Saturday, 6 November 2010

I will get there in the end!

Wow life really is a bitch,

as for Chris and his stupid little mate Ian they're pathetic, at least I can admit I have problems.
Any how at least Jax is there for me when I need her. I think to myself if it wasn't for her I'd been standing here dead.
Things are tough but I went to my sex and love addicts anonymous meeting today and I've been clean 6 days today. It's so hard you know when I'm sitting in bed alone at night and thoughts start running through my head and this stab of loneliness kicks in and my mind starts playing tricks on me.
I was thinking a couple of days ago a bout the promise I made to Charlie and how I promised him I'd stop dating and sleeping with all these stupid men because he said I was too good for all of them. I don't really have much self confidence and I won't deny that I'm insecure because I am.
I never thought I was one of them girls who goes out tarted up, with tonnes of make up on speaking loudly and flirting outrageously to get attention, but turns out I am one of them girls.
I don't want to be the girl that every one gets fed up with because she's constantly with the wrong man and lets him walk all over her.
That ain't me, not really. I used to be the girl who dated men with nice cars, flash jobs and who would take me out and pay for everything. I mean come on I'm the girl who used to drag men round the shops and bleed them dry.
The girl who never gave a shit a bout how many hearts I broke, and some how I've gone from one extreme to the other. I've started dating boys who like to drink and fight all day, boys who take everything and give nothing.
It's funny isn't it really Chris doesn't want me, he wants a convenience. He wants to see me when it's convenient for him, he wants sex when he wants it, he wants me to be his girlfriend but only on his terms.
There you go there's alarm bells going off in my head! Chris is exactly like my fucking father, the only difference is daddy didn't drink like a fish or beat people up. Personality wise though exactly the same. So what does that tell you!!!!
This is how it is, Chris dated Maria she was a lot older than him and she basically brain washed him into being what she wanted him to be and do what she wanted him to do and then of course when it all went tits up and she'd had enough of him she left him just like everyone who ever loved him has. So Chris ended up doing what every person would do who'd been in that situation.
He found someone younger than him and turned into her.
He knew all the controlling fucked up tricks because he was taught oh so well! I am nothing more to Chris than revenge and anger on his behalf. Except he pushed it too far because I'm not one of his crazy ex's who will just take shit loads of drugs, get pissed, have a baby and go stab someone.
When I get revenge it is sweet oh so fucking sweet!
And just like Chris I don't stop at nothing!!
I will update again soon. Got a few little things to sort out 1st!

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