Sunday, 29 April 2012

'cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew,all the things you'd say, they were never true, never true and the games you'd play you'd always win, always win....

Just got to love Adele!
I wish I could say it had been a good day and a good week, but it hasn't. Don't get me wrong certain aspects of it have like hanging out with me sister Becca monday, going to college tuesday & seeing Kelly, seeing Samantha on wednesday and having me hair done :D realising that the life I live is the life I've choosen and its ok I'm not married and don't have babies yet.
Was good to see "the boy" on thursday even though I feel completly vunrable around him, then went to young adult support group that evening and then that was the evening that I did something really fucking stupid! I slept with Dan, I never know why I think I can handle sex like a man, I can't.
I feel so shit cuz suprise suprise he don't want to know and he shagged someone else last night, which just makes me feel like a peice of shit really.
So your probabaly thinking why do I do these things.. well there is a number of reasons there's the fact of things seem like a good idea at the time but then later you realise actually it wasn't so smart after all, there's the fact that I hadn't slept with anyone for 3 months and I'd forgotten what sex with a human felt like, there's that whole thing of wanting to be wanted and just being held and getting to cuddle up with someone afterwards. Its crazy how much sex can fuck a person up! Still at least I made him use a condom! God I sound so fucking cheap. Not sure what the fuck is going on with me, could be all the fucking tablets I'm taking at the moment I swear I rattle when I walk!!
I'm on amitripyline for my neck, back and shoulders. Taking vitimin D x 2 a day cuz of the lack of sun, iron tablets cuz I've convinced myself I'm anemic or however the fuck you spell it, vitimin B12/Bcomplex, vitimin C and eccinacea (again have no idea how to spell this). Thats a fair few tablets, but then (as if I wasn't feeling shit enough) my toe started hurting and throughout the day it got worse & worse to the point where I couldn't do anything & it was seriously throbbing, so I went to A & E and I've got a fucking foot infection so now am on antibiotics 4 times a day and strong pain killers and am stuck in bed with an ice pack on my toe & its shit! I know its a sunday and I always feel shitty on a sunday but God when will BPD leave me alone, I'm trying to fight back but it isn't easy!
I got to see Andrea friday that was good :D then well I'm not even going to mention saturday and today was going well at the wedding fair with Tasha & Chris, although I did eat way too much cake and I almost cried during the show (the cat walk of models in the wedding dresses/bridesmaids dresses) because I realised that I'm probabaly never going to get married an have kids and that makes me feel sad.
Any how well that all went wrong cuz of my God damn fucking toe! Not cool!
I know this is no way to live but I keep asking what if... Must not reminis over the past argh its so frustrating!
Re-joined that stupid dating website to realise that everyone on there is just a total weirdo and only after one thing. argh I really can't cope with men, as soon as I can walk again I'm outta here, a holiday is just what I need right now. Only a couple months left to go thank fuck.
I'm too tired and ratty to right any more right now.

Night night all
Peace out xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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