.. When your on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
when your lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home.
And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine.
You'd think I'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees
I wouldn't do that.
I'll tell you you're right when you want
and if only you could see into me
oh when your cold I'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when your low
I'll be there by your side.
I love this song its so I'm not sure of the word right now, maybe hits a nerve, well I'm ill and so I think its acceptable that my brain isn't functioning its usual healthyish way..
I wish I could say I have had many dramas but unfortunatly it would be a lie, there have been absolutly no man dramas, or dramas in general, well its no wonder I'm fucking ill, drama for me is like what heroin is for an addict. I just can't function without it.
Actually thats probabaly a load of bullshit, my lovely dhaling sister (becca) has been ill and now undobutedly passed it onto me, cheers love just what I wanted!
So I stupidly ignored it and went into Town today any way and then pretty much passed out from about 3.30pm till about 7.30pm. I then went down stairs (very slowly, I'm very weak) to attempt some dinner, to walk into mayhem, so sort of leak in the bathroom and now there is water dripping through the ceiling in the kitchen, oh fanfuckingfantastic, so I was waddling around in the dark because mum turned off the lights (mum already has the biggest paranoya about having a fire, things like this don't help). So the floors soaking wet, theres water dripping all over me and I'm attempting to re-heat my dinner in the dark ill, oh bloody brilliant. Any how I then got yelled at for not helping although clearly I'm in no fit state to be dealing with this meladrama in my condition. So I sit myself down on the sofa to watch eastenders and to attempt to drown out the palava, to then be shouted at half way through because apparently I'm taking over the lounge, well that was that I can't deal with being treated like shit at the best of times, but when I'm ill well its just so much worse. So I'm now hiding in my room feeling like shit alone, I did have a little cry too.
So its finally beginning to sink in that I am 100% single, for the 1st time in my life. Well maybe its not so bad, its something I have to deal with, I am learning slowly how to be single. I took my sorry little ass out for lunch yesterday, only to donatellos and it wasn't as bad as I thought, its a bit awkward saying table for one, just me, but then after a while its kind of ok. Like you don't have to watch some skanky guy eating his food, more to the point I didn't have to be really polite and worry about making a mess. You don't have to indulge in any shit conversations men like to talk about, or worry about bringing up something appripriate, there's none of that bullshit anxiety that I get for up to a week before meeting up with a guy, it was just peaceful, I didn't have to wait for anyone I took my time & left when I chose.
I think accepting that I'm single and embracing it as opposed to looking at it like a monster is definitly a good thing.
Men are bullshit anyhow, they only let you down in the end.
The main reason for today choice of song and I know I'm sort of going to contradict myself here, from the above statment (I'm British, thats what we do, contradict ourselves, are hypacrits & love to moan) but I kind of want a guy to be saying that to me, everything Sade is saying to (we can only presume a man) but who knows could be a friend, a sister, a daughter/son. I want a man who can catch me when I fall, who can be there for me, not just a little bit, but 110% always. I don't think I'm asking too much. In return I will give all the love I have in me, look pretty forever even when I'm sick and old (baring in mind beautys in the inside). I will bake, cook, clean, work hard, bare his children and learn to appoligise when I am wrong. I have more than enough personalities to keep a man satisfied, I am a good girlfriend, its just everyone I've been good to throws it back in my face.
I was a fab girlfriend to Luke, I travelled every fortnight to see him, I always looked no less than perfect for him, I left love notes all around his house, I taught him how to make crepes I listened to all his fucking God damn problems, I even gave him sex in the mornings.
So thats that well admitedly I wasn't so nice with 'Levi, I did try though, I used to be there for him everytime he tried to kill himself, I let him stay at mine when he wanted, I offered to wash his clothes for him, you know I can't write anymore about all this stuff it brings back too many memories and even now that I'm healing, it still hurts & honestly I'm not sure you ever complely 100% get over stuff like that. Its funny the way life works sometimes.
I was down London road this afternoon and I often like to reminise over things and study people. Well London Road has got the biggest load of junkies in probabaly the whole of Brighton, and I saw these 2 boys earlier, one of them was in his 20's maybe, not very old, walking around with his top off and his tag on show and clearly into heroin and it isn't just him I see young girls and other young boys on that stuff and it makes me feel sick, and not because I think its disgusting that the only way for any of them to cope is to stick needles and undobutedly they share sometimes I would imagine into their arms or wherever they can find a vein that hasn't collapsed yet but the fact that how sad it is that someone my age lives on the streets, or in a squat or where ever, somewhere not very nice I can imagine and to drink alcohol for breakfast and stick needles in themselves by lunch.
Its actually really sad, it makes me question how it all begun because not everyone who gets into that has had a bad up bringing, yes there are people out there, that have been brought up like that but take Joe, prime example, had a great mum, not sure about his dad, but she worked and he had 2 normal brothers and he ended up injecting himself, and I just think when does it get so bad that injecting yourself with this needle sounds like a great idea, if people just learnt to say no.
Most of them are lacking any sort of love and its sad, makes me cry to think about it, no ones born bad, everyone is just human at the end of the day, I guess I can't help everyone but its a damn shame.
I suppose thinking about all that I should feel lucky, I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not addicted to smoking and I cured myself from alcoholism, so besides chocolate I'm OK. I might be ill now but at least I can lie in my bed, take vitimin suppliments, eat fruit and rest till I'm better. Remembering what you have got, instead of dwelling on what I haven't thats a lesson for me.
Peace out folks