Monday, 20 September 2010

Monday 20th... falling to bits!

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
I just feel like I've been so naive and stupid.
I can't believe I even fell for Ricky's lies and promises. I just feel so stupid, in fact the last time I felt like this was all the shit with Mark, I was just so blind and stupid and instead of being smart and using my brain I used my heart and let myself become vulnerable and stupid.
Sweet talk and that's all it is, sweet talk. I feel numb I wish I could cry or scream but nothing. I just get nothing just this horrible ache in my gut which is a sign that I've been so fucking stupid.

Can I run away? I don't even want to do that I just want to see me sister and for her to tell me that it's going to be OK cuz right now it doesn't feel like it will be.
I wish I could go back and just change everything. I wish I'd never started talking to Gary that day after work and I don't care if Gary had done some bad shit never did he lay a finger on me, never did he steel off me, never did he threaten me not even as a joke.
He loved me and maybe if he hadn't have been homeless or a drinker we could have been together and ARGHHHHHHHH it's just so fucking frustrating thinking a bout it!
Part of me is just mad for him for leaving me in the mess that he did knowing that I loved him. Will he come back? And even if he does will everything be the same will he constantly keep going or will he stay for good??
I miss him and its just one of them things that he left me just like Jay and all the rest and I'm so exhausted from constantly being left!
Fuck just watching the ending of "confessions of a shopaholic" and it's such a great movie but Becca gets Luke in the end and it's all fabulous.
When will I get my Prince Charming does he exist or am I just meant to be alone forever.
I want so desperately to get the fairytale ending.
Hmmm this calls for a new project...
This one is going to be a bout real life happy endings and what really happens after Prince Charming and his Bride ride off into the sunset!
Peace out ...

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