Sunday, 31 July 2011

and thats when it blew up in my face...

and there we have it another failed relationship!
What can I say I just I feel like.. ok how to I put this without sounding like a total bitch?
...I am a total bitch so fuck it. You know like when people have an okish job and a flat or whatever and they're say in their early 20s and they plan to have a child with their "long term boyfriend"/ fiance! Well I always feel like there's got to be more to life than just having an Okish job and a bunch of kids. Well thats kind of how I feel with guys. I just feel like there's got to be more to men than what there is.
So your wondering why me and Beau broke up? I'll tel you why ...
I haven't met anyone as big as a wind up merchant as Beau since I left school. He drove me mad. It just was like this constant obsession to see how far he could push me before I either cried, wanted to kill him or hit the bottle. Not exactly a great start to a healthy relationship.
It wasn't just that I guess I felt like he was completly incapable of being sensitve towards my feelings. Using what I'd told him against me. (Yes OK so maybe I shouldn't tell guys everything so quickly but thats no exscuse). For example going on and on about how many people I'd slept with like it was some sort of crazy fixation or something past is past. Let it go. His paranoia that I was going to cheat on him (OK so in the past I may have cheated but 1st time I was 16 hello and 2nd time was Chris so need I say any more). Oh and he was always on at me for supposedly looking at girls...
He used me once upon a time being a hooker against me, which actually is none of his damn business and no one has a right to judge me!
When I started getting really bad anxiety about my ex Diesel who killed himself instead of trying to be understanding he just kept telling me to snap out of it!
I really can't be bothered to go on. You get the jist of it..
Any how I left the hotel at 5.30am and sat in Mac Donalds till 8am when the bus came to take me back to Brighton. He did offer to let me stay until the 1st bus came after he'd pushed me well over my limit, by this point I was so frustrated, pissed off and bitter the idea of spending another minute with him felt like torture and for all of you know me and know how much I despise Mac Donalds must understand how bad it would have been for me to chose sitting in there for 2.5 hours as oppossed to spend another minute with him.
So am I sad? To be honest I'm kind of relieved he wasn't making me happy, I certainly wasn't making him happy and all we did was argue!
Thinking about becoming a swinger. Getting a vagazzle, can't wait for me celabacy to be over! I think I got about 6 more weeks! Thank fuck!
Any how I'm exauasted so should proabablly go, a night of sex in the city tonight me thinks...

Sunday, 24 July 2011

A whole new world...

Wow 11 days of no show is an extremly long time in the world of princess Elle, since I've last written Becca and Iain have had about ten thousand arguments, I've been dumped once, asked out twice, Amy Winehouse has died, 91 people in Norway got shot by some nutter, I am actually going to do my beauty therapy course, I haven't smoked in 7 weeks tomo, I haven't drunk in 6 weeks thursday, I've been celibate 5 weeks today and I am no longer single, get me in one week and 4 days mental or what...
So I have been running around like a blue arsed fly; swimming, getting to appointments, working, doing me co-counselling and attempting to see mates but sometimes wondering where the hours in the day have gone.
So your wondering who dumped me? Well that was Craig, I wouldn't really have called him my boyfriend just another prick to add to the list really, besides he wasn't even that cute, I'm better!
Any how so you want to know who me man is yes?
Well he's called Beau (for the weirdos out there who don't know it means beautiful in french). And bless him he really is.
I met him online begrugingly because I was coming to litrally the very end of my teather with men until I met Beau!
He lives in Ascott and I have absolutly no idea where that is because my geography is appauling but according to him it's about an hour and half drive away!
So he came to pick me up friday evening and we booked into the Lansdowne Place hotel which was totally cosmopolitan! I'd previously made reservations at La tascas so we got a taxi there and the food was amazing as ever, fuck I love food too much for this stupid diet bullshit (although I am still going to aim towards being a skinny mini).
We went back to the hotel for cocktails after dinner was a totally amazing night...
Yeah I know what your questioning but sorry to disapoint you but read up... 5 WEEKS CELIBATE... no I didn't slip up I still haven't had sex, trust me come september the wait will be well worth it!
So acception of a few hiccups all in all it was a lovely weekend I didn't want Beau to leave but I know that good things come to those who wait and besides I've only got to wait 6 more days before I see him again and if you saw how packed my diary is you'll understand how one week roles into the next week without a blink of an eye seriously before I know it I'm going to be 40 years old with bunions the size of Africa .. (actually they already are the size of Africa) the size of Jupiter and a great big bum and tits that reach so low even the devil can have a fucking grope, fuck me thats really depressing!
Oh and one more thing please don't tell me I'm putting all my eggs into one basket because for one I'm fed up with expressions, for two that expressions is completly over rated and for 3 I don't have any eggs so blurgh!

I love the way everytime I seem to have good news my family can't just be like "do you know what Elle that's really good" instead they have to start ranting on about some shit and then I just want to scratch their eyes out!
It would just be nice if for once every one could just support me on my decision and trust my judgment (this isn't actually refereing to my new man, but thats probabally why I haven't told mum yet cuz I can already hear her voice ringing in my ear) I was actually refering to my courses that I start in a month and a week! Wow don't you just love being supported!

Any how thats all for now I'm tired and severly craving chocolate, ta ta for now!

Peace and love to my faithful followers

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Manic lows and a whole lot of pain..

I crashed last night. It wasn't just one thing. I had meant to be going out with Jess but she had to work and re aranged it for tonight instead. Which meant I was here (at mums) I don't want to be here at all. After mun decided she's going to kick me out I don't want to be around her.

Anyhows it's been 5 weeks and 2 days without a ciggerette, 3 weeks and 6 days sober and 2 weeks 3 days celibate. I can assure you it ain't easy and all I do is eat. My eatings sort of out of control at the moment. Its seems that I can't stop.
I've got loads of thigns to do today and the idea of doing them makes me feel shaken to the bone. I sslashed up my arm last night and today I feel guilty ick and tired!

I feel the agraphobia kicking in which means I definitly need to do what I had planned for today because otherwise it'll get worse.
I'm meant to be going for a swim in the next half hour before it gets busy, then to come back here for abit and then be in Newhaven for 3pm for Tia Chi till 5pm and then back here (to mums) to then meet Jess and 8pm. That involves getting 8 buses today.. that is not cool.
But hey if I just take one step at a time. Like make it to the pool and then getting to newhaven, I just need to stop thinking so flippin' much.
I feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!
So what else is going on? What besides that fact that I'm going to be homeless??
Well I ended things with Jimmy... actually to be honest I didn't I just didn't contact him again, but then he didn't contact me either so there you go..
I dunno there was no chemistry and ... fuck have I already said all this in my last blog???
Okies whatever...
So I've started seeing this guy Craig, I ain't giving too much away but I do really like him and I'm praying that I don't fuck this one up and I'm terified that I'm going to, just for once please send some luck my way I'll be good forever I promise.
I'm sorry for slashing up me arms, its just sometimes it just gets too much...
Okies I should probablly go.
I am in agony my tooth still hurts, I've got a mouth ulcer the size of jupiter and the antibiotics has given me thrush from hell OH JOYS!!!

Peace out

Thursday, 7 July 2011


So I got off the bus (or rather clomped down the stairs in me amazing boots), Stomped off in rage and as I walked down the hill heading towards mums house I pulled off my 1st boot and threw it at the nearest car window, then as I continued to stomp down in rage I pulled off the other boot and threw it as hard as I could not giving to fucks where it landed!
I then puled out my stupid bumpit and hair grips and just threw them, after that I tore off my gawjuss lepord print dress stamped on it and spat on it, then I dug all my nails into my cheeks and scrapped downwards so it looks like I've been scratched by a wild cat and I'm screaming as well with rage whilst doing all this. Then I see this guy and he's looking at me and I'm just so fucking mad I just go up to him and start punching him over and over again and kicking him and just screaming... Hmmm and I wondered why they sectioned me...

Ok ok that didn't happen, but in my head thats what I could see happening, and whats the point of writting what really happened. I sat on the bus thinking about all the guys that have used and abused me, Luke, Terry, Chris, Ian, Marc, Aaron etc and think about each one and I could feel tears prick up in my eyes, but crying in a public place (especially the bus where there's no where to hide) is embarrassing at the best of times, even more so when your done up to the nines, the risk of make up running everywhere and looking like you've been beaten up is not a good look!
So I waited till I got in, collapsed onto the sofa and cried.

Yes I am due on so my hormones are higher than usual but I'm through with it, I'm through with men! How the fuck are we confusing? Seriosuly WHAT THE FUCK DO MEN ACTUALLY WANT!? Will someone actually tell me please. Right I've been nice, I've spent hours getting ready, constantly looking immaculate, I've been a bitch to men, I've given them sex even when I'm not really in the mood or I'm tired, I've made paintings for men, I've been smart, I've been stupid, I've made them food and I'm talking good food, I've texted and rung alot, I've played it cool with the texting and ringing!
Do you know what I don't even care anymore I'm actually done with men, fuck them, fuck the lot of them, they can go stick their fucking cocks up and fucking horses bum hole cuz I am fuckign done, done, done!
You know I'm too good for all this bollocks, I'm a smart girl and I'm fed up with guys consistantly throwing all my kindness back in my face so from now on its about me, myself and I... Course me mates and family too!
As far as men are concerned your all shit!
2.5 hours sunday night I spent getting ready and 2 tonight for what... "you look nice"!!!
NICE, NICE, FUCKING NICE, will someone tell me what I'm meant to do with nice!!!??? I am none other than cosmopolitan and I am fucking fed up with men (sorry boys) and their constant whinning, and talking talking talking...
"Oh hurry up", "whats taking you so long", blah dee blah dee blah right girls we've all heard it well heres a thought, unlike you disgusting little rats aka boys we actually like to take pride in out apperance and if we went out in jeans and trainers, without any make up or without brushing our hair, cleaning our teeth or putting on a nice scent we'd never hear the fucking end of it so heres an idea GO FUCK YOURSELVES, OR A HORSES BUM, BUT DEFINITLY NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen I'm really sorry if this offends anyone. I ain't aiming it at all men but you all know what I'm like by now...

Peace out
love, love, love

Friday, 1 July 2011

He had it coming, he had it coming he only had himself to blame..

Man why is everyone so fucked up about sex?
Seriously, at 11.30am on the show "this morning" they're already talking about sex I mean jesus christ this is not what I want to wake up to.
I know what you might be thinking, my sister (becca) said to me yesterday "jesus Elle not everyone has sex on the brain". God damn it I do have sex on the brain. Its hardly a suprise though every where I look its basically in my face!!
So last night I was pretty wasted, I only had 3 double vodkas and cokes, which is I suppose an eqivalant to 6 vodka and cokes and for someone who doesn't drink is quite alot.
Anyhow I've decided thats it now. Time to get sober again, I can't keep doing this! I keep just going from my addiction to sex, then back to m addiction of alcohol and both together is just a great big no go area!!
It feels like if I can't get my sex fix then I go get my fix from drink.
So heres an idea, give up drinking and give up sex.
It sounds hard but wasn't it me who said I want to live a life without addiction?
So heres my plan ...
I've gone 3.5 years without a sip of alcohol and then another 6 months so I can do it, I've proved to myself I can do it!
Obviously I'm not going to never have sex again so heres my plan on the sex front.
I last had sex sunday so from sunday I need to count 3 months (or 12 weeks) and then I can go get a check up at the clinic to for an HIV test from when I slept with Terry and from the guy I shagged sunday and a screen test from the guy I slept with sunday. So basically my plan is to not have sex until that date!
For the average single person this would be relativly easy, me being the not average girl its going to prove extremly difficult especially if I meet someone. But then if I do meet someone if they like me enough they'll wait and if not they ain't worth it any how.
I've gone 7 months before so 3 months or just under) should be a doddle!!
Okies there we have it plan...
Think I might see if I can start over with Craig, go on a date (and no going to Mac donalds at 2am does not count as a date).
So yeah start again give it ago before just writting it off.
Any how 1.30pm... Need to be in Brighton for 3pm and still in my pjs so should probabally leave now.
Staying at Jakes tonight as my mother is kindly kicking me out for the weekend as my auntie's down oh joys.
Meh !!!!!!!
Peace out