Sunday, 11 September 2011

Ain' that just the way life goes down, down, down, down, moving way too fast or much too slow

Thats sort of how I am ya know, I'm either rushing about on a manic high, or slumping around and doing everything thing really slow.
Man my life sucks!!
I wish good things last but they don't!
The majority of my problems revolve around money and men!
I live off virtually nothing and now the buses have gone up from £55 to £62 thats £7! This is a fucking joke, I swear I don't even know what I'm paying for, to stand around in the cold for near enough at least half hour everytime I wait for a bus. I'm on the serious case to complain to a lot of authority people right now, God fucking damn it!
I can't even aford to buy the material to make peoples christmas presents this year!
I'm in desperate need of one of those light boxes for SAD cuz autumns only just started and already I'm suffereing from severe lack of vitimin D but unfortunatly they cost between £50-£100!
Why does everything cost so much fucking money! It's a joke.
So I think I'm down to my last straw after attempting to ask people to you know maybe ... give me £50 so I can buy all my bits to make everyone christmas prezzies and being rejected I conclude I have two options left the 1st being
commit suicide (and I'm really sorry if you read this and think a) I'm being a drama queen/attention seeker, b) thats a really selfish thing to put up for people to read). However my argument is this is my blog and I don't sugar coat things and I write the truth of how I feel and as I always say, you are reading it at your own risk!
and how the other option is becoming a theif... Ok lets say "borrowing" theif doesn't sound too good. So I like borrow things from say Tescos for example (come on it isn't like they can't afford it). I just happen to forget to return it!
Although relistically neither of those options are a good idea really are they.
So here I am stuck back at square one, misurable, depressed and skint, without ciggerettes, alcohol or sex! Fabulous! I mean what was so bad about being a chain smoker, an alcoholic and the best sex life in Brighton, fuck getting called a whore it solved my money problems. If I was having sex I wasn't sitting round depressed about money and thinking about where the next meals going to come from! I feel as though I may fall off the wagon soon with the booze, yay or nay?

So I saw Barney today, you all know Barney right? Some prick that stole my virginity ... actually I gave it up pretty williningly to be fair to him. But I was maybe not in love with him but besotted with him! He's still as gawjuss as ever, fuck him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth tanned skin ugh I officially hate him for still being able to make me catch me breath 6 years down the line! His now fiance of 5 years is really not very attractive and overweight, can I just say at this point I am not delibratly a bitch, but he broke my fucking heart and so why could he be with her not me? I know I'm not exactly little miss stunning but I thought I'd grown into my looks (or maybe I've just grown out of them, God knows). Any how so if it isn't my looks then it must be my personality and I kind of think thats worse! I know i'm mentally ill, but would it be really bad if I started stalking him in attempt to win him back... I know where he lives!
This stalking business is getting a little out of hand me thinks. I mean I stalked him for a year before I even had the bleeding balls to ask for his number and I think I need to seriously give up stalking "mr across the Rd". Oh jesus and then I started stalking this new guy Wakan- I have no idea jhow to pronounce this, he's 22, born in Pakestan but living in london and thinking of moving to Brighton (round the corner from me mums-conveniently) has a car too (although its green, not good). Whatever he's an idiot because he took my digits and hasn't rung or added me on fb! (yes he did ask me for me fb name)! I really hate guys taking me number, I'd much rather take there's cuz as you all know I'm a total control freak and I like to be able to contact them if I want or keep them hanging on if I want, but now he has all the control and I have none GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck it I refuse to get silly over boys- I AM NOT 15 ANYMORE!

Jesus I'm really struggling with the whole Diesel situation, everytime I kind of think I'm OK with it something reminds me of something he said or did or wore or whatever and it all comes rushing back!
For fuck sake when will I be at ease with his suicide!
Not a good subject to bring up at night thats me having night mares all night BRILLIANT! Although it is September 11th so I guess it would be inevatable anyhow.
OK thats it I'm going to job centre tomo to demand they give me more money CUNTS blurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm sure theres more to write, like Terrys a prick, and my dads a wanker, but hey guess you already knew that if you are a regular follower!

I'm going to go pass out I'm beyond tired need sleepppppppppppppppppppppp

Peace out lovers

love , love , love

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