Fucked up...

Yeah it is fucked up, so much is so fucking fucked up.
I've got a mix of feelings today, part of me feels angry, part of me feels sad and there's also a part of me that has a sense of relief and a feeling of being strong.

I was flicking through a magazine yesterday in the young peoples Center with me mate Tanya and it made me so cross just every page was an insult to celebrities that have gained weight or are having a bit of a bad hair day or there's a peak of cellulite on display.
If isn't that then it's some crap like should Lindsey Lohan have gone to prison?! I mean it's fucked up just because she's famous if you commit a crime it doesn't matter who you are you should get the same punishment and that's that.
At the end of the day that sums it up really we are from living in a world of equality and as far as sexism goes it's sky high!
I say bullshit. I will not be dragged down with it!

Any how I slipped again, I slept with Chris 2 days ago. He was sober (for like the 1st time ever) and it was like the Chris that I wanted, no accusations, no violence, no bullying, we just sat and cuddled and we actually had a normal conversation and no rows.
I knew then that, that was the real Chris and that was the Chris I wanted to be with. But hey nothing lasts forever and at a bout 1.30am he was drunk again and it was back to the way it always was.
The abusiveness, the accusations and the bullshit.
I can honestly say now that's it. I saw a glimpse of the Chris I wanted but a few hours later he was gone and I know deep down he ain't coming back and I refuse to live my life praying and hoping one day that Chris will come back and stay.
So there we go I haven't rung him, I haven't text him, I've blanked him when I saw him 3 times yesterday and I know that it has to be over for good this time!

I'm hopefully viewing a flat later in New haven, it's all starting to feel real now I'm going to move away and get better. Get away from the chaos!
Oh it gets better Emma (as in Carl and Emma) has decided to start threatening me lol bullshit.
I can see with all these people they've all got one thing in common, they're all addicts and as for her she's addicted to Heroin and she speaks so much shit it's just ridiculous.
I know no that the only people out of all of them when I move that I'm going to stay in touch with when I'm gone is Lisa and Ian cuz they're the only 2 that are actually nice people and don't chat shit!
Any how will update more later because got to shoot out!

Mucho loving!!
xxxxxx