Monday, 8 November 2010

for better, for worse, for love and for hate, for life or death.

Why do I have to have the worst fucking taste in men!
Chris got arrested yesterday for smashing up a shop or something like that. He hasn't been released and he's due in court tomo which I'm guessing he's going to get sentenced.
Now this is the really fucked up part. I've been saying for months I want him to go to jail and it's like now that it's actually happening it's as if I feel like how will I cope. Partly because he's my addiction and I just feel like how will I cope without him to feed off anymore.
I suppose deep down I know that if he goes down for at least 3 months I'll be gone (moved out of Hove) and I'll probably never see him again. I know that's for the best but there's still that little part of me that feels disappointed.
I know there's nothing else I could have done, but I just wanted so much to get him off the drink and I'd been trying to sort him out for months and I knew it wasn't going to happen deep down, but there's still that part of me that feels ashamed of myself for not doing more, even though I know really there wasn't anything more I could do.
It's just my fucked up patterns.
I know I'll get through this I just have to be strong and keep fighting to get well.
It's just tough because even though Chris was pretty much one of the worst boyfriends I ever had, there's still the good times that we had together. There wasn't many but just little things, like the way he used to really cuddle me when I cried, and the way he'd hold my hand.
The one time that will just not leave my head is that time he begged me for a bout 4/5 hours to take him back round Phil's and I just sat there saying no fucking way and then eventually I cracked and I agreed to give him one last chance.
It was that night that we proper made love for the 1st time, it just felt so right it felt so real and alive. You know just the passionate kissing and the way he just looked into my eyes if only I could get that fucking look out of my fucking head.
Just the way he looked at me, I genuinely believed that night he truly loved me. We really did make love like I never have before.
Fuck him after that the sex just went back to the way it was before and I knew already that I'd lost him forever!
One of my weak points - letting go.
I wanted so much to get back to that place we went that night but I should have known it was a one off.
Part of me questions now whether Chris did ever really love me or if it was all just the need to feel loved and wanted.
I did love him, I was always at his beck and call, if you look at it really he just wanted a little woman who will be there when it's convenient for him!
God damn it why did I ever get involved, Gary would have never have done this to me!
Fuck it, not like I can do fuck all now.
It's over and as fucking hard as it's going to be I will get through this. After all I've got over Barney, Simon, Mark, Tony, Sean, Dan, Danny and you know the rest of the cunts who fucked my head up.
God I really do have the worst taste in men.
Right that's me done, I'm falling asleep!
Will re post again with more drama soon
Peace out!

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