Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Manic lows and a whole lot of pain..

I crashed last night. It wasn't just one thing. I had meant to be going out with Jess but she had to work and re aranged it for tonight instead. Which meant I was here (at mums) I don't want to be here at all. After mun decided she's going to kick me out I don't want to be around her.

Anyhows it's been 5 weeks and 2 days without a ciggerette, 3 weeks and 6 days sober and 2 weeks 3 days celibate. I can assure you it ain't easy and all I do is eat. My eatings sort of out of control at the moment. Its seems that I can't stop.
I've got loads of thigns to do today and the idea of doing them makes me feel shaken to the bone. I sslashed up my arm last night and today I feel guilty ick and tired!

I feel the agraphobia kicking in which means I definitly need to do what I had planned for today because otherwise it'll get worse.
I'm meant to be going for a swim in the next half hour before it gets busy, then to come back here for abit and then be in Newhaven for 3pm for Tia Chi till 5pm and then back here (to mums) to then meet Jess and 8pm. That involves getting 8 buses today.. that is not cool.
But hey if I just take one step at a time. Like make it to the pool and then getting to newhaven, I just need to stop thinking so flippin' much.
I feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!
So what else is going on? What besides that fact that I'm going to be homeless??
Well I ended things with Jimmy... actually to be honest I didn't I just didn't contact him again, but then he didn't contact me either so there you go..
I dunno there was no chemistry and ... fuck have I already said all this in my last blog???
Okies whatever...
So I've started seeing this guy Craig, I ain't giving too much away but I do really like him and I'm praying that I don't fuck this one up and I'm terified that I'm going to, just for once please send some luck my way I'll be good forever I promise.
I'm sorry for slashing up me arms, its just sometimes it just gets too much...
Okies I should probablly go.
I am in agony my tooth still hurts, I've got a mouth ulcer the size of jupiter and the antibiotics has given me thrush from hell OH JOYS!!!

Peace out

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