Thursday, 30 June 2011

Crumbelling down...

My mood right now... Well this is me I never just feel one feeling at a time like most people. I'm feeling completly restless, slightly angry (ok really angry like I want to stamp on someones head). I guess there is a little bit of sadness there too maybe, along with frustration and something like a hole, like a sort of emptiness.
I just want to say I'm not a vileont nutcase, I write this blog merley for myself to let off steam. Sometimes it can be really hard to keep it all locked up, I know what I write sometimes can be shocking, and subtelty was never my strong point!
Any how so met up with Aaron last night. My suspicions we're definitly conformed he's a right little prick. He kept trying (sorry not trying actually doing) putting his hand up my skirt, and completly ignoring the fact that I told him to get off. You know I was thinking about it and actually most of the guys I've slept with could potentially been classed as rape cuz I'm pretty sure about 50% of the guys I've slept with I've told to stop and they're just all like let me carry on for another couple mins and I'm kind of like seriously stop and they just completly ignore me and then before I know it they've blown their load and they're already zipping up and getting ready to leave.
You know what men really are little shits.
Aaron's actually told me to fuck off and not to text or ring him again cuz I wouldn't sleep with him. Now usually I would have sent him the arsiest text back like ever but in actual fact I stopped and I thought, do you know what I'm way too good for this guy who has bad breath, herpes on his face, is a right twat and isn't even realyl cute at all, I started thinking jesus my standards really have slipped! And that he isn't even worth a free text or one of my free minutes so I ignored it completly.
I'm through with men, they actually are all pricks.
Right and something that really gets me fucking fuming is this obsession guys have about girls being pretty!!!!!!!!!
Heres a conversation between me and Aaron...
Me: Why you so into me any ways I thought I was a whore!!
Aaron: Oh yeah but your beautiful so its kind of OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Please will someone tell me what the fuck the word pretty, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous etc means?
Does it mean you can sleep with 1000's of men and it doesn't matter, does it mean you can take loads of drugs, does it mean you can shop lift? Does it mean you can kill someone fuck sake.
Fuck this shit man, I am going out clubbing to show all the men in Brighton who I have slept with that they didn't get under my skin and that I am still going out woop woop fuck you men in Brighton men FUCKKKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!


Sunday, 26 June 2011

'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me, don't let me out of your sight, I'm just a girl all pretty and petite, so don't let me have any rights...

Ah man don't you just love No Dobut...

Amazing song and lyrics.

Any how unfortunatly before I start todays topic, I must have a rant.

I don't think I've ever met a couple who row the way Becca and Iain do, it drives me fucking mad!! Not to mention that every time I watch some thing it gets insulted by Iain so and everything gets questioned it does my nut!!

Then I have to listen to them having make up sex, can I vomit yet???

I would say that that my rants over but it is far from over especially seeing as Iain is sitting behind me asking me questions about really stupid things conversation...
*listening to Taylor Swift*
Iain: Do you like Taylor Swift?
Me: (thinking in my head nahhh I just put it on cuz I hate it). Yes.
Iain: why do you like her?
Me: (thinking oh my God please shutup what sort of question is that anyhow).
*me can't take anymore, saves blog, gets up and leaves the room*!!

So todays topic is about cheating, and not just any sort of cheating, cheating in a relationship and yes it is wrong but not every case can be judged in the same way because yes cheating is cheating but there are many different circumstances and what I want to talk about is not the cheater, or the cheatee, but in actual fact the "Other woman" (I guess other man too but I deal with things from womans point of veiws not mens sorry guys).
So despite how much you may be thinking "the other woman" is a total bitch and what not, stop right there OK. I ain't trying to justify the other womans behavour, but she has feelings too and I know what your thinking why would she get involved with a married man/ a man in a relationship to begin with? Well for starters men are extremly good liars so it could be that she didn't know until she'd already fallen in love with him, or the simple fact of we can't always help who we fall for!! Whoever they are...
So yes it is really shit for the wife/girlfriend but think about the other woman, she gets all these broken promises and deep down knows that they're probabally not true and yet clings on to them and the longer the affair continues the more we get attached and then end up being clingier and clingier cuz we get to the point that we're so used to this crazy double life to lose it would be unbearable. (At least thats what we convince ourselves).
Don't think there isn't a single moment of a single day goes buy that the "other woman" doesn't feel so guilty and so dreadful that ending it seems like the only way out but the actual ending it is so much harder to put into practise than it is to say it!
The other woman who longs to be truely loved and cared for as herself!
Any how I'm not trying to justify anything but I think its important not to always look at things in a black and white narrow minded sort of way!
So I broke it, so much for lucky number 36, yes I slipped, I had sex, I ain't going to say with who cuz for once, its private but I question if it was a mistake? Well give me 3 months and I'll let you know...
So now on the hunt for lucky number 37, and jesus christ it better be lucky because otherwise I'm going to end up with sleeping as many people as last year... last year was ... about 11, and this year its 4 now, so as longas I don't sleep with another 7 peoples this year I am OK. To do that I'd have to be meeting quite a few men seeing as there are only another 6 months left in the year!!!
Any how I am a bit of a naughty girl tonight, I went out... came home... went out to meet me mate for a long walk... and now waiting for another guy to come pick me up and go out in Brighton for a bit... I am not a dirty stop out.. I'm just fed up with lying in bed at night staring at the ceiling feeling alone, and not being able to sleep, may as well go out right...

I was thinking when I got into bed last night about my life and stuff and I started to feel like I don't really fit in anywhere.. I hate that feeling but I've never really felt like I belong really. Maybe that is the potential bi polar. I felt really annoyed on the train on friday some girl got on the train and she sat on my table oppisite me and she was with her mate and I don't know what it was but like I got really annoyed with her. Like I think it was an attention thing. Like when I'm out on the Town if there's some girl thats out being quite loud, she's gotta go, it doesn't matter who she is or how nice she is, if she's stealing my lime light, shes gotta go!
I mean how fucked up is that...

Any how going out so catch ya later aligators..

Peace out
Love ya

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

A life of fantasy and magic....

Lol well maybe not quite but getting there slowly... its so cool being on holiday with me favourite cousin life here is great, I can sleep till noon, have amazing homemade ice lollies, drink vanilla, butterscotch, hazelnut and chocolate lattes from Jens flashy coffee machine till my hearts content. Have exsessive amounts of tea mmm. Watch loads of movies on a 92 " screen, doing pretty well with movies actually, have now seen New Moon and Eclipse (totally amazing) after watching Eclipse last night I'm over 100% in love with Edward and Jake and because of it I don't think I can ever date another man again because no man will live up to Jake or Edwards body, mind or soul. So single for eternity.. men are shit anyhows....
Saw Gnomeo and Juliett, hilerious, Letters to Juliett, Paul, Leap year, think we're watching the hangover later and maybe Sex in the City 2 (yes I know I've got it on DVD but nothing like watching it on a 92 " screen, besides tis amazing).
Oh my Goshie been having hot choccy every night (and I'm not just talking about your average hot choccy, I'm talking about Jens hot choccy with choccy and plain cream on top and tonight were even having marsh mellows, and sprinkles, amazin)!
Tonight we're making apple pie (yes from scratch) and mash potato for dinner with veggy sausages and onion rings. Ugh its so good being here!
If the weather improves towards the end of the week may even get to go for a dip in the swimming pool ;-).
Got me fringe cut in the hairdresses today (yes for free, jesus it only takes 5 mins). Got so blonde hair dye specifically for touching up roots so soon (hopefully tomo) will no longer have roots that look grey and then nicked one of them highlighting caps out of another box from a highlighting kits from boots so can do me pink streaks too after touching up me rooms. Going to look fabby :D

Bought some orange Barry M nail varnish today (gotta be Barry M, amazing), going to paint them orange when back at mums and then put the magic black on and me finger nails will look like tiger print and you know how much I love to stand out...

Spoke to James... from the counsil today got a couple of one bedroom properties for me to look at in Newhaven... I know I wasn't going to move back there but if I can get a one bed flat there then why not. It's close to Jax and besides don't want to live in Hove and start me Princes trust course in September .. (only like 2 months and a week away now) so yeah why not. Was thinking after a year the rules of the counsil change they'll only pay all my rent for a year and then they only do that if your over 35 but figure if I put me name on the counsil list after a year they should be able to find me a flat thats well permenant till I give it up bacically so got it sorted mate!
Any hows offskies now to enjoy the luxuries of having to do absolutlky nothing ... If I chose not to!
Love it
xX mwah Xx

Sunday, 19 June 2011

The only way is up,,,

I don't mean that in a rude way you filthy humans. I mean that in a my life did and has hit rock bottom and now I figure there's only one way lfet to go and thats up, up and away!
Saw a pitcure of Terry and that girl I'm convinced is having his baby earlier, playing happy families already urghyk!
Oh man watched New moon last night on 92 inch screen, can't stop fantasizing about Jake or Edward since they're both just 100% amazing I think I'm officially in love *mmm fantasises*!! See why can't real men be like them? I wouldn't exactly call guys in the south men anyhow, most of them don't even grow proper facial hair yet, and even if they do they ain't what I'd call "real men". Their idea of a "real man" is sleeping with as many woman as they can, drinking until they litrally can't walk and taking so many drugs till they're sparko or arrested! Oh and beating the shit out of other guys (and sometimes girls if they're really fucked up, like the majority of my ex's).
Technolagy, alcohol, drugs and image has ruined are men. Send them to the army that'll sort em out, they go in a boy and ome out a man!
Someone who isn't only interested in a quick shag consisting for a few thrusts and hey preto its over. I actually wonder if guys even know how to turn woman on these days. A quote from a previous conversation with an ex ...
Him: lets have sex...
Me:... Ok...
go into bedroom....
me: Ok well you gotta turn me on 1st I can't just have sex with you when i'm not the slightest bit horney...
Him: Well how do I do that...
I mean jesus you think...
Thats men for you though they just never seem to understand what I'm trying to get at. Thats the thing with men from the south, or maybe just men from the UK in genrel they're all a little bit simple. I don't mean they're thick cuz by all means tghere are alot of them that arn't but when it comes to really getting me none of them really do. I wish I could say I'd met a man that really got me, and I guess David gets me so not every english man but then he's different. I used to think Ben got me, but now like really thinking about it he didn't!
You know actually Colin got me too (my step dads nephew) mmm colin was so gawjuss, beyond gawjuss, he was uh a total sex God and Graham wasn't much behind him, more buff than Colin. In Twilight terms- Colin would be Edward and Graham would be Jake!!
Still amazing just in different ways. Actually I believe Colin is recently single again ;-) ;-) nudge nudge, not like he'd be interested in me in a million years and I haven't even got the hope of bumping into him anymore cuz I have no idea where he works or where he live!
There is always the hope of my step dad filling me in but I very much dobut he would Colin must be at least 10 years older than me (although age has never been an issue from my end). 32 isn't exactly old now!
Would be so nice to have the sort of pleasure that you get when your really making love with someone or at least intimate, passionatte sex, we've all had it at one point in our lives... I hope, or if not experianced it then dreamt about it. Its the kind of thing where four play goes on all night for maybe 6 hours before you even contimplate having sex. Where you explore each others bodies in such away that its like the real world disappears and any worries you had or were having are temporerally discarded. A world where your free from pain and free from fear, completly taken away from everything apart from each other.
Its amazing and when you do finally have penitration it isn't just a few thrusts and whella finito, its a long process full of emotion and passion and not only are they inside you like how we all know penatration is but they're inside you emotionally and mentally too and honestly there is no sex like that!
It was along time ago that I had sex like that and I only ever had sex with one person like that! Out of the 35 males (not men) that I've slept with I can honestly say only 2 of them were worth sleeping with. Ritchy who was a right prick but the best one night stand I ever had, and little James who was the only boyfriend I've had thats been good in bed and that is really fucking depressing!
Maybe I should only promote the fact in future that I've only slept with 2 guys, afterall the rest of them arn't really worth mentioning... good plan!
Any how need to stay away from amazon already bought meself New moon and eclipse and just ordered kidulthood too. Mann the internet is too damn addictive. I've actually been online all day. I'm recently addicted to this bloody wesite that Zoe told me about tagged, I need to go into rehab for the most addictive personality of Brighton...
God damn it!
I'm offskies

mucho love me followers...

peace out ...

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Who will save your soul?

Well who knows who will save these hideous humans who call themselves men, they're beyond help! Who saved Diesels soul? Well his soul will be saved because he wasn't a bad person deep down. I guess even he was a hypacrit at times, but hey aren't we all and I won't slag off the dead, tell you what though its so much easier to remember things differently when someones past on. However its time to leave him and that to rest now. Consistantly digging up the past isn't good for my mental health!!
Had lunch with Chris's step dad today and hung out (I know what your thinking). He isn't anything like Chris though. To be honest it was actually nice to be able to hang out and have real conversations with someone that doesn't have a mental age and a volcablary of a 5 year old! Feel optimistic actually.
Been speaking to Lauren alot recently and she just has brilliant karma that seems to heal me and make me feel determined and stronger mentally! It's great when someone really understands and really believes in you, not many people do believe in me! I only need one person to believe and it makes me feel so empowered and calmer!
Officially need to ring my publisher tomorrow, no exscuses.
Went to the clinic today after being completly paranoid that I have an STD. Well I don't have thrush (which isn't an STD any how) and I don't have Gohnarea, obvioulsy with chlymidia and the others I have to wait. Had the HIV and hep tests too and they come back in 2-3 weeks so fingers crossed I'm all clear!
The counsil are proper on it to find me a flat I've been homeless one day and they already found me a flat to move into (am not taking it as there was severe mould and in Hove, well we all know I can't live in Hove). The point is in one day of being homeless they found me somewhere so by the end of the 4 weeks I'm sure I will have a flat. They ain't putting me in a hostel or a B&B which is definitly a good thing!
Woop woop off on holiday for a week tomo, just what I need really a nice relaxing break! Jennets a legend so will be good to see her and catch up properly and maybe even learn a few of the secrets of how to make the most amazing cakes like EVER!!!!
Even Beccas been neing nice to me begining to wonder if there's something up but maybe she's just trying to be supportive after knowing about my attempted suicide a couple weeks ago and my relapse on drinking.
10 days now without a fag :(. I think I 've got about 3 days left of antibiotics now and then hopefully I can actually smoke again!
Anyhow going out with Emily on 30th soooo getting her in a dress, we're going to go out and pull woman, I am through with men they suck so maybe I'll date woman again for a bit, afterall I expect guys to go down on me so how bad can it be to go down on a girl??
Meh thats it for me. Much more optimistic though arn't I! Homeless or not, I'm going to be the classiest homeless gal like ever! Oh and one more thing I am always fucking fabulous whether I'm homeless or not, no matter what you want to say about me, don't you go forgetting that!!!

Peace out
love to all me followers
as the rest of you........................


Saturday, 11 June 2011

Shawshank redemption..... james...

Yes its on TV hence the title, I'm half watching it. Member little James (I'm sure he contributed a bit towards my nervous break down, however he's not here to defend himself and the past should stay that way so I won't have a barney about it). Still miss him though, he was actually quite a respectable young man (shame he was stoned 24/7). All in all though he was quite low down on my list of "men that are crap at intercourse" which obviously is a good thing. No need to question that Ritchy was the best by far but with Luke and a few others it meant something, but if we're talking along the lines of sex as opposed to making love then he would be lets say one of the top 3 maybe...

Any how I'm not here to waffell on about old films and potential old lovers.
Although I do have to mention there are a pair of Ben (yes the man I am in love with) underwear hanging up over the clothes horse in the dining room and I can't help but to ogle them like he were here. (sick I know). Man wish he was standing naked infront of me now. In actual fact he's gone to a house party with Iain in Southampton and they're staying so no dobutedly he'll get very drunk and end up getting with someone else. Afterall it is saturday night, not everyone has a crap life like me on a saturday sitting home alone watching old movies that remind them of ex's in her pjs that I have been wearing since monday so they fucking stink. Wow I'm so fucking attractive right now. (have got Terry's clothes but can't bring myself to wear them, might make my symptons of him worse- probabally come out in a rash or something, or contiuous sneezing). We wouldn't want that now would we....

Spoke to Lauren on the phone tonight, that always makes me feel better needed some words of wisdom seeing as I've had a little bit taken away ... (ha ha get it wisdom.. wisdom tooth.. whatever don't worry). Felt so much better after talking to her like I was saying about how earlier I was looking through people on facebook who I went to school with (yes the shame of it I am a facebook stalker) and they all looked like they were doing so much with their life and what had I actually done (besides sleep with and have relationships with men who are completly fucked up). Lauren reminded me that it's different for them because they don't have an illness.
That for me was like an alarm clock ringing in my ears there we have it... I'm ill and getting a diognosis is my next step. I do need to get diognosed with bi-polar and I do need a mood stabeliser. Its very difficult because with mental illness you can't see it, yes you can see it thorough drinking, drungs, smoking, self harming, attempted overdoses and attempted suicides but it isn't like a broken leg for instance. Doctors know exactly what to do with a broken leg and roughly how long it takes to heal and the right medication etc.
When it comes to mental health I actually think alot of doctors and nurses who arn't trained in that area are probablly a little bit aprehensive, in their own right, afterall they don't want to make the patient worse or give out the wrong advice. Obviously each patient suffering from mental health illness needs different meds depending on his/hers symptons etc and it isn't so straight forward which for the person themselves (in this case moi) it makes it very frustrated and it's not exactly great when your saying over and over that you need help and a fucking diognosis and no one bloody listens or takes me seriously. I mean jesus I've taken enough bloody overdoses what more do I need to do or say for them to realise I'm not fucking well!!

Any how there is always a plus side, don't ask me how I'm managing to be optimistic whilst my face is throbbing to pieces, My jaws so stiff I feel like I've been giving a man/men blowjobs non stop for the last 3 days and in between chewing gum, I haven't had a fucking ciggerette or any type of chocolate since monday (which is 5 days now.. virtually 6 in a hour or so).
I'm still on it!

  • Paid my phone bill

  • booked the storage room and paid deposit (which is refundable thank fuck)

  • Booked my good old Tom with his van

  • decided to go to sainsburys monday for boxes alone and get a cab back seeing as no one is willing to help.

  • Emailed everyone on friends list with cars or potentially know people with cars who can drive me from mine to mums with my clothes and paper work wednesday evening after I have departed with my treasures.

  • Going to go to the dentist and attempt to scream at them for putting my through so much pain

  • Go to the docs (mother is coming thank fuck) to get a diognosis and a new sick note as it runs out on 14th.

Ohhh fuck I've just rememberd I need to change my address with every one fuckarama...

Okies not a problem this is why I have unlimmeted calls on my phone for lifes little dramas. I can pop into the bank tuesday not a problemo...

I need to book my train ticket tomo online and make sure it comes through to this address (this address being mothers) so on friday I can bugger off for a bit, my darling school friend Sarah has offered to put me up till july 10th woop woop I won't be sleeping on the streets. So there we goes... I will try to update whilst away but making no promises I don't own any one any thing lol ;-) ;-) nudge nudge. Do me good to get away though. Definitly.

So there you go my ... What 30 minute update or however long ...

Peace out ...


Friday, 10 June 2011

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living, I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving, but I can't haite you!

Started to think about Terry today, heavens knows why, that ship has definitly sailed. I dunno its just I'm alone and I guess I can't help but long for someone strong and warm to wrap their arms around me, realistically here he was the last person that hugged me and really hugged me. Damn him for fooling me once and damn me for being fooled twice. It bugs me though because it's like the words sung by Sade I'm not going to act like lifes over (because of him at least). Honestly I'm not that good at forgiving but I can't hate him, suppose I feel a bit like that with Ben too.
Man it would be so much easier if I could hate them and cut that part of my life away so I don't remember unfortunatly not even the Western side of the world is that advanced with technolagy. Suprising really considering they provide you with pills for everything else and send you on your way.
I feel like all my blogs have been slightly negative recently I do want to get back out there and go dancing again and have loads of fun like old times but when your face is throbbing and swollen and your just genrally in pain its the last thing you feel like doing without even mentioning about I've got to get the majority of me stuff packed up and put into storage by wednesday. The idea of leaving most of my shoes and clothes in storage is more than I can bare!

I got to thinking about woman earlier and our bodies and faces I guess too. I was tragically watching the Jeremy Kyle show and there were celebraties who had been through traumatic things. There was one fake blonde girl who had undertaken so much surgery and if you actually took a good look at her it was actually really quite sad! She looked so fake, everything about her looked slightly shiney and plastic, I mean jesus 15 boob jobs, fuck me thats a lot of surgery to undertake as it is and thats not even including the rest of it. Its very difficult because people and I would liek to stress it isn't just woman but I guess I'm targetting it at woman because I think its all aimed at woman more and the scary thing is its aimed at young woman.
I'm constantly obsessing about my weight and thinking if I could just be a bit skinnier then guys will like me more and if my boobs got a lift boys would be more interested in me!
I hate the fact that I am so sucked into this media bullshit.
Nikki Graham (the drama queen from Big brother) was also on the show talking about her anarexia problem which started when she was 8 years old and didn't finish till she was 19! It's runied the poor girls life. When she was 8 she weight 2.5 stone, I mean for fuck sake the thought of that makes me feel sick with fear for her!
She's never had a period in her life so she'll never have a chance to have children (I guess adoption would always be an option for her). She's developed ostious fibrosis in her spine too which basically means shes got brittle bones that can snap alot easier than say someone without it!
This is the frustrating thing about say bulumia, anorexia and surgery its all posted to be very glamourous and if your in the lime light thats part of the job.
What bullshit. Seriously if men want to be with someone who is a bad of bones, tits bigger than their head that are firm and "perfect" and with a ideal nose, mouth, eyes, cheeks bones, jaw bone, chin etc the list goes on then maybe they need to take a look at themselves cuz they ain't so perfect either.
Besides most of it isn't even what men are saying its just fucking idiots from the press trying to make money out of poor young girls suffering from eating disorders!
I just feel so sad that this sort of life style is glamourised, sex at the age off 11, drink, drugs, smoking younger and younger, anarexia, bulimia, surgery. I mean jesus is this really the kind of world we want to live in? It may not hit us youngens now but its the long term affects that have no cures for when your say in your 40s that worries me. What sort of world are we going to hand down to our little ones? This is bullshit!
Fuck this I'm throbbing like mad and I'm passionatly angry, I'm going to bed!
Peace out

Thursday, 9 June 2011

she takes just like a woman, she makes love just like a woman, she aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl...

Ha amazing how right Bob Dylan is with that song is. I can't speak for all woman but do you ever get to that point where you literally can't hold it together anymore, usually its one small thing that makes you reach the end of your teather and then you break, you cry, shake, feel angry, sad, frusterated and most of all hopeless (yes guys it is possible to feel more than one feeling at once). Its funny everytime I have a nervous break down I always think about childhood and love. I find it so hard to put my feelings aside. Sometimes when I'm out and about and I see mothers with their children, feeding them crap and basically shouting at them for no reason. It gets me thinking to how exactly is that child going to grow up to be.
They're hardly going to grow up to be happy young adults.

Oh fucking hell mums in the living room having a discussion with Becca about me and where I'm going to live I wish they would fuck off really. It's like I'm a fucking adult, so what I'm going to be homeless, it ain't that fucking bad, you know it ain't like someones told me I've got a brain tumor and only have a month to live you know. It's not like it'll be forever maybe only a few weeks. If I go down the beach under the pier no-one will even know that I'm homeless!
I don't expect people to put me up, I'm not their problem I'm 22 years fucking old it irritates me the way people keep telling me that I can't be homeless, why not! I'm not even scared anymore, a few years ago then yeah maybe but now fuck it whats a few months roughing it!
I actually think I'm going to go to bed in a minute I can't deal with people trying to control my life!
Besides I know what people think of me, half of it is bullshit but whatever obviously even me mates are getting tired of me, maybe thats why no-one bothers to contact me anymore. to be honest I don't care, after all if me mates don't want me when I'm on the ground and need of help then fuck it they don't deserve me when I'm sorted and happy!
Life is bollox anyhow, however you look at it we're all heading the same way... DEATH!
So lets just hit the bottle, drink up and hope it goes a hell of a lot faster.

Peace out again ....

When life takes a turn for the worse...

I'm going fucking insane. (yes more than usual). I ended up going to A & E with mum tuesday night, after throwing up my dinner (lush) and my whole face throbbing imensley, I can't even begin to explain the agony of having a wisdom tooth out. All I'm going to say is just don't have it out to begin with its fucking horrific.
Maybe if I didn't have to move house in 5 days it wouldn't have been so bad, but I do, and it is.
I'm quite ready to strangle Becca too, she keeps talking to me even though I've told her about 6000 times it hurts to talk. And then all the irritating questions like I went into the toilet and she started giving me the 3rd degree about how I should put the toilet seat down when I flush it something to do with it being more hygenic (can I scream yet). Then I come out and shes all like you didn't flush the loo and I was like I didn't go to the toilet and she's like what was you doing in there then? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't even go into the toilet without being questioned. I swear shes so heavy footed too and shes up and down up and down every 5 minutes waffelling on about one thing or another. Eventually she went out and I got some peace and quiet.

I threw up countless amounts of times yesterday wahooooooooooo I'm getting well skinny!!
Although I am unbelivably fed fucking up with being totally uncapable of doing anything. I am praying to get better. Jesus I've hardly doen any packing, I don't even know where I'm dumping my stuff, seeing as from tuesday onwards I'm officially homeless.

On the plus side me new publisher got in touch today. I rung her back and said I'd ring her back in a few days when I was actually capable of having a conversation where people can actually understand what I'm saying, I swear at the moment I just keep having a load of dribble come out when I talk and I sound like a totally idiot.
Ah man I look so attractive! (NOT). Hairy fucking legs, hairy smelly pits, hair that I haven't even attempted to brush since monday I think. I have cleaned my teeth so at least my breath don't stink as for makeup though... totally non existant. I still need to pay my bleeding phonebill too! Not over due till 16th so shall wait till I can speak like a normal human again...

Fuck this I should be out causing drama not stuck in like a little old lady!
Fuck this shit I'm going to watch more crap T.V cuz since I've had my wankering tooth yanked out thats all I seem capable of oh the fucking joys, Man don't you wish you was living my life right now! NOT!

Do not fear, I will make up for it as soon as my fucking face goes down and stops throbbing GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

Peace out me follwers
Love love love

Monday, 6 June 2011

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

Well not completly sure a bout that it's probabally going to start again soon. But hey what the hell do I give a fuck I'm sitting in my pj bottoms, strappy top, pink hoody, mums dressing gown, slippers and my hot pink pashmina wrapped around my head!
Yes I am aware that it's half past five in the afternoon. Then again if you'd had your wisdom tooth yanked out of your mouth a few hours ago you probabally wouldn't feel like going out either. I am severe agony and to make it all worse (as if that isn't bad enough), I am not allowed to smoke for a whole fucking week its been 5 hours so far and I'm virtually pulling my hair out!
Oh not to mention I can't even feed off my addiction of chocolate to cover the fact that I can't smoke because I can't open my fucking mouth!
Oh and of course the fact that I am homeless in 8 fucking days really is the fucking icing on top of the cake!
So even with the fact that all those things are stressful to the limit I've been doing some thinking (I know right I am extremly multi talented to have to cope with all that shit and still have the paients and abilty to think). I'm just too damn clever for my own good sometimes ;-).
So you want to know what I was thinking?
Tough you don't get a choice I'm going to tell you anyhow.
I was thinking firstly I want to join a singing/ dancing/ acting group so I can be on stage again, I need to start boosting my confidence in a healthy way.
Then I got to thinking about people (oh yes I love, love, love to phyco analyse). I started thinking about all the people that have given me shit and treated me like I'm dirt and spoke to me (or even better behind my fucking back YES I WILL FUCKING FIND OUT TWATS) like I'm the size of an ant and then I started to think about all the people that have ever treated me like that and thinking do I honestly give a flying fuck about what silly little girls and boys think of me really? The answer is no of course not and in my own fucking right, I'm going somewhere in life the only places people like that are going is 6 feet under so for all them people I'd like to say byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm not going to let people like that even fucking make my eyes flicker NOT EVEN WORTH MY BREATH!
Any how enough of that I got to thinking about men, and yes at work yesterday there was this extremley gawjuss guy who was wearing army uniform with my favourite name too (Ben for those of you who didn't know). Didn't ask for his number, I think there was a little bit of cheeky flirting going on there though, on his behalf of course, not mine, would I do a thing like that?? LOL!!
Went to meet the gawjuss Emma for a quiet drink saturday night too and we wasn't out for hours I just wanted to see her and she kept saying that there was guys checking me out and a couple guys sort of come talk to us but I honestly wasn't interested like after Terry and all the other fuck wits i've shamelessly slept with I just thought whats the fucking point.
Like when I'm on my own I'm where I want to be, I can do what I want to do. As soon as I sleep with a guy and then start seeing him, it changes everything so fuck em, I'm all about me and my mates from now on having a laugh and doing the things that I planned to do.
After Chris should never have considered dating/sleeping with a man for at least a year. Hey ho we only humans!
Not even sure why I was so hung up on Terry in the 1st place he can't even spell his own name, maybe cuz I didn't want anyone else to have him but honestly if he wants to go out with a woman in her 50s then whatever no skin off my nose. (or I think the other alternative was with some girl that never leaves the house and crys all the time). Jesus if thats what marriage does to you then I think I'll pass!
Ohhhh I'm going to get a boob job too, a little treat to myself me thinkies, I'm too hard on myself!
Fuck it my minds gone blank! I believe this is what they call writters block!
Well I'm here till bleeding thursday and acception of going to the counsil with mother tomo I have no plans to leave the house so I'll have plenty of time to update you with my mela dramaz.

Peace out and
love love love

Thursday, 2 June 2011

"Do something really clever that will make me hate your name forever"

Well Terry well and truely did that, I do hate his name forever! Afterall thats what I wanted him to do anyhow wasn't it.
As I lay in the hospital bed feeling confused and anxious it really struck me what a prick he really is an how he honestly only does care about himself and he's so wrapped up in himself. I don't think I've met a guy like Terry before.. although I guess if I think about it I know I have. I can't beleive he even questioned that I took the overdose because of him. He has absolutly no idea the 1st thing about me and he doesn't get me at all.
The fucking mental health nurse was so fucking patranising too she didn't get me at all sitting there dulled up to the nines, I just thought yeah alright love you sit here and write shitty little notes about me but you'll never fucking understand what I'm going through probabally on her 30 grand a year salary. Why should she give a shit about me?

Why should anyone give a shit about me?
I came back today when they finally discharged me to find out everything was left how I must have left it. All the washing up on the side next to the sink, the bottle of Dr pepper on the table, the tinned peaches and tinned tomatos on the work surfice. The cerial and cakes on the other work surfice. The empty packet of pills next to the coke on the table and my crap dumped on mums bed.
So they let me go. Smart move, they're questioning whether I'll try it again. Well maybe not to tonight but hey the mess is still all here nothings changed I still don't want to carry on why can't anyone fucking understand that!?

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

"A room full of people, when Mr lonley comes sits next to me, and it makes me sad to realise that unlike you he won't ever leave"

My breathing started getting heavier, my eyes started to prick, I gulped back the tears. The idea of having to feel anything is beggining to terrify me! Although if I honestly think about it, I am feeling absolutly terrified anyhow.
I want so badly to keep things together bit I just can't anymore.
As I sit on the sofa the sound of the tele and the buzzing from the computer sound so distant.
I'm wearing Terrys clothes, his trousers and jumper, and as I wrap my arms around myself I could almost convince myself there's someone there holding me, telling me not to kill myself. Not to fall apart and that I'm not a bad person and that things will be OK.

Then something clicks inside of me and I realise here I am alone, sitting in my mums house whilst her and Becca are in Dublin and I'm just completly alone.
I can't hold myself together anymore. I feel like I've just lost it completly and I don't know what to fucking do!
I could sit here all night typing away how I feel as I shake and cry alone but whats the point any more. Whats the fucking point of life anymore. Maybe Diesel did have to right idea afterall.
I think who would even fucking notice if I wasn't around anymore and would any one really care anyhow. People just think about themselves. When Diesel died I wasn't thinking about him and what it was like for him.
I was thinking about myself. I can't take anymore everyone around me has their lives sorted anyhow I'm just a burden on the world!

I'm sorry I just can't take anymore!!