Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Going cold Turkey!

So here I am, at home, in bed alone.
You know it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would, don't get me wrong I am craving sex and love like mad but it just doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would!
So Chris got let off on bail (again) and as usual I went crawling back to him as always.
Any how he treats me like shit and after I went round to Phil's tonight and he just completely ignored me.
So as I walked away from there I felt cross, I felt like crying but most of all the thoughts going through my head were that's it!
I mean it I don't want to live a life like this any more.
I've got a sponser now through SLAA and I know that I can get through this and I will!
I know it's going to be so fucking hard.
I've re blocked his number and blocked all texts from him and I know that I just need to be strong.
I know that I don't deserve to be treated like this and I know I don't want to be living a life like this.
So as the tittle says I'm going "cold turkey"!
I am so aware this is not going to be an easy ride but I need distractions, I need things in my life to stop me thinking.
So tomo I'm going to do some art, reading and colouring, I'm going out with Tom in the evening and his mates so that gets me away for a bit!
I've got to meet Kate Friday and see nan and then I'm going out with Alex Friday evening.
That's what I need distractions. I know that with addictions the 1st 48 hours are the hardest but I'll do it.
If i can just get through 48 hours with no contact I'll start to feel a lot better!
I'm just fucking praying for any one to get me out of this mess.
I'm up to my eye balls in debt!
I don't want to go back on the game but I don't think I have much of a choice cuz I'm so skinto and I just can't afford to eat or pay me bills or swim or pay for me art stuff or anything!
I don't want to but hey beggars can't be choosers!
Peace out
love love love

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