Friday, 2 March 2012

I'm broke, but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind, I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah. I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed....

..I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby. What it all comes down to, is that everythings going to be fine fine fine. Cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other ones giving a high five.
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid, I'm tired but I'm working, yeah. I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone, I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby.
What it all comes down to is everythings going to be quite alright, cuz I got one hand in my pocket, and the other ones flicking a cigarette.
What it all comes down to is I haven't got it all figured out just yet, cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.
I'm free but I'm focussed, I'm green but I'm wise, I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby. I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shit, I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.
And what it all boils down to is no one's really got it figured out just yet, I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends, yeah is everythings just fine fine fine. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is hailing a taxi cab.

Amazing song by Alanis Morissette. I swear most of her songs are my life, any how speaking of life, I suppose your all wondering whats been going on in mine. Well well well...

So I think in my last blog I was umming and ahhing about the homeless boy. I'm not sure if I'd actually started speaking to him by this point or not... anyhow, Joe (the homeless boy) and I ended up having a sort of relationship if thats what you can call it, but then come on we all knew it was going to happen, I'm drawn towards fucked up men/boys that I think I can help/fix, one of these days I'll learn that you CANNOT help someone who isn't willing to help himself.
Any how I'm very proud of myself on how I actually handled the whole relationship. Those are Keri's words really going into my head and I'm beginning to really listen and actually hear for once. (Keri is my phyciatric nurse). She told me all about boundaries in relationships and that I don't have to follow their rules as it were, I can just hold up me hands and say enough is enough and walk away, I'm the one that allows them to treat me the way they do! Also making decisions on what I tell me mom and what I chose to not tell her and I am an adult and its interally my choice!
So there we go I've really begun to understand what she meant with all that she said. Learning I don't have to do anything I don't want to do and learning to say no!
So I got into a sort of relationship with Joe, we was spending alot of time together, just me and him, hanging out, drinking coffee, (or in my case tea), talking, laughing, writing notes and genrally enjoying each others company.... Somehow though it all changed and I think it must have been when we both started getting a little bit too close, as in admitting to each other that we had feelings for each other that were stronger than say just friendship. As soon as you go from being mates with a boy/man to being "involved" as I say it all completly changes. At least for me this is how it is. I am more vunrable because Its like Joe suddenly became naked live wires, if I got too close I'd get and eletric shock, and maybe thats what it was like for him too. Anyhow once we sort had confessed we had feelings for each other (and in his case he confessed his undying love for me), in actual fact I can see that he didn't really love me at all, what he was in love with was the idea of me and him, but not so much me. I'm pretty sure in his head he had this fantasy image of what his life would be like if he sorted himself out, got a job and a house and I was his pretty little girlfriend on his arm, pretty and intellagent with plenty of wit, willpower and full of useful skills. So how do I know this... because I fantasise all the time, and its very hard to get a reality check when your a dreamer but even us piceas need a kick up the ass to reality sometimes!
I could feel myself nagging him more about drink and it bothereing me more when he did have a drink, getting more pissed off if he didn't ring when he said he would and started to trust him less and less. I guess it wasn't that I was trusting him less, I suppose it was just when you get "involved" its harder to just step back and see things as an outsider if you get me..
Hopefully this is making sense....
So everything was sort of OK, and I let him spend the night here one nigh (no I didn't sleep with him) wanted to go get tested before all that. Any how it was a really nice evening even though I didn't really trust him. He left the next morning and I didn't hear from here till later that evening (suprise suprise). I was beginning to recall what it was like to be with Chris. I kept telling myself he wasn't like Chris, he was never viloent towards me, I was never scared of Joe physically just mentally!
Any how so even though I had alarm bells going off in my head I ignored them and continued to convince myself it would all be worth it.
Well that was until Joe went missing. I was worried sick, I didn't sleep for 3 days, I reported him as a missing person. 3 days later I get a call and even though I told him how worried sick i'd been I don't think it really registered in his brain!
He was totally casual like it wasn't a big deal, he was staying in Littlehampton with some guy called Dave who was a mate of his or something that wasn't a heroin addict, supposedly anyhow but then I don't know that for certain!
Any how then I eventually saw him 6 days later he came down to Brighton on a friday and took me for dinner and then I put him on a train to Barnham to stay with his mum, who I spoke to whilst worrying my nut off about Joe to see if she'd heard from him. This is also where I began to smell the lies and alarm bells were getting louder, but I wasn't quite ready to give up just then.
I spoke to him next late saturday afternoon and it turns out he was sitting in the middle of the road waiting to get hit by a bus!
Well I was round my mate Kates, with Dani, Kate, Andrea and Chris and I wasn't about to run out on me mates that clearly wasn't really thinking of me. I got a call from the hospital later saying Joe was there and he was fine and that he just wanted me to know. I gave the hospital a ring when I left Kates to speak to him and he wasn't exactly fine but he wasn't hurt.
I then didn't hear from him again till 5 to midnight on my birthday (which was tuesday just gone, 28th) yes I am no longer 22!!!!
Any how he seemed to think everything was fine between us which was when I realised he was totally deluded about our relationship, I'd already assumed it was over between us, but clearly Joe didn't think the same. Any how so I was really off with him and he told me he'd ring back later (which suprise suprise he didn't). Any how enough was enough I changed my number the next day and thats the end of it now!
on that note I've written enough for one night, I've got a hell of a lot more to right but I shall continue to update you sunday as I'm having a duvet day sunday (going out tomo which is saturday to celebrate me birthday properly, so no dobut will have even more to write but then)! xx

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