Oh fucking dear!
Lol not sure if I should say that.
Not sure what to think or say.
Why do I seem to be so good at fucking up. More than anything right now I want to leave. It seems like the only thing left to do.
I started SLAA yesterday (Sex and love addicts anonymous).
I didn't get there till 1pm, I was meant to be there at 12.30pm but leaving the house seemed like such a scary thing and actually admitting I'm a sex and love addict is so fucking scary.
For people who aren't addicts it's impossible for them to really understand what its like to live a life where sex is replaced with the lack of love and there's a permanent desperate need to be surrounded by men and have all the attention on me. That's the addiction here.
It really is. I feed on the high that I get from the attention from men and I feed on how I feel when I'm sleeping with a man and he's deep inside me and how I just get lost in the sex when were so close we couldn't get any closer and that sense of satisfaction I get when I'm naked and so is he and our bodies are touching and our breath is slower and longer and how complete and warm I feel when we're making love.
Except with every addiction there's a come down. I'm so high and yet when it's over I sink, I sink into this low place of depression as if I'm stuck underground and I'm trying to climb back up and my hands just slide back down the walls and I can't get back up.
It's the same with all my addictions. It was the same with the drinking, I was so high when I was drinking I felt cool, confident and so fucking high and yet there would always be that come down and I'd just sink back into depression and I'd just want to continue getting to that place of feeling on top of the world.
I did it with shopping too. I used to get a major high whilst I was going round the shops buying more and more and I'd have bought all these amazing items and I was buzzing. Yet I'd get home and I'd be sitting surrounded by all these bags full of clothes and shoes and whatever else I'd bought and I'd get this pang of guilt in my stomach and I didn't want to clothes anymore I'd just sink into a depressed state because it was over and I wanted to get back to that place of being high and I just couldn't.
I don't want to be alone any more with my addiction I want to be with people who understand what its like to feel how I feel.
It sounds so fucked up the way I crave for sex and attention and then I need more and so I just go from guy to guy and as harsh and as nasty as it may sound I never give a shit how many men I hurt on the way, I spend so much time chasing men and then I get them and it's like then I have to move onto another one because he isn't a challenge anymore.
The thought of not being like that anymore scares the shit out of me because I've been carrying it around for years and it's like now I'm going to try and heal and get healthy cuz I don't want to live my life in suspense anymore.
I want to have a loving healthy relationship and I will one day as long as I just stick to the programme. I know i've got a long way to go but I will get there!
peace out lovers
xx
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