up on people but he's a hopeless case. He's the type of guy that gets girls pregnant and then they get the kid taken off them.
He's the type of guy who lets you down over and over again. Breaks promises, compulsive liar and then after you stop wanting to see them or don't contact them they wonder why.
Well I may not be perfect but I know one thing I don't deserve to be treated like shit.
I am feeling pretty mad right now though. I was so nice to him and I tried so hard to be what he wanted to be and in the end I just started to slip down a slippery slope myself and for me that is always trouble!
It's strange Chris's identical twin brother seems so sorted compared to Chris and it's mad cuz they both had to same up bringing.
Any how at least I can speak to his brother and his brother's girlfriend Stacey they're really nice!
Any how I've written enough a bout that the more I think a bout it the more angry I get!
Fuck it every one knows how to get over an ex is to get another man and that's exactly what I will do! Give it a couple weeks and they'll be someone else.
There always is .
Peace out!