Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser , so thanks for making me a fighter. Makes me learn a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarted, so thanks for making me a fighter...

Good old Christina Aguilera, great strong woman there in her own right, I find surrounding myself with good strong, positive woman a definite way to improve my life, surrounding myself with people who believe in me and don't put me down and make me feel shit about who I am, and what I stand for!
It has been a long hard rocky road over well the last 19 years, but I can finally sit here at my pink sony lap top and say that I am one of these great, strong independant woman! I can say this without worrying that people may think I'm arrogont or big headed, I'm done with always having to be modest, being British and especially being a woman we've been brought up to put ourselves down and we shouldn't talk about our acheivments because it's classed as "showing off" well I'm finally understanding that although I'm proud to be British, I'm also proud to be a woman and I'm proud of my achievments, what I've lived through, and what I've survived and I now know no-one has the right to judge me apart from God and he is the one person that won't judge me!

So today I passed my first year of beauty school the one and only thing I've been wanting to do for years, but due to funds and pressure I hadn't manage to do it till the 2011, and now I've done half of my level 2 and after having all my exams and assesments signed off today, I had this feeling of acheivment and it is such a nice feeling I can't even tell you how proud I am of myself, sticking at it even when things were tough, and I think despite all the put downs and the shit I've had to deal with and the complete lack of support from my father who has never not once in my life ever told me that he's proud of me, or that he loves me!
I figure all of this together has made me so determinded to acheive the one thing I know I can do and have always wanted to do despite everything.

10 years down the line, when I'm well who knows but hopefully happy and successful (what I would class as successful not neceseraly what other people define as success), I will not let my father take a single credit for any of it!
The only person who really can take the credit for the person I have become is my mother who has stuck by me, through my whole life, and I can assure you I wasn't an easy teenager, and letting me live with her, and times are sometimes tough but she's supported me the whole way and I hope one day when I have a daughter she feels as much love from me as I do right now from my mum!

I'm going to finish on that note for now.
I would like to thank the people who have supported me and loved me through the hard times and the good, no need to list names, you know who you are!

Finally I've just started reading "The Memoirs of Cleopatra" strong woman, definitly something worth getting my teeth sunk into!

Peace out and love to the world!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

You think I'd leave your side baby you know me better than that you think I'd leave you when your down on your knees I wouldn't do that. I'll tell you you're right when you want and if only you could see into me, oh when your cold I'll be there hold you tight to me...

.. When your on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
when your lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home.

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine.

You'd think I'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees
I wouldn't do that.

I'll tell you you're right when you want
and if only you could see into me

oh when your cold I'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when your low
I'll be there by your side.

I love this song its so I'm not sure of the word right now, maybe hits a nerve, well I'm ill and so I think its acceptable that my brain isn't functioning its usual healthyish way..

I wish I could say I have had many dramas but unfortunatly it would be a lie, there have been absolutly no man dramas, or dramas in general, well its no wonder I'm fucking ill, drama for me is like what heroin is for an addict. I just can't function without it.
Actually thats probabaly a load of bullshit, my lovely dhaling sister (becca) has been ill and now undobutedly passed it onto me, cheers love just what I wanted!
So I stupidly ignored it and went into Town today any way and then pretty much passed out from about 3.30pm till about 7.30pm. I then went down stairs (very slowly, I'm very weak) to attempt some dinner, to walk into mayhem, so sort of leak in the bathroom and now there is water dripping through the ceiling in the kitchen, oh fanfuckingfantastic, so I was waddling around in the dark because mum turned off the lights (mum already has the biggest paranoya about having a fire, things like this don't help). So the floors soaking wet, theres water dripping all over me and I'm attempting to re-heat my dinner in the dark ill, oh bloody brilliant. Any how I then got yelled at for not helping although clearly I'm in no fit state to be dealing with this meladrama in my condition. So I sit myself down on the sofa to watch eastenders and to attempt to drown out the palava, to then be shouted at half way through because apparently I'm taking over the lounge, well that was that I can't deal with being treated like shit at the best of times, but when I'm ill well its just so much worse. So I'm now hiding in my room feeling like shit alone, I did have a little cry too.

So its finally beginning to sink in that I am 100% single, for the 1st time in my life. Well maybe its not so bad, its something I have to deal with, I am learning slowly how to be single. I took my sorry little ass out for lunch yesterday, only to donatellos and it wasn't as bad as I thought, its a bit awkward saying table for one, just me, but then after a while its kind of ok. Like you don't have to watch some skanky guy eating his food, more to the point I didn't have to be really polite and worry about making a mess. You don't have to indulge in any shit conversations men like to talk about, or worry about bringing up something appripriate, there's none of that bullshit anxiety that I get for up to a week before meeting up with a guy, it was just peaceful, I didn't have to wait for anyone I took my time & left when I chose.
I think accepting that I'm single and embracing it as opposed to looking at it like a monster is definitly a good thing.
Men are bullshit anyhow, they only let you down in the end.

The main reason for today choice of song and I know I'm sort of going to contradict myself here, from the above statment (I'm British, thats what we do, contradict ourselves, are hypacrits & love to moan) but I kind of want a guy to be saying that to me, everything Sade is saying to (we can only presume a man) but who knows could be a friend, a sister, a daughter/son. I want a man who can catch me when I fall, who can be there for me, not just  a little bit, but 110% always. I don't think I'm asking too much. In return I will give all the love I have in me, look pretty forever even when I'm sick and old (baring in mind beautys in the inside). I will bake, cook, clean, work hard, bare his children and learn to appoligise when I am wrong. I have more than enough personalities to keep a man satisfied, I am a good girlfriend, its just everyone I've been good to throws it back in my face.

I was a fab girlfriend to Luke, I travelled every fortnight to see him, I always looked no less than perfect for him, I left love notes all around his house, I taught him how to make crepes I listened to all his fucking God damn problems, I even gave him sex in the mornings.
So thats that well admitedly I wasn't so nice with 'Levi, I did try though, I used to be there for him everytime he tried to kill himself, I let him stay at mine when he wanted, I offered to wash his clothes for him, you know I can't write anymore about all this stuff it brings back too many memories and even now that I'm healing, it still hurts & honestly I'm not sure you ever complely 100% get over stuff like that. Its funny the way life works sometimes.

I was down London road this afternoon and I often like to reminise over things and study people. Well London Road has got the biggest load of junkies in probabaly the whole of Brighton, and I saw these 2 boys earlier, one of them was in his 20's maybe, not very old, walking around with his top off and his tag on show and clearly into heroin and it isn't just him I see young girls and other young boys on that stuff and it makes me feel sick, and not because I think its disgusting that the only way for any of them to cope is to stick needles and undobutedly they share sometimes I would imagine into their arms or wherever they can find a vein that hasn't collapsed yet but the fact that how sad it is that someone my age lives on the streets, or in a squat or where ever, somewhere not very nice I can imagine and to drink alcohol for breakfast and stick needles in themselves by lunch.
Its actually really sad, it makes me question how it all begun because not everyone who gets into that has had a bad up bringing, yes there are people out there, that have been brought up like that but take Joe, prime example, had a great mum, not sure about his dad, but she worked and he had 2 normal brothers and he ended up injecting himself, and I just think when does it get so bad that injecting yourself with this needle sounds like a great idea, if people just learnt to say no.
Most of them are lacking any sort of love and its sad, makes me cry to think about it, no ones born bad, everyone is just human at the end of the day, I guess I can't help everyone but its a damn shame.

I suppose thinking about all that I should feel lucky, I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not addicted to smoking and I cured myself from alcoholism, so besides chocolate I'm OK. I might be ill now but at least I can lie in my bed, take vitimin suppliments, eat fruit and rest till I'm better. Remembering what you have got, instead of dwelling on what I haven't thats a lesson for me.

Peace out folks


Monday, 11 June 2012

When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we'll see, no I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me...

For once there is no particular reason for this song as a tittle, it just so happened to be playing on the radio & it is quite a nice song so I thought hey I'll use that, partly because its just gone midnight on a monday and I can't be dealing with thinking too much.

So its been a few weeks hasn't it, your probabaly thinking whats been going down in the last few weeks.
Well I haven't had sex so thats basically the majority of drama out the window already!
I did start seeing this guy James but I decided it would be better for me & him to be friends. I really need to be with someone who has got their feet on the ground. This is really tough for me because I'm attracted to guys with issues, but I usually get fed up with listening to them whine on after a couple weeks so really I should just cut the crap & not go down that road to begin with... hey I'm learning alright!!

Urgh so I made some decisions. Scary shit!
I've made the decision to stay living at home so I can carry on studying and do level 3 beauty therapy and then I will never have to do a totally shitty job that I hate ever again.. inititally thats the plan anyhow!!
Pretty big decision, along with the fact that I've decided I'm going to give blood & volunteer abroad for a week or 2 over the summer!
Pretty serious stuff!!

So on the topic of men:
Paul- he didn't buy me my wednesday hot chocolate the wednesday before last and then ignored my fb message which appoligised and wished him a good time for his trip to Egypt, wanker, I've gone off him now. Thats the problem with me, I like a guy but if nothing happens after a couple of weeks & there's not even a slight hint of anything happening I get bored and go elsewhere...

The boy AKA David, same story really its been way too long now blaintly nothing ever going to happen! Oh well his loss, wanker!

And well sorry to disapoint you but there is no other guys, well actually thats sort of a lie, there's a couple of guys that I might like but for the 1st time ever I'm not going to put it on here for reason to you that are unknown but I'm sure if you think long & hard enough you'll figure out why!

I've been seeing my mates a lot recently which is nice, not to mention that it was the Diamond jubilee last weekend which was ace I'm fucking proud to be British, we kick ass!!
So got to hang out with Princess Andrea this saturday and her plush new appartment, eating amazing food and genrally just being fabulous because we fucking rawwwwk!! mmm I love good food!!
Got to hang out with both my big sisters saturday night, their lovers, Kelly & Ant (our mutual friends) and not to mention Paul, how could I possibly forget Paul after passing out on the sofa with my face in his cock (such a classy lady). I got very drunk ha ha. I only ever really get drunk with my sisters, I hate getting pissed with boys because they always take advantage, or even worse, they don't take advantage! Plus they've got no mannors none of them hold my hair back when I'm being sick, how rude!
I don't like getting pissed infront of me pals either because I'm such a fucking liabilty. I always end up going back to some random guys house when am pissed with mates, whereas when I'm pissed with me sisters I bring a random guy back to ours, still at least they can keep an eye on me then and they know vaugley that I'm safe, not to mention my sisters are better judge of characters than me.. when I'm pissed at least. Guys always look more attractive when I'm pissed. ALWAYS!!

Any how I've had enough, its been a long day I'm tired and fed up I need my beauty sleep, especially with my exam tomorrow & my 1st makeup assessment ARGHHHHHH FUUCCCKKKK!!!!

Peace out

love love love