Sunday, 31 October 2010

Fuck me 8 weeks till Christmas and also halloween!

Oh fucking dear!
Lol not sure if I should say that.
Not sure what to think or say.
Why do I seem to be so good at fucking up. More than anything right now I want to leave. It seems like the only thing left to do.
I started SLAA yesterday (Sex and love addicts anonymous).
I didn't get there till 1pm, I was meant to be there at 12.30pm but leaving the house seemed like such a scary thing and actually admitting I'm a sex and love addict is so fucking scary.
For people who aren't addicts it's impossible for them to really understand what its like to live a life where sex is replaced with the lack of love and there's a permanent desperate need to be surrounded by men and have all the attention on me. That's the addiction here.
It really is. I feed on the high that I get from the attention from men and I feed on how I feel when I'm sleeping with a man and he's deep inside me and how I just get lost in the sex when were so close we couldn't get any closer and that sense of satisfaction I get when I'm naked and so is he and our bodies are touching and our breath is slower and longer and how complete and warm I feel when we're making love.
Except with every addiction there's a come down. I'm so high and yet when it's over I sink, I sink into this low place of depression as if I'm stuck underground and I'm trying to climb back up and my hands just slide back down the walls and I can't get back up.
It's the same with all my addictions. It was the same with the drinking, I was so high when I was drinking I felt cool, confident and so fucking high and yet there would always be that come down and I'd just sink back into depression and I'd just want to continue getting to that place of feeling on top of the world.
I did it with shopping too. I used to get a major high whilst I was going round the shops buying more and more and I'd have bought all these amazing items and I was buzzing. Yet I'd get home and I'd be sitting surrounded by all these bags full of clothes and shoes and whatever else I'd bought and I'd get this pang of guilt in my stomach and I didn't want to clothes anymore I'd just sink into a depressed state because it was over and I wanted to get back to that place of being high and I just couldn't.
I don't want to be alone any more with my addiction I want to be with people who understand what its like to feel how I feel.
It sounds so fucked up the way I crave for sex and attention and then I need more and so I just go from guy to guy and as harsh and as nasty as it may sound I never give a shit how many men I hurt on the way, I spend so much time chasing men and then I get them and it's like then I have to move onto another one because he isn't a challenge anymore.
The thought of not being like that anymore scares the shit out of me because I've been carrying it around for years and it's like now I'm going to try and heal and get healthy cuz I don't want to live my life in suspense anymore.
I want to have a loving healthy relationship and I will one day as long as I just stick to the programme. I know i've got a long way to go but I will get there!
peace out lovers

Monday, 25 October 2010

Just another manic monday... 25th October.

So the weather has begun to to change, its fresh and very cold, the leaves have all started to drop and are all crispy, orangeie, reds, browns and yellows. It's gawjuss, and I think I can safely say autumn has arrived. Time to get out thick coats, gloves, hats and scarves as winter is on its way.
So here I am back in Brighton and not only is it the end of the season its also the end of an era.
The end of the dramas and the heart ache, the pain and the being left in suspence of what may happen next and whether I will make it through alive or not.
It's all finished.
I went away and I went back and revisited all the hurt right back from the beggining when I was a little Elle. I let my heart feel the same feelings they have been recently but back when that 1st feeling ever occoured. I let me heart break and I let myself cry into the arms of my RC lovers and to let myself get so cross that I was litrally shaking and sweating.
So I fought back I can't get back the past but I can change my future and other peoples future.

It seems like a long time ago that I was sectioned and put into a police cell for 7 hours, it seems like a long time ago that I had feelings for Chris.
The anger towards him has gone, the heart ache for him is fading.
I know there's still along way to go, but I just need to keep being persistant. I'm going to continue with RC, I'm going to get my phyciatric nurse and im going to start my support groups on sex and relationships addicts anoynamous.
I feel so much calmer and everything is going to be ok and finally I'm fighting back and I never thought I would this time!!

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Tuesday 19th October

Fucking hell!!
I really do feel like I am in hell!!
I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. Confused, sad, stressed, angry!
Chris overdosed and is currently in intensive care, well he was, he may not be anymore.
I said goodbye to him last night forever, still feel sick though.
I haven't eaten in 2 days now and I relapsed yesterday afternoon I drunk vodka and orange. It's not like me to relapse but I had Ian telling me he loved me and I just kept thinking of all the things me and Chris ever said to each other.
It's crazy but I kept re reading the texts he ever sent over and over again.
I brought myself to delete them. I have to admit that I did keep a couple of voice mails from him that I go to sleep listening to at night over and over.
I know he'll pull through but I can't ever see him again and I know it won't be good for either of us if we did.
It doesn't stop me loving him though. It would be so much easier if I could just hate him.
It's just so fucked up I know I'll get through it cuz I'm strong and as much as there have been times when I've wanted to just give up I know that I can't!
It's just I'm struggling to get me head round it, everything just keeps going round and round in my head and I'm left feeling insane and nutty and more than anything confused!
The last few months have just gone so quickly I find myself trying to catch my breath!
Time out

Monday, 11 October 2010

FUCKING MONDAYS! 11th october.

Currently in the middle of a sugar fix!
God damn it why do I always fall for the wrong fucking men??

I seriously need to turn me life around, have no idea but I don't have a clue where to begin, but I know for a fact that I can't live like this!!!

I feel like I've been like an actress over the last few months, constantly seeing Chris on and off, for him to sit a round telling me he loves me, well as every one knows actions speak louder than words.
According to MR Levi love is when you sit there and drink a beer and refusing to cuddle me, watching some shitty crime programme and turning down a fucking blow job!
Oh lets not forget the time where he tried to break my arm, threw rocks at me and tells me every day that I'm a fat ugly cunt. Well if that's love then he can keep it.
It isn't easy trying to live 3 different lives, permanently on an act a round Chris!
Not to mention I thought it would be a good idea to become a prostitute and clearly fuck my head up that little bit more.
So what do I do? I take the easy option!
I lay on the train tracks at Shoreham station and waited to be killed. That's how I met JR, he dragged me off the tracks. He basically saved me life! As for Chris he said next time he'll chain me to the gate and then I'll definitely die! Like I said if that's love then he can keep it!

So time to turn me life a round!
Well I guess this has been good research! How low one stupid pretentious little prick that is no where near a man, more like a little rat goes to show that his only true love in life is drink and to be honest I may not be pretty, skinny and tall but at least I can honestly hold up me hands and say I ain't drunk for 3.5 years and at least I can say this is who I am and if people like it or not I am me, and your lucky if you ever get to meet the real me cuz not many people have.
Any how I've got to finish my research and then hopefully all of it will come together in the end.

As for men I act naive, I act ditsy and dim but in actual fact it is just an act and the thing is what the stupid prick doesn't realize is I'm going to make him pay for what he's done to me, or at least what he thinks he's done to me and it will be the best revenge so far ... ha ha ha NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A TRUE BLOND SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!