Ok I'm pretty certain I've used this song title before, however what I'm about to write I think its the most appropriate title there is... I want to say before you read this, it is going to be pretty full on and therefore if you get affected by things please DO NOT read it as it is going to be deep and I don't want to be responsible for causing any trauma!
So today, was the big day ... I finally got to see the Consultant phyciatrist (which for those of you who don't know is the top phyciatrist there is). Any how most of you already know I've been waiting for 9 years for this appointment (since I was 13). As you can imagine my stomach was in knots and I was terrified of lierally falling to bits in the consultants room (I was close, but I managed to hold myself together).
So I'd already done lots of work with my support worker Emily who works for the mental health charity Mind and I'd written everything that has happened my life and on a whole how I am and what the problem was.
He was really great, out of all the people I've seen it was like just such a relief to finally get a diagnosis and to hear from someone who has seen cases like mine for years to be able to tell me that I'm not alone and even though sometimes I just don't want to be here and I just want to die because the idea of being like "this" forever makes me feel so exausted.
He read me like a book, he just seemed to be completly get inside my head and its like he could just see. I guess the fact that he had notes on me since I was about 14 helped (Man he was good the amount of information he'd obtained, even I was impressed).
So I suppose your wondering what my diagnosis is.. it's called "Emotional unstable personality disorder/difficulties" AKA "Borderline Personality disorder". I.e I'm an emotional unstable wreck lol... no that was just a bit of humour thrown in to make it a bit lighter...
So where do I go from here...
This is the fun part. First things 1st, he's referring me to see a mental health nurse (which unfortunatly could take up to a couple months). She will see me and ask lots of questions and do this thing they call "sign posting" which basically means she'll investigate it and then I suspect will get treatment from a phycotherapist. However whilst I'm waiting I can read a bout "borderline personality disorder" on the "Mind" website, he's given me another website which looks individually at problems that have ocoured throughout my life, ie abuse, berevment, sleeping problems, drinking problems etc and it has quotes from other sufferers and what we can do to help ourselves. Finally there's a book called "I hate you- don't leave me"! And there we have it, that sums it up nicely. That title alone was just like wham!
A direct quote from the Phyciatrist "when your in a relationship are you always worried their going to leave you"? He cracked it! That wall I spent the last 10 years building around myself and making it so solid is tumbelling down and it has to!
Dad left when I was 4 and all this subconcious bullshit. Every relationship I've been in or even one night stand I've been completley mental. I've told so many lies I don't even want to admit it but whats the point of pretending any more. I've told guys I'm pregnant before over and over, I've slashed my wrists up, taken overdoses, I've stayed and taken so much shit from guys and been walked all over just because I think if I do then maybe they'll stay, maybe they won't leave me alone.
That horrible feeling of neglect and lonliness and terror. I can;t even begin to try to explain how that feels!
Wheres me dad now? He doesn't even know I had an appointment with the phyciatrist, its been almost 3 months and no phone call, letter, text, nothing. I may as well be dead for all he cares! Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want to know? I'm so broken its making me cry whilst I'm writting this and my eyeliners going to start running and so I better "pull myself together"!
Time to face the reality of what happens when your dad walks out when your 4 and clearly couldn't a flying fuck whether I'm dead or alive, being bullied so badly that the only way to recover is to die, or at least try and die, I can't even remember the amount of times I would sit in my room, cut myself with the scissors, punch myself in the face, smash my head against the wall, anything just to try and not think any more. Until I discovered alcohol and drowned my pain away with a bottle of vodka.
This is when I have to face the fact that I was almost reped at 16 and the point where I have to try not to blame myself and to the point where I need to no I'm not alone with that despite the situation no means no especially said more than 3 times!
fucking idiots no means no God I hate him so much I pray so much he's sitting in a cell right now!
I have to know that I'm not the only one who got abused by a boyfriend and putting up with it because he tells me he loves me and that he'll change and knowing at the back of my mind that he never will but praying that if I'm a better girlfriend he will and it'll be perfect!
To know that even though Diesel died in the end that it wasn't my fault and to work on berevment and the guilt that I hold, the weight of the world of my shoulders because I always think that there was something I could have done to prevent it, or if I'd just worked harder or if I could just be prettier then it would all be OK.
This may all sound totally fucking nuts but thats how I am and I belived it and a certain extent still do. People tell me that all the things that happened wern't my fault but I can't believe them not just yet any how.
I know this is all morbid, but actually you know what this is the way forward and you know people say sometimes the way forward can seem like the way back. I'm 1 step closer to the rd of recovery and although I now have to actually accept that I've got to deal with all this trauma I feel hope, something that had faded a while ago, I feel hope that one day I will be able to lead a normal life and have a healthy relationship with a man!
Right now tonight what I really wish is there was a man here who I trust 110% and who I know loves me to the bone which is what I long for more than anything and I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry and shake and to just show exactly how I feel and to feel safe for the whole night and to just get some God damn fucking sleep. Without a word spoken. Sometimes words just arn't needed! However that isn't going to happen because I don't no any man that loves me to the bone and who I trust 110% or who is willing to stay with me all night, so I guess I'll just cry alone like I usually do!
I think thats probabaly enough said for now. Please don't read this and pity me and least of all feel sorry for me, I'm not looking for a sympathy vote. I write so that people can get a better understanding of my life and my disease!
Hope this hasn't offended any one