Wednesday, 1 June 2011

"A room full of people, when Mr lonley comes sits next to me, and it makes me sad to realise that unlike you he won't ever leave"

My breathing started getting heavier, my eyes started to prick, I gulped back the tears. The idea of having to feel anything is beggining to terrify me! Although if I honestly think about it, I am feeling absolutly terrified anyhow.
I want so badly to keep things together bit I just can't anymore.
As I sit on the sofa the sound of the tele and the buzzing from the computer sound so distant.
I'm wearing Terrys clothes, his trousers and jumper, and as I wrap my arms around myself I could almost convince myself there's someone there holding me, telling me not to kill myself. Not to fall apart and that I'm not a bad person and that things will be OK.

Then something clicks inside of me and I realise here I am alone, sitting in my mums house whilst her and Becca are in Dublin and I'm just completly alone.
I can't hold myself together anymore. I feel like I've just lost it completly and I don't know what to fucking do!
I could sit here all night typing away how I feel as I shake and cry alone but whats the point any more. Whats the fucking point of life anymore. Maybe Diesel did have to right idea afterall.
I think who would even fucking notice if I wasn't around anymore and would any one really care anyhow. People just think about themselves. When Diesel died I wasn't thinking about him and what it was like for him.
I was thinking about myself. I can't take anymore everyone around me has their lives sorted anyhow I'm just a burden on the world!

I'm sorry I just can't take anymore!!

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