Wednesday, 1 December 2010

When things start looking up...

So you got it little miss grumpy has gone away!
I won't sit here and pretend my life is suddenly fabulous, but it's 12 days today since I've slept with Chris, or anyone for that matter!!
Almost 2 weeks which is seriously good news.
I've had no contact with Chris what so ever and it's amazing how much you can get done when your not chasing boys around.

So here I am at home 2 weeks until I move out of Hove forever. Why does it seem to be going so fucking slowly???

Keeping busy is the key to making time go quicker, and in a bout 40 minutes I will be leaving the house to go and see a movie and dinner with my fabulous friends Natalie and Andrea. It's weird when I was seeing Chris it's like I forgot that there are people out there that genuinely do care a bout me.
Emma's been amazing I don't think I would have got through it without her.
Spoke to dad and Linda and I wouldn't exactly say that our relationship is perfect now but now that everything's out in the open it feels like actually I will start getting better for real this time!

Since I've taken myself out of the situation of Chris it's like I've started thinking clearer again and started to see that how I was living was so unhealthy and destructive. I'm just so grateful to have great mates and fab family because no way would I have got through any of this without them!!

It isn't going to be easy but I will move house and then eventually once I've started to recover from all this trauma I'll be able to get myself back into work and start living again.

I was looking back through facebook and all the photos I'd been tagged in and I used to have such a great life and ever since I met Chris it kind of just faded away, and I turned into this insecure, obsessive, needy woman something I never wanted or thought I would ever be again after past relationships. So turns out I actually have the worst taste in men.
I thought the older you get the better judgment you get of people, turns out with me not the case, in actual fact I think my judgment has decreased.

I wrote a 10 page letter to Gary in prison, Monday night, I really hope he gets it, I'm not exactly sure what I was trying to achieve by that but I've asked him to send me a V.O. I know I haven't seen him since July but we never actually broke up, so technically you could say we're still together, but there's a lot of things that were gone unsaid and I think it's important that I see him and I say what I never had a chance to say and to listen to him and all the things that he never had a chance to say. At least that way I can have a bit of peace of mind.

That's my goal for the future, I guess it's a pretty lose goal to have but one thing I need that I don't think I've ever really had is peace of mind.
I know that life isn't all happy and roses, it's tough but living like how I have been is so far away from what my life could be.
I've got such a big personality and it's wasted in a job like admin, I need to be doing something that's much more suited to my personality!!
I am strong and I can get through this! More to the point I am determined to get through this!

Any how God this is all a bit emotional maybe I should finish off with something light...
OK I have officially decided I'm 100% jealous of Janine and Stacey from Eastenders because both of them get to make out with Ryan and I think I may have actually fallen in love with him, man why do I have to be so damn heterosexual!!

Role on tomo me and Alex are getting the fuck out of Brighton to go cause drama else where, God I'm sad, love it!!

Peace out
love love love

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