I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

Well not completly sure a bout that it's probabally going to start again soon. But hey what the hell do I give a fuck I'm sitting in my pj bottoms, strappy top, pink hoody, mums dressing gown, slippers and my hot pink pashmina wrapped around my head!
Yes I am aware that it's half past five in the afternoon. Then again if you'd had your wisdom tooth yanked out of your mouth a few hours ago you probabally wouldn't feel like going out either. I am severe agony and to make it all worse (as if that isn't bad enough), I am not allowed to smoke for a whole fucking week its been 5 hours so far and I'm virtually pulling my hair out!
Oh not to mention I can't even feed off my addiction of chocolate to cover the fact that I can't smoke because I can't open my fucking mouth!
Oh and of course the fact that I am homeless in 8 fucking days really is the fucking icing on top of the cake!
So even with the fact that all those things are stressful to the limit I've been doing some thinking (I know right I am extremly multi talented to have to cope with all that shit and still have the paients and abilty to think). I'm just too damn clever for my own good sometimes ;-).
So you want to know what I was thinking?
Tough you don't get a choice I'm going to tell you anyhow.
I was thinking firstly I want to join a singing/ dancing/ acting group so I can be on stage again, I need to start boosting my confidence in a healthy way.
Then I got to thinking about people (oh yes I love, love, love to phyco analyse). I started thinking about all the people that have given me shit and treated me like I'm dirt and spoke to me (or even better behind my fucking back YES I WILL FUCKING FIND OUT TWATS) like I'm the size of an ant and then I started to think about all the people that have ever treated me like that and thinking do I honestly give a flying fuck about what silly little girls and boys think of me really? The answer is no of course not and in my own fucking right, I'm going somewhere in life the only places people like that are going is 6 feet under so for all them people I'd like to say byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm not going to let people like that even fucking make my eyes flicker NOT EVEN WORTH MY BREATH!
Any how enough of that I got to thinking about men, and yes at work yesterday there was this extremley gawjuss guy who was wearing army uniform with my favourite name too (Ben for those of you who didn't know). Didn't ask for his number, I think there was a little bit of cheeky flirting going on there though, on his behalf of course, not mine, would I do a thing like that?? LOL!!
Went to meet the gawjuss Emma for a quiet drink saturday night too and we wasn't out for hours I just wanted to see her and she kept saying that there was guys checking me out and a couple guys sort of come talk to us but I honestly wasn't interested like after Terry and all the other fuck wits i've shamelessly slept with I just thought whats the fucking point.
Like when I'm on my own I'm where I want to be, I can do what I want to do. As soon as I sleep with a guy and then start seeing him, it changes everything so fuck em, I'm all about me and my mates from now on having a laugh and doing the things that I planned to do.
After Chris should never have considered dating/sleeping with a man for at least a year. Hey ho we only humans!
Not even sure why I was so hung up on Terry in the 1st place he can't even spell his own name, maybe cuz I didn't want anyone else to have him but honestly if he wants to go out with a woman in her 50s then whatever no skin off my nose. (or I think the other alternative was with some girl that never leaves the house and crys all the time). Jesus if thats what marriage does to you then I think I'll pass!
Ohhhh I'm going to get a boob job too, a little treat to myself me thinkies, I'm too hard on myself!
Fuck it my minds gone blank! I believe this is what they call writters block!
Well I'm here till bleeding thursday and acception of going to the counsil with mother tomo I have no plans to leave the house so I'll have plenty of time to update you with my mela dramaz.

Peace out and
love love love
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"Do something really clever that will make me hate your name forever"

Well Terry well and truely did that, I do hate his name forever! Afterall thats what I wanted him to do anyhow wasn't it.
As I lay in the hospital bed feeling confused and anxious it really struck me what a prick he really is an how he honestly only does care about himself and he's so wrapped up in himself. I don't think I've met a guy like Terry before.. although I guess if I think about it I know I have. I can't beleive he even questioned that I took the overdose because of him. He has absolutly no idea the 1st thing about me and he doesn't get me at all.
The fucking mental health nurse was so fucking patranising too she didn't get me at all sitting there dulled up to the nines, I just thought yeah alright love you sit here and write shitty little notes about me but you'll never fucking understand what I'm going through probabally on her 30 grand a year salary. Why should she give a shit about me?

Why should anyone give a shit about me?
I came back today when they finally discharged me to find out everything was left how I must have left it. All the washing up on the side next to the sink, the bottle of Dr pepper on the table, the tinned peaches and tinned tomatos on the work surfice. The cerial and cakes on the other work surfice. The empty packet of pills next to the coke on the table and my crap dumped on mums bed.
So they let me go. Smart move, they're questioning whether I'll try it again. Well maybe not to tonight but hey the mess is still all here nothings changed I still don't want to carry on why can't anyone fucking understand that!?
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

"A room full of people, when Mr lonley comes sits next to me, and it makes me sad to realise that unlike you he won't ever leave"

My breathing started getting heavier, my eyes started to prick, I gulped back the tears. The idea of having to feel anything is beggining to terrify me! Although if I honestly think about it, I am feeling absolutly terrified anyhow.
I want so badly to keep things together bit I just can't anymore.
As I sit on the sofa the sound of the tele and the buzzing from the computer sound so distant.
I'm wearing Terrys clothes, his trousers and jumper, and as I wrap my arms around myself I could almost convince myself there's someone there holding me, telling me not to kill myself. Not to fall apart and that I'm not a bad person and that things will be OK.

Then something clicks inside of me and I realise here I am alone, sitting in my mums house whilst her and Becca are in Dublin and I'm just completly alone.
I can't hold myself together anymore. I feel like I've just lost it completly and I don't know what to fucking do!
I could sit here all night typing away how I feel as I shake and cry alone but whats the point any more. Whats the fucking point of life anymore. Maybe Diesel did have to right idea afterall.
I think who would even fucking notice if I wasn't around anymore and would any one really care anyhow. People just think about themselves. When Diesel died I wasn't thinking about him and what it was like for him.
I was thinking about myself. I can't take anymore everyone around me has their lives sorted anyhow I'm just a burden on the world!

I'm sorry I just can't take anymore!!

Every step I take, every move I make, every single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you...

MORBID MORBID MORBID I'M SO FUCKING FUCKED OFF RIGHT NOW I SWEAR I SHOULD BE FUCKING LOCKED AWAY INCASE OF WHAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY FUCKING DO, I'M BEYOND FUCKING ANGRY, I'M BEYOND FUCKING FURIOUS. FUCK IT I'M SO FUCKED I'M CRUMBELING TO FUCKING PIECES!

Exscuse the rant.
It's just you know when one thing after another seems to go wrong and you think jesus I'm already in fucking overdrive and then your thinking to yourself "wow at least it can't get any worse" and then it does and your mystified and wonder what you've done so fucking wrong to deserve all this shit. Karma man, this is my past catching up with me. Dear God I am so fucking sorry for all the sins I've commited but I'm begging you to help me out here!!

I keep flippin' drinking and why? Well me mum seems manically depressed and for once it's not down to me... I don't think...
I've got 2 weeks one day to move house and I'm fucked because I have found nothing, I haven't even viewed any yet and I'm looking virtually every day and I'm losing the will to live let alone to motivate myself to actually continue to look.

Ended up at terrys Friday night (after clubbing consuming far too much alcohol). Me being me thought it would be a smart idea to continue consuming vodka. Dancing around the living room with Terry to love songs, in his clothes and kissing him- even though I know it's wrong when I'm drunk and depresesed a bloke only has to touch me and it's like a fucking naked live wire!

Any how no I didn't sleep with him, once was a mistake, twice was not cool, 3 times would have just made me the biggest twat... EVER!

I went to bed at 5am he fucked off out to go sort his mate out (clearly going to another girls house). At 7am I woke up, rung him and heard his phone ringing in the living room and went down stairs to investigate. Only to find him passed out eating a packet of crisps on the sofa! I did try and get him to come to bed and then he sort of grunted at me so I went back to bed and then about 10 minutes later I heard him stumble up the stairs fall in the door and he slumped down at the end of the bed (it was quite amusing watching him attempt to take his socks off).
We slept top to tale that night! Am I sad?
Fuck it why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me. Any how I want Ben...
Don't say anything that ship has sailed and I've started reading "Woman who love too much" again. I need to get back onto the road to recovery all these men are bad for me.

I'm sitting in the internet cafe listening to "missing you" by Puff Daddy for the 10th time, and guess what!? I'm thinking about Diesel, but hey as the lyrics go... "I know your in heaven smiling down"!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

To make it worse me nan got admitted to hospital and I didn't really know what happened and ended up having a fucking anxiety attack on the way home from work. Got to the hospital as soon as I could and spent four hours up there.
You know what I need?
I need a great big fucking joint! But hey till Emily finishes her exams I guess ciggys will have to do!!

5 mins left to go!

Can I go home and slash my wrists up now??

Hmmm nah that'll have to wait need time out.
Going up Mats.

Sorry my darlin's I know it has all been tragically depressing recently but I promise give me... a month and I'll turn it all around.

Oh one last thing get this Me: "Does Terry actually want to talk to me"?
Stacey: "He says no, he doesn't talk to thick cunts".
aw wow he just sleeps with them and invites them back to his house...

I think I don't even need to comment on that comment you know what I mean!! ;-)

Peace out my followers!

Love love love
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Have you ever lost and loved someone wish there was a chance to say your sorry....

So I finally managed to find out that Diesel got cremated. Not exactly sure if that made me feel any better I did go out and celebrate his life on Friday night although I'm really struggling to get my head around the fact that he's gone and never coming back.
I know what he would say if he was still alive though. He'd say to me "Elle your a little sort stop running around after all these guys that are messing you about you know your too good for this. Your going to go far in life and you don't need approval from a boy that'll never really give a shit, your better than this"!
I know he'd want me to get on with my life not sit around moping and dwelling. I'll love him to the end and I'll never forget him but I know I need to try and get on with my life. Make him proud.

OK OK that's enough of the morbid shit.

Your probably wondering whats going on in the secret life of Princess Elle, well I hate to say it yes I did stay at Terry's Friday night, I know what I said but hello I'm the most indecisive person in this world.
So went on a date with Matt Saturday night, thought it went well but apparently I am losing my touch because "I'm not his type"!!! Hello I'm every mans type but hey whatever I'm too old for all that crap now anyhow.

Stayed at Stacey and Gaz's Saturday night and Terry poked me in the eyes pushed me on the floor and told me to fuck off at like 3am bloody charming... I started thinking do I really want to be with someone like that anyhow?! So at 6am he starts shouting at me for his bloody tee and I'm just like what the fuck, took it off threw it at him, and then....
He left...
At 6.30am I left walked from their place to Hove (yes I think I may have gone just ever so slightly barmy, that's men for you).
I sang at the top of my lungs and danced most of the way (and yes I did sleep when I got home). Don't you just love Sundays!
So had me "date" with Darryl later which I personally thought was ever so slightly awkward, however my mind is other places right now and I'm not going to sit around twiddling my thumbs about whether it was a good date or not hello I am a very busy gal!
Got to play with Stacey's baby yesterday though man he is sooooooooo cute, I actually want one... hmm... or maybe not...

So the Terry ship has sailed and I'm through with men... Just for abit anyhow.

Mm mm got to ogle sexy men all day at college too ha ha love it. Gives me something to come over later ;-) I am a dirty bitch ha ha LOVE IT!!!

Talking of ogling sexy men I get to watch Johnny Depp tonight at the cinema fuck the violence the only thing going on in my mind will be sleeping with him, I bet he's got a nice cock. Man I miss nice cocks not exactly sure what happened to them...

Any how this is fucking lame I need some new blood...

Well lets think about this logically, I'm out for Nat's birthday Friday and Emz birthday after Nat's and Amy's birthday Saturday so I think I may be able to come up with a cunning plan woop woop lets go cause some drama at the weekend oh yeah bring it on!

Peace out lovers, and just remember I have no concept of morals so I can assure you the next read WILL be juicy.

Love love love
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Shake ya arse, watch ya self, Shake ya arse show me what your working with ;-) ;)

Oh yes I was walking around listening to saturday night and dancing down the street, I am sooooooooo fucking cool ha ha.

Please remind me why I don't drink. It was not cool to have got drunk Friday night, I am nutto nuts, yes more than usual and I am still recovering now.
So I went out with Zoe, Becki, Emma, Paul and Rhea, fucking amazing night, I have a feeling I did kiss some total randomer when I was walking to the club (and no I didn't catch his name). Aren't I classy ha ha.
after my last blog I got to learn what Terry was really like.
I wish I could say I don't care but unfortunatly I do.
I did really like him and it was never what I'd call a equal relationship from the beggining but I did learn something, I learnt that you should never sleep with blokes who never give you a straight answer from the beggining and be very careful about how much you let your guys in and how quickly you let your guard down to people you don't know that well.
So there we have it the laughs on me again, and I won't sit here and act like I don't care because I do but I'm strong, I've been through a lot worse and I always come through it in the end.

I got to thinking about life today and the fact that I spend alot of time worrying about where my life is going but then I started to really think about my life and me as a person and I started thinking, sure I may not have the perfect body and I may not be little miss stunning, but personality wise I am nice, I'm not malicious, I'm not nasty and I spend my life trying to help people and trying to be there for people if they need me.
So overall right now even though I am fundamentally knakared and I've been used once again by yet another guy, I am OK.
So I have a date lined up on sunday with my new bouncer "friend".
He's actually really cool so even if nothing happends at least I've made another mate and you can never have enough mates.
Made friends with Zoe too who I met through Terry, so at least it wasn't all bad I made a new friend out of being used and abused.
Aw I actually love me pals they're all totally amazing.
Going to just concentrate on doing my courses and having fun right now, I think men, in my life need to take a back seat for a while (ha ha and if your believing that then you'll believe any thing I say).

So I am sitting at my mums being nagged to do the washing up and trying to ignore the face that Becca and Iain I swear delibratly try to bring up Ben as much as possible to try and get a reation out of me. Or maybe its just because I am head over heels in love with him it makes me cross to hear his name because I then end up going over and over in my head about all the things he said and did and then its like a bomb exploding in my face "HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME". Bam, so there we have it I can't deal with having to have that thrown in my face every day and I'm done with having "Ben fits". (For those of you who don't know what a "Ben fit" is, it's when I recall everything that happened between me and Ben and it goes round and round in my head to the point where I'm so angry I want to scream at the top of my lungs, throw my phone against the wall and have to punch pillows to avoid smashing up everything I own. Quite self explanitry really...).
Alternativly I could replace them with "Terry fits" although I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he actually got to me.
I used to have Luke fits...

Any how enough of that I did say on my last post I would put some more great lyrics up that to me are great for attempting to take back control so once I've done the washing up (to avoid being nagged) and been to the toilet before I pee in my pants (yes I do still suffer from TB- and for the strange people who don't get this it stands for "tiny bladder".) I will add lyrics.

However for now peace out and love to my faithful, trusty followers ...
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Ok fuck it, won't let me copy and paste so I'll just write song titles and you can just google them yourselves...

• Not Big- Lily Allen





• Single Ladies- Beyonce





• You outta know- Allaniss Morrisette





• Fuck you right back- Frankee





• Don't think of me- Dido





• Telephone- Lady Ga ga





• I'm over you- Martine McCutcheon





• I will survive- Gloria Gaynor.

I will add more but me minds blank right now, that's a start tho...

xx

Taking back control...

So am I really the Queen of fucking it up??
Well maybe I am, but honestly do I really want to go out with any of these guys anyhow.

So its been a little while since I updated so I guess your wondering whats going on in the secret life of Princess Elle. Good question...

Well bare with me if I have already written some of this baring in mind I do have the memory of a fish..
I met this guy james who was one of Chris's mates, not exactly sure why really it isn't like I don't know what his mates are like, so that all went a bit tits up cuz he got the hump when I wouldn't sleep with him at the back of King Alfred (and I'm meant to be the weird one here). Plus he'd only just been realised from prison and spent every day drinking and smoking spliff. Not cool.

After him there was Andy met him on the internet, and I have a feeling I may have already said all this cuz I did update the whole night after I met Ben...

Ok so we'll start with the weekend just gone...
I went on a stag night (yes I do mean STAG doo.) Me and a bunch of cute guys... Would you say no??
Well whatever the groom got off his face and I swear down if he touched me arse one more time I would have either taken him home and shagged him to prove a point that even when guys are about to get married can't control a bit of arse, shame I happen to think I'm better than that. Or the other option would have been to chop his cock off, lukily I'm neither a home wrecker or a phyco any more so instead I stayed a round to make sure he didn't do anything he might regret in the morning.
His mate Dan I wasn't too impressed with though, already told me since he's been married he's slept with other woman and almost had an affair with his wifes little sister, oh and did I mention he's got a coke problem too... ladies steer well clear of this type of man. They are way more hassel than they're worth.
So after all my nice hospitality they decided to fuck off and leave me with no money at 4am, wow you just got to love these types of men.
Lukily Rob was still awake and paid for me to get a cab back to his, I wasn't too happy having to do the walk of shame the next day (for those of you who don't know what the walk of shame is, it's having to go home the next day in the same clothes you went out in the previous night with very little sleep, jeez the looks you get it's crusifying).

So that was that, had work as usual monday and "Get what you want" workshop tuesday which is slightly conveinent really seeing as I slept with Terry that night.
Oh yes I slipped up on my whole "I'm never having a one night stand again" bullshit.
I've sort of had a bit of an appifinay today.
I slept with him and we cuddled all night and it felt so good to be back in someones arms again. i sort of felt myself beggining to obsess over him and alarm bells went off. I started thinking whats so great about this guy anyhow.
Sure he's quite cute and he's an average shag but he's not exactly boyfriend material. Time to go out and find some new blood.
So I thought maybe it's time I took back control on my life.
So I thought a good place would be to start with a few kick arse songs to make me feel more empowered...
"You can't touch me now there's no feeling left, if you think I'm coming back don't hold your breath, what you did to me boy I can't forget, if you think I'm coming back don't hold your breath.
I was under your spell for such a long time, couldn't break the chains, you played with my heart. Tore me apart with all your lies and games, it took all the strenth I had, but I crawled up on my feet again, now your trying to lure me back, but no, those days are gone, my friend.

I was worried about you but you never care about me none. You took my money and I know that you, you could kill someone, I gave you everything, but nothing was ever enough, you were always jealous over such crazy stuff...."

Hmm I've only got 16 mins left on the computer so I probz should rap it up abit. i'll do more songs later if I get a chance at my sisters otherwise I'll just leave you with a few things..

I've got quite a lot of courses booked over next couple weeks so I will be a very busy lady over the course of the next week not to mention am going out tomo night providing all goes to plan and well my lovely followers we all know what that means in the Secret life of Elle ......

DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So keep on reading and I'll keep on updating you on the world through the eyes of a wanna be princess...
Love to you all..............

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