Friday, 10 June 2011

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living, I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving, but I can't haite you!

Started to think about Terry today, heavens knows why, that ship has definitly sailed. I dunno its just I'm alone and I guess I can't help but long for someone strong and warm to wrap their arms around me, realistically here he was the last person that hugged me and really hugged me. Damn him for fooling me once and damn me for being fooled twice. It bugs me though because it's like the words sung by Sade I'm not going to act like lifes over (because of him at least). Honestly I'm not that good at forgiving but I can't hate him, suppose I feel a bit like that with Ben too.
Man it would be so much easier if I could hate them and cut that part of my life away so I don't remember unfortunatly not even the Western side of the world is that advanced with technolagy. Suprising really considering they provide you with pills for everything else and send you on your way.
I feel like all my blogs have been slightly negative recently I do want to get back out there and go dancing again and have loads of fun like old times but when your face is throbbing and swollen and your just genrally in pain its the last thing you feel like doing without even mentioning about I've got to get the majority of me stuff packed up and put into storage by wednesday. The idea of leaving most of my shoes and clothes in storage is more than I can bare!

I got to thinking about woman earlier and our bodies and faces I guess too. I was tragically watching the Jeremy Kyle show and there were celebraties who had been through traumatic things. There was one fake blonde girl who had undertaken so much surgery and if you actually took a good look at her it was actually really quite sad! She looked so fake, everything about her looked slightly shiney and plastic, I mean jesus 15 boob jobs, fuck me thats a lot of surgery to undertake as it is and thats not even including the rest of it. Its very difficult because people and I would liek to stress it isn't just woman but I guess I'm targetting it at woman because I think its all aimed at woman more and the scary thing is its aimed at young woman.
I'm constantly obsessing about my weight and thinking if I could just be a bit skinnier then guys will like me more and if my boobs got a lift boys would be more interested in me!
I hate the fact that I am so sucked into this media bullshit.
Nikki Graham (the drama queen from Big brother) was also on the show talking about her anarexia problem which started when she was 8 years old and didn't finish till she was 19! It's runied the poor girls life. When she was 8 she weight 2.5 stone, I mean for fuck sake the thought of that makes me feel sick with fear for her!
She's never had a period in her life so she'll never have a chance to have children (I guess adoption would always be an option for her). She's developed ostious fibrosis in her spine too which basically means shes got brittle bones that can snap alot easier than say someone without it!
This is the frustrating thing about say bulumia, anorexia and surgery its all posted to be very glamourous and if your in the lime light thats part of the job.
What bullshit. Seriously if men want to be with someone who is a bad of bones, tits bigger than their head that are firm and "perfect" and with a ideal nose, mouth, eyes, cheeks bones, jaw bone, chin etc the list goes on then maybe they need to take a look at themselves cuz they ain't so perfect either.
Besides most of it isn't even what men are saying its just fucking idiots from the press trying to make money out of poor young girls suffering from eating disorders!
I just feel so sad that this sort of life style is glamourised, sex at the age off 11, drink, drugs, smoking younger and younger, anarexia, bulimia, surgery. I mean jesus is this really the kind of world we want to live in? It may not hit us youngens now but its the long term affects that have no cures for when your say in your 40s that worries me. What sort of world are we going to hand down to our little ones? This is bullshit!
Fuck this I'm throbbing like mad and I'm passionatly angry, I'm going to bed!
Peace out

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