When the moneys spent and all my friends have vanished and I can't seem to find no love or help for free I know there's no need for me to panic ......

When the moneys all gone,
when the parties over and nothing looks
quite as good as it did will you
still be there by my side,
when I'm standing there with the scissors in my hand
slashing up my arms,
when I'm running round
Town with the credit card,
will you still take the scissors off me,
and the credit card,
will you still wrap your arms around me and
tell me you still love me.

thats the start of me writting a song completly related to me of course.
I try not to indulge in the past but it isn't like I can just forget it, when I think I've recovered that oh so familier feeling comes back and I feel so sick and I remember, I remember how it used to be.
It makes me feel sad that I was so desperate for a man to love me, I put up with abuse and so much bullshit.
Its funny, but not many people have said this to me, but a few people, and men especially, and in particular one guy who I won't mention the name of on here, but he said to me "Elle just promise me you'll stop going out with all these pricks, when are you going to realise your so much better than that"? Now this was a guy who I shared a few kisses with a few times and he definitly wasn't trying to get into my pants. Funny though I don't really remember either of my parents telling me I'm better than all these wankers.
So here I am 23 years old on a friday night just finished consuming the rest of Ben & Jerrys ice cream that me and Rhea bought up asda last night, contimplating on consuming a Mars bar and diet coke ... Watching movies on me own ; 'You again', 'The hangover' and now watching Sliding doors, and I would like to make a few comments on these films in a minute but 1st I want to finish up what I'm about to say here... So I'm seeing "The boy" as I call him, he's young (almost 22) and he's nice, I don't feel frightend when I'm round him, he's not violent, he doesn't even get aggressive which is good... I think... I mean when I say I think, obviously I don't want him to smash things up but I don't want to be with any one like me dad (as in has no emotion what so ever). I do feel slightly scared because I'm aware that we're not exactly exclusive at the moment and so my barriers are up and I can't quite relax just yet, and I suppose only time will tell...

So you again, bullying, wow I've been bullied my whole life, I'll always be an easy target because I'm nice, and nice people always get bullied, I wonder though, if bullies realise how much they can seriously fuck up someones life, its scared me for life. I've always wondered what goes through someones head whos bullying some one else, but I don't know if I'll ever figure it out..
Do you know what I really hate...
I hate it when people look me in the eye and lie to me, I hate it when people just completly use you, I hate people who fucking steal off you and then lie about it, I hate violence, I hate being rejected, I hate that my dad left and now he doesn't want to speak to me or see me and I don't even know why, I hate that I'm always alone when I cry, I hate it that men cheat, God I hate it when people drink too much or take drugs, I hate seeing the pain in other peoples eyes...

I always used to think when I was a kid that one day you'd fall in love and everything would be great forever, but reality isn't like that, looking back I don't think any man that has ever told me he loves me has loved me at all. The one man thats supposed to love me forever is me dad and he's never told me he loves me, and I'm not even sure where I'm going with all this but I have this great sadness about me.

You know I felt pretty pissed off when I was washing the conditioner off me hair this morning that I had to wash it off in freezing cold water because Iain and Becca had used up all the hot water because they decided to have a row in the shower, for fuck sake, it well pisses me off, and then I can't eat dinner at the table because there ain't enough room when he's here and now mum goes away tuesday so he'll be staying tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday, which to be honest is pretty standard now, it just ain't the same, I always get left out when he's here. I don't say any thing because its more hassle than its worth, but I do already feel shit about myself most of the time.
I keep myself stupidly busy because if I don't I sit and think about how I feel like no one really wants me, maybe its not true. I even feel like sometimes that me mates get annoyed with me, I'm sure its all in me head, but when I'm alone I can't pretend I don't have the thoughts of "maybe everyone would be better off if I wasn't here any more".
Wish I didnt' think sometimes...

So now onto some politics, now this has never been me strongest point but there is a few things right now that I am slightly concerned about .. actually scared shitless would be more accurate..

There's the matter of the weather, its hot then cold and its extreme and I'm worried that the effects of global warming are going to fuck up our earth more than usual.
I'm concerned about the fact that papers are saying that people born in 2012 won't be able to retire until their 80s which is just bullshit.
then there's the matter of the petrol going up which means the bus fair is going up again. Fucking hell, where does it end? people say I'm ignorant for living in a bubble but I just think its got to be better than knowing the truth, I know I contradict myself but ignorence is bliss although just maybe not when dating a lying, cheating wanker. That it I can't write anymore!

Peace out

love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxx