Monday, 3 September 2012

Made a wrong turn, once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire bad decisions, thats alright, welcome to my silly life. Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood miss no way its all good, it didn't slow me down mistaken, always second guessing underestimated, look I'm still around ...

..Pretty pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like your less, less than perfect. Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel like your nothing, you are perfect to me.

Yeah you see that I'm done with fucking haters and busy bodies who got nout better to do with their time and make complaints a bout other people! I'm done with fucking idiots who constantly put me down, to you lots I may not be fucking perfect but I'm beginning to notice people who put down others arn't so fucking perfect themselves and maybe should take a long hard look at their own life and attempt to fil the cracks in their lives instead of giving me bullshit advice that I don't need!

Ok ok rant over...

I love Pink she's a fucking legend (yes I use the word fuck alot, deal with it). I find that I can relate to a lot of what she writes about, although I'm pretty sure there are a lot of woman out there who can
also relate to what she sings, but you know just thought I'd throw that in...

So whats been going on in the life of Elle... ha now that would be telling... and to be honest for once there isn't really much to tell.. at least not on the man front anyhow. I was seeing this guy called Ed (whos in rehab with Ian) but I went off him, was a mixture of his age, life style and after a while of looking at him I decided I didn't really fancy him and maybe I was just going along with it because I wanted a bit of attention, who knows with me could be anything. So I've ended it with him... he doesn't actually know this yet because I've done it in a letter, but this time tomorrow he will, I just hopes he takes it well.
So here I am back to square one, single, untouched and horney as fuck.
Ha ha actually less of the horney now, I'm tired of thinking/reading/watching/talking/ hearing about sex, its been 18 frustrating weeks and one day HUMPH! Thank God I've got plenty keeping me busy.
Like the wedding, yes ladies and gents the wedding of the year is almost on my door step (saturday to be presice, and also the only wedding of the year). Still weddings are a time for celebration, so I guess I'll go and celabrate my cousins happiness!
It is slightly depressing that besides my mother (oh and my 14 year old cousin, I think) are the only people in the family who are single, I love how I get to go to York for days but have to share a hotel with my mother.
I swear one of the good things of being in your 20's is so that you no longer have to share a hotel room with one of your siblings or parents, typical aye no such luck. Look not everyone is in long term relationships in their 20s some of us just have better things to do with our times like read about sex Gods (AKA Christian Grey-50 shades) and eat cake, and have real orgasms with battery operated equipment, instead of having the joys of faking it again and again. Or knit or watch a good movie the list is endless.
Men are shit any how! (At least thats what I'll continue to tell myself until I have one).
Actually noticing its the 2nd september soon, I really hate being single in winter so may have to bag one, its nice to have a man in my bed when its cold outside, someone to bring me blueberry pancakes and tea on sunday mornings in bed, and of course more presents at christmas, there's always the great factor that when they piss me off to the point where I really don't want to hear anymore shit they have to say I can just sit on their face ;-) such a dirty bitch, ya see men do have their uses now and again.
Ha ha bet you struggled to read that, was terribly punctuated. Its a good job becca and Iain don't read this they'd have a fucking filed day correcting spelling and punctuation. As I said some people really need to get a life ;-). Better not jeprodise anything, me and Bexipoo have been getting on ok recently and Iain, hm I'm tolerating him! Don't want to fuck it all up specially  3 days before we go away (actually they leave on thurday but whatevs).
Anyhow I'm not writting any more I'm too hungary God knows what time we're eating feels like I've been waiting 10 hours for food (yes I love to exaderate). Right must scudadle.

Peace out
love love love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

We have the rain together, we survived the pain forever Oh, its good to be home again its good to be with my friends

I love that song, its by Pink and her daddy Jim Moore!
So its back to cold almost rainy old Brighton, you know the Brighton we know all so well, and our summer is over, wow after just 4 days or so. Guess I shouldn't really complain, afterall I've got more important things to think about and moan about that what the weathers doing, although that be said I hope it doesn't rain saturday because meant to be seeing Princess Andrea to see Greece and Dirty Dancing on the big screen down the beach.
Let me start by saying I have deleted facebook. I just can't deal with it right now, everytime I have a rant their always seems like there's someone their having ago at me, if you don't like it DE-FRIEND me or hide my news feed, its my fucking facebook I can write what I fucking well want. So fed up with always being bloody told off, I'm not a child anymore I wish people wouldn't treat me like one, so fucking patronising!
Anyhow thats that rant over with, I've de-activated so the people that get oh so easily offended will have to go find some one else to get offended by.
*and breath*
I would like to point out that I'm still single, and still not having any sex, become slightly obsessed with being skinny too. It never used to bother me so much but recently I've been really thinking about weight and food and being a little bit obssesive, I guess growing up with 2 skinny minis (aka anorexics) doesn't help. I've spent my life growing up always being told I'm fucking fat its hardly suprising I have a huge complex about it.
Having a sister thats 6 stone and a mother not far behind I mean its fucked up, on the plus side at least I have bigger tits and look more like a woman.
I've always had issues with food, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to grow up with people that don't constantly obsess over food all the time, maybe I wouldn't always feel so depressed when I look in the mirror. I have been battling with my reflection for as long as I can remember and spend my whole life admiring other girls and thinking "if only I could have her tits, her stomache, her nose, her hair, her mouth" etc. Oh come on we've all done it at one time or another. Learning to be happy being my is something I really need to learn!
Beccas decided to move to Eastbourne with the cunt, not sure if I mentioned that in my last entry, bad bad move, shes going to be soooo lonley the cunts going to commute to london every day, but shes addamant to move out with him! I guess its one of those things that even though I really don't want her too she'll have to learn the hard way, I've had to on virtually everything, its tough to watch but I guess thats just life, nothing I can do about it!
On the plus side Jacs is talking about moving back to Brighton, man I hope so, be so cool her living close again, I can see her more and it'll be like the times when I lived in Newhaven. I know I shouldn't get too excited because it might not even happen but it'll be good to have all my family back around me again, makes me feel safer. Oh you know except me dad but just kind of forgotten about him really, I really haven't got time for his games anymore. I'm 23 now, not 12 anymore and he missed out on so much I think what the fuck is the point anyhow, like I always say it'll be his loss in the end, when I get to where I want to be he won't be able to take any credit for any of it because he hasn't played any part of it, misurable old git!
Got loads of fun things planned for august so thats cool. Got work meal tomorrow at La tascas whoop whoop. Going glamping next thursday, Kat and Dan coming down at one point in August, going out with Kelly, Amanda and Jackie from college, got Callums 5th birthday party, going to a ball too in august that'll be fun, before I know it'll be the wedding, am so excited about it now, looking forward to being able to eat again and see all me family and of course getting drunk!
I am barely drinking at the moment because of the calories in alcohol. If I want to be a small size 12 for the wedding then I have to be really dedicated to not drinking or eating excessivly!
Any how todays blog is shit because there's no fucking drama.
I have discovered that by joining a dating site (yes for the billionth time) that there are alot of ugly single guys in Brighton and no if you are fat, ugly, 45, divorced with 3 kids I do not want to come and suck your wrinkly cock, for fuck sake do fat guys like this really honestly think I would actually say yet its fucking disgusting and on that note I'm going to go vom. ha ha Nah I'm not actually but if this weight doesn't shift soon may have to be bulimic again. I was so skinny when I was bulemic!

Peace out lovers

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Feeling hot, hot, hot...

Wow would you believe it, 24th July & we have sun Bingo, God we're so spoilt in Britain ;-)!!

So its been say 22 days since I wrote, 3 weeks and 1 day, for the average person they probabaly would have just gone about their every day life and not too much would have happened, however already establishing that I'm not the average person and say I get about as much excitment in 3 weeks than the avarage person might get in the entire year!

So Iain, who I have just decided to replace with the words "The Cunt" because his name gives me shivers down my back, he was being a bigger prick than usual (yes apparently it is possible). Him and Becca were arguing through the whole house, she was in tears and he was just basically not giving a shit because lets face it why would he, he's a self obssesed arrogont twat. Any how it was so bad that both me and mum walked out that night, I ended up eating out alone because I was so hungary and couldn't bare to be at the house, I think mum went for a drink alone. Lukily Princess Andrea came and met me and that really helped, having me pals support me over these extremly tough times is one of the few things thats keeping me going. Proper angels!!
So I came home later to realise that they we're both totally oblivious to the fact that they made both me and mum walk out.
Mum stayed up till 3am crying, I tried to stay awake till she went to bed but ended up just passing out with the top light on and my glasses on whoops!
So the next day I texted Jacqui and told her to ring mum, so she looked after mum for the whole day and I tried to support her as much as I felt I could into finally doing something about this situation which has gone on far too long.
Any how so as usual the weekend past and nothing was said, and as usual no-one apart from me said how I really felt. Heaven forbid that we actually say what we actually feel, does my fucking head in!

I ran away the weekend after because I simply couldn't cope anymore my mental health was through the roof, anxiety and depression, I felt suicidally depressed so decided that staying with friends would be a wise idea, good support & distraction. When I'm in a state like that I have to do whatever I can to keep well!!
It was a weekened that really hit the spot in every way possible. Had lush food at Princess Andreas friday night and then went to the pub where I found a fish bowl full of business cards so decided to grab a load and text all the males with mobiles saying "hi sexy" and left my number on the back of a few of them and put them back in the fish bowl. Was a slightly disapointing outcome, didn't get dates from any of them which is a shame. Still their loss not mine right?
Made amazing cupcakes saturday that was loadsa fun :D. We then went over to Kates and Dani come over too and we just spent the whole evening eating cake mmm love it and chatting and watching funny TV programmes, was a really good evening! We spent most of the sunday in our pjs, good times ;-).
Unfortunatly came back to world war 3 on sunday, wasn't too bad though because I just stayed up in my room... I think I tend to suffer from memory loss a lot in my old age ;-).

Any how so then Kat (me cousin) come down on the wednesday and that was good, its always good when shes down because she's so funny, I laugh so much when she comes to visit, and even at 22 weeks pregaz, its so weird to think of her as pregnant, shes having a little boy, hope he's cute, well can guarentee it up until the age of about 3 and then it depends, could go either way I suppose...

So last weekend just passed well well well friday night I was like nah not going to get pissed this weekend just having a couple glasses of wine and be done with it, however that all changed when I bumped into the boy in a pub along Lewes Road, YES THE BOY as in the one that I was desperate to have sex for, for at least a month, well I think I can well and truly say I fucked up even potentially having a one night stand with him!
I downed my large glass of rose, I'd had a small glass of rose prior to this and a pimms and lemonade. Then I decided to drink 4 vodka & lemonades. After telling everyone that I don't drink vodka, so I was drunk, I wouldn't say quite pareletic but I was drunk meaning I lost all embarresment. Oh Jesus I even sat on the boys lap at one point, he clearly wasn't interested at all. I think I did inform him that I had a crush on him, although I didn't actually listen to his response... or maybe I didn but I don't remember.
He did let me where his coat though, I think I had to guilt trip him into that, just before he left I stood there going "your leaving me" like over and over again as if we'd been together or something! God damn him he looked so fuckable on friday, more than ever!
Any how he fucking left and so he's a cunt right and I should just stop thinking about him right?  Shame I can't get him out of my head!!
Enough of that it's pissing me off!
Saturday morning felt fairly reasonable considering, although buy the afternoon I felt like someone had tipped me upsdide down and shook me, not a good feeling, or look!
I was meant to be going on a date with some guy called Marc from the internet, which didn't end up happeneing because I got to the station at half 8 to meet him and he kindly informed me his train wasn't due till 9.10pm (he lives in Worthing) and therfore wouldn't arrive in Brighton till 9.38pm so I was like there isn't much point there, I wondered around for 2 hours and then went home! I didn't give him a second chance, kind of figured if he's that unorginised this early on what the fuck would he be like 2 weeks down the line, don't want to chance it really!!

So sunday it was hot so got up early to go see me nan and bought myself a lush new dress, I felt I deserved it after being stood up previous night, fuck me new dresses and mates are so much better that boys.
Went for sunday roast with Rhea and Andrea, then chilled out in the Pavilion Gardens in the sun listening to top ass tunes, followed by yummy cupcakes from cloud nine and softails from all bar one. Good times, went for a glass of wine at the local with Becca after too (we're talking again now, cannot be bothered to be more stressed than I already am).

So last wednesday you'll never guess who I bumped into... only Ian Mccoriston, hadn't spoken to him in months, apparently he's in rehab now and he's allowed out now. (He wasn't allowed out for 1st 3 months). I couldn't believe he'd actually got sober, I'd sort of given up on him because he was always chatting shit. Still I'm quite impressed that he's done it.
I met up with him for a smoothie last night because I decided that everyone deserves a 2nd chance in life and even though he's been a nightmare in the past he'd never actually been horrible to me, apart from telling everyone we'd had sex loads which is a lie, but guess I should feel flattered really. He didn't bully me though like Chris did. Anyhow I'm glad he's gotten sober, I just hope he sticks with it. It'll be worth it one day!!

So I have a new crush too, I don't exactly know this guy, I've seen him about loads in last few months, and I saw him a couple days ago near the Steine, sunday I think, and then I saw him again in asda last night. I was thinking hmm what are you doing here, ha ha cuz clearly asda belongs to moi.   ;-). He was with a girl, an older man and an older lady and I was trying to work out wether the girl was his g/f and the older lady and gentlemen were her parents or if she was his sister and the older lady and gentlemen were his mum and dad. Well currently I don't even know his name so some serious stalking is in order me thinks...

Was having serious money issues and then my DvD player decided to pack in at the worse possible time and I thought I might physically break down, because I'm a drama queen and thats what drama queens do... actually its because I have BPD and unexpected things throw me off and I panic and can't think straight! Anyhow lukily for me Ettie and Chris kindly saved my back by giving me theirs!
My friends truly are angels. Gods definitly got my back this time.

on that note I'm going to finish because I've written loads anyhow already, this will keep ya busy for a while....
peace out
love xxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 2 July 2012


I've started reading "Memoirs of Cleopatra" recently, recommended by Lauren & to get a  better understanding I ordered to movie, the most recent one with Billy Zane, L'eonor Varela and Timothy Dalton!
It's such a brilliant story, even though its true long ago and although the movie is just actors I believe that they portray it well. It really gets me thinking (always a bad thing). I stared thinking that in 2000 years how much has really changed? Yes we live in democracy now, and when we have wars they're nuclear and it isn't how it was back then in that respect. But I think when it comes to love & relationships how different is it? Well I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't have wanted to die young & live through mayhem but Caesar is one of the most powerful men in the whole of the world, yet when he falls in love for Cleopatra and he really does fall in love with her, true love, its like so passionette, and I wonder if thats what Britain lacks is passion, it seems to me that alcohol and drugs is the only passion people have these days, I hate it. I guess places like Egypt were probabaly much more passionette places to live, take Italy for example they're passionatte about food, Egypt has the pyramids, France has the Eiffle tower and Spain is just, I don't really know but there is definitly a certain Aura that people from these countries carry & the other thing us British seem to carry is drink/drug problems, the weight of the world on our shoulders and anything possible to moan about.

Recently I've been really thinking about men (ok ok I know I'm always thinking about men) in a sort of way of what do I want. What do I really want, I'm forever breaking up with guys for what seem like slightly shallow reasons like they're hairs weird, or they ring me too much, or they want to see me all the time, or they never call me, or they're boring, or their eyebrows are too long, or some crap like that. Although I suppose what I'm really feeling is lack of passion and maybe thats why I keep breaking up with these guys, they're all just the same person in different bodies and slightly different stories. I want a man who gives me an apitite, and not for food, my passion and desire for food is fine, but I'm talking about an appitite for life!
A man that makes me want to get up early and give me this energy that I've only really ever felt from foreign woman before, usually from France or Spain! A man who makes my heart race and my whole body quiver with just one touch, and not just the first time we make love but forever more, a man who is like a book, leaves me hungary for more!
A man who is brave, and by that I don't mean someone who will remove a spider for me when I'm having an anratonphobia fit, and not a man who goes and beat the shit out of someone for whatever reason. I mean a man who isn't affraid to speak his fears, a man who knows how to cry and show his emotions, a man that looks like a fucking man, I'm fed up with having to fucking diet all the time because all the guys around me are small and skinny, I want a man who is tall with sturdy legs, strong arms, a body built like a tree trunk, big, but firm!
Instead I'm surrounded by silly little boys who have legs like chickens, are skinny like an anerexic cat, big arms from taking steroids, and they're whole body looks out of proportion, or they just have arms like twigs! I'm not sure whats worse!! There's an alternative to going out with a man whose obease, you'll probabaly find him burger king, both are seriously depressing!
Half of them don't even have proper facial hair, and then when they do it goes bloody ginger and it just reminds me of that little freak Faigan from Oliver twist!
Most of the boys who attempt to go out with me can't read they think reading car magazines or newspapers class as reading it doesn't, they totally shocked that someone with blond hair is reading an actual book I mean jesus christ!
Most of them don't last much longer than 10 minutes when having sex and then they role over and go to sleep, I'm not sure any of them, well at least any of the ones I've been with know the art of making love!
Half of them can't dress, they walk around with they're bums hanging out of their jeans, and majority of them seriously need a haircut!
The most recent guy, ha suprisingly called Chris (which is a no go in itself really) he spoke in 3rd person and that is annoying shit.
I know your probabaly thinking wow she must think shes the fucking bees knees and that I'm basically slagging off all British men, which is kind of unfair of me seeing as I haven't obviously met every British man, but I'm just trying to express myself from what I know and have seen and how I feel, please try not to be offended. I'm trying to get across my frustration!
No I do not think I'm the bees knees, but I'll tell you, I know how to dress, I know how to make my make up look good, I know how to read a book, not just a magazine, an actual book!  A noval!
I know how to cook, I have a passion for baking, I appriciate art in all its forms, I have an imagination beyond any mans wildest dreams, I have this passion like fire burning deep inside me, which is waiting to be unleashed just as soon as it senses someone worthy enough for it to be realesed.
I haven't been sleeping well recently, I'm not sure if thats to do with the whole male thing, I think its a mixtue of that, mixed with a long hang over, mixed with anxiety of being alone, being left behind, worrying about stupid day to day things. It doesn't seem to matter what time I go to bed and how early I get up I just can't seem to sleep fully without fear! Thank God I'm seeing the homepath tomorrow, and the physio wednesday!
My eyes are feeling heavy and my mind is off with my imagination!

Peace out my Prince's and Godess's cxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser , so thanks for making me a fighter. Makes me learn a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarted, so thanks for making me a fighter...

Good old Christina Aguilera, great strong woman there in her own right, I find surrounding myself with good strong, positive woman a definite way to improve my life, surrounding myself with people who believe in me and don't put me down and make me feel shit about who I am, and what I stand for!
It has been a long hard rocky road over well the last 19 years, but I can finally sit here at my pink sony lap top and say that I am one of these great, strong independant woman! I can say this without worrying that people may think I'm arrogont or big headed, I'm done with always having to be modest, being British and especially being a woman we've been brought up to put ourselves down and we shouldn't talk about our acheivments because it's classed as "showing off" well I'm finally understanding that although I'm proud to be British, I'm also proud to be a woman and I'm proud of my achievments, what I've lived through, and what I've survived and I now know no-one has the right to judge me apart from God and he is the one person that won't judge me!

So today I passed my first year of beauty school the one and only thing I've been wanting to do for years, but due to funds and pressure I hadn't manage to do it till the 2011, and now I've done half of my level 2 and after having all my exams and assesments signed off today, I had this feeling of acheivment and it is such a nice feeling I can't even tell you how proud I am of myself, sticking at it even when things were tough, and I think despite all the put downs and the shit I've had to deal with and the complete lack of support from my father who has never not once in my life ever told me that he's proud of me, or that he loves me!
I figure all of this together has made me so determinded to acheive the one thing I know I can do and have always wanted to do despite everything.

10 years down the line, when I'm well who knows but hopefully happy and successful (what I would class as successful not neceseraly what other people define as success), I will not let my father take a single credit for any of it!
The only person who really can take the credit for the person I have become is my mother who has stuck by me, through my whole life, and I can assure you I wasn't an easy teenager, and letting me live with her, and times are sometimes tough but she's supported me the whole way and I hope one day when I have a daughter she feels as much love from me as I do right now from my mum!

I'm going to finish on that note for now.
I would like to thank the people who have supported me and loved me through the hard times and the good, no need to list names, you know who you are!

Finally I've just started reading "The Memoirs of Cleopatra" strong woman, definitly something worth getting my teeth sunk into!

Peace out and love to the world!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

You think I'd leave your side baby you know me better than that you think I'd leave you when your down on your knees I wouldn't do that. I'll tell you you're right when you want and if only you could see into me, oh when your cold I'll be there hold you tight to me...

.. When your on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
when your lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home.

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine.

You'd think I'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees
I wouldn't do that.

I'll tell you you're right when you want
and if only you could see into me

oh when your cold I'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when your low
I'll be there by your side.

I love this song its so I'm not sure of the word right now, maybe hits a nerve, well I'm ill and so I think its acceptable that my brain isn't functioning its usual healthyish way..

I wish I could say I have had many dramas but unfortunatly it would be a lie, there have been absolutly no man dramas, or dramas in general, well its no wonder I'm fucking ill, drama for me is like what heroin is for an addict. I just can't function without it.
Actually thats probabaly a load of bullshit, my lovely dhaling sister (becca) has been ill and now undobutedly passed it onto me, cheers love just what I wanted!
So I stupidly ignored it and went into Town today any way and then pretty much passed out from about 3.30pm till about 7.30pm. I then went down stairs (very slowly, I'm very weak) to attempt some dinner, to walk into mayhem, so sort of leak in the bathroom and now there is water dripping through the ceiling in the kitchen, oh fanfuckingfantastic, so I was waddling around in the dark because mum turned off the lights (mum already has the biggest paranoya about having a fire, things like this don't help). So the floors soaking wet, theres water dripping all over me and I'm attempting to re-heat my dinner in the dark ill, oh bloody brilliant. Any how I then got yelled at for not helping although clearly I'm in no fit state to be dealing with this meladrama in my condition. So I sit myself down on the sofa to watch eastenders and to attempt to drown out the palava, to then be shouted at half way through because apparently I'm taking over the lounge, well that was that I can't deal with being treated like shit at the best of times, but when I'm ill well its just so much worse. So I'm now hiding in my room feeling like shit alone, I did have a little cry too.

So its finally beginning to sink in that I am 100% single, for the 1st time in my life. Well maybe its not so bad, its something I have to deal with, I am learning slowly how to be single. I took my sorry little ass out for lunch yesterday, only to donatellos and it wasn't as bad as I thought, its a bit awkward saying table for one, just me, but then after a while its kind of ok. Like you don't have to watch some skanky guy eating his food, more to the point I didn't have to be really polite and worry about making a mess. You don't have to indulge in any shit conversations men like to talk about, or worry about bringing up something appripriate, there's none of that bullshit anxiety that I get for up to a week before meeting up with a guy, it was just peaceful, I didn't have to wait for anyone I took my time & left when I chose.
I think accepting that I'm single and embracing it as opposed to looking at it like a monster is definitly a good thing.
Men are bullshit anyhow, they only let you down in the end.

The main reason for today choice of song and I know I'm sort of going to contradict myself here, from the above statment (I'm British, thats what we do, contradict ourselves, are hypacrits & love to moan) but I kind of want a guy to be saying that to me, everything Sade is saying to (we can only presume a man) but who knows could be a friend, a sister, a daughter/son. I want a man who can catch me when I fall, who can be there for me, not just  a little bit, but 110% always. I don't think I'm asking too much. In return I will give all the love I have in me, look pretty forever even when I'm sick and old (baring in mind beautys in the inside). I will bake, cook, clean, work hard, bare his children and learn to appoligise when I am wrong. I have more than enough personalities to keep a man satisfied, I am a good girlfriend, its just everyone I've been good to throws it back in my face.

I was a fab girlfriend to Luke, I travelled every fortnight to see him, I always looked no less than perfect for him, I left love notes all around his house, I taught him how to make crepes I listened to all his fucking God damn problems, I even gave him sex in the mornings.
So thats that well admitedly I wasn't so nice with 'Levi, I did try though, I used to be there for him everytime he tried to kill himself, I let him stay at mine when he wanted, I offered to wash his clothes for him, you know I can't write anymore about all this stuff it brings back too many memories and even now that I'm healing, it still hurts & honestly I'm not sure you ever complely 100% get over stuff like that. Its funny the way life works sometimes.

I was down London road this afternoon and I often like to reminise over things and study people. Well London Road has got the biggest load of junkies in probabaly the whole of Brighton, and I saw these 2 boys earlier, one of them was in his 20's maybe, not very old, walking around with his top off and his tag on show and clearly into heroin and it isn't just him I see young girls and other young boys on that stuff and it makes me feel sick, and not because I think its disgusting that the only way for any of them to cope is to stick needles and undobutedly they share sometimes I would imagine into their arms or wherever they can find a vein that hasn't collapsed yet but the fact that how sad it is that someone my age lives on the streets, or in a squat or where ever, somewhere not very nice I can imagine and to drink alcohol for breakfast and stick needles in themselves by lunch.
Its actually really sad, it makes me question how it all begun because not everyone who gets into that has had a bad up bringing, yes there are people out there, that have been brought up like that but take Joe, prime example, had a great mum, not sure about his dad, but she worked and he had 2 normal brothers and he ended up injecting himself, and I just think when does it get so bad that injecting yourself with this needle sounds like a great idea, if people just learnt to say no.
Most of them are lacking any sort of love and its sad, makes me cry to think about it, no ones born bad, everyone is just human at the end of the day, I guess I can't help everyone but its a damn shame.

I suppose thinking about all that I should feel lucky, I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not addicted to smoking and I cured myself from alcoholism, so besides chocolate I'm OK. I might be ill now but at least I can lie in my bed, take vitimin suppliments, eat fruit and rest till I'm better. Remembering what you have got, instead of dwelling on what I haven't thats a lesson for me.

Peace out folks


Monday, 11 June 2012

When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we'll see, no I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me...

For once there is no particular reason for this song as a tittle, it just so happened to be playing on the radio & it is quite a nice song so I thought hey I'll use that, partly because its just gone midnight on a monday and I can't be dealing with thinking too much.

So its been a few weeks hasn't it, your probabaly thinking whats been going down in the last few weeks.
Well I haven't had sex so thats basically the majority of drama out the window already!
I did start seeing this guy James but I decided it would be better for me & him to be friends. I really need to be with someone who has got their feet on the ground. This is really tough for me because I'm attracted to guys with issues, but I usually get fed up with listening to them whine on after a couple weeks so really I should just cut the crap & not go down that road to begin with... hey I'm learning alright!!

Urgh so I made some decisions. Scary shit!
I've made the decision to stay living at home so I can carry on studying and do level 3 beauty therapy and then I will never have to do a totally shitty job that I hate ever again.. inititally thats the plan anyhow!!
Pretty big decision, along with the fact that I've decided I'm going to give blood & volunteer abroad for a week or 2 over the summer!
Pretty serious stuff!!

So on the topic of men:
Paul- he didn't buy me my wednesday hot chocolate the wednesday before last and then ignored my fb message which appoligised and wished him a good time for his trip to Egypt, wanker, I've gone off him now. Thats the problem with me, I like a guy but if nothing happens after a couple of weeks & there's not even a slight hint of anything happening I get bored and go elsewhere...

The boy AKA David, same story really its been way too long now blaintly nothing ever going to happen! Oh well his loss, wanker!

And well sorry to disapoint you but there is no other guys, well actually thats sort of a lie, there's a couple of guys that I might like but for the 1st time ever I'm not going to put it on here for reason to you that are unknown but I'm sure if you think long & hard enough you'll figure out why!

I've been seeing my mates a lot recently which is nice, not to mention that it was the Diamond jubilee last weekend which was ace I'm fucking proud to be British, we kick ass!!
So got to hang out with Princess Andrea this saturday and her plush new appartment, eating amazing food and genrally just being fabulous because we fucking rawwwwk!! mmm I love good food!!
Got to hang out with both my big sisters saturday night, their lovers, Kelly & Ant (our mutual friends) and not to mention Paul, how could I possibly forget Paul after passing out on the sofa with my face in his cock (such a classy lady). I got very drunk ha ha. I only ever really get drunk with my sisters, I hate getting pissed with boys because they always take advantage, or even worse, they don't take advantage! Plus they've got no mannors none of them hold my hair back when I'm being sick, how rude!
I don't like getting pissed infront of me pals either because I'm such a fucking liabilty. I always end up going back to some random guys house when am pissed with mates, whereas when I'm pissed with me sisters I bring a random guy back to ours, still at least they can keep an eye on me then and they know vaugley that I'm safe, not to mention my sisters are better judge of characters than me.. when I'm pissed at least. Guys always look more attractive when I'm pissed. ALWAYS!!

Any how I've had enough, its been a long day I'm tired and fed up I need my beauty sleep, especially with my exam tomorrow & my 1st makeup assessment ARGHHHHHH FUUCCCKKKK!!!!

Peace out

love love love

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Yeah bad boys are always catching my eye, I said bad boys are always spinning my mind, even though I know they're no good for me, its the risk I take for the chemistry, with the bad boys always catching my eye.

Argh I wish it wasn't true!

You may be thinking *What the fuck is she talking about now* Well I'm 1) refering to the title that I am always attracted to bad boys even though I know they're bad for me and 2) I cannot live without a man, and no dis respect to any of my amazing friends and family, and college, and volunteering etc etc but life just isn't as fun without a project (also known as a man) to work on...

So lets summerise on the week...

Monday, back to A & E with my gawjuss sister who is still in pain (which totally sucks for her) although on the plus side she's lost loads of weight (maybe I need to have another tooth out, I'll be skinny again too that way..) any how went back to hers and then onto knitting class (I'm happy to announce that next  monday.. tomorrow I might finally finish my bag that I've been making so thats quite exciting..) had a session and then I have no idea another row with mother perhaps, followed by a bath that I didn't get to have last sunday due to.. well it doean't matter now, that was a week ago now..

Tuesday was well usual typical shitty tuesday, it has absolutly nothing going for it. I know I go to work and have college, but college just isn't the same at the moment not getting to work with Kelly which used to be the only thing I would really look forward to on tuesday because I used to love that we could give each other facials and doing each others eye treatments and was really looking forward to doing each others makeup but we're not allowed to work together at the moment so that sucks. Still only 2 more lessons till we're doing exams again so at least I get to work on people I know (as in mates and family).

Wedneday, well what can I say wednesday is the best day of the week right now because Paul works in the shop on wednesday and this week I think it moved up a notch, in the respect I got to touch him.. well sort of.. I found an un used bandage when I was rumaging through some donations. I persuaded him to let me bandage his arm, which means I got to touch his arm (yes it is sad but that was almost enough to make me horney). Any chance I get to be near him I'm on it. I swear when he was looking up pictures of Scarlett Johannson on his i phone or whatever it is I was so close to him looking at his phone to see if he'd found the right gal and I could feel my breath getting deeper and slower. Oh how I long for him to just kiss me, I bet he's an amazing kisser, its too much to even think about what he'd be like as a lover (as in sex).
Ok enough I can't think about this anymore, its been 3 weeks today seen I was last kissed, touched and laid so I just can't think, not to mention Pauls girlfriend is stunning and so there is no way he would risk doing anything with me! Not to mention they're going to Egypt next week or something fucking wanker, no ones taking me to fucking Egypt. I don't actually want to go to Egypt (especially this time of year) but it would be nice to have the option!!

Anyhow ended up going round this guys house wednesday evening, I've sort of known him for a few years, and so I bought a bottle of wine (of which I only had about 1 and half glasses of) and cake and then I fell asleep. NO I didn't sleep with him, I decided with him having 2 kids and living in Hove and not being able to committ to whatever the fuck it is I need (which I'm still deciding myself what that is). Any how I didn't stay I got a cab home about 2am, I just need my own bed, and being woken up by children at the crack of dawn is hardly my idea of fun!!

Thursday was dramaless too, I went to Jakes so at least it was good to catch up, but by thursday I was almost physically ill with the lack of excitment in my life.
Friday had amazing cake with Andrea at cloud 9 cannot be beaten, followed by really lush pub food in a pub near seven dials, good food and good company, how better to spend a friday night, ohhh and you'll all be pleased to know I now have my umbrella back (and noticed how it hasn't rained since friday typical).

Anyhow saturday was a good day (oh yes that was yesterday). My boots arrived in the post *Elle does a little happy dance and a little tune to go along with it * and then my DVD One day came *Elle does another little dance* and then off into Town to pick up my new dress (which potentially I could meet my future husband in, so could be a good investment in the long run). Met up with Rob, had lovely sandwiches from cream tea, and oh my fucking days, you see this is my fucking point, like you really give a shit about me having fucking nice sandwiches from cream tea, its bollocks, I'm scraping the bottle of the barrel here, there is no drama! I'm almost physically ill by the lack of drama!


I did however get things does saturday, including making some difficult decisions including staying at home so I can do level 3, it isn't ideal but when I move out next time I want it to be for the last time and I'd rather be in a job that I enjoy as opposed to social suicide (a shitty 9-5 job where you have to deal with dickhead managers all day who don't even screw you any more... not in the way that I would like anyhow).
I've also decided to volunteer abroad for 2-4 weeks during the summer, I don't think I can handle being in England for the whole of the summer, it'll be good for me to go away, rough it, help people and get some perspective on life...

So today was rather uneventful too, Rob come over, put anti-virus doo dah on my computer, I went to me nans, came home attempted to do homework, got pissed off, had dinner which made me feel sick, had a bath with my amazing bath bomb from lush that was pink (obviously) and it had blue glittery bits in it. I had Adele playing (the album 21) whilst in the bath and I was singing along really loudly pretending to be in a music video, which I happen to do on a regular basis which is actually rather tragic but like I said when times are tough (I.e there are no men around) I find myself having to entertain myself other ways (including dusting my vibrator and shoving it up my pussy whilst thinking about paul, yes I'm a dirty slut deal with it. I'm a fucking femminist)!
If men can't handle I've shagged 40 guys thats their problem NOT MINE!! 

So I'm now sitting on my bed wrapped in my blanket (alone) watching One day whilst drooling over the main character in the movie (jim something or other). Thats when you know your in trouble when the biggest turn on is a fucking actor on a movie, I need some serious action, before I dry up forever!
OK OK I know I'm being slightly dramatic 3 weeks is not actually that long, but as I've mentioned through out I'm lacking drama/excitment at the moment so making things that arn't dramatic, dramatic helps... a bit ...
Thats it I'm boring myself now so God knows what I'm doing to all of you lots. My apolagies, hopefully I will be able to update with something a little less crap than this soon...

Peace out

love love love xxxxxxxx

Sunday, 13 May 2012

I can show you the world, shining, shimmering, splendid, tell me princess when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes..

OK OK enough I'm going to be sick... That might be due to the exsessive alcohol consumption I cosumed last night, or the fact that I'm starving and the song too! Seriously guys are so full of shit, its just lucky that I'm not nieve enough to beleive it these days which is a good thing really because I've been hurt way too many times by deceitful lies and spoon fed bullshit, what guys justify it as being charming and horney!

Any how so the life and loves of Elle, always an interesting combination (although I guess I would say that because its my life & I'm always totally wrapped up in myself)! Oh come on, all of us are a little, at least I don't pretend I'm not!
So I worked with hot Paul (from work) on wednesday and I think I'm in love with him, don't get me wrong he's a dick (which is why I'm in love with him, I seem to remember from my last blog vaugly that I'd come to the conclusion that I only ever fall for dicks & I'll probabaly end up married to one). So he has 4 kids, which is pretty impressive seeing as he's only 40-somthing, and looks like 30 something, but then again he wasn't the one that in total had to carry them around for a total of 3 years in his belly, or push them out, and as we know after having one your vagina will never look the same again, so after 4 well wow, thats impressive. So she bares his four children (who are now 15, 18, 19 and 21) and he has affairS (yes emphisis on the "S" because it was plural) and now he's back with the woman who he dated when he was 15. (and men say woman can't make up their minds)!!! Any how so he gets up and leaves (Glouster where his ex wife and children live) and moves to Brighton to be with the woman he was with when he was 15, wow men are definitly 110% selifish.
Never the less however shallow this may sound (and it will) he's cute, has good biceps, hardly any grey hair, he laughs at me (not sure if thats actually a good thing, but its better than making guys cry... I think). He offered me a hot chocolate (from costa) and I politley accepted his offer and asked for a small hot chocolate with no cream (trying to watch the weight... sort of.. the potential is there). and then I cheekily ask if he can get me a dairy milk chocolate bar (which I'm 100% addicted to at the moment) and he came back with a medium hot chocolate and a big dairy milk bar (which sort of defeats not having cream on my hot chocolate, but any how fuck it, I made it last 3 days, and I shared it.. a little bit..) So he's in my good books. I'm pretty sure every wednesday he'll be going home with a headache, however if we shag, I'll be quiet.. (unless he makes me come, which is very unlikley because its rare for a guy to be good in bed, and I can't be bothered to fake it anymore, mens egos are too big as it is, at least his is..)
Any hows enough of him...

So David wasn't in on thursday, which totally fucked up my thursday because (and this is going to sound really sad) its sort of the highlight of my week, even if I do then moan about him for the rest of the week. Thats only cuz I'm secretly desperate to shag him (even though he does have a permenant stye, so may have to wear some kind of protective eye wear, can't risk catching it). It pisses me off because it isn't going any where any time soon and I'm running out of patience, may have to move this along a bit quicker... need a plan..

Saw lady boys of Bankok on friday with Princess Andrea, after having deliciosus pizza follwed by amazing chocolate fudge cake mmm love P.E (which for you weirdos that haven't learnt abrivations for places yet it is pizza express... oh and K.G is Kurt Gieger... I think thats how you spell it). So Lady Boys of Bankok, I'm sorry guys I'm turned, they're beautiful, I think I'm going to have to sleep with one of them... I'm still not sure if that means I'm just sleeping with a man anyhow cuz they we're origionally men.. ohh it confusess me so much... after a fabulous show, with me pulling my dress up (at the chest, and down at the back) because I smartly decided to go out without a bra, and my tits we're almost falling out, still no men complaining (just the woman who are trying to compeat, just for the records ladies, there is no competition, and men just can't help being drawn to them, it isn't like I'm going to let them have a squeeze so get over it, there's only one type of man out there, and he's drawn towards big tits)!!! There is probably some Fredudian bullshit written somewhere about men being drawn towards tits because something to do with their mothers, that guy was one sick puppy! All this followed by a pina colada at Browns... "DO YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS, GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN, IF YOUR NOT INTO JUNK FOOD, IF YOU HAVE HALF A BRAIN..".. Sorry couldn't resist, what a fabulous way to end a night, we're such classy bitches us Princess's!!! ;-)

Then it comes to Saturday, me and Tara after a long 4 hours or hair and makeup and a bottle of wine, I almost look like barbie, mixed with drag queen and so close to perfect it hurts lol, (no it physically hurts, I don't think I can see any more from the amount of eye makeup.. and I can already feel my pores clogging, still I am a woman and later on all this wasted time did go to quite good use). We arrive in Town just before midnight, into the club & I'm already flirting with every guy in site (which as I pointed out isn't too great due to far too much makeup) and alcohol cunsumption always makes ugly people look more attractive. Any hows so I start by buying myself my 1st drink, don't want guys to think I'm a tramp (as in I'm really poor I can't even afford a drink). After this large glass of rose (baring in mind we've already consumed a bottle before leaving the house... actually we drunk most of it on the bus.. but shhhh I'm trying to sound classy here... classyish...) and then we dance and I begin to get warmed up, any how started to chat up this ridiculously tall guy Paul (he must have been 7 foot, I'm actually not joking) he turned out to be a right dick actually, and the stupid fucker didn't even buy me a drink!! Still can always rely on oldies who count themselves privilliged that they even get to look at me, let alone by me and tara a drink, so I do my usual thing of oh my God your so nice, I'm going to go have a dance, come and find me in a bit ;-) and swan off to find some other mug to buy us a drink... (and dance of course.. I'm pretty pissed this time and think I need to show everyone my fabulous dance moves). which turn out to cripple me the next morning... afternoon, we didn't get home till 4.30am! Any how I have this terrible habbit of smoking when drunk (accept don't be ridiculous I wouldn't dream of buying them) so I do what I've recently realised works, by telling boys who smoke that its my 21st birthday today and they gulibally believe me and I get free fags all night. (This one might not work long term as if you go to the same place alot in short spaces of time, the same people tend to go to these places and men are stupid, but not even men are THAT stupid.. you get my drift).
Any how so after shamelessley flirting with the bouncer all night he gives us a lift home after buying us food (I shamlessly ate meat, which happens reguarly when I'm drunk). I was so greatful to get into my bed and sleep for the whole night (appart from I woke up once thinking I might throw up, but I wasn't thankfully and I went back to sleep)...
Oh let me briefly finish up about Paul (the guy I met in the club, not the guy from work) he was an idiot, he told me he just came out of an 8 year relationship and just wanted to shag me, and I told him I was on hunt for a husband and I was too good for him (which is beyond true) and then I sort of fell on him kind of and then stumbled off back to the dance floor to show everyone clearly how sexy I am when I'm drunk lol *CRINGE*!!

So now we are sunday afternoon/evening and I'm starving, in need of a bath, followed by chocolate and bed combined with Ally McBeal (which for now is my porn until I get SATC back)

Peace out lovers!


Sunday, 6 May 2012

I could've been a princess, you'd be a king, could've had a castle and worn a ring, but no you let me go and stole my star!

This ones for Andrea ;-) love ya babe xx

So its been almost a week since I last wrote and in the Elle world thats like a lifetime!!
Still no contact with "Dick Dan" thats what I'm calling Dan S now, because quite clearly he is a dick and he's called Dan so you know the name fits!
I can't pretend I don't miss him, I do, I even miss the pitiful sex which has left me with thrush.. or that might be the antibiotics, I'm not taking my chances though, come tuesday I'm going to the doctors and I'm going to not only going to demand a thrush tablet, I'm also going to get non-latex condoms, I did ask the woman at the fucking sex clinic for non-latex ones but she gave me some other ones but  I didn't check until after I'd left, I guess I could have not used condoms but seeing as "dick Dan" is the 40th guy I've slept with and I've been lucky enough not to have caught anything yet I decided best not take the risk, afterall I have no idea where his cock has been before, ha ha its a good job not many guys ask where girls pussys have been before (they don't want to see where mines been) ;-) thats a joke, I'm just being a dirty bitch!!

Anyhow I did decide to give it another go with the boy, however after he stayed over thursday night and we didn't even kiss, well what can I say, it is over! There's slow and then there's just ridiculous!

I've had a pretty reasonable week actually, by tuesday I could almost walk again without agony so I went shopping to cheer myself up, and then college in the evening, that was ok at least I got to see kelly and have my makeup done...
Wednesday I hung out with Becca (this is the longest we've gone without arguing) I think we've finally turned the page, its a miracle!! Wednesday night hung out with Chris and Tasha for veggy wednesday!
Thursday I went to work and David was there, hm there wasn't so much sexual tention as usual, not sure if I want to sleep with him any more, still better not be too hasty...
The boy stayed over thursday and then spent over an hour on friday staring at me as I did my makeup (which makes me extremly nervous).
Worked friday and then whoop whoop bought a massage bed and met this really nice guy called Jason, and no don't get any ideas I'm detoxing from men, at least for the next 5 days!!
Anyhow so excited about doing facials again and eye treatments and makeup, sweet as baby, definitly going to do level 3 beauty therapy fuck being stuck in a dead end job forever, I want to do something that will life people, and I get the listen to peoples problems at the same time, I'm a pro when it comes to relationship advice (sort of ironic really, seeing as I can't hold down a relationship longer than a week these days).
Anyhow so went to Jakes friday night and watched the movie 'One day' and oh my Dayzzzzzzzz I'm officially in love with the guy in it... Jim something or other...
Still he was a dick, I've decided its quite clear that I'm not intereseted in nice guys, so I'm probabaly going to end up with a dick, and then he'll probabaly run off with his secretary after I've got stretch marks and bared his children, and I'll be left alone with 3 kids and no money (ohhh I'm so optimistic lol). If this does happen, I'm definitly turning lesbian!
Oh God I just love Ally McBeal it really does sort ones life out...

So friday came and went and then we got to saturday and had an amazing night out with Andrea & Dani and co doing Kareoke or however the fuck you spell it and then on for food mmmmmm yummy, and then onto 7*s for drinkies and then home to bed.. alone, all alone..
Managed to bump into Terry after getting off the bus at 5pm yesterday, yes I mean Terry, Terry, wanker of the century Terry, he looked at me and gave me this stupid cheeky smile and I just glared at him like I was looking straight through him and then I just strutted off, at least I looked good, imaculate makeup and hair extentions in and heels and a cute dress and coat.
Ha then I saw Greggo weggo (one of the guys I shagged when I was on my 21 year old bender) and then I bumped into Ben in 7*s accept after how he was last time I saw him I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of acting like I even knew him, I just flicked my hair and continued being fabulous!
Oh and so then the stupid bus came early and so I missed it and the next one wasn't due for another 25 mins so I decided to walk to London Road, where from across the road (and although my eyesites terrible and it wasn't that close) was Barney, as in my first love Barney, I could spot that face a mile off, I hate him, but the sad thing is I still have feelings for him, yes I know it was 7 years ago but clearly I just need therapy or something.
Who knows maybe you never really get over your 1st love.
Anyhow that brings me today, and for a sunday I'm reasonably calm. I'm actually totally chilled out tonight not sure why!

On that note, I'm going to paint my nails red baby ;-) and then sleepy time for me going to see me sister tomorrow, need to be a little bit awake!!

love & peace

Monday, 30 April 2012

If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss..

Which lets face it is the biggest load of bollocks really, although maybe thats because no guys have never truly been in love with me, I don't think I've ever felt what I think your supposed to feel when a guy loves you and is commited to you. Or maybe men arn't really commited to anyone... Maybe I'm a biggimist. (not sure if thats the right word in this content but whatever).
Any how I just don't think guys love like they once did, if it was my life or there's on the line I very much dobut a guy would chose himself to die, they're too damn selfish. Any how this isn't going to be a blog where I slag off men the whole time, although admitidly that does always make me feel so much better, and its pretty standard for my feminist view, but no I am a hypacrit, and no dobut I do contradict myself ALOT but hey what they fuck are you going to do ;-).
So I temporarily went off the rails just abit, its so unlike me these days to get mixed up with sex & love and stupid boys. Anyhow do not fear because I'm back now, from wherever I was. I won't lie I did sleep with Dan last night again, but its funny isn't it, the more you see someone the more you realise what an idiot they are (well not always but mostly). It was like the more I saw him the worse he looked and the worse he smelt! The more horrible I was to him to nicer he was to me, and that irritates the fuck out of me, guys who let girls walk all over them. Guys need to grow a back bone. Also and exscuse my crudness, the sex was actually pretty good but he started doing a Levi on  me, going to sleep after coming once!
I was ready to go again and he just couldn't get it back up and what can I say for a 24 year old thats pitiful, what is it with guys they just don't seem to have the energy to keep up.. See when I get started I want to keep going all night but hey thats just me! Still on the plus side at least he didn't object to using a condom. Which reminds me may have to pop into the doctor/clinic soon to pick up a goody bag, got through virtually all of mine over the last 2 seperate nights me and Dan had sex. That ship has definitly sailed now. I'm ready to take back some control on my life.
Unfortunatly my toe is still in pain, but after a whole day of antibiotics and half a day yesterday of antibiotics by tomorrow I'm hoping walking will be more bearable.

So enough of Dan he's boring and history! Oh God whilst on the subject of Dan the other Dan emailed me today and I swear he's been checking my facebook status's and reading my blog which is kind of a little bit freaky, clearly has no respect for my private life what so ever, this is my online diary, I can write what I want, I don't make people read it, in actual fact I'm pretty sure I've said plenty of times in the past that if you get offended easily then not to read my blog, so as I always read at your own risk...

Am back watching Ally McBeal again, this programme really is one of those rare occasions when its acceptable to use the word "awsome". Its just so fucking fabulous. Totally puts life into perspective!
I realise that it isn't just english men that are crap, its american men too and I'm not alone with the wankers, Ally gets wankers too and I get fed the same bullshit as she does and its great, oh God I could watch thi programme over and over 1000's of times and it would still make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets!! (which isn't far off really seeing as I'm on so many tablets).
Here are just a few quotes that I picked up on during my watchings so far...
"Men will throw away their whole life for sex, its like a drug". Come on I know not all guys but genrally speaking how many ladies out there have found a man that says no to having sex (and gay guys don't count). I'm not proud but I'm speaking from experience!!

"Men are like gum after you chew they lose their flavour" This is beyond fact in my life at least...

"put out or lose out" from a man thats clear and please don't follow this, not putting out means they lose out, the only thing you lose is having to suck a twats penis!

"this is the problem with playing games, someones got to lose at it" ladies don't let it be you, you can play him at his own game!

Anyhow I need to do some serious Ally McBeal watching so love ya and leave ya followers!!


Sunday, 29 April 2012

'cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew,all the things you'd say, they were never true, never true and the games you'd play you'd always win, always win....

Just got to love Adele!
I wish I could say it had been a good day and a good week, but it hasn't. Don't get me wrong certain aspects of it have like hanging out with me sister Becca monday, going to college tuesday & seeing Kelly, seeing Samantha on wednesday and having me hair done :D realising that the life I live is the life I've choosen and its ok I'm not married and don't have babies yet.
Was good to see "the boy" on thursday even though I feel completly vunrable around him, then went to young adult support group that evening and then that was the evening that I did something really fucking stupid! I slept with Dan, I never know why I think I can handle sex like a man, I can't.
I feel so shit cuz suprise suprise he don't want to know and he shagged someone else last night, which just makes me feel like a peice of shit really.
So your probabaly thinking why do I do these things.. well there is a number of reasons there's the fact of things seem like a good idea at the time but then later you realise actually it wasn't so smart after all, there's the fact that I hadn't slept with anyone for 3 months and I'd forgotten what sex with a human felt like, there's that whole thing of wanting to be wanted and just being held and getting to cuddle up with someone afterwards. Its crazy how much sex can fuck a person up! Still at least I made him use a condom! God I sound so fucking cheap. Not sure what the fuck is going on with me, could be all the fucking tablets I'm taking at the moment I swear I rattle when I walk!!
I'm on amitripyline for my neck, back and shoulders. Taking vitimin D x 2 a day cuz of the lack of sun, iron tablets cuz I've convinced myself I'm anemic or however the fuck you spell it, vitimin B12/Bcomplex, vitimin C and eccinacea (again have no idea how to spell this). Thats a fair few tablets, but then (as if I wasn't feeling shit enough) my toe started hurting and throughout the day it got worse & worse to the point where I couldn't do anything & it was seriously throbbing, so I went to A & E and I've got a fucking foot infection so now am on antibiotics 4 times a day and strong pain killers and am stuck in bed with an ice pack on my toe & its shit! I know its a sunday and I always feel shitty on a sunday but God when will BPD leave me alone, I'm trying to fight back but it isn't easy!
I got to see Andrea friday that was good :D then well I'm not even going to mention saturday and today was going well at the wedding fair with Tasha & Chris, although I did eat way too much cake and I almost cried during the show (the cat walk of models in the wedding dresses/bridesmaids dresses) because I realised that I'm probabaly never going to get married an have kids and that makes me feel sad.
Any how well that all went wrong cuz of my God damn fucking toe! Not cool!
I know this is no way to live but I keep asking what if... Must not reminis over the past argh its so frustrating!
Re-joined that stupid dating website to realise that everyone on there is just a total weirdo and only after one thing. argh I really can't cope with men, as soon as I can walk again I'm outta here, a holiday is just what I need right now. Only a couple months left to go thank fuck.
I'm too tired and ratty to right any more right now.

Night night all
Peace out xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 23 April 2012

I was worried about you but you never cared about me none, you took my money and I know that you, you could kill someone...

Here we are then welcome back to what is not that far off May... although the weather says otherwise.
Wow in the real world its been say 16 days but in Elle world thats a life time.. I've broken up with 3 guys since I last wrote. Well things with the boy I decided that maybe it wasn't the wisest idea to be with someone that works so far away. I don't think I can handle having to wait weeks on end to see someone, it was a matter of either has a girlfriend or he quits his job, well I wasn't about to give him an unlimatum, needless to say he would have choosen his job and that would involve me being rejected and a bruised ego, we can't be having that now can we...
I didn't exactly end it with him but it sort of tried to fizzle it out... although he's started texting me in last few days so maybe I might just have to be blunt soon...
Next there was desperate Dan, aw he was kind of sweet but then he just kind of got on my tits abit and like wanted to see me all the time and kept trying to buy me stuff and planning stuff and I was just thinking jesus if he's planning stuff after 4 dates how long before he starts planning our babies, too much can't handle it. So he had to go... sorry but please needy boys are such a turn off...
Then comes Dan 2! Well I met him at the bus stop after a drunked night out with Louella, still not 100% sure what I was doing along by Lewes Rd at 12.3o at night but hey ho thats alcohol for you...
Any how so I got talking to him and then again not sure how but ended up at his mums *cringe* was like being 15 all over again sneaking around... Got a cab home at 7.30am after no sleep totally uncool, no wonder the cabdriver thought I was only 17 sort of a 17 year old thing to do. Any how kind of ended up back at his mums again the next night too... (although left at 5am this time). He stayed at mine saturday (only cuz mum was at my sisters for the night). Well we didn't exactly have sex, four play I guess, either way I had an orgasm, he didn't come though lol, although I think he may have a sweat problem. Seriously he was so horney he was litrally soaking wet, it was like he'd just got out the shower, it was so bad I actually had to change the sheets! (which is wasn't best pleased about seeing as I'd only just changed them earlier that evening and ironed them) fucking men such a liability!! Any how he had 2 kids BAGGAGE! eww and he smoked. Still at least I got me orgasm, ha after all my failed relationships I always make sure I get an orgasm, on the other hand couldn't give a flying fuck if they come or not...
Any how then I started to really like this guy and that is not cool, I don't think he was really that into me, although he did have an obsession with my teeth (slightly disconcerning, thought he might try to steal them whilst I was sleeping).
Yeah so he was a bit thick too, not like Ian Mcorriston thick, but just not that bright. For example I'm pretty sure one of the 1st thing he said to me was "wow I've never met a blonde girl whos smart" he needs to get out more ... any how he's from Moulscoomb, and don't want to be a snob but thats just not cool...
Also you know when you sort of that gut instinct about someone like somethings not quite right about them?? Well any how I had that so was definitly a good thing to get out of that one. He's well and tryly gone and besides he was cute, but I'm cuter and we're definitly not on the same page, oh well his loss fucker, at least I ended it, I love taking back the power ;-)
I guess on the plus point I'm less worried cuz I was beginning to think my sex drive had gone forever, seeing as 3 months since I got laid and was thinking that this isn't just a dry patch, this is a drought! So guess it just takes a cute guy to get me going. ;-)

I'm so much better off without a man, although I've re joined a dating site, I can't help it, I hate men but I need them, which is kind of fucked up, but then I am fucked up so whatever...

Not long till thursday now either, I get to see "the boy" on thursday, he's a total knob but he's hot, in a fucked up kind of irritating way, and I really really want to shag him, recon he'd be a well good fuck! Oh come on its blaitenly going to happen, I have good self control but sometimes you just got to give into these things, so Princess Elle is totally off the wagon... at least with sex and men anyhow...
Oh christ speaking about sex, I saw Wayne the pain sunday morning as in the guy I shagged when I was 21 met him at AA he was the beginning of my shag fest when I was 21 ha ha good times..
Oh Christ and speaking of 21 'Levi's now living at fiveways with his old girlfriend, I've seen him 3 times already in the last 10 days, twice on the bus and once in town, probabaly why I'm slowly falling off the wagon, I can't deal with it and I need to get out of my head for a bit and stop thinking...

Ok right can I just say my sister has the worst taste in T.v, shes always watched crap, but recently shes started watching "Made in Chealsea" for those of you who haven't had the agony of watching it, its basically a reality show of rich gals and guys who live in chealsea and its just awful, it truly is, I actually want to knock them into the middle of next monday... Seriously I'd be more interesting than them twats, sort it out dhalings your PATHETIC! Any how got to shoot, my beds calling ...

mucho love faithfull follwers ....

Friday, 6 April 2012

When the moneys spent and all my friends have vanished and I can't seem to find no love or help for free I know there's no need for me to panic ......

When the moneys all gone,
when the parties over and nothing looks
quite as good as it did will you
still be there by my side,
when I'm standing there with the scissors in my hand
slashing up my arms,
when I'm running round
Town with the credit card,
will you still take the scissors off me,
and the credit card,
will you still wrap your arms around me and
tell me you still love me.

thats the start of me writting a song completly related to me of course.
I try not to indulge in the past but it isn't like I can just forget it, when I think I've recovered that oh so familier feeling comes back and I feel so sick and I remember, I remember how it used to be.
It makes me feel sad that I was so desperate for a man to love me, I put up with abuse and so much bullshit.
Its funny, but not many people have said this to me, but a few people, and men especially, and in particular one guy who I won't mention the name of on here, but he said to me "Elle just promise me you'll stop going out with all these pricks, when are you going to realise your so much better than that"? Now this was a guy who I shared a few kisses with a few times and he definitly wasn't trying to get into my pants. Funny though I don't really remember either of my parents telling me I'm better than all these wankers.
So here I am 23 years old on a friday night just finished consuming the rest of Ben & Jerrys ice cream that me and Rhea bought up asda last night, contimplating on consuming a Mars bar and diet coke ... Watching movies on me own ; 'You again', 'The hangover' and now watching Sliding doors, and I would like to make a few comments on these films in a minute but 1st I want to finish up what I'm about to say here... So I'm seeing "The boy" as I call him, he's young (almost 22) and he's nice, I don't feel frightend when I'm round him, he's not violent, he doesn't even get aggressive which is good... I think... I mean when I say I think, obviously I don't want him to smash things up but I don't want to be with any one like me dad (as in has no emotion what so ever). I do feel slightly scared because I'm aware that we're not exactly exclusive at the moment and so my barriers are up and I can't quite relax just yet, and I suppose only time will tell...

So you again, bullying, wow I've been bullied my whole life, I'll always be an easy target because I'm nice, and nice people always get bullied, I wonder though, if bullies realise how much they can seriously fuck up someones life, its scared me for life. I've always wondered what goes through someones head whos bullying some one else, but I don't know if I'll ever figure it out..
Do you know what I really hate...
I hate it when people look me in the eye and lie to me, I hate it when people just completly use you, I hate people who fucking steal off you and then lie about it, I hate violence, I hate being rejected, I hate that my dad left and now he doesn't want to speak to me or see me and I don't even know why, I hate that I'm always alone when I cry, I hate it that men cheat, God I hate it when people drink too much or take drugs, I hate seeing the pain in other peoples eyes...

I always used to think when I was a kid that one day you'd fall in love and everything would be great forever, but reality isn't like that, looking back I don't think any man that has ever told me he loves me has loved me at all. The one man thats supposed to love me forever is me dad and he's never told me he loves me, and I'm not even sure where I'm going with all this but I have this great sadness about me.

You know I felt pretty pissed off when I was washing the conditioner off me hair this morning that I had to wash it off in freezing cold water because Iain and Becca had used up all the hot water because they decided to have a row in the shower, for fuck sake, it well pisses me off, and then I can't eat dinner at the table because there ain't enough room when he's here and now mum goes away tuesday so he'll be staying tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday, which to be honest is pretty standard now, it just ain't the same, I always get left out when he's here. I don't say any thing because its more hassle than its worth, but I do already feel shit about myself most of the time.
I keep myself stupidly busy because if I don't I sit and think about how I feel like no one really wants me, maybe its not true. I even feel like sometimes that me mates get annoyed with me, I'm sure its all in me head, but when I'm alone I can't pretend I don't have the thoughts of "maybe everyone would be better off if I wasn't here any more".
Wish I didnt' think sometimes...

So now onto some politics, now this has never been me strongest point but there is a few things right now that I am slightly concerned about .. actually scared shitless would be more accurate..

There's the matter of the weather, its hot then cold and its extreme and I'm worried that the effects of global warming are going to fuck up our earth more than usual.
I'm concerned about the fact that papers are saying that people born in 2012 won't be able to retire until their 80s which is just bullshit.
then there's the matter of the petrol going up which means the bus fair is going up again. Fucking hell, where does it end? people say I'm ignorant for living in a bubble but I just think its got to be better than knowing the truth, I know I contradict myself but ignorence is bliss although just maybe not when dating a lying, cheating wanker. That it I can't write anymore!

Peace out

love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 1 April 2012

I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean...

Wow can you believe its virtually been a month since I last wrote.
I've been pretty shit at updating but I've been busy living life and thats definitly got to be a good thing!

So whats going on in the world? Whats going on in the crazy world of Princess Elle aye?
Well I think last time I wrote I'd just broke up with Joe (you remember the compulsive liar, heroin addict homeless guy).
So I turned 23 and decided it really was time to turn over a new leaf and in actual fact I've been sticking to it.
Ove the last month I've begun to see that I may not be the smartest, skinniest, prettiest or even the nicest of girls out there, but as the tittle says "I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean".
I've always been slightly oblivious to whats going on in the world but come on would I be me if I was up to date on all the depressing things that happen in the world. I ain't an idiot, I know what goes on in the world but I just chose to be naive to it because it scares the shit out of me.

I will share the fact that according to the metro (which admitidly is not the most reliable source) however they say that babies born this year as in 2012 will not be able to retire till they're in their 80's FUCK ME that is SHOCKING! Whos with me on blowing up the house of Parliment??

So I'm continuing to volunteer in the charity shop, along with swimming twice a week, studying (and passing may I just add) I'm now officially qualified in facials so you know who to come to if you want a freebee!
I'm still knitting too I've made a bag now and I'm making a scarf and a patch work blanket, its nice to have a few projects on the go!

Ohhhh I bought the most amazing laptop recently its PINK!! (obviously)!
Bought some UGGs too recently whoop whoop love it!!!
So lets get to talking about the nitty gritty the thing I know you all love to hear about... my relationships with men and my relationship with alcohol!
So on the alcohol front thats genrally ok I definitly have a much better and healthier relationship with drink than I ever have in my life, I'm not persistantly avoiding altogether but I'm not exceeding it either so finally after 23 years I think I can almost say I've hit the jackpot!

So my relationships with men... Well I wish I could say I've resolved it with me dad, although I haven't so for the time being I'm going to leave that well alone until I figure it out, and who knows maybe I never will!!

So I've recently in the last few weeks been seeing one guy... at least I think I'm seeing him... no I'm almost certain we're seeing each other.. not sure how exsclusive we are yet but we'll see. So he's 22 next month (yes I am a cugar DEAL WITH IT)!!! He's a chef in the army, he doesn't smoke, or take drugs, and he has a home, so already he has more going for him than... everyone I've ever been with..
He's a really decent guy from what I've seen of him so far. It feels totally easy, like it doesn't feel difficult, I don't obsess and I don't constantly ring him 24/7 ... infact I barley ring him, we text and we see each other but there isn't any pressure there.
I trust him and am not freaking out about what he's doing when he isn't with me and yeah just feels really nice.
I think he likes me, he stayed over last night and I kissed him for the 1st time...
.. I know what your thinking, but sorry to disapoint you but the answer is no! We didn't sleep together, I'm still on lent and I want to take it really slow!
I think he's good for me, I don't act like "crazy Elle" when I'm with him, (by crazy Elle I mean the Elle that obsesses, slash my wrists, OD, cry all the time etc etc ..)
This quite possibly is the healthist relationship I've had with a man EVER! I haven't told him about the past bollocks either, finally realising its ok to let go of the past and he doesn't need to know about it as I'm not who I was back then...
It is quite hard learning to be able to have a healthy relationship because you automatically lose that butterfly feeling in your stomache which you convince yourself is excitment but is actually anxiety and fear. I know that, am reading "woman who love too much" for the 2nd time and this time round I'm really getting it, I was determined to get well and now I actually am.
This is the year its all going to happen for me, it already is pretty much, as soon as I get a job earning enough I'm moving out, I'm going on holiday this year :) I bought a laptop which is completly amazing, am going to get my tattoo this year too.
Once 'Pate (the nutty teacher guy) watch sells on ebay (hopefully will sell for at least £80) then I'll have £120 for me tattoo and I will get it done this year, going to be amazing, me nan is going to love it... (am getting ivy with little flowers tattooed around my ankle, cuz me nans names Ivy and I love her to pieces and it'll be like she'll be apart of my forever even once she's passed away) Me nans 95 by the way shes amazing and one of the funniest people I know bless her!


So there we have it for the first time in my whole life time of blogging I've finally written an optimistic blog! Princess Elle is definitly well on the road to recovery this time and it feels great.
I must say though if it wasn't for all my fabulous friendships I'm not sure I would have made it!

Love you guys


Friday, 2 March 2012

I'm broke, but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind, I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah. I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed....

..I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby. What it all comes down to, is that everythings going to be fine fine fine. Cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other ones giving a high five.
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid, I'm tired but I'm working, yeah. I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone, I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby.
What it all comes down to is everythings going to be quite alright, cuz I got one hand in my pocket, and the other ones flicking a cigarette.
What it all comes down to is I haven't got it all figured out just yet, cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.
I'm free but I'm focussed, I'm green but I'm wise, I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby. I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit, I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.
And what it all boils down to is no one's really got it figured out just yet, I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends, yeah is everythings just fine fine fine. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is hailing a taxi cab.

Amazing song by Alanis Morissette. I swear most of her songs are my life, any how speaking of life, I suppose your all wondering whats been going on in mine. Well well well...

So I think in my last blog I was umming and ahhing about the homeless boy. I'm not sure if I'd actually started speaking to him by this point or not... anyhow, Joe (the homeless boy) and I ended up having a sort of relationship if thats what you can call it, but then come on we all knew it was going to happen, I'm drawn towards fucked up men/boys that I think I can help/fix, one of these days I'll learn that you CANNOT help someone who isn't willing to help himself.
Any how I'm very proud of myself on how I actually handled the whole relationship. Those are Keri's words really going into my head and I'm beginning to really listen and actually hear for once. (Keri is my phyciatric nurse). She told me all about boundaries in relationships and that I don't have to follow their rules as it were, I can just hold up me hands and say enough is enough and walk away, I'm the one that allows them to treat me the way they do! Also making decisions on what I tell me mom and what I chose to not tell her and I am an adult and its interally my choice!
So there we go I've really begun to understand what she meant with all that she said. Learning I don't have to do anything I don't want to do and learning to say no!
So I got into a sort of relationship with Joe, we was spending alot of time together, just me and him, hanging out, drinking coffee, (or in my case tea), talking, laughing, writing notes and genrally enjoying each others company.... Somehow though it all changed and I think it must have been when we both started getting a little bit too close, as in admitting to each other that we had feelings for each other that were stronger than say just friendship. As soon as you go from being mates with a boy/man to being "involved" as I say it all completly changes. At least for me this is how it is. I am more vunrable because Its like Joe suddenly became naked live wires, if I got too close I'd get and eletric shock, and maybe thats what it was like for him too. Anyhow once we sort had confessed we had feelings for each other (and in his case he confessed his undying love for me), in actual fact I can see that he didn't really love me at all, what he was in love with was the idea of me and him, but not so much me. I'm pretty sure in his head he had this fantasy image of what his life would be like if he sorted himself out, got a job and a house and I was his pretty little girlfriend on his arm, pretty and intellagent with plenty of wit, willpower and full of useful skills. So how do I know this... because I fantasise all the time, and its very hard to get a reality check when your a dreamer but even us piceas need a kick up the ass to reality sometimes!
I could feel myself nagging him more about drink and it bothereing me more when he did have a drink, getting more pissed off if he didn't ring when he said he would and started to trust him less and less. I guess it wasn't that I was trusting him less, I suppose it was just when you get "involved" its harder to just step back and see things as an outsider if you get me..
Hopefully this is making sense....
So everything was sort of OK, and I let him spend the night here one nigh (no I didn't sleep with him) wanted to go get tested before all that. Any how it was a really nice evening even though I didn't really trust him. He left the next morning and I didn't hear from here till later that evening (suprise suprise). I was beginning to recall what it was like to be with Chris. I kept telling myself he wasn't like Chris, he was never viloent towards me, I was never scared of Joe physically just mentally!
Any how so even though I had alarm bells going off in my head I ignored them and continued to convince myself it would all be worth it.
Well that was until Joe went missing. I was worried sick, I didn't sleep for 3 days, I reported him as a missing person. 3 days later I get a call and even though I told him how worried sick i'd been I don't think it really registered in his brain!
He was totally casual like it wasn't a big deal, he was staying in Littlehampton with some guy called Dave who was a mate of his or something that wasn't a heroin addict, supposedly anyhow but then I don't know that for certain!
Any how then I eventually saw him 6 days later he came down to Brighton on a friday and took me for dinner and then I put him on a train to Barnham to stay with his mum, who I spoke to whilst worrying my nut off about Joe to see if she'd heard from him. This is also where I began to smell the lies and alarm bells were getting louder, but I wasn't quite ready to give up just then.
I spoke to him next late saturday afternoon and it turns out he was sitting in the middle of the road waiting to get hit by a bus!
Well I was round my mate Kates, with Dani, Kate, Andrea and Chris and I wasn't about to run out on me mates that clearly wasn't really thinking of me. I got a call from the hospital later saying Joe was there and he was fine and that he just wanted me to know. I gave the hospital a ring when I left Kates to speak to him and he wasn't exactly fine but he wasn't hurt.
I then didn't hear from him again till 5 to midnight on my birthday (which was tuesday just gone, 28th) yes I am no longer 22!!!!
Any how he seemed to think everything was fine between us which was when I realised he was totally deluded about our relationship, I'd already assumed it was over between us, but clearly Joe didn't think the same. Any how so I was really off with him and he told me he'd ring back later (which suprise suprise he didn't). Any how enough was enough I changed my number the next day and thats the end of it now!
on that note I've written enough for one night, I've got a hell of a lot more to right but I shall continue to update you sunday as I'm having a duvet day sunday (going out tomo which is saturday to celebrate me birthday properly, so no dobut will have even more to write but then)! xx

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Lean on me when your not strong, I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on

So feeling a little bit mixed feelings right now, part of me feels really let down by my family, and totally hopeless around relationships with them. Its now been 5 months that my dad hasn't spoken to me and part of me is just like fuck it, and then there's another part of me that sort of aches for some sort of sign of loving from him, but its hard because I know he'll never change and I've tried so hard but it's exausting trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly isn't bothered whether we have one or not!
So thats me Dad. I guess me mom isn't too bad we do fight quite alot but it tends to blow over in a couple days. I do feel like I'm always a huge disapointment to her though, like I got 87% on my skin care exam tuesday, and she said well done but I just know if it had of been Becca she probabally would have treated her to a meal or something and just sometimes feel like I try really hard to get some where and she never seems to reconise that, yet if I do something wrong she'll notice within a minute and have a fit at me. I guess its hard for her to realise that sometimes I really struggle to get out of bed so even just going for a swim is a big deal, and trying to take control of my health and mental health, it isn't like I'm not doing anything. I don't think she truly has any idea what a struggle I have to sometimes even leave the house, and the fight I have with the mirror every morning!
Then there's Becca, well I don't know what her problem is, it's like she watches me waiting for me to do something wrong. Its constant. It makes me feel so low, its like when I'm doing something sometimes usually when I'm cooking, she just stops and looks at me and I can feel her eyes on me you know that feeling. Its like shes watching and shes just waiting for me to do something wrong so she can start on me.
She can be such a bitch at times, always bringing up the fact that I don't pay any rent. It makes me want to cry, it isn't like I don't know that mum doesn't want me here, and sometimes I think all this shit isn't worth it, but if I leave I haven't got any where else to go! I saw a boy down London Road today when I was down there buying plums, I'm not sure how old he was as he had a hat on, which is pretty standard for this climiate any how, he was homeless in a sleeping bag, and I wanted to cry, I wish there was something I could have done. I walked up and down about 6 times contimplating talking to him, in the end though I just got on the bus because I didn't think it was a good idea, but if I leave that'll be me, and all my homeless mates have always said to me, Elle never be homeless, you'll end up on the drink and the gear with the matter of 3 weeks its the only way to get through the cold nights, they always said I had too much going for me to end up like that.
So guess I'll just stay for now.
Any how I did say only part of me felt like that.
There's another part of me that really is feeling hope right now.
I saw 2 boys at the old steine about 10pm and they were both eating mini chedders, they must have been between 14 and 17 (I'm a crap judge of age) any how I felt really hopefull seeing boys being their age it was refreshing seeing them eating mini chedders instead of drinking cans of beer/cider and smoking.
Feeling hopeful towards myself too, like my gums swelled up monday and so I rung the dentist and made an appointment for today, but even though thats something really small, its good I'm taking better care of myself. Staying away from guys like "Mr across the Road" and Chris, and guys that genrally I know are bad for me!
It was good to see the homepath tuesday too, I got to tell her everything that was going on, so she's given me a remedy that helps reduce swelling of the gums, helps with low mood/depression, good for helping you sleep and anxiety. I swear she's an angel, I'm still depressed but it has picked up a bit, I'm sleeping better, my anxiety is virtually non-existant, my gums have gone down (not completly back to normal but almost) and I'm beginning to be really on touch with what I want in relation to men and knowing when to say no and knowing when to back down so thats fab!!!
Finally figured out why I loved Tom, he wasn't like most guys and he definitly wasn't just after sex, infact he was probabally more mature and smarter than the majority of guys I've dated. Not just that though, Tom really got me, and as in my mind, like when we was playing the game of articulate in dartmoore, me Bradie and Tom was on one team, and then I think it was Emma, James, Alex and Ann-marie on the other team and everytime it was my time to describe Tom got it everytime, Ahhh memories.
Anyhow I'm not even dreading valentines day this year cuz I'm spending it with Rhea, I refussed to sit in my room whilst Bex and Iain get all lovie dovie, blurgh I want to vomit!
Mann I really miss being in love, I mean really in love *moment of fantasising*.
Turns out as long as your surrounded by love ones (in my case my mates) then life is awsome!! Heres to great friendships CHEERS!!
Any hows better finish me homemade plum crumple mmmm yummy, and hot custard and drag ma sorry little arse off to bed, Ally McBeal is waiting for me, and Misty (my teddy bear)!

Night all!

Mucho love and peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

It's alright, its alright, just as long as we can vote, we live in a democracy, and thats what we promote...

Song by Shakira, I love the way songs get a message across and sometimes when we listen to a song you sing along and you know the words but when you stop singing and really listen to the lyrics and hear the message in the song it can make you begin to question things. Well I love the phyco analyse and lets face it I think everything comes down to money and sex at the end of the day.
Don't miss judge me I do think there is a lot of important things in the world. Just sex and money (especially where men are concerned) are the things I thing growing up in England come down to, I would hate to inpose in other countries, this is purley on reasearch and I do intend to do reasearch else where at some point in the future.
Well any how I have a feeling this may be a long blog.
So for the average person 9 days isn't so long, genrally people just go along doing their business, going to work 5 days a week, studying at uni (although from what I can see there's more drinking involved than studying). Just an observation! Me being me wouldn't like to genralise!!
So any how and mothers looking after their child/children, and there's the lazy unemployed who like to sit on their arse and get pissed (lets not go there just yet). Anyhow you get my drift most peoples lives just continue to run along smoothly, not too much to say over the course of 9 days at least any how!
Well ladies and gents, I am not one of those people and in the life of Princess Elle 9 days and you know I could have quite possibly fallen in and out of love with about 3 people by that amount of time. I'm quite happy to confess this time this isn't the case, however I do have a lot to report back on...
It was Diesels one year death anniversary sunday which i'd been seriously dreading because well death is morbid, heart breaking and sad. So anyhow decided to go for cocktails and light some little angel model candels in memory of him and be around the people I love, (Andrea and David) I do love more people than them but they was the ones that were out that I love... If that makes sense... Any how I began to feel a bit frantic about him because I could feel conversations me and him slipping away from my memory and I feel like I'm running and running to grab them but they're floating away faster and faster and that makes me sad. It also makes me realise that one day I'll have to let go, doesn't mean I'll ever forget him.
Any how for some reason unknown to me, I decided to have a drink (as in alcohol). 1 glass of Sangria ... I think and a glass of red wine with lemonade. I have no idea how but for some reason I felt drunk. Not just a bit drunk, alot drunk... or pissed if you like.. .
So I got home and was feeling abit shit so went over "Mr across the Roads" *very very bad move*! Ever noticed how when you've had a bit to drink things that cross your mind that you would never consider saying or doing sober, seem like a great idea when your drunk after 2 hours of vommiting, banging headache and very little sleep the reality of that so brilliant idea suddenly hits you, sober and hung over and all you can think is fuuccckkk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attempting to sleep with "Mr across the Road" was definitly one of those moments!!
Yes oh the shame of it. It sort of went abit like this... him; laughing after say a couple mins of "doing it" by that I mean having sex! Me; "Do NOT laugh at me whilst your inside me". Him; still laughing, "Can we try this another time.. when your sober" Me; "Urm... lets think about this.... NO get off me idiot" *Elle exits the scene*!
Still at least I know for sure now.
Unfortunatly I did vomit too, for what felt like hours which may have actually been half hour but still if your going to say some thing may as well exaderate abit, makes it more dramatic and I thrive on drama. Ha ha like sitting on the floor of the toilet and urgh it was minging why don't they show that in the movies aye, the reality of not being able to handle your drink = vommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt ewwwwwwww and I tell you what thats not sexy EVER! Any how so I managed to convince myself I was dying and it was horrible. Turns out its true what they say. I am a drama queen...

End of topic one. Lesson learnt; don't drink (no not even one) and certainly do not go round a guys house drunk and act of any ideas that may seem at that moment in time, if you wouldn't do it sober DON'T FUCKING DO IT FULL STOP! thats aimed at me not you...

Any how cute boys drinking at 10.26am to be exact on a monday morning and democracy and tea is going to have to wait. I've got a hole load of ironing to do!

Peace and love to ma trusty followers.................... xxxxxxxxxxxxx