Wednesday, 25 January 2012

It's alright, its alright, just as long as we can vote, we live in a democracy, and thats what we promote...

Song by Shakira, I love the way songs get a message across and sometimes when we listen to a song you sing along and you know the words but when you stop singing and really listen to the lyrics and hear the message in the song it can make you begin to question things. Well I love the phyco analyse and lets face it I think everything comes down to money and sex at the end of the day.
Don't miss judge me I do think there is a lot of important things in the world. Just sex and money (especially where men are concerned) are the things I thing growing up in England come down to, I would hate to inpose in other countries, this is purley on reasearch and I do intend to do reasearch else where at some point in the future.
Well any how I have a feeling this may be a long blog.
So for the average person 9 days isn't so long, genrally people just go along doing their business, going to work 5 days a week, studying at uni (although from what I can see there's more drinking involved than studying). Just an observation! Me being me wouldn't like to genralise!!
So any how and mothers looking after their child/children, and there's the lazy unemployed who like to sit on their arse and get pissed (lets not go there just yet). Anyhow you get my drift most peoples lives just continue to run along smoothly, not too much to say over the course of 9 days at least any how!
Well ladies and gents, I am not one of those people and in the life of Princess Elle 9 days and you know I could have quite possibly fallen in and out of love with about 3 people by that amount of time. I'm quite happy to confess this time this isn't the case, however I do have a lot to report back on...
It was Diesels one year death anniversary sunday which i'd been seriously dreading because well death is morbid, heart breaking and sad. So anyhow decided to go for cocktails and light some little angel model candels in memory of him and be around the people I love, (Andrea and David) I do love more people than them but they was the ones that were out that I love... If that makes sense... Any how I began to feel a bit frantic about him because I could feel conversations me and him slipping away from my memory and I feel like I'm running and running to grab them but they're floating away faster and faster and that makes me sad. It also makes me realise that one day I'll have to let go, doesn't mean I'll ever forget him.
Any how for some reason unknown to me, I decided to have a drink (as in alcohol). 1 glass of Sangria ... I think and a glass of red wine with lemonade. I have no idea how but for some reason I felt drunk. Not just a bit drunk, alot drunk... or pissed if you like.. .
So I got home and was feeling abit shit so went over "Mr across the Roads" *very very bad move*! Ever noticed how when you've had a bit to drink things that cross your mind that you would never consider saying or doing sober, seem like a great idea when your drunk after 2 hours of vommiting, banging headache and very little sleep the reality of that so brilliant idea suddenly hits you, sober and hung over and all you can think is fuuccckkk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attempting to sleep with "Mr across the Road" was definitly one of those moments!!
Yes oh the shame of it. It sort of went abit like this... him; laughing after say a couple mins of "doing it" by that I mean having sex! Me; "Do NOT laugh at me whilst your inside me". Him; still laughing, "Can we try this another time.. when your sober" Me; "Urm... lets think about this.... NO get off me idiot" *Elle exits the scene*!
Still at least I know for sure now.
Unfortunatly I did vomit too, for what felt like hours which may have actually been half hour but still if your going to say some thing may as well exaderate abit, makes it more dramatic and I thrive on drama. Ha ha like sitting on the floor of the toilet and urgh it was minging why don't they show that in the movies aye, the reality of not being able to handle your drink = vommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt ewwwwwwww and I tell you what thats not sexy EVER! Any how so I managed to convince myself I was dying and it was horrible. Turns out its true what they say. I am a drama queen...

End of topic one. Lesson learnt; don't drink (no not even one) and certainly do not go round a guys house drunk and act of any ideas that may seem at that moment in time, if you wouldn't do it sober DON'T FUCKING DO IT FULL STOP! thats aimed at me not you...

Any how cute boys drinking at 10.26am to be exact on a monday morning and democracy and tea is going to have to wait. I've got a hole load of ironing to do!

Peace and love to ma trusty followers.................... xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 16 January 2012

Sorrow found me when I was young, sorrow waited, sorrow won, sorrow they put me on the pill, its in my honey, its in my milk.... I don't want to get o

..ver you.
Thats my song right now by the nationals.
I don't so much as feel numb, I think I don't feel very alive though, need adrenalyn and alcohol and drugs won't do it. Not even self harming, maybe going on a motor bike 150 MPH or getting a tattoo, something that makes me feel alive.
I must be really fucking nieve, got back with Chris Monday because after he said he was leaving I realised that I still wasn't 100% sure what I wanted but I knew I didn't want him to leave! Then I realised I loved him. Will I ever be on the same page as a man? I can't seem to ever get it right.
He dumped me today, through text! 24 his junior and I had the balls to do it in person WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FUCKING MEN, WHY CAN'T YOU GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND DO IT FACE TO FACE AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MEN, WOMAN HAVE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN MEN ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad, or both.
He did it this morning, telling me some bullshit about me only wanting a part time relationship, yet he's the one who moved to Yorkshire!
I'm mystified I really am. You give men space you accuse them of only wanting to have a part time boyfriend. You don't always get to the phone or reply to a text straight away and we're "cheating". Yet you text them alot and want to see them alot and they accuse you of being crazy and needy. Man can I win?
No is the answer here. I don't want to just give up. I sat on the bus this morning and although it was busy I felt miles away, I have "big big world" playing by Emelia, and Bright eyes by whatsaface, song from watershipdown. any how I felt alone, even the woman sitting next to me got up and moved. I was trying so hard to swallow the tears. On the bus to me sisters I managed to distract myself with me book and for the rest of the day.
I then went and saw my mentor and she gave me lots of stuff to do and I was sitting thinking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk this is way too much work to do I thought thats what she was meant to be helping me with, anyhow so I came home and attempted to do it, getting more and more frustrated and then I cried and I kept on crying, I allowed my heart to break, or more to the point I accepted that my heart was broken, and that it is Diesels one year death anniversary and as usual I am running around trying to keep things together and fuck I fell apart, and I'm too ashamed to go to anyone so I just sit there alone with my arms hugging myself crying and its truly horrific that feeling where I swear I can actually feel my heart break!
You know think back to the blog that wrote just after I'd seen the phyciastrist you remember when I said he asked me "are you always terrified when in a relationship that he's going to leave you" do remember I wrote that and I said yes and he read me like a book. I've figured out why I feel like that its because they do. They all fucking leave me! I finally start to let my barriers down and let them in abit and start to feel the lonliness float away and then like a stab in the back they leave me and I'm alone again, like when I was little girl, this isn't a new feeling and if I can't even get my dad to stay then how can I get any man to stay and I want someone to stay and fight even when things get tough and no man ever does and, and is it so hard for someone to love me, am I that much of a unlovable person that someone doesn't want to stay and love me. I just go over and over in my head all the things he said and man after man, they seem to say all the right things but I'm beginning to realise they're just words empty words.
I'm sorry for being so morbid but my optimism has drowned.
Good night one and all, I hope your all safe tonight!

Friday, 6 January 2012

Better not look down, if you want to keep on flying. Put the hammer down, keep it full speed ahead. Better not look back or you might wind up crying..

...You can keep it moving if you don't look down.

Oh good old songs from Thelma and Lousie, now thats an oldie, Brad Pitt was 18 in that movie and he must be late 30's now so we're talking maybe 20 years ago... hm I was 2 20 years ago...

So here we are in 2012, the year that (and I know I say this at the beginning of every new year, but this time I really mean it) I swear down I will not fuck it up this time. I sort of feel like 2010 (which was the year I was 21) I went off the rails, slept with far too many pricks and had a nervous break down. 2011 the 1st half of the year was still about learning the hard way, and the 2nd half of 2011 was filling in the cracks and healing from the heart ache and pain and so this is going to be the year I really get back on me feet.
I have to say its sort of been abit of a shakey start, I broke up with Chris on the 2nd, and it was horrific, I wanted to be the big person so I did it in person and I cried for what felt like eternity and then I thought he was going to cry and that made me cry harder. Still I know deep down it was the right thing to do. Neither of us trusted each other and being 47 he's clearly an experienced head fuck, much more than me!!!
After watching Eastenders on new years day kind of made me have some perspective on life and the bigger picture. I sort of had an apiphany in the hour and 10 minutes it was on I cried from start to finish and it got me thinking about money and life. Also after watching series 4 of Secret Diary of a call girl and in the end she's pretty much Belle all the time and she choses her job (which initially is money and lies) over love, and I know I always go on about money being the only thing that lasts in the end because loving turns to leaving everytime but maybe that just means sexual relationships. After we all know sex changes everything. Any how when Pat was on her death bed she was surrounded by her family and her loved ones, and it got me thinking. I've always been adiment I never want children, partly because everyones fucked up and then they have kids and they put all their fucked upness onto their kids and then the children grow up to be fucked up and then we just end up in a world of fucked up people, but then maybe just maybe it doesn't have to be that way.
Yes I've done alot of fucked up things in my time that I ain't proud of but if I hadn't have done them I wouldn't be me, and do you know what after all the bullshit I've heard (from men and woman) I really couldn't give a flying fuck what say some skanky ex boyfriend/shag has to say about me, or what "Mr across the road" or his desperate mate has to say because in all honestly the only peoples opinions that count are the people that truly love me, me mates that will be there through everything, not the people that call themselves your mates yet only talk to you when its convienent for them or when they need something, but people who are genuine and in all honesty who gives a fuck what the rest of them have to say!
I don't hate myself any more, so what if not everything goes to plan, thats just life, and besides sometimes not everything is as you imagined... it's even better!!!
So forget all the ballshit, I don't want to die in a mansion alone and bitter. I want to die in a room full of people that love me even if I never learn to buy. You can't put a price on love!
So lets drink not because we want to get off our faces because of the state of the world but to celabrate the new year and to true friendships and true friendships last a lifetime, to people that are no longer with us due to unforseen circumstances, to being able to accept that its OK to make mistakes because we're all just humans at the end of the day and to my 23rd year coming up and who knows where this year will take me!
Love and peace to you all ...........