So feeling a little bit mixed feelings right now, part of me feels really let down by my family, and totally hopeless around relationships with them. Its now been 5 months that my dad hasn't spoken to me and part of me is just like fuck it, and then there's another part of me that sort of aches for some sort of sign of loving from him, but its hard because I know he'll never change and I've tried so hard but it's exausting trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly isn't bothered whether we have one or not!
So thats me Dad. I guess me mom isn't too bad we do fight quite alot but it tends to blow over in a couple days. I do feel like I'm always a huge disapointment to her though, like I got 87% on my skin care exam tuesday, and she said well done but I just know if it had of been Becca she probabally would have treated her to a meal or something and just sometimes feel like I try really hard to get some where and she never seems to reconise that, yet if I do something wrong she'll notice within a minute and have a fit at me. I guess its hard for her to realise that sometimes I really struggle to get out of bed so even just going for a swim is a big deal, and trying to take control of my health and mental health, it isn't like I'm not doing anything. I don't think she truly has any idea what a struggle I have to sometimes even leave the house, and the fight I have with the mirror every morning!
Then there's Becca, well I don't know what her problem is, it's like she watches me waiting for me to do something wrong. Its constant. It makes me feel so low, its like when I'm doing something sometimes usually when I'm cooking, she just stops and looks at me and I can feel her eyes on me you know that feeling. Its like shes watching and shes just waiting for me to do something wrong so she can start on me.
She can be such a bitch at times, always bringing up the fact that I don't pay any rent. It makes me want to cry, it isn't like I don't know that mum doesn't want me here, and sometimes I think all this shit isn't worth it, but if I leave I haven't got any where else to go! I saw a boy down London Road today when I was down there buying plums, I'm not sure how old he was as he had a hat on, which is pretty standard for this climiate any how, he was homeless in a sleeping bag, and I wanted to cry, I wish there was something I could have done. I walked up and down about 6 times contimplating talking to him, in the end though I just got on the bus because I didn't think it was a good idea, but if I leave that'll be me, and all my homeless mates have always said to me, Elle never be homeless, you'll end up on the drink and the gear with the matter of 3 weeks its the only way to get through the cold nights, they always said I had too much going for me to end up like that.
So guess I'll just stay for now.
Any how I did say only part of me felt like that.
There's another part of me that really is feeling hope right now.
I saw 2 boys at the old steine about 10pm and they were both eating mini chedders, they must have been between 14 and 17 (I'm a crap judge of age) any how I felt really hopefull seeing boys being their age it was refreshing seeing them eating mini chedders instead of drinking cans of beer/cider and smoking.
Feeling hopeful towards myself too, like my gums swelled up monday and so I rung the dentist and made an appointment for today, but even though thats something really small, its good I'm taking better care of myself. Staying away from guys like "Mr across the Road" and Chris, and guys that genrally I know are bad for me!
It was good to see the homepath tuesday too, I got to tell her everything that was going on, so she's given me a remedy that helps reduce swelling of the gums, helps with low mood/depression, good for helping you sleep and anxiety. I swear she's an angel, I'm still depressed but it has picked up a bit, I'm sleeping better, my anxiety is virtually non-existant, my gums have gone down (not completly back to normal but almost) and I'm beginning to be really on touch with what I want in relation to men and knowing when to say no and knowing when to back down so thats fab!!!
Finally figured out why I loved Tom, he wasn't like most guys and he definitly wasn't just after sex, infact he was probabally more mature and smarter than the majority of guys I've dated. Not just that though, Tom really got me, and as in my mind, like when we was playing the game of articulate in dartmoore, me Bradie and Tom was on one team, and then I think it was Emma, James, Alex and Ann-marie on the other team and everytime it was my time to describe Tom got it everytime, Ahhh memories.
Anyhow I'm not even dreading valentines day this year cuz I'm spending it with Rhea, I refussed to sit in my room whilst Bex and Iain get all lovie dovie, blurgh I want to vomit!
Mann I really miss being in love, I mean really in love *moment of fantasising*.
Turns out as long as your surrounded by love ones (in my case my mates) then life is awsome!! Heres to great friendships CHEERS!!
Any hows better finish me homemade plum crumple mmmm yummy, and hot custard and drag ma sorry little arse off to bed, Ally McBeal is waiting for me, and Misty (my teddy bear)!
Night all!
Mucho love and peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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