Saturday, 27 November 2010

Attempting to start over again...

So here I am at me sisters place with my gorgeous little nephew how the fuck could I ever consider killing myself when I've got him!
That's right 2 nights ago I took another overdose, shit loads of different pills and I was admitted to hospital, I threw up a hell of a lot and spent most of the night in and out of conscience. I was alone and I felt alone and it made me think a lot a bout life when I came out.

Life really is too short I need to get the fuck out of Hove. As for going back on the game I just can't do it, my head is so fucked up I think if I go back on it I'll just end up being even more messed up. I feel bad for messing around my agent but I didn't know I would feel like this!

So Chris got a new girlfriend and I guess like I should be mad but actually I'm surprisingly OK about it. Like if I think a bout it's a good thing because now I won't be going back to him. It's not like anything would have ever changed between me and Chris. He would have just carried on treating me like shit and I just would have let him cuz that's what I'm like. He's an alcoholic too and I don't know if he'll ever change, but hey in 2 weeks 5 days I'll never no cuz I'll be gone forever!!

Any how I've decided to throw myself back out there and go on a date. So maybe it will go some where and maybe it won't but at least I'm trying!!

Any how that's all for now!

Peace out

Friday, 26 November 2010

Stuck in a rut

I don't even know what to say.

I feel empty and numb. I feel anxious and scared.
I don't want to be alone any more. Yet at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship either!
I feel disorientated I'm not sure if that's from the overdose I took last night or if it's just the feeling of hopelessness either way I feel crap.

I don't think there's any more that I can write really!

Peace and love

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

My fabulous fucked up family!

Title says it all really!
Don't you just love the way that families are meant to pull together when things are tough, but hey I've always known my family is totally fucked up!
I mean the older I get the less I see of me cousins and aunties and uncles etc so I guess it's fair enough that they don't really want anything to do with me but as far as immediate family goes the only one that's really actually bothered giving a shit a bout me is my sis (Jax) and even she's decided that I'm trying to guilt trip her into giving me money!

It's so fucking shit I just need that money and then I can finally fuck off and get away from all the shit here in Hove!!
Seriously mum's decided she ain't even going to respond to my texts any more and just delete them when she receives them well fuck that shit, she can forget me spending Christmas with her this year acting like that it's proper pathetic!
Whatever I don't need her any how all I get is told off a bout who I see, what I do and who I sleep with which is my choice!
A bout time she realized that I'm an adult and what I do is my choice.
So fuck it. Sent the letter to dad yesterday, he should receive it tomo.
Can't wait to see his reaction to the whole truth. Oh well a bout time a few truths were told.
It ain't like he's going to have some sort of Epiphany and step up to the mark of being a dad even if doesn't know what to do!
He'll probably disown me, my family seem to be good at doing that when things are tough!!
Oh well it isn't exactly like I'll be missing much if he does!

At least I got me mates, I actually think if it wasn't for my mates I'd be dead by now!

Got slightly addicted to watching sugar rush at the moment, I've watched it excessively over and over, but hey gives me something to do seeing as I'm stuck in Hove because until I get money (which feels like will be never at this rate) I haven't even got a bus ticket so I'm pretty much stuck either indoors or out doors attempting to scav ciggies from passer bys and money to buy food!
Oh happy fucking days. Oh not to mention I've run out of deodorant and I've run out of foundation too so I look like shit permanently!

This is actually making me feel worse, wish I'd never started this. I feel even worse writing it down, just reminds me of how my so called family have once again rejected me, ha is it any surprise I end up with guys like Chris!

Someone do me a fucking favor and just shoot me would ya!!!

Peace out to me mates and as for the rest of u go fuck ya selves! (directed at my so called "family").

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Bring me back

Do you know what I've been so wrapped up in Chris and Ian I've been missing all the great things a round me and things are going to get better.
Yes my head is fucked but I have this sort of feeling that something good will happen, makes a change considering I normally thing the worst out of everything.
I just know that once I move it'll be OK like.
I'll be away from Chris and Ian and all of their lot and no one (except me mates) will know where I live and I've changed me number now too!
I've got less than 4 weeks less now till I can move (thank fuck).
Time will go quick, I was thinking the other day back to the 1st time I met Chris and honestly I can't remember hmmm let me look it up!!
August I can't put my finger on a specific date but roughly the middle of August which means I've known him a bout 3 months, Wow it feels like a lot longer, maybe that's cuz I'm unemployed and so much shit has happened!
Fuck it less than 4 weeks now and I'm gone and then I can finally start getting me life back on track!!
I'm watching Sugar Rush at the moment lol! What a life. Seriously right Kim has an obsession with Sugar her best mate, her mum's a alcoholic slag and her dad well he's just a right goody two shoes.
Fucking hell my specialty fucked up families and fucked up relationships!
Becca managed to sort it out and get with Ian, Jax managed to sort it out and get with Nick, so I have a chance and every time I walk away from Chris I get that little bit stronger and every day I become a little bit more aware (exception of yesterday when I had a drink)! Stupid I know but I'm not slipping back into my old ways and I am going to get stronger.
One step at a time!
I can't function at the moment.
I'll write soon when I know a little bit more ....

Thursday, 18 November 2010

In bed with the flu :(

God it is soooooo shit being ill! It was sort of inevitable I have used and abused my body so much in the last couple of months I'm lucky that I haven't got anything till now.

I just hate the fact that being ill means you have to stop, you can't keep running around all over the place like a crazy person. Not to mention when I stop I crash.
It's like if i stop to take a breath everything hits me!

All the shit that's happened over the last few months hits me and I can't cope.
I just feel so alone and I know I've got great mates and stuff but when I'm ill I'm just home alone and I'm never allowed any one round because me flat mate hates every one and doesn't like me having people round so even tho I'm ill I'm going to have to go out! Happy days!

God I can't wait to move out of Hove I hate living here.

Not to mention I've got to write a letter to me dad and I'm dreading it.

God I really do hate my fucking life, I wish so much I had to guts to end it all.
Just the idea of making it through tomo makes me feel exhausted I just feel like I don't want to have to carry on everything's just too much!
I can't function at the moment so maybe I'll just leave it there for now and just write again when I don't feel so much like death!!!

peace xx

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Fucked up...

Yeah it is fucked up, so much is so fucking fucked up.
I've got a mix of feelings today, part of me feels angry, part of me feels sad and there's also a part of me that has a sense of relief and a feeling of being strong.

I was flicking through a magazine yesterday in the young peoples Center with me mate Tanya and it made me so cross just every page was an insult to celebrities that have gained weight or are having a bit of a bad hair day or there's a peak of cellulite on display.
If isn't that then it's some crap like should Lindsey Lohan have gone to prison?! I mean it's fucked up just because she's famous if you commit a crime it doesn't matter who you are you should get the same punishment and that's that.
At the end of the day that sums it up really we are from living in a world of equality and as far as sexism goes it's sky high!
I say bullshit. I will not be dragged down with it!

Any how I slipped again, I slept with Chris 2 days ago. He was sober (for like the 1st time ever) and it was like the Chris that I wanted, no accusations, no violence, no bullying, we just sat and cuddled and we actually had a normal conversation and no rows.
I knew then that, that was the real Chris and that was the Chris I wanted to be with. But hey nothing lasts forever and at a bout 1.30am he was drunk again and it was back to the way it always was.
The abusiveness, the accusations and the bullshit.
I can honestly say now that's it. I saw a glimpse of the Chris I wanted but a few hours later he was gone and I know deep down he ain't coming back and I refuse to live my life praying and hoping one day that Chris will come back and stay.
So there we go I haven't rung him, I haven't text him, I've blanked him when I saw him 3 times yesterday and I know that it has to be over for good this time!

I'm hopefully viewing a flat later in New haven, it's all starting to feel real now I'm going to move away and get better. Get away from the chaos!
Oh it gets better Emma (as in Carl and Emma) has decided to start threatening me lol bullshit.
I can see with all these people they've all got one thing in common, they're all addicts and as for her she's addicted to Heroin and she speaks so much shit it's just ridiculous.
I know no that the only people out of all of them when I move that I'm going to stay in touch with when I'm gone is Lisa and Ian cuz they're the only 2 that are actually nice people and don't chat shit!
Any how will update more later because got to shoot out!

Mucho loving!!

Thursday, 11 November 2010

The early hours of friday! Learning to be strong!

So it's 4am and I just got in from clubbing.
Well most people who go clubbing would probably just go home to sleep but hey I'm not most people and I'm not pissed obviously!
So here I am day 2 of no sex! Day 1 of not having seen Chris.
It isn't easy but I did what I wanted to do today, I bought some beads and stuff and started making my jewelery, then I started my Monet drawing and started my 2nd painting.
I met up with Tom and his mates for drinks then went to Oceania clubbing with Emma and Ellie.
Tom decided to come there too a bit later which I knew wouldn't be a good idea.
He was clearly really drunk and he was just being a bit of a dick.
However I took the high ground I had 2 options I could have stood there and had a massive row with him and cause a massive drama and probably end up getting kicked out or walk away and go and dance with me mates and have fun! You know that's exactly what I did.
I walked away!
I'm through with all the bullshit.
I think slowly I'm beginning to believe that I am better than this and I don't deserve to be treated like shit!
So you want to know a bout the Chris situation...
Well I wish I could say I hadn't spoke to him but I had. In fact I thought it was a bout time he knew what it was like to be left waiting! So I rung him and said I was going to come over (even though I had no intention of doing so).
So I rung him when I left me pad to go meet Tom and the boys to say I was on me way and that I'd be there in 10 mins or so.
Well I never got a call or a text (mind you I have blocked his number). So I went out with him sitting at home thinking I was going to go round. Bullshit.
See 2 can play at that game.
I'm not going back to Chris I'm not sure how many times I've said that but this time I mean it.
I know the more time that goes by the easier it'll get.
At the moment it feels so hard cuz it's only been like 1 day without seeing him but I'm determined to get better!

Ellie and her ex boyfriend of 2 years was having plenty of dramas in the club and I suppose it's weird to think that to other people that's how my dramas probably come across, it's weird because very rarely is there a drama that I'm not involved in and tonight there was and it felt good for it not to be one of mine!

My new productive optimistic outlook in life (well not quite but I'll get there in time).
I know that there's still so much shit I gotta do but tell you what I'll stop at nothing, I will get there!
Peace out.
Love love love

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Going cold Turkey!

So here I am, at home, in bed alone.
You know it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would, don't get me wrong I am craving sex and love like mad but it just doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would!
So Chris got let off on bail (again) and as usual I went crawling back to him as always.
Any how he treats me like shit and after I went round to Phil's tonight and he just completely ignored me.
So as I walked away from there I felt cross, I felt like crying but most of all the thoughts going through my head were that's it!
I mean it I don't want to live a life like this any more.
I've got a sponser now through SLAA and I know that I can get through this and I will!
I know it's going to be so fucking hard.
I've re blocked his number and blocked all texts from him and I know that I just need to be strong.
I know that I don't deserve to be treated like this and I know I don't want to be living a life like this.
So as the tittle says I'm going "cold turkey"!
I am so aware this is not going to be an easy ride but I need distractions, I need things in my life to stop me thinking.
So tomo I'm going to do some art, reading and colouring, I'm going out with Tom in the evening and his mates so that gets me away for a bit!
I've got to meet Kate Friday and see nan and then I'm going out with Alex Friday evening.
That's what I need distractions. I know that with addictions the 1st 48 hours are the hardest but I'll do it.
If i can just get through 48 hours with no contact I'll start to feel a lot better!
I'm just fucking praying for any one to get me out of this mess.
I'm up to my eye balls in debt!
I don't want to go back on the game but I don't think I have much of a choice cuz I'm so skinto and I just can't afford to eat or pay me bills or swim or pay for me art stuff or anything!
I don't want to but hey beggars can't be choosers!
Peace out
love love love

Monday, 8 November 2010

for better, for worse, for love and for hate, for life or death.

Why do I have to have the worst fucking taste in men!
Chris got arrested yesterday for smashing up a shop or something like that. He hasn't been released and he's due in court tomo which I'm guessing he's going to get sentenced.
Now this is the really fucked up part. I've been saying for months I want him to go to jail and it's like now that it's actually happening it's as if I feel like how will I cope. Partly because he's my addiction and I just feel like how will I cope without him to feed off anymore.
I suppose deep down I know that if he goes down for at least 3 months I'll be gone (moved out of Hove) and I'll probably never see him again. I know that's for the best but there's still that little part of me that feels disappointed.
I know there's nothing else I could have done, but I just wanted so much to get him off the drink and I'd been trying to sort him out for months and I knew it wasn't going to happen deep down, but there's still that part of me that feels ashamed of myself for not doing more, even though I know really there wasn't anything more I could do.
It's just my fucked up patterns.
I know I'll get through this I just have to be strong and keep fighting to get well.
It's just tough because even though Chris was pretty much one of the worst boyfriends I ever had, there's still the good times that we had together. There wasn't many but just little things, like the way he used to really cuddle me when I cried, and the way he'd hold my hand.
The one time that will just not leave my head is that time he begged me for a bout 4/5 hours to take him back round Phil's and I just sat there saying no fucking way and then eventually I cracked and I agreed to give him one last chance.
It was that night that we proper made love for the 1st time, it just felt so right it felt so real and alive. You know just the passionate kissing and the way he just looked into my eyes if only I could get that fucking look out of my fucking head.
Just the way he looked at me, I genuinely believed that night he truly loved me. We really did make love like I never have before.
Fuck him after that the sex just went back to the way it was before and I knew already that I'd lost him forever!
One of my weak points - letting go.
I wanted so much to get back to that place we went that night but I should have known it was a one off.
Part of me questions now whether Chris did ever really love me or if it was all just the need to feel loved and wanted.
I did love him, I was always at his beck and call, if you look at it really he just wanted a little woman who will be there when it's convenient for him!
God damn it why did I ever get involved, Gary would have never have done this to me!
Fuck it, not like I can do fuck all now.
It's over and as fucking hard as it's going to be I will get through this. After all I've got over Barney, Simon, Mark, Tony, Sean, Dan, Danny and you know the rest of the cunts who fucked my head up.
God I really do have the worst taste in men.
Right that's me done, I'm falling asleep!
Will re post again with more drama soon
Peace out!

Saturday, 6 November 2010

I will get there in the end!

Wow life really is a bitch,

as for Chris and his stupid little mate Ian they're pathetic, at least I can admit I have problems.
Any how at least Jax is there for me when I need her. I think to myself if it wasn't for her I'd been standing here dead.
Things are tough but I went to my sex and love addicts anonymous meeting today and I've been clean 6 days today. It's so hard you know when I'm sitting in bed alone at night and thoughts start running through my head and this stab of loneliness kicks in and my mind starts playing tricks on me.
I was thinking a couple of days ago a bout the promise I made to Charlie and how I promised him I'd stop dating and sleeping with all these stupid men because he said I was too good for all of them. I don't really have much self confidence and I won't deny that I'm insecure because I am.
I never thought I was one of them girls who goes out tarted up, with tonnes of make up on speaking loudly and flirting outrageously to get attention, but turns out I am one of them girls.
I don't want to be the girl that every one gets fed up with because she's constantly with the wrong man and lets him walk all over her.
That ain't me, not really. I used to be the girl who dated men with nice cars, flash jobs and who would take me out and pay for everything. I mean come on I'm the girl who used to drag men round the shops and bleed them dry.
The girl who never gave a shit a bout how many hearts I broke, and some how I've gone from one extreme to the other. I've started dating boys who like to drink and fight all day, boys who take everything and give nothing.
It's funny isn't it really Chris doesn't want me, he wants a convenience. He wants to see me when it's convenient for him, he wants sex when he wants it, he wants me to be his girlfriend but only on his terms.
There you go there's alarm bells going off in my head! Chris is exactly like my fucking father, the only difference is daddy didn't drink like a fish or beat people up. Personality wise though exactly the same. So what does that tell you!!!!
This is how it is, Chris dated Maria she was a lot older than him and she basically brain washed him into being what she wanted him to be and do what she wanted him to do and then of course when it all went tits up and she'd had enough of him she left him just like everyone who ever loved him has. So Chris ended up doing what every person would do who'd been in that situation.
He found someone younger than him and turned into her.
He knew all the controlling fucked up tricks because he was taught oh so well! I am nothing more to Chris than revenge and anger on his behalf. Except he pushed it too far because I'm not one of his crazy ex's who will just take shit loads of drugs, get pissed, have a baby and go stab someone.
When I get revenge it is sweet oh so fucking sweet!
And just like Chris I don't stop at nothing!!
I will update again soon. Got a few little things to sort out 1st!

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


By the title, for any stupid people I'm being irronic!
I am fed fucking up with people and their perfect fucking lives!
I am fed fucking up with people constantly judging me they can all just FUCK OFF!!
I don't actually mean that, I'm just so fucking mad right now!
I'm fucking furious with myself for constantly taking Chris back and for him to just let me down over and over a fucking gain, I don't even want him for fuck sake the only fucking reason I stay with him is cuz I don't want any one else to fucking have him, not that any one else would want him anyhow.
It's so hard for me to just walk the fuck away and I know that I have to.
I know nothings going to change and I don't fucking want it!
Sure when he's sober and we're alone he's sweet and it's great but I'm not going to fucking live for those fucking rare occasions. He's never going to fucking change and I'm done with it, I'm fucking exausted!
Ian wrote to me from prison yesterday, it's fucked up, I've been so besoted with Chris I forgot a bout Ian!
I just want to get the fuck away from all this, I want my fucking life back!
I'm fed up with everyone around me having fucking happy loved up relationships, it makes me feel physically sick when people walk a round all fucking smug, just FUCK OFF!

I'm fed fucking up with the amount of fucking questions people keep asking me, I don't want to answer any more fucking questions I just want to get fucking better!

Had a fight with Becca a bout her stupid hair straighters today, God I so wanted to get up and scream in her fucking face the way she just picks at every little thing. You know sometimes I think that I may be going mad. Today though I just felt angry and disgusted, shouting at me 1st thing in the morning for using her straightners without asking and then standing over me shouting at me, I swear sometimes I just wonder what goes round in her fucking head, I'm so close to the fucking edge and the more stressed I get the closer to the edge I get and funnily enough someone screaming at me for using their hairstraighners just makes me think fucking hell FUCK OFF!
Can't deal with this shit no more, not everyones living in a fucking loved up bubble like her and Ian, I know we'll never be the same but after all the shit I've been through I think to myself either she's just in denial or fucked up.
Well I ain't coming up mums no more cuz she stresses me out to the limit!
I'll have to find somewhere else to stay till I move to Newhaven.
My head is spinning and I feel like I need to do something dangourous to feel a live again!
I feel like I'm a dead person walking around waiting for someone to kill me!
When will I begin to feel fucking better again, when will I begin to feel alive again!
Peace out
love love love