Shawshank redemption..... james...

Yes its on TV hence the title, I'm half watching it. Member little James (I'm sure he contributed a bit towards my nervous break down, however he's not here to defend himself and the past should stay that way so I won't have a barney about it). Still miss him though, he was actually quite a respectable young man (shame he was stoned 24/7). All in all though he was quite low down on my list of "men that are crap at intercourse" which obviously is a good thing. No need to question that Ritchy was the best by far but with Luke and a few others it meant something, but if we're talking along the lines of sex as opposed to making love then he would be lets say one of the top 3 maybe...

Any how I'm not here to waffell on about old films and potential old lovers.
Although I do have to mention there are a pair of Ben (yes the man I am in love with) underwear hanging up over the clothes horse in the dining room and I can't help but to ogle them like he were here. (sick I know). Man wish he was standing naked infront of me now. In actual fact he's gone to a house party with Iain in Southampton and they're staying so no dobutedly he'll get very drunk and end up getting with someone else. Afterall it is saturday night, not everyone has a crap life like me on a saturday sitting home alone watching old movies that remind them of ex's in her pjs that I have been wearing since monday so they fucking stink. Wow I'm so fucking attractive right now. (have got Terry's clothes but can't bring myself to wear them, might make my symptons of him worse- probabally come out in a rash or something, or contiuous sneezing). We wouldn't want that now would we....

Spoke to Lauren on the phone tonight, that always makes me feel better needed some words of wisdom seeing as I've had a little bit taken away ... (ha ha get it wisdom.. wisdom tooth.. whatever don't worry). Felt so much better after talking to her like I was saying about how earlier I was looking through people on facebook who I went to school with (yes the shame of it I am a facebook stalker) and they all looked like they were doing so much with their life and what had I actually done (besides sleep with and have relationships with men who are completly fucked up). Lauren reminded me that it's different for them because they don't have an illness.
That for me was like an alarm clock ringing in my ears there we have it... I'm ill and getting a diognosis is my next step. I do need to get diognosed with bi-polar and I do need a mood stabeliser. Its very difficult because with mental illness you can't see it, yes you can see it thorough drinking, drungs, smoking, self harming, attempted overdoses and attempted suicides but it isn't like a broken leg for instance. Doctors know exactly what to do with a broken leg and roughly how long it takes to heal and the right medication etc.
When it comes to mental health I actually think alot of doctors and nurses who arn't trained in that area are probablly a little bit aprehensive, in their own right, afterall they don't want to make the patient worse or give out the wrong advice. Obviously each patient suffering from mental health illness needs different meds depending on his/hers symptons etc and it isn't so straight forward which for the person themselves (in this case moi) it makes it very frustrated and it's not exactly great when your saying over and over that you need help and a fucking diognosis and no one bloody listens or takes me seriously. I mean jesus I've taken enough bloody overdoses what more do I need to do or say for them to realise I'm not fucking well!!
Idiots!!

Any how there is always a plus side, don't ask me how I'm managing to be optimistic whilst my face is throbbing to pieces, My jaws so stiff I feel like I've been giving a man/men blowjobs non stop for the last 3 days and in between chewing gum, I haven't had a fucking ciggerette or any type of chocolate since monday (which is 5 days now.. virtually 6 in a hour or so).
I'm still on it!

• Paid my phone bill


• booked the storage room and paid deposit (which is refundable thank fuck)


• Booked my good old Tom with his van


• decided to go to sainsburys monday for boxes alone and get a cab back seeing as no one is willing to help.


• Emailed everyone on friends list with cars or potentially know people with cars who can drive me from mine to mums with my clothes and paper work wednesday evening after I have departed with my treasures.


• Going to go to the dentist and attempt to scream at them for putting my through so much pain


• Go to the docs (mother is coming thank fuck) to get a diognosis and a new sick note as it runs out on 14th.

Ohhh fuck I've just rememberd I need to change my address with every one fuckarama...

Okies not a problem this is why I have unlimmeted calls on my phone for lifes little dramas. I can pop into the bank tuesday not a problemo...

I need to book my train ticket tomo online and make sure it comes through to this address (this address being mothers) so on friday I can bugger off for a bit, my darling school friend Sarah has offered to put me up till july 10th woop woop I won't be sleeping on the streets. So there we goes... I will try to update whilst away but making no promises I don't own any one any thing lol ;-) ;-) nudge nudge. Do me good to get away though. Definitly.

So there you go my ... What 30 minute update or however long ...

Peace out ...

xxx