Monday, 16 January 2012

Sorrow found me when I was young, sorrow waited, sorrow won, sorrow they put me on the pill, its in my honey, its in my milk.... I don't want to get o

..ver you.
Thats my song right now by the nationals.
I don't so much as feel numb, I think I don't feel very alive though, need adrenalyn and alcohol and drugs won't do it. Not even self harming, maybe going on a motor bike 150 MPH or getting a tattoo, something that makes me feel alive.
I must be really fucking nieve, got back with Chris Monday because after he said he was leaving I realised that I still wasn't 100% sure what I wanted but I knew I didn't want him to leave! Then I realised I loved him. Will I ever be on the same page as a man? I can't seem to ever get it right.
He dumped me today, through text! 24 his junior and I had the balls to do it in person WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FUCKING MEN, WHY CAN'T YOU GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND DO IT FACE TO FACE AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MEN, WOMAN HAVE GOT BIGGER BALLS THAN MEN ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad, or both.
He did it this morning, telling me some bullshit about me only wanting a part time relationship, yet he's the one who moved to Yorkshire!
I'm mystified I really am. You give men space you accuse them of only wanting to have a part time boyfriend. You don't always get to the phone or reply to a text straight away and we're "cheating". Yet you text them alot and want to see them alot and they accuse you of being crazy and needy. Man can I win?
No is the answer here. I don't want to just give up. I sat on the bus this morning and although it was busy I felt miles away, I have "big big world" playing by Emelia, and Bright eyes by whatsaface, song from watershipdown. any how I felt alone, even the woman sitting next to me got up and moved. I was trying so hard to swallow the tears. On the bus to me sisters I managed to distract myself with me book and for the rest of the day.
I then went and saw my mentor and she gave me lots of stuff to do and I was sitting thinking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk this is way too much work to do I thought thats what she was meant to be helping me with, anyhow so I came home and attempted to do it, getting more and more frustrated and then I cried and I kept on crying, I allowed my heart to break, or more to the point I accepted that my heart was broken, and that it is Diesels one year death anniversary and as usual I am running around trying to keep things together and fuck I fell apart, and I'm too ashamed to go to anyone so I just sit there alone with my arms hugging myself crying and its truly horrific that feeling where I swear I can actually feel my heart break!
You know think back to the blog that wrote just after I'd seen the phyciastrist you remember when I said he asked me "are you always terrified when in a relationship that he's going to leave you" do remember I wrote that and I said yes and he read me like a book. I've figured out why I feel like that its because they do. They all fucking leave me! I finally start to let my barriers down and let them in abit and start to feel the lonliness float away and then like a stab in the back they leave me and I'm alone again, like when I was little girl, this isn't a new feeling and if I can't even get my dad to stay then how can I get any man to stay and I want someone to stay and fight even when things get tough and no man ever does and, and is it so hard for someone to love me, am I that much of a unlovable person that someone doesn't want to stay and love me. I just go over and over in my head all the things he said and man after man, they seem to say all the right things but I'm beginning to realise they're just words empty words.
I'm sorry for being so morbid but my optimism has drowned.
Good night one and all, I hope your all safe tonight!

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