Tuesday 19th October

Fucking hell!!
I really do feel like I am in hell!!
I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. Confused, sad, stressed, angry!
Chris overdosed and is currently in intensive care, well he was, he may not be anymore.
I said goodbye to him last night forever, still feel sick though.
I haven't eaten in 2 days now and I relapsed yesterday afternoon I drunk vodka and orange. It's not like me to relapse but I had Ian telling me he loved me and I just kept thinking of all the things me and Chris ever said to each other.
It's crazy but I kept re reading the texts he ever sent over and over again.
I brought myself to delete them. I have to admit that I did keep a couple of voice mails from him that I go to sleep listening to at night over and over.
I know he'll pull through but I can't ever see him again and I know it won't be good for either of us if we did.
It doesn't stop me loving him though. It would be so much easier if I could just hate him.
It's just so fucked up I know I'll get through it cuz I'm strong and as much as there have been times when I've wanted to just give up I know that I can't!
It's just I'm struggling to get me head round it, everything just keeps going round and round in my head and I'm left feeling insane and nutty and more than anything confused!
The last few months have just gone so quickly I find myself trying to catch my breath!
Time out
xx